When will this nightmare end?

This post has been in draft for several years, so i thought i rather post it up instead of deleting it. Its been awhile since i blogged and maybe i am reconsidering to post it up again. but then again , i never had the determination or perseverance to stick to anything, it seems.

My life now consist of taking care of my dad, staying at home, going to the office, being chauffer and doing my school work. I'm really really upset right now. I have no idea because i'm too tired or i'm about to fall sick or just being emotional right now.

Life's unfair.
I don't even know where to start on this. It gets me really really sad when i think about all these things and the first thing that came to my mind was that.. I don't even have a room and can hide and cry my heart out in. My tears are transparent and non- existence, just like the unfair-ness i face in this house i'm suppose to call home. I don't even have soft tissue from tissue boxes to cry and blow my nose into until my dad fell sick and decided that the normal toilet roll is not hygienic enough and too harsh on his precious skin.

My parent's own two houses and i don't even have a room of my own in the house i stay in. Not to mention my own study table or a proper bed to sleep in. Why? I have no idea. Because my grandma has 9 children but no one is able to let her live with them? And my mum has to keep saying in my face that how poor thing i am to have to sacrifice my room for her to stay in, without me being able to show the hurt and unjust i feel, because its 'only right' i do so. My dad has 7 daughters, but because i'm the youngest and still living with them, i've got to be the one to take care of them. I stay at home all the tie, and have to help out at the office. To be at their beck and call, to be the driver, to bring them everywhere, to handle dad's doctor's visit, medicine, hospitalisation. To accept the fact that i'm living with three elderlys that acts like children all the time, throwing tantrums, fighting and needing to be pacified one way or another. And having a sister that takes advantages of things and people. To live with us and treat my house like a diner. That makes promises she never keeps. That has an outsider who has the privileges like a family member but the responsibility of a guest. Who treats everything as if for granted.

That i don't even have data plan because I can't ask for something just because everyone else in the freaking world has it. Or the fact that my parents never bought me any gadgets or laptop or soft toys other then the handphone and the laptop my school requires. That I don't have the rights to the tv at home to watch shows i wanna watch when i want to watch them.

I know its not right that i come in here only to ramble when my mood is down, but i've not no other way to let it out. I've even got another rant post that i saved in draft, that one too angsty to post up.

To be painfully honest. Things aren't too bad right now. Dad's stable (kinda) and my sch work is not a big problem. But i feel like i'm stuck in a rut. I've going things going in my mind over and over again. Things i don't know how to tell people, and things i don't wanna even think about.  Sometimes i wished i could just get drunk and forget about all these, too bad alcohol don't work that way for me.  I want people to be there, to spend time, to kill time or just to be with me. I feel so awfully lonely these few days.  And i'm not sure i want just anyone or just the particular few to be there.

Not knowing what i want suck, but knowing i can't have it even if i know anyway sucks more. And people around me being unhappy, that affects my moods too, especially people i care about.

It hurts so much right now it's getting hard to breathe.

Tired is the new happy.

My days have been measured by tiredness nowadays.
Measuring from a little tired to extremely tired.

Not a day I don't feel tired. When assignments deadlines are around the corner, the tiredness level goes up. Happiness is no longer an option, it becomes rather much of an extravagance.

Update

The last week passed by just like a blur with so many things going on all at once, leaving me out of breathe and very very tired.

Last week tuesday brought daddy to the doctor because he's feet got swollen again. As much as i wished it to be otherwise, he got admitted again. After that was rushing to and from the hospital to home, and waking up early in the morning to head to the hospital to catch the doctors during their rounds, even if it meant sleeping barely 4hours the night before. Classes on tues, assignments was due wed night, yuan's present needs to be finished on thursday night after my classes, Yuan's 21st is on friday and meeting with my friends on saturday. My daytime is spent either at the hospital or home trying to pay back as much of my sleep debt as possible. And my nighttime doing the things i need to do, leaving only less then 5hours of sleep every night.

