Anyway, a lot's been going through my head over the past few months. To be exact, it's been about 5 months since the problem's been bugging me. Girlfriend and cousin has been telling me to be confrontational (in a good way) and get to the bottom of the problem. But that's not me at all. I'm actually not exactly a very brave person when it comes to matter of the hearts.

Though it was hard, i managed to survive the past 5 months because of the constant support that Girlfriend gave me. Thank you for listening to me vent and comforting me every night when i feel the uncontrollable urge to stab someone in the chest. And it's also, of course, because of you, I've came to realise how God can be so amazing. I don't know how i did it but the months of praying and talking to our HD really gave me the strength to come this far.

Though i really wanna state the problem here, i think it's better i don't. I've been quite an angry child for the past months but everyday God will remind me to keep to my values and He's teaching me to forgive. It's a slow process but i can kind of feel it now. I can't totally forgive yet but i'm getting there. It's because of the complexity of the problem, i was constantly angry last time. But now, it's all slowly going away because it's hard to forget all the wonderful years and wonderful memories we were all part of. At least this is something anger, jealousy or childishness cannot take away. Even till now, i'd still laugh when i think of some of the most random things we did together. I'll keep all these safe and try to forget the fights. I'll slowly move you guys to the back of my heart.

On a happier note, this is also a blessing in disguise. Because all of these, I got even closer to Girlfriend and to the HD. I have to say, my life really did change because of what happened. It's no coincidence that all these happened when i've just legally became an adult. It's really different looking at things from this side of the spectrum. I'm beginning to realise how childish i was back then. I'm still childish now, i'd admit, but i'm trying very hard to change. Maybe that's also one of the reasons why our relationship didn't work out. It does seem like me and all of you share some very different views of matters. I'm actually kind of great things ended the way it did. This would have been much better than if we ended it with shoutings, cryings and what nots. Though the question why would probably never be answered, i shall just leave it as it is.

Also, yesterday i've been asking God when i'll ever be ready for a relationship. It seems like the plan He has for me right now is not a relationship but something more meaningful or important. It's apparent because of the signs i'm receiving. It's either the 'right one' is still somewhere else or it's a punishment i'm receiving for being such a play girl. :/ But i know He's not punishing me. He's just teaching me a lesson of being committed. After-all, i did pray to Him to let me be committed. I'm someone who is terribly afraid of commitments and staying loyal to a partner. Oops, cat's out of the bag. I'm going to try from today, to stay committed when someone who fits the role enters my life. Nevertheless, i'll not stop praying for God is so amazing.

So as the chapter of my life that included all of you closes, another even bigger and exciting chapter opens. Don't be sad because of the outcome but be grateful for what the outcome has taught you.

Goodbye to the last chapters of my teenage life and hello to the more mature adult life. Bring it on, i'm ready, 5 months overdue.

Li wen, Ivy, Debbie, Yan Ting and I hung out at Home Ground for 3 hours of intense (i really mean it when i say intense) game of L4D2. There were a lot of screaming and laughing and my hands were shaking during the most part. I only remembered myself screaming continuously 'Mummy, mummy!' because i was so nervous. There were of course, many screams of 'Smoker!; Hunter!; Jockey!; TANK!!!!!!!' I have to say, it was really awesome playing with Li wen and Debbie and i think i am getting better in this game. ;p I wish that we will still be so cool ten years down the road.

After the game, we walked one big round (all thanks to Li wen's bad sense of direction) to this thai eatery for dinner. It didn't look too appetising for me despite Li wen's good comments about the food. We decided to move to POMO's Mad Jack. However, after studying the menu we all decided that Blue Mountains Cafe may be a better choice so we left. Yan Ting and i started coming out with funny ideas of how to get out of the restaurant without being too obvious. Man, it was hilarious.

So anyway, we took a bus to 313 and had BMC for dinner. After dinner, i don't know what brought us to the topic of the times we spent in HSS. I don't know how long we sat there for but i do remember it was really fun reminiscing about the past. I think the best times in my life so far was spent in HSS. There were just so much memories. We talked about so many things. Ms Shirley Chua's english class, Mdm Liu's chinese class, choir, Mr Liu, Mrs Ong, Mr Tan, Mrs Pang, Mr Singh, some of our epic schoolmates etc, OBS camp, SparkC. There were just so much to talk about. Even though i can't remember the exact details about every single thing, it was fun thinking about all those things that happened. How i wish i had a time turner and i could turn back time. (Speaking of could, it reminds me of Li wen, Debbie and my Auxiliary Verb cousin 'Should Could Would'. Inside joke but i remember how fun it was coming out with this imaginary cousin. Even until now, i still remember he/she. )

We started talking about our primary school life as well which reminds me of the first boy i ever had a crush on. I just went to Facebook to look for him and realised that he has changed so much! If only i was back in primary school right now. Anyway, right after i see him, all of the memories i had of him just flew out of the window.

I don't know if you have ever experience this before but there are times where i remember about something and right after i say it out, i will completely lose the memory of it. It's like, after i say it, i will suddenly 'wake up' from my reverie and ask myself, 'How do i even know about this/How do i even remember?' etc. It was like the memory was erased completely after i blurted it out. Like i CTR X from my memory and CTR V into the Blackhole. Poof, gone just like that.

I don't know what is the point of this but i just thought i wanted to share with you about this strange feeling i get all the time.

After the reminisces today, i just thought to myself, hey, it doesn't hurt to jot down those tiny little things that mean something to you. How i wish i have written down every single detail of my primary school life and secondary school life. It would have been much easier for me to remember the things i did and the details. After i stepped into poly, i started to think how stupid blogs were and it's nothing but an avenue for people to show off their life and to write about mundane happenings. I mean of course i am not going to write about how i wake up each morning, brush my teeth, shower. That's just lame. I want to write down epic moments in my life to help me remember even when i turn 50, 60 or even 90.

I think that will be nice. So the point of this post is to tell the future me what happened today and it shall also remind me of the wonderful friends i have. I don't know where we will be in 30 years time but i shall remember the good times we shared. Here's to all the friends from primary and secondary school who are important to me and as cliche as it sounds, made a difference in my life, I love you all! I hope you guys will not forget about the good times we all had together as a group. (I know this sounds really cliche but i just have to say it. Forgive me if you're having goosebumps now. ;p)

As for my Poly classmates (most of you guys), thanks for making me so much stronger and for making me realise how important my secondary school friends are to me. I never would have known until i met you guys. I know i shared some really good memories with some of you but honestly speaking, those were merely facades. It was only good while it lasted. I don't feel any sincerity in friendships like these at all so what's the point?I've had enough of all your money-waving attitudes, branded bags, expensive lifestyles, you name it. I don't feel sorry at all for not being able to fit in. At least i know when hardships fall upon me, i'll be able to handle it better than you all. In fact, i feel sorry for you guys. Just a piece of advice, you can't buy everything and anything in this world with money. It's time to grow up and grow out of this thinking. Have a nice life yourself.

To all the aforementioned, go back to the Blackhole of nothingness where you belong. It's like you guys were never part of my life. (: