Her head is pounding. She cannot think.
She steps into the house after a long day at school.
The woman sitting in the living room does not respond when she makes her greetings.
She wonders what's wrong but at the same time, she is angry.
She doesn't have her phone, but somehow the laptop's around.
She goes through her normal routine.
She could swear that it really felt as though her heart stopped beating for a few seconds while she read.
She doesn't have anything more to say. There isn't anything left to say, but she tries anyway. And she gets smacked in the face although they don't even know who it was speaking.
She says sorry. She says sorry for the way she feels, but she does not want to lie to herself. And neither does she want to let you lie to yourself too.
Her dad comes home and throws a casual hi at her. She responds with a reply that is weak in spirit. And when she walks pass him, she longs to run into his arms, something that she had not wanted to do in a long, long time. But she resists. Instead, he places a peck on her cheek and she feels her heart choking even more.
The tears come, and her head continues to pound.
And the coldest of hearts lie here.
Right here.
I've known you for so long. Counting this year, it would have been 6 long years. I remember back in the days of primary school when you looked so innocent. You had always been chubby, even in your much younger days of childhood. Short and petite, you were but still with that mischievous look playing around your eyes each time you smiled.
I remember the way you were looking at me and how I thought I was just imagining it. Finally, I looked in your direction and we stared at each other for a split second before I finally looked away.
It was only a few days after that I learnt who you were and what was your name from some other friends.We made an effort, and we came to a level of acquaintance. I acknowledged you, and you acknowledged me. Nothing more, nothing less. Of course, there was a time or two where we came closer to actually being friends but they never lasted.
Time separated us. We lost contact for quite some time.
My end of primary school. Somehow, we got back in touch with each other thanks to one of our friends. The same level of acknowledgment continued until the end of my first year of high school. We talked more, and we finally reached friendship. We chatted more often in every way that technology could provide. I grew to adore you for your witty quirks and silly jokes although I have yet to figure out what you ever found interesting in me.
We became close friends.
Each time I fell, you picked me up. Each time you fell, I tried my best to pick you up as well. We laughed together and we cried together. You told me things you never thought you'd tell others and well, so did I to you. We were everything best friends could be and more. You were open and warm. Caring and understanding (most of the time, anyway). And I tried to be everything you were as well for I wanted to be just as good as you, if not better.
You were my best friend for two years. And over the many years of knowing you, I had watched as you grew and matured in so many ways. You shot up in height and your face lost the innocence it bore. The way you spoke changed to one that belonged to a young adult, and no longer of a child's. I had watched for six years.
But somewhere along the way, you began to change. Sure, I always knew I was absent-minded, but I am shocked when I realise that I don't think I noticed until you were actually morphed into the entirely different person you are now.
I still remember the things you told me one night, long after the sun had gone down. You told me you didn't want to change. You expressed your fear of becoming selfish and self-centered. You said you didn't want to be like the person before you; hot-tempered and cold on the inside - emotionless. And being one of the closest people to you, I told you that I would be around to stop you and bring you back if you ever started walking along that dreaded path of yours. You were still afraid. But in the end you put a smile of your face and gave me your reassurance when I worried.
Today, I stand by the sidewalk, still watching. I have watched for so long, and I have not stopped. I watched you grow, and I watched you in your pain and joy, and even accompanied you at most times.And then, I watched as you changed and standing here at this point of time, I can say I that I have watched you change from the any-other-normal kid you were to the great, caring friend and companion you were, and finally, to the emotionless so-called sadist you are now.
I'm sorry to label you in such a way, but it's only true. You would be surprised if you knew how many would agree with labeling you emotionless. Trust me, I know.
You are walking down that path you didn't want to. I promised I'd pull you back and save you but you pushed me away with your very own words and actions. Nothing I said could convince you to let me help.
So, what can I say? What is there left to say?
Even though I still care, and even though I still want to help, what is there left to say?
Nothing.
Nothing I can say, and nothing I can do.
So, I keep watching.
I keep, keep watching.
Even though it always pains me to do so.
Okay, no no, I did not ponteng. I took study leave today. Hmph. XD
Why, you ask?
