Sunday, August 12, 2007
- Yes!!! i'm finally right abt smth!!! -
Wee... nth has changed!!! so much for what i thought would happen after i let off some steam! Guess it didn't burn them enough. And i got burnt back... haiz... seems it would never change... so what is the point of me trying to make my stand? well... i guess i should just go back and be my true self. Anyway its been a long time since i let my true self out. hmm... lets see... i think its about 2 years+ already... have been hibernating for too long right? its time to awake the dragon!
Warning! if u see me in depression mode don't try anything funny! haha... you don't want to get fried! oh well... what to do... no one appreciates me when i'm nice... so wads the point? i would also get the same treatment if i'm NOT nice... so the point is... Theres no point being NICE cause no one will notice anyway... maybe i'll even feel much "better".
So lets recall about the sleeping dragon then... hmm... i used to come home late... don't care about anything LOR... stick my nose into all school matters... wow! how can i forget the most important point! No friends, No life! wahh..... hahaha... that sounds over the top! oops... don't want to sound like a NUT case! wahahahaha... weeee............
| - = kiwi88 = - @ 8/12/2007 07:54:00 pm|
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Tuesday, August 07, 2007
- Hiaz... i'm better off dead! -
Well... the day started off BAD...
Dad replied my last night SMS about having the car for the next 2 weeks. I ask for the car cause exams are around the corner and time spent traveling to and from sch is like 2hrs of wasted time... Mum said NO thats why asked dad...
"May i have the car for the next few weeks. i dun see the point spending hours on the bus just to attend 2 or 3hours of lesson. When the car will be sitting at the car park the whole day. Coe, road tax all paid for just to park the car in sch the whole day? To me it makes no sense. So may i pls have the car."
Dad gave this reply on SMS...
"The car is a thing of convenient we can live without. It is a luxury if you get to drive, if not life goes on. Appreciate the opportunities given at times, don't abuse it. And always accept 'NO' gracefully. The last thing i want is a negative environment at home."
It seem like he has a template of this cause the other time he sent me a very similar SMS. Anyway not that i don't agree with him... Its just that what i say is also true... And i have been taking 'NO' for an answer without complaining... what more do you want from me?
All i want is to use the car which everything has already been paid for and your not fully utilising it!
Yeah people can use me as a punching bag...
I already had a bad morning... but i still go to school showing a happy face... i've been doing it for years... i wonder how long more do i have to keep this going... its not easy... it hurts alot...
Called to ask about printing the room booking. And i got shouted at...
I really don't know already...
I think all i can say is i'm a useless person and a bad son.
| - = kiwi88 = - @ 8/07/2007 08:35:00 pm|
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- Feeling down again -
Back to basics again...
Back to being moody...
Back to my old self...
Back to being depressed...
Back to cursing at myself...
Back to being useless...
Today is Daniel's last day in Singapore!
Had lunch with him today down at
Bt Timah... @ some
Hong Kong Cafe... food was cheap and average... I've always enjoy spending time with him... be it just listening or talking... he's just on the same frequency... We've actually celebrated last Wed, had Japanese lunch at
Liang Court. Food was great there... really enjoyed it... spent 12.50 on
Unagi... but its worth the price. Well, his dream came true... he got a teaching job in Japan and he just left for the land of the rising sun a few hours ago... the whole gang sent him off at the airport. I had a great time! His parents were so cool too... so supportive of him... and he told them he enjoyed our company all these time... so glad... well... i can only sit back and envy people...
What do i have for myself? I don't see anything... Daniel's quote " Dreams are what keeps us going and as long as we never stop dreaming, we will probably get there someday..."
I can only dream now... and hope it'll probably get to me someday... I too have big dreams and I'm trying to work towards them...
But i don't have support from anyone... i feel that no one has ever supported me in my entire life before... i just feel so
unthought of... How not to think of the negative things?
There is no positive things i can recall of... being the class vice-chairman cum treasurer... got in to the
Prefectorial Board/Student Leader Board... my volleyball matches... you all have never been there... switching to media club and becoming the vice-chairman within less then 6 months... come to the events which i worked on as an AV crew...
Even having good grades... i was upset with my o'levels grades... you stood there and did nothing to comfort me... having the above average grades in poly... you are still not there for me... no reaction... not even a facial expression... do you all even care about me???
Sometimes i wonder if I'm your son at all... and why is Class 95 playing all the songs which are making me cry even more now? is the wold really against me? what did i do wrong?
Is caring too much for other people wrong too? i admit I'm selfish but i still put others before myself still... caring for other people's grades... they don't listen in class then exam come... approach me, i still teach... i nag at people to do work instead of watching videos and i still get shouted back at... cup the phone some more... what have i done to deserve all these? is caring so wrong?
Nobody cares that much for me... but i care so much for other people... more than i care about myself... what do i get in return?
