morning lights;

Past few days have been spent feeling insignificant again.
In SO many ways.

Class photographs were today and society photographs were yesterday. Yerp, insignificance part comes in there. Long story, don't ask.

Still have tons of work to do.

I want to be immune to everything you do.

I baaaareeeely slept last night. Kept rolling around in bed only to find myself still awake. It wasn't like I wasn't tired or anything, I just couldn't sleep.

Result : Nearly fell asleep during the PEKA ceramah, Physics, Mod Maths and Physics. (that's basically all the subjects I had today, isn't it?)

But when I got home and lay down on the bed? Sure, I was exhausted but I lay down there for a whole 40 minutes and I was only half-asleep and I strongly recall listening to all the sounds in my neighborhood. And I am so falling asleep during tuition later. Sigh.

Shirtliff practise today. Had lontar peluru and then high jump. The stupid metal ball I threw went like.. a few steps ahead of me? High jumped after sooooo long and noticed that my jumps aren't that powerful anymore. And at one jump, I knocked my arm against the stupid palang and now it's blue blaccckk. I suckkkkk. ; (

And I left my wallet and watch at school on the stage and had to come back to school to get it. Credits and thank yous to Philip and Ai Leen for helping to take care of them.

My never ending to-do list is starting to get really depressing.

I was sitting at my study table with my tuition essay workbook sprawled in front of me. But what was I doing? I was staring blankly ahead with my eyes watching my two turquoise-blue fighting fishes swimming peacefully in front of me in their crystal clear aquarium water. I shifted my gaze and looked at the clock on my table. It was 3.15 p.m. in the afternoon and I was supposed to be doing anything but procrastinate. I watched the seconds tick by. One by one. Meaningless.

Even though my gaze was seemingly fixed on the ticking seconds passing by, about a million things were going through my head. As I sat there, I did a mental evaluation of myself as a person - a daughter, a sister, a friend and a person who simply cares too much.

Am I that bad a person?

I felt dampness in my eyes that was followed by hatred. I bit my lip and steadied myself again. I finally closed my essay workbook and took out my Biology book instead. No point trying to do something when you don't feel like doing it right? But the next thing I know, I was staring at my Biology book too. The dampness turned to full-beaded tears and they slowly began rolling down my face.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be the way I was. I didn't want to let you down. But sometimes, it's just not fair and I don't know how to tell you.

Right at that moment, I felt so lonely and my heart felt like it was in utter darkness. It was almost too much to bear. Resolving to my very last option, feeling extremely timid, I opened my desk drawer and took out the small brown leather bonded book sitting in it.

God, I don't know why I'm feeling this way. Just please, please, tell me something comforting. I need You to.

I opened a random page and when I read, there was nothing very significant that stood out. I closed my eyes and more tears came. I tried again but there was still nothing much very relevant. Minutes passed by. And I kept closing and reopening my Bible and reading random pages. And after some time, out of some strange unknown reason, the tears stopped coming. The pain had subsided to the point where it was bearable. My mind felt clearer and sighing, I put back my Bible and took out my essay workbook again.

I picked up my pen and didn't stop writing until I had finished my rumusan.

Then, I lay down to sleep on my bed and slept for an entire hour. When I woke up and had bathed, my brother came in and sat on my bed. He asked me a silly question bout some Finder SMS thing my mum had had installed in her phone. I answered. Not too nicely, but not too snappish either.

And I took the effort.

About 2.10 in the afternoon, Chan came over to my place after shopping at The Gardens to pick me up. We headed over to her house to hang out and then get ready together.

Say "awwww".

Plain silly.

Laine : What the hell?

Chan loves this picture and I'm not sure why. ; )
I look like some lotus flower girl. =.=

Kiss blows.

So, when we were done camwhoring, we decided to head over to Burger King for some Mozarella Cheese Sticks. But before that, Chan brought me to her "secret garden" behind her house.

Chan, LAME.

Cheese sticks! Yeaaaaaahh!

Then, we walked all the way to the playground in Bkt Antarabangsa just to fool around with the camera more.

Laine : I have an umbrella and I am not afraid to use it!
Chan : Whaaaateveeeerr.