Because Chemistry Chapter 4 is evil. EVIL, I'm telling you!
But so is Sejarah. ; (
Sejarah might actually be eviller. Lol.
Btw..
Looks like the emo disease is spreading nowadays.
Tsk tsk.
; )
Anugerah Cemerlang day! Shall let only the pictures do the talking.
Nikky Nik, we love you. ; )
The clock sitting on her table never ceases to make her wonder. Each ticking second marked the aging of time. Time is being wasted.
A year ago, they started falling apart.
If it weren't for that day, today wouldn't be today. It would have been different.
Much more different.
Does it still matter to her?
Yeah, she's not.
She's not okay.
Stop asking already.
Noticed that I have pictures to put up. And I'm also being random again. ; )
Wednesday, 23rd April 2008.
The day I skipped BM because Pn. Norria wasn't teaching and escaped to the IT room with Julian and Max. Hey, I didn't skip for no reason okayh. I needed to burn the Prefectorial Board magazine layout into a CD and I needed Julian to help me erm.. memperkukuhkan.. eh, no, that's wrong BM. Fine, strengthen my greenhouse that I built for the Science exhibition later that afternoon. =_=
Spent a lot of time in the IT room actually. Haha, whaaattt? Don't look at me that way. Puan Lim was there too and she welcomed my presence. XD I was apparently made a spy on the guys too, making sure that they didn't do anything "naughty".
Julian Yee. No joke weyh. ; )My random statement to Mel : Why must we be Chinese and have sepet eyes??!!
Recess time.
Chuah eats keropok lekor now.Really shows that the end of the world is coming. Nyahhaa.
During recess and on duty.Location : 4th floor staircase.
I always hated the way I look too neat when I'm in uniform.
Lambda after recess.This shot was one of Fass's lame attempts to get a cool picture of half of his face.
Chemistry exhibition.Kye Li and Julia proving that electricity can be generated from tea leaves and a bit of water.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Studied Physics yesterday. I have a single workbook. (Judokas, pay close attention.)
Look closely.Do you see it? ; )
I swear I didn't edit the picture. HAHA.Jonathan Wong?!
Benz's favourite treats.
Wow, it's RM10.80?!Me : Benz, your treats are RM10.80 for 200 grams! Which means it's like, 5 cents per gramme!!
Benz : *gives a look that says "I-don't-give-a-damn-I-just-want-the-treat-NOW." Consider yourself blessed, Benz. Hmph.
Stage One.[don't think dog has seen treat yet.]
Stage Two.Adorable, no?
[dog has seen treat and grabbed it.]
My white wolf. ^^
My only forevermore sayang.
Quoting Xin Yi :Smile, like there's nothing wrong.
[Appreciate this post. It took a lot of effort.]
I am destructive.
Mark my words, I am.
I am a hurtful person. Unintentionally, of course.
And of course I'm sorry.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Okay, random beginning, I know. But yes, it bears meaning. Please watch out around me.
LOL, I'm serious. (and for some reason, I'm still lol-ing? Bluek.)
Random post.
Stayed home today and didn't go to school. Decided to study at home because school today would've been completely useless. Niro called from school around 9 a.m. asking why on earth I wasn't in school. She said there was the rehearsal thingy for Hari Anugerah Cemerlang this Saturday and there was basically nearly no studies at all since teachers was busy.
Glad I didn't go to school today. ; )
Julian smsed around 9 too, indicating he didn't go to school either. Lol, so did Erin. (Hope *ahem ahem* doesn't miss her, right guys? Judokas, you know what I mean. ; p )
Random statement :
Emotion is a weakness.
Mine are all messed up.
Why does my blog look so colourless??
It needs colour!
LOL.
Colour! LOL.This would be at the Prefects' Camp lecture hall.
People, guess which twin is this? ; )
I call her Dharr-ling. x) Because I loveee her.Exaaaammssss. AAAAAHHHHH!
*freaks out all over again, wondering why on earth is she blogging for and goes back to reading bout Momentum*
=_=
Maybe. Just, maybe.
She hasn't cried for nearly a month now.
But today, she feels like she deserves to cry.
So she does.