Is the saying 好心没好报 really that true?
If thats the case can someone teach me how not to care?
I don't want to feel so miserable for the rest of my life...
My heart is really breaking now... i can feel the pain... its worse than having an open wound sprinkled with salt!
| - = kiwi88 = - @ 8/07/2007 01:53:00 am|
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Thursday, July 05, 2007
- What am i to U -
Hi this the 40 yr old man speaking!
I'm bloody short-tempered.
Got really angry today! So cool!!! never been this angry in a long time! <---( like real... so bloody pissed) Wee... woo hoo...
So this is how the story goes...
Got to school, went to jh stall. Sat there chatting... they going IC aft sch... Close stall at 4pm... i said i'll find them aft class(5pm).
15:59 } Jh called said he is on bus to ic already... bus at kap.
i was in class finishing up/packing up.
Don't know why...
Maybe i'm suay...
But its not the first time... and i don't think it'll be the last either...
i was mad, furious, exploding...
i felt as though its just my fate to be the one who is always forgotten...
i'm always there when people need me... and forgotten when people don't need me...
i can't always be so lucky to be the one forgotten...
so whats the explination?
Yes, i have to say, i'm BLOODY old! I'm 19 huaman years old (40 brain years old)...
I'm trying to adjust to be of 19 human years old with 19 brain years old...
Lame... lame is, i don't know... makes me feel more blend in with the rest... cause i've used to be a damn boring person who knows nuts about being lame and talking to people my age... i was just like a zombie... going around school doig SL n AV stuff... keeping me busy and not thinking about having no real friends...
I'm trying to adjust here and friends are saying i'm too lame... beat around the bush... can't give straight answers...
Think again... when you ask me where to eat... i give you straight answers... what do you do... you don't like it or someone wants to eat somewhere else, you just change and move there without informing me... i have to call and ask again and to find out you all have change my decision without even informing/telling me...
Then why ask me to make the decision in the first place if your not prepared to go where i decide?
Then again, this is not the 1st time you've forgot/p.s. me... the last time if i remembered correctly, i was in town after splitting up with eric n eileen... i've waited for you for supper cause you said you were able to meet after your stuff... and i've waited... in the end to find out that you've decided to change supper location and i would not be able to join you peeps for some reason... wow its like so cool!!! i like it so much!!! Thanks guys for that surprise!!! love it lots!
i really don't know what i should do anymore! give you all advice about yourself towards other(s) you all just let it go one ear i one ear out...
Do i need to spell almost everything out for you all...
1. My patience is short... if the same thing happens again, it gets shorter...
2. I don't like to count! (esp. $$$)
3. I hate NATO people
4. I don't like to freeload
5. If you like to count this is the break down!
I normally spend between 70-80% of my money on my friends!
6. I don't Pang Seh (P.S.) people cause i don't like people to P.S. me...
7. I don't like to use me underneath the skin... if you want to use me just tell me i'll willingly let you use me...
8. If you are not happy with the way i do things or just not happy with me for what ever reason, just tell me! i'll try my best to change for the better!
Note: This is for real! i'm serious!
| - = kiwi88 = - @ 7/05/2007 12:34:00 am|
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Friday, May 18, 2007
- -
Ah... what the hack...
Every entry has been crap!
My life is so miserable!
Why is this happening?
I feel like I'm just here in this world to let people feed on.
I'm so used! I'm over used! ...
I have been so nice to everyone... spare a thought for them... care about them... help them...
I can only say i see less than a handful of them really spare a thought for me... concern about me... I'm glad that i finally have these few Friends i can count on... and I hope this friendship will last forever.
I've never had friends who really care so much about me, and i really treasure this friendship.
I hope that you guys won't turn your back on me and walk away.
| - = kiwi88 = - @ 5/18/2007 11:16:00 pm|
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Saturday, May 12, 2007
- UPDATE -
Yup! I'm moody again!
Yeah!!! the whole world is jumping for joy!
Anyway I'll be nice as always...
Update my status 1st... so it'll not be so boring...
I'm still an NP Skater!!! haha...
In the Ex-Co as Inline Hockey Manager... (Someone drop out)
Still just as SUCK at Studies... Year 2 Already!
Still getting myself in a lot of academic trouble!
Still getting damn old!
Still a SAI KANG WARRIOR!
Planning Skate Camp for freshmen!
Thats all for the "good stuff" i guess...
Now the bad...
I'm still making 'trouble' at home...
I'm still always the one that is wrong...
I'm still being use by people...
I'm still searching for that TRUE friend who really understands me...
What have i done to deserve this?
All I'm asking for is family time! is that too difficult to give?
Am i that selfish because i ask you to come fetch me home from the mrt station when its raining heavily. So that i can shower and then we can all go out for a nice mothers' day dinner?