Chan attempts to balance standing on the swing.
So did I actually and we ended up getting swung aroung and falling off. XD


Chan's idea to jump off the bench.
Phweeeett. *note her short skirt*

When we were finally done fooling around, we started walking all the way back to Chan's house And oh-my-goodness, the journey was exhausting. Note : We were walking the damn bloody hot sun with a single umbrella that was a bit too heavy for our liking.

Temper tantrums coming about for Chan. LOL.

Me? I was more of exasperated.
See? I'm not that bad-tempered. =D

By the time we got back to Chan's place and cooled down with some ice lemon tea and 100 Plus, it was already 4.20. We took a niceeee showeeerrr and then got dressed. Put on our dresses and accessories and we were ready to go! Note : Eyeliner. X)

But, being girls, I'm sure you guys would have predicted that we wouldn't just head out without taking pictures. *devillish grin*

Stripes and turquoise.

Wild?

Damsel-in-distress bitch act.

Full length outfits.

We headed out and about 5.40 p.m., we had already reached the Concorde Hotel. So we decided to put up a base camp in the toilet because we thought we were too early. Okay, don't call us lame.

Okay, WHY the evil look Chan?!

Partttyyy time! We handed over the present (Body Shop perfume set and La Senza lingerie XD) and we go :
(p.s. when Erin told me where they bought the perfume from, she said Body Glove instead of Shop. And I just stupidly nodded until Dharr pointed it out. Gosh.)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WEI ANN!
*hugs*

Dharr has no skills at picture-taking.
And Daniel, the men-in-white act thing didn't work out. :p

Chuah! =D

Don't ask about the party hats.
I wanted one. ; (

I got dragged out of the party around 8.30 cause my Dad was going on and on about how the Hard Rock Cafe will influence and expose me to the "dark culture". I suffered the ride home. Hahahah.

Anyways.

Ann, thanks for the awesome party and we hope you like the perfume and lingerie!
; )
Happy Sweet 16!

Eh, damn, my only picture with the birthday girl is still with her. Ann, I want it!! Haha.

So, she apologised. My mum apologised.
Wow.

So everything's going to be okay now?
I hope so.
I just feel kinda messed up at the moment.

And to Snowie, whoever you may be, thanks for the support all this while.

Most of you don't know what it's like to be broken.

Random beginning, I know. But it's true. More true than you know it.

I am currently in the state of not wanting to go to school and not wanting to go home after school. So. I don't know where the hell I should be. I wish I live with someone else. I wish I live with others. Just anywhere but here. I have all these weird fantasies of living with some other family and living a completely different life.
I want to go to Annnnn's paaaartttyyyy, but I can't even ask. I want to go, I want to go, I want to go. This is just so depressing.

In just the one day of school break yesterday, everything can and did change.
I spent the entire afternoon yesterday trying to understand prefixes with and at the end of the day, I still did not master prefixes. Well, I guess it's not so surprising when it was so wet everywhere.

The never ending to-do list has started up again and more work is piling up. And I have layouts to do that need to be handed in by tomorrow. And there's still the Ed Board board and Badminton board that needs to be done.

Mel's aching from judo. ; ) So am I. In my abdomen and when we laugh, we go, oh damn. But I guess my pains aren't as bad as Mel's cause she can barely walk properly. I just have abdominal pains.
I must do sit-ups?

I hate Physics.
Okay, fine, maybe I don't exactly hate hate Physics. I just don't get Physics. And I find my Physics teacher freaky. I don't mean freaky as in fierce freaky. I just mean freaky freaky. And everything she says doesn't register in my head. I shall just use the cliche saying of something "going in through the right ear and coming out through the left ear".
Yerp.

I like Chemistry.
When I sit in Chemistry, I feel as though I can still relate. And it's fun. In Physics, I'm like. Lost.

And the best part is that from now onwards, I have to understand every single damn thing by myself. I will have no guidance whatsoever until Assessment when my sister comes back from our hometown in Ipoh.
I actually miss her.

Currently feeling like crap.
And to my readers, sorry if my blog's just getting plain sappy and emotional nowadays. You guys must be pretty sick of reading my complaints by now. ; )

'Till next time.

Oh my gosh, there are PICTURES of me! Hahaha, this is why I love Nurul Nabila! Nyahahhaa.