The day dad was admitted we spent almost 6hours waiting in the ward for a vacancy in the room, and the next day, the doctor cleared him for discharge in the morning. However, he was denied discharge after checking the heart rate and had to stay for another day. Dad was transferred into high dependency ward that night which is horrible cause the place is a terrible environment and never ending of tests and checks with noises. He was complaining and raising a ruckus in the room. You cannot imagine the shock i get on wed night rushing my assignments when my phone rang at 11pm coming from the hospital, only to find out that he's transferred into a high dependency ward. He was transferred out the next day, when his heart rate finally slowed down. And i thought he'll be discharged soon, but only to learn that we have to learn how to perform insulin injections on him. Mum panicked the minute she heard about it and got very stressed, so I had to be the one learning and practising. After two practise, the nurses agreed that i was capable of doing it at home so they discharged him yesterday. But when getting medicine from the pharmacy, i only learnt that the easy way to inject was not available and i had to perform the traditional syringe and vial way. Plus the fact that they do not provide the syringe and that i have never learnt how to retrieve the medicine from the vial. All these threw me into a flustering panic all afternoon.

Six days of him admitted threw my schedules haywire, and constantly being lack of sleep is taxing on my moods, plus the stress i face in the hospital, I think i would have been very close to breaking down. I'm really tired and stress with all the responsibility and duties. And all these is did not end when he got discharged.

Today i was woken up at 10 to perform the injection and administer the medicine. Then i had to rush down with mama to tiong bahru to replace the glucose meter because mama broke the lancet. After that we had to head home to pick up some things before rushing down to the office. After that , we still had to go to city square to pick out some of dad's medical necessities and also do grocery shopping since i was already driving.

I'm tired, and i'm sick of being tired. Happiness seems so near yet so far, and being with other people's trouble seems so minute and meaningless. I wanna be happy and contented, but it feels harder and harder as time goes by...

Same nightmare.

Over and over again. When will I ever wake up and find things the way they were before...? I'm so tired and I'm running out of things to be happy on. Its so tough, yet I'm only doing so little. People around me need me to give so much more, but I have lesser and lesser things to give.

Birthday post!

It's the end of my 23rd birthday, and this year things happened much differently with people being busy with their things and yuan's 21st and my situation at home. But it was nevertheless well-spent with people i loved.

First celebration with a few of my polymates at P.S. Cafe. The ambience is so good and the food was not too bad. Just that it's really kinda expensive. Having high tea there would be so great with the variety of cakes and drinks. It was nice of my friends to treat me, cause its not cheap. After dinner we walked around, visited Mich at where she was working. Then we decided to head down to playnation. Had four hours of fun and laughter, never seems to have enough time to spend with them no matter what we end up doing.

Then was the night of my birthday. Silly jo was asking earlier on if i would be staying up late past twelve and stuff, so i knew she'll come down then. Came down right before midnight and brought me cupcakes from Twelve cupcakes and a lovely card, cause she wanted to be the very first to wish me happy birthday! Haven't had cupcakes for awhile and jo managed to get all three chocolate based one with two of them being my favourites, chocolate and peanut butter! So touched by her 'surprise' and the card filled with touching messages...

Started the day with a lovely lunch with mama and sec sis family at an awesome jap restauarant. The food is good and everyone had a fulling lunch. Then head home for some rest before meeting up with yuan! Yuan bought me tickets for Disney on Ice for my birthday cause we're both Disney fanatics. Had dinner at coffeebean, and head down to the studio. Bought the program booklet for yuan and it came along with a mickey crown. hahhaha. The show end up not being as interesting as we thought it would be. But seeing the great figure dancers skate on the ice like dancing on the air was amazing and also seeing rapunzel and alice as well. After the show, we decided last minute to go sing k and called to book a room. Had a little time before the booking so i had some macs cause the dinner was not fulling for me. After that we sang k and boy joined us a little after twelve. After singing k , yuan and i walked back to my house and hang around to chit chat till about 4 before heading home.