Just like everyone else, he gave up.
And she was stupid enough to believe he'd try?
Haven't been updating since the last one cause I went for the Prefects' Camp over the weekend. I promise I'll post on it after the exams (though that is a long, long time from now). But to say it in just a few words, it was awesome although there were some unwanted incidents. I'm just thankful that everyone's fine and no one got hurt. =)
Anyway, the pressure of the upcoming exams is really starting to kick in. And I have not studied. And no, I'm not kidding. I am so screwed.
And I keep wondering why I always pull back and am resentful of hurting the feelings of others but in the end, it's really only me that gets hurt. Me who goes around walking like a zombie. Me who refuses to join in when all others are laughing. Me who watches from afar and feels that pang inside. Me who feels like a bitch but also me in the end who feels everything come back at me and smack me right in the face.
I wish things were simpler.
All this just because of you.
It's hard to ignore the fact.
It had always been about you.
It is always about you.
And it probably will always be about you.
I wish it wasn't so hard to believe.
People say you, on the other hand, are not alright. I wanted to take your hand and say I'm sorry. But the action just would not come about.
But when I talk to you, you seem almost perfectly alright. A perfect contradiction. So like I said, I end up watching you from the other side of the room being alright and laughing while I stand on the other side, blank and tired.
Like I said, it comes back and smacks me right in the face.
My heart can't possibly break,
When it wasn't even whole to start with.
She has yet another responsibility to carry out. So she does. There is no response. She knows they hear her but none of them bring their eyes to meet hers. It is as though they cannot hear her or as though she is invisible. She gives up. It is not the first time they've done this. If they don't care, why should she?
Because whatever happens, the blame will be put on her. It will be her image that goes to ruins. It will be her whom everyone will think cannot control her own people. It will be her. Not them.
She is fuming. She feels like she desperately needs to yell at something. She tells her faithful brotherly companion she is going to the toilet. She goes a floor up and then walks along the corridors towards the toilet. It is not the toilet that she truly wants to go to. It was just the easiest place she could think of.
The words had been spreading. It was another reason as to why she is even more distressed. She doesn't know what to do.
Where does she go now? She thinks of her best friend in the classroom just diagonally above hers. No, she's having class. How bout the classroom opposite her best friend's? The words. No, she can't go there either. Where else?
She thinks of all the people she has hurt and she feels angry at herself and upset all at the same time. This is her life. This is how she has to deal with it.
And suddenly, she feels her eyes stinging. For the first time in a very, very long time, her eyes were filling up with tears. She is surprised at how easily she let herself give in to emotion. But the tears do not fall. They merely stay in her eyes for she would not let them out. And she realises that she has nowhere to go. Absolutely, nowhere. And the feeling of it is even more choking than before.
She stares at her reflection in the toilet mirror. The eyes staring back at her look so tired with the dark rings under them and the expression the face bore is one that not a single word can describe. She heads back to her classroom, but instead of staying in there, she takes her books and enters the empty classroom opposite. In the silence and darkness of the classroom, she does her work, hoping that by some weird chance, he would find her.
But no, it was not to happen.
She hears them leaving. And then she gets up to see a note on the whiteboard saying they've gone to the library. So she decides to sit down in her own classroom now and do her work. The anger subsides but the pain remains. After a while, she gets up to search for her best friend and at least get a hug from her when the same brotherly companion appears at the staircase with his flustered-looking face.
"Where have you been? Everyone's waiting for you. Without you, we cannot go into the library!"
And for some unexplained reason, the anger returns. She snaps a few words of impatience at him and then heads back down the staircase to her classroom. Her steps are quick. She steps into the classroom and with a sudden outburst, she hits the door hard with her hand. An action that is most definitely not of normality for her. The pain immediately sears into her palm as she sees it turn a crimson red. She ignores it and grabs her book and heads to the library.
She apologises to her brother. It is not his fault.
Few of them look at her as she walks in but she does not meet their eyes so they do not speak. She walks over to the cross-looking teacher and lies about how she had to go see some other teacher about some important matters. The teacher just shot back words at her saying she did not have the permission, and is therefore at fault. Then the teachers says the words of, "Ponteng kelas. Nanti ambil borang dan isi. Duduk dulu."