Yay!

So this is the part where Datuk Fatimah (the lady in the green baju kurung) says, "Ini pasti ada banyak peminat. How are you?"
And I say, "I'm fine. *laughs a little then receives stuff* Thank you!"

Guess I don't feel SO bad now. But there were other things that happened too. So. Clap clap. Next topic.

I don't have a next topic. =_=
I should be sleeping.

Yes, I happen to notice that my post title today is the same as my blog name. Insignificance. Because that's exactly how I feel.

So yesterday, was the YPC Anugerah Cemerlang for the straight-A-ers. I don't have any pictures to put up because I did not bring a camera. And I didn't take any pictures with friends because I got literally pushed out of the picture and so I simply walked away. Okay, fine, I was in the school group photo but I was probably blocked by the million and one other straight-A-ers and so, no, I don't have any pictures. Clap clap. Talk about insignificance.

And there went my so-called 'moment of glory' for getting straight As. Gone. With no frozen memory of it except for the certificate and motivational book. Fine, maybe I'm just being stupid, but oh, what the hell.

Went for my first judo session after school and I found judo to be kinda funny. I enjoyed it though, and I can't wait to get my ghee (the judo uniform) and start throwing people. Wait a second, did I spell ghee right?? Haha. We learnt how to break falls and when I woke up this morning I had slight abdominal, leg and neck pain. Even my voice turned croaky. But it was worth it, and I can't wait for the next session.

Major argument with my mother. Don't bother calling or smsing my 1.5k-5-megapixel-camera-partially-touch-screen-K850i-phone because I don't have my phone at the moment.

Okay FINE, sorry I'm being so bitter. But I deserve to be bitter right now? Haha. But right now I just feel downright depressed. ; )


Silly games like Facebook Super Mario make me happy.

.. have a never-ending to-do list. And it's driving me crazy.

Ran about 800 metres around the field today and a 200 metre sprint. My head was pounding like crazy after that. Something's not right with me.

There was school today. On a Saturday. We all went just for Add Maths and Maths. But, guess what? There was a ceramah on how to be a "pelajar cemerlang" before recess and there went our Add Maths lesson. Greaaaattt.

So, Dharr, Erin, Mel and I went walking around the school doing roundings to track down Christopher and his lovely gang who turned out to be hanging out in their very own classroom but locking themselves in. And they were quiet when we walked pass, so we didn't think they'd be in there. Sheesh.

But rounding was fun. Haha, we exchanged ghost stories on our school building. Especially since SMKSBU used to be a mining pond. So, you can imagine. Haunted places include :
1. Bio lab.
2. The entire 4th floor.
2. 3rd floor guys' toilet
3. 2nd floor girls' toilet
4. Library

Okay, I'm not gonna post bout the stories here cause it'll probably freak you people out. ;p

And gosh, we had Physics. Again. Conversion of units. Daaaammmnn. Clearly I'm not one of the "smarter ones" yet. Haha. X)

I still need to study Physics.
PRONTO.

I have SO much work to do it is so scaring me. Every time I think that yay, maybe today we won't have so much work, *sound of books being thrown on table* even more work comes out to get me.

Damn, oh, damn.

And I am still finding time to blog!
Told you.
I'm Wonderwoman! X)

Had Physics at the lab today. And we nearly lost our heads trying to understand converting prefixes. We do the exercises, and fine, we get it all correct after lots and lots of discussion. Then, we check the answers given on the OHP screen. Yay, all correct! But next thing we know, the teacher is saying one of the questions' answer that was given is wrong. Groan. *blur* And then, one of the smarter ones step in front and tell the teacher she's wrong. Wtf?? *confused* They discuss and discuss and discuss. And suddenly, the teacher says that the smarter one was right.

Okay, seriously, WHAT??? *completely lost*

Shoottt.
Need to study Physics.
Pronto.

_____________________________________________

I am in official stressed mode.
A lot of things to do. A ton of things to worry about.
Homework.
Co-curriculum.
Ed Board.
Tuition classes.
Exam formats.
The upcoming Assessment One which is rumored to be on the 11th of February.

Assessment One? Ah, who cares right?

Wrong.