You can bathe while dad fetch me home so that i could bathe too rite! If not you all want to bathe liao then come fetch me home to bathe then go out for dinner meh? no logic right!
I come home is to bathe then go out for dinner as a family wad.... if not i would have ask you all to meet me in town for dinner instead. MRT not free you know! and its coming out from my pocket not yours! There is a lot of things i buy, the money is from my pocket not yours cause i know we're all in financial difficulties. i never have the heart to get the money from you guys unless its really a NEED. Even me being like that I'm still not good enough for you! In this case, I'll never be good enough for ANYone of YOU!
I really don't know what to do anymore!
I'm an accident anyway... you should have aborted me 19 years ago... then you have all the EXTRA thousands of dollars you've spent(WASTED) on me... since i never seem to impress you or make you happy... if you really want that money that badly just tell me... I'll leave so that you don't have to waste any more money on ME. I guess the only reason I'm still here is because of mama... cause i only feel the love from her... she's the only one that truly love me...
So i guess I'm still here just to serve you... fix your IT problems... Technical and mechanical stuff...
| - = kiwi88 = - @ 5/12/2007 07:24:00 pm|
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Monday, March 12, 2007
- Back to square 1 -
Yup
Here i am. Back again... after a long "break".
It's been months of torture for me... but everyone would say otherwise.
My feelings just don't show! i don't know why...
i still feel the same way as always...
it's just nobody understands me or something...
it just hurts me so much my heart REALLY aches! Something like a very bad headache but its heartache! it's seriously painful.
i just spend every night thinking and wish that i would die in my sleep.
i really don't know what to do anymore somebody please HELP me!!!
| - = kiwi88 = - @ 3/12/2007 10:34:00 pm|
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Friday, January 19, 2007
- - i suck! i sick BIG TIME! - -
Fine! I’m back here again!
Seems I’m all alone… theres no one out there that I can share my feelings with.
Its back to this virtual cyberspace who would absorb everything like a black hole.
I really don’t know why I’m here. It seems everything I do is wrong. I must have broken a trillion laws in my these 18 years alive! Nothing I do is every right. Its just Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! All the way. Even waking up the first in the morning just to take a bath is WRONG! I’ve to give in to people who wants to wash-up and watch The Simpsons frm 6-6.30am. Asking people to have initiative (zi dong) is also WRONG!
What else could happen?
I’ve never had friends who I feel that are the closes and is a true friend to me. But as time pass, I don’t know why, they just seem to drift further and further. Is it just my fate to be the loneliest idiot on earth. I’m just fated to be working for others, volunteering my services for others and slogging it out just for others?
I seriously don’t mind doing all these, even if its for FREE!!! I don’t mind. My only condition is just appreciate my work, my effort.
Everytime after I help/do something for people, I’m just brushed aside and they just forget about me until the next time they need me. I’m just a “saikang warrior” picking up everyone’s SHIT/MESS, what else am I good for?
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m really lost, really hurt. I just seem like an idiot. An asshole? An idiot?
Nobody really cares, only when they need me then they’ll do something about it.
I’m just a robot with no feelings. Whack me all you want! I’m just a tin of trash.
| - = kiwi88 = - @ 1/19/2007 02:26:00 pm|
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Tuesday, November 28, 2006
- -
Sianz...
juz a living slave doing work for people...
life really have no meaning...
everything i also dono...
nxt week sit wad caem test...
no 1 help me also...
still have people trying to avoid me...
dono who i am anymore...
i'm prob juz an idiot working for life...
being push ard blindly...
following blindly...
juz feel so useless...
juz waiting for the day i die...
wonder if death god can send me a note telling me which day i would go...
can't wait for that day...
i make sure i have a big celebration that day!
| - = kiwi88 = - @ 11/28/2006 07:44:00 pm|
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Sunday, November 19, 2006
- -
yes its hopeless me posting again...
anw onli i post here... so wth m i talking abt...
had enf of everything...
so useless... so hopeless... so stupid...
nw even eg2 also dono... how stupid can i get...
dun feel like studying anymore...
ael dono...
caem dono...
eg2 starting to go downhill...
eecad how to score with asshole lecr...
cpro also lj lecr...
ecpro also...
comt n iac dun feel like doing...
aiya... juz waiting for my time to come...
hope i go soon... the sooner the better...
| - = kiwi88 = - @ 11/19/2006 10:17:00 pm|
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Saturday, November 18, 2006
- -
Fine!
I can see i'm all alone now...
There is no one i can depend on...
I'm just being used by people...
There is nothing i would live for...
Just being used... then being ignored...
its like just using disposable items...
i've got nothing to say...
there's no meaning in my life...
there's no warmth around me...
i don't even know if i have any real, true friends anymore...
i'm just so lost...
| - = kiwi88 = - @ 11/18/2006 05:06:00 pm|
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