She silently walks to a table right at the back of the library and reads her History textbook. No words register in her head. Her thoughts were all over the place for a million thoughts were running through her head.
There is nothing left. Just plain sorrow.
Her responsibilities had meant that much to her. She had meant to do them so well. If this is how it's going to end, why did she even bother to in the first place? Why go through the trouble of hiding? Why go through the trouble of worrying? And, why, in the first place, get broken?
No words would comfort her.
At this point, she is inconsolable.
Silently, she thanks the world for everything it has done to her. And she thanks everyone for their mere words of promise. As if they really care.
The teacher somehow forgets about the mostly-insignificant-to-others pink form because she leaves the library without saying a word.
She is hurt.
And she hopes they are happy now.
Couldn't sleep anymore when the clock striked 7.30 a.m. Lol.
I guess I was excited to see you.
Headed over to Chan's place and reached there around 9 thirty. Chan was in the shower. Lol. And she literally shooed me out when she saw me sitting on her bed and she almost walked in with a towel wrapped around her. LOL. Sorry, Channieee. But then she came out all dressed, hugged me, wished me, and gave me my present which was not to be opened. Hahah.
Ate bread with olive oil and vinegar for the first time ever at her place. It was something different. =)
Left her place at 10 for the KL Baptist Church to meet up with Max.
Yeah, this is where he claims himself to be handsome.LOL. ^^
After that, we walked over to Pavilion with Chan and Max whispering behind my back every few minutes. =_= Haha, did you guys think I didn't notice?? Hmph. Walked around for a bit and went to Chameleon to buy my sister the hair clips she asked for and then went to J. Co to get some donuts. And then, what do you know, Fassler, Zan, Joshua, Faisal, and Yik Fei came along. W-o-w. Haha, so the amount of J.Cos we had to buy increased to a dozen and we sat down to eat them. The Oreo ones so completely rock. ^^
Oh, then the next part is where it got a bit weird. We were like walking, and then suddenly we got dispersed for some weird reason because Kim appeared out of nowhere too and Chan told me to go with Faisal to Nandos first. And when everyone was finally seated, we took our orders.
Then, so many guys of the left to go to the toilet and apparently to bring Yi Rong and Darryl up. And when they came back..
It's a Baskin Robbins Oreo Ice-Cream Cake!
Thanks Fass for managing the cake. ;p
Thanks Mummy Kim for cutting up the cake because...
.. it was so rock hard that I couldn't do it! ;p
Haha, that's the chocolate Baskin Robbins sign that I took a bite out of. XD
Group picture! Nyek.Yarh, yarh, 4 girls and many guys. Hahha.
REALLY, REALLY SORRY BOUT THE GLASS JAR.
VERY SORRY. ; (
So, in the middle of walking around and waiting for everyone to gather outside the GSC's entrance..
We decided to let the balloon go.
Hon Weng with balloon.
Me with bonker aka balloon.My goodbye speech :
Dear balloon, thank you for having being my bonking partner. You have been a good bonker.
And now, I am setting you free.
Movie we watched after that was Definitely, Maybe. And the guys found it boring. Sheesh, you guys are so not sentimental. ;p Poor Darryl again was on the edge of his seat.
But it was definitely a movie watched to remember. Because it was special. =)
Immediately, after the movie, Ee Von was barking at me to get my butt out of Pavilion because the guard was chasing her away from the entrance. So, I almost-ran to the entrance and said bye and thanks to everyone for coming. =)
Which I really mean. Thanks for coming!!
Went home and got ready for dinner with family at Victoria Station.
Ordered the Seafood Au Gratin. Okay, the picture looked kinda icky, so I ain't posting it up.
Then, went to buy some famous durian ice-cream of some sort nearby. Hahaa, then went to Secret Recipe too to get..
Left : White Chocolate Macademia.Right : Raspberry Cheese.
I'm wishing for both our very bests.Thanks again guys for everything.
Thanks for the presents.
Thanks to all those who took the effort to wish me. =)
Love all of you so very the much.
Sweetheart.