ok here goes. I am not feeling great lately. I guess I need to get back on my no wheat no sugar diet to kick out the nasty yeast that has been clogging up my bloodstream and making me feel lethargic and crabby. Also I don't know what the heck is going on with my hormones. It's like I've had PMS for 2 weeks. Which is usually followed by... you know. But nothing. WTF. (and no I'm not pregnant)
I have a social commentary as well that I hope doesn't offend anyone but it's my blog and my rant, so if you get offended, don't read it anymore, I guess.
Here it is. I got a message from my good friend, Kelly, inviting us to go camping this weekend. I was happy & sad to get the invitation.
A) I would love to go camping and we have been trying to figure out how to go since my kids are (hopefully) to an age where we might actually have a good time. But somehow it just seems utterly impossible to figure out how to go do something that we used to do every damned weekend of the summer.
B) I rarely have anyone to watch my kids if we did want to go to a big camping session with all the old friends where we could stay up late, drink some beers by the fire and just relax, etc.
C) and here's the one that is pretty under my skin right now: 2 years ago this summer,I know people's lives change and stuff happens and changes, blah blah blah, but we did have someone to watch our ONE child so that we could go out camping for ONE night. And I was so excited. I tried to invite everyone that I cared about and used to go camping with and used to see more than once a year. And you know what? NO ONE CAME. not one person. It was me & Cody and it was our first night away from Finn, and instead of the distraction of hanging out with old friends and catching up and having fun, it was my husband and I sitting around, asking each other, "do you think it's too early to go to bed?" Honest to God that is what we did. We were bored and worried about our kid, and left the next day feeling like it was a total waste of gas. I sure as hell didn't sleep at all that night. I finally got out of the tent at about 4 and sat in the Jeep until the sun came up. And cried. Why did no one come?
Here is another thought. My husband and I are different people. In many senses. We are different than we were before having children, and we are different from each other. Many times I get nostalgic for old friends & roommates and just wish we could hang out with people our own age sometimes. Now, there's nothing I can do about that except for the odd barbecue here and there where it's, let's hang out for an hour or so until we have to go home to put our kids to bed. It's not like I have people constantly begging me to watch my kids, telling me Go out! Have fun! (and you may, dear Reader, be thinking, "well you have to ask". Would that it were true that that was all the necessary undertaking to be done. I should have died already for the trying. I guess I just don't have the natural charisma to bat my eyes and say please and all falls into place, nor do I have the good fortune to simply state "this is when I need you"and have that work for me either.)
But the difference is Cody is not all that much like that. He is content to just hang out with his family. And I, in no way, am saying that is a bad thing. I think it is wonderful. And I probably get defensive because I wonder if it makes me a bad person because sometimes I just WANT TO GO AWAY and have a couple hours where I can feel like a grown up woman instead of a tired mommy. So, perhaps my point is that Cody might put off the vibe like he doesn't want to hang out, maybe people get that and figure well, it doesn't matter if we don't see them because it doesn't matter to them if we do.
it matters to me.
and here is where I'm going to sound bitchy without really meaning to. Back to this camping invitation. It was a message sent out to a lot of people and I get to read every response. Every person who says, "oh yes we will be there!" or "we have to work, but we will do our damnedest to be there" or "wouldn't miss it!" and every like comment brings me back to sitting in the woods with Cody trying to come up with baby names for Burgundy because we couldn't think of one damned other thing to talk about. Alone. No friends. No one else. Where was everybody?
Is it because it was me asking? I really want to know. Perhaps it is hypocritical of me to set forth this rant mere weeks after being able to go to Montana for a weekend by ourselves. (and don't kid yourself into thinking that we didn't get any guff for that move). Should I resign myself to the fact that I might get a vacation or even a small break not more than once every 5 years of marriage? Seems like someone should be saying right now "if there's a will there's a way" but what if there's someone else's will in my way? What if I need help? and volunteers? and friends? I guess I'm just shit out of luck.
Rant ended.
Firstly, I would like to say sorry to anyone who may have been offended or depressed or left feeling generally icky by that last post. Darned hormones and things happening at bad times will do that to me. So... sorry. I try really hard not to be a mega-bitch (well, it's not like it's an everyday battle, I think I'm mostly a nice person, just at times things get the better of me).