Assessment is a BIG deal.
Especially when one is flying to Southern China to spend Chinese New Year and only flying back on the night before the Assessment and is only reaching KLIA at 1 in the morning on the day of the Assessment itself. It is especially a BIG deal when one will only reach home around 3.30 a.m. And it is especially a BIG, BIG deal when one finds that as soon as he/she has settled down and taken a bath, one only comes to the big realisation that one already has to go to school and sit for the Assessment.

Yeah, yeah, I'm talking bout me alright.

So 4 Alpha, go ahead and beat me flat this Assessment. Hahaha.

Wow, I have so much of work and yet I can find time to blog.
I am Wonderwoman. XD

Official-stressed-look. X)

She's way too tired,
And she can't face realising.

She's far too scared,
And in her mind, she's screaming.

She doesn't know the truth,
And deep inside, she's burning.


She's not living in dreamland,
But neither is she facing reality.

She doesn't know how it will end,
And it's turning her crazy.

In the end, she feels so hopeless,
Because she is completely lost and just tired.

She can't even say what she wants to say because she is just too afraid.


You mean too much. Please don't go.

It was 4.40 p.m. yesterday when all of us finally gathered at Ann's house. Me, Chan, Hakim, Aimi, Julian (Loh), Ruzanna, Shasha, Fassler, Idhzan, Ann and Kim. At 5.15 p.m., the door bell rang and all of us started screaming like mad people. Hahaha, we hid in a corner, and when Trixie walked in, we yelled "Surprise!!". I'll never forget the look on her face and how she was so shocked and touched at the same time.

So, it was her surprise farewell party because she's shifted to Wesley High. We ate a LOT. And there was a chocolate fountain with marshmellows, grapes, bananas, and strawberries. What else did we eat? Sausages, self-roasted chicken with Extra Hot Peri-Peri sauce, and Dominos. I managed to spread the joy of Dominos' Classified Chicken to more people when I ordered it for all of us yesterday. Nyahaha.

Us with whipped cream in our hair.
Thank you so much, Ann.
I'm gonna missss youuuuuu, Triiiixxx.

We sat on the sofa singing "Umbrella" together while he played the guitar.
And he comforted me when I was emo.
That's why I love Hakim. X)


Oh, she sang with us too. *hums hums*



Sponge bob jelly cake! X) *unslaughtered*


We amputated his legs! Poor Sponge bob.

So anyway. We had a pretty good time all in all. And Trix, best of luck in Wesley. You will always be remembered.

So, my modem and router is finally fixed after being fried by extremely-angry-Mother-Nature and her lightning. So, hooray!

Anyway, school started last Thursday and tomorrow (Friday), will be 6th day of school. And already I'm stressed. =s Homework's piling up and so are Ed Board's assignments. And the exam formats are creeping me out. Big, BIG, time.

So, catching up! Jet got voted monitor of 4 Alpha and Kye Li got voted assistant. Yin got voted treasurer and I got AJK Bio (just like I wanted if say I didn't get assistant monitor, lol). We've had the Annual General Meetings for our sports houses, persatuans and permainans, mine being UBS and badminton. Tomorrow's unit beruniform, and yes, I'm joining judo. Okay, could you PLEASE stop laughing already?!

(Stupid Hon Weng, Chew, Hon Herng, and everyone else who could not believe I'm joining judo. Hmph.)

Oh yes, I got my phone! I chose green. ; ) Nyahahaha, credits to Hon Weng for teaching me how to download free themes and games. My current theme is just adorable. Yays. =)

Have to get back to roller coasters for EST and isotopes and atomic structures for Chem now. Tatah. ; (


I need, no, HAVE to get going in Sejarah.

So, we went to school for a prefect and UBS briefing. The prefects' one was about assembly tomorrow and other school-related matters. UBS was about orientation tomorrow. Gosh, we're gonna pretend to be a slot machine tomorrow and go "HA! HA! HA!" all the way after Aja "pulls the slot machine handle". Okay, I hope we don't start laughing outta nowhere. And since we didn't warm up before we went squatting and standing again and again while acting out the slot machine, the next thing we knew was us shouting "OW, OW, OW!" while walking down the staircase.

We're UNFIT guys.


Oh, highlight of my day :