That's how my birthday went. Thankful for all the thoughts and wishes of the people i love. The lovely treat and time spent with hf, zj and don. The jap lunch with my dearest family and the night spent with yuan. And the msgs i received once the clock strikes twelve. Haven't met up with my secondary sch mates yet, hope to meet up with them for a dinner or something. But this week is a little busy with sch, and dad's doc visit so i guess i can only meet them next week.


The few days with my family and friends kinda make me forget about the things that have been troubling me for the past weeks. But when it all ended, i've got to face the music again. So tired.
But what choice do i have? I really don't want to mar the memories i have for this birthday with so little to be happy about.

Remind me

never to do things for others ever again. My own kpo-ness and "thinking" about other people ends with with nothing good except being doubted and bringing so much trouble to myself. It makes me so pissed of when all i wanna do is a nice lovely present for someone important to me. But it ends up being something else instead. So much negative thoughts in my mind right now, it saddens me so much.  If i'm still working or have any income, i would have asked everyone to get their own gifts and i'll pay for everything myself.  It should have been such a lovely present. But i don't have the mood to do it anymore.

I am afraid

That no one will remembers. But then again, those who forgets are not worth bothering myself with..

Anyway, I've been stuck at home recently. Busy with present making and also spending so much recently i'm running low on cash. I've been looking at makeup counters recently and very tempted to get some to try, but then again i realise how lacking i am of skincare routine and using makeup would make my face breakout more easily. Love hate relationship. Hhahahaha

Lack of sleep is making me grouchy today, plus some aching on my sides told me its probably ovulation period, thus more crankyness. I'm running out of things to say. Toodles.

Fucking pissed.

Seriously. Don't use your petty eyes to view my actions. I'll never be so stingy as to sell anything i got for free for my own family members. It makes me so angry just to think about it because i had the good intention to offer cheap tickets i've paid with my own money to people and they say that i'm earning money of my own family members.

ANGRY!!!

Gratitude post

Haven't had one in a long time, guess its time i did one again.

I'm thankful for...

- The fact that my dad is not in any serious situation. The doctor have cleared him out for discharged without the need for any operations or warnings and he's on oral medications. I've let him return to his normal routines and stopped driving him to and for work so far, so i've gotten my routines back as well.

- That my sister is there to help out whenever I cannot take hospital duties when dad was in the hospital. And that she was around to take turns with mummy when i was at the trip to Malaysia.

- The trip to Malaysia. Although it wasn't that awesome a trip. I had a little fun and also allow me to reminisce the place cause i haven't been there for a very long time.

- The opportunity to attend the workshop. Cause i've really learn quite a few things there that's not limited to art or doodling, but to life experience in general. I've also gotten to know a few awesome people that are really kind and helpful. They tried to help me by giving me contacts and advices, and also remembers things i mentioned about the troubles in my life and kept me in their prayers. I am really really touched by the little actions people can give.

- Yuan who's always there to hear my grumble and rant about anything and everything. Although we meet much lesser and have more things going on in life, we still keep each other updated and just listen. To me, that's more important then anything in the world when someone makes the time out just to sit down and listen to what you wanna say...

- Jiayi, who's trying to help me get some programs so that i can do my assignments right now. Although i'm not sure if its gonna work yet, but simply her willing to help means so much. I'm thankful that i can always ask her to help me with computer programs and stuff, feel really bad that i suck at this kinda things and grateful that she does it for me without complaining or getting angry at me for asking. She's also willing to hear me ramble about my dad's stuff after my flareup in the group chat but she didn't get angry. Or rather, she tried to understand the situation and gave me some advices!

- Boonie, called me to chat with me also to understand the reason behind my flareup and spent quite a bit talking and trying to calm me down. Caught me at a bad time with the phone call, but it was time well spent.

- Everyone who's shown concern for me during the period where my dad was hospitalised and stuff, cause it was really quite a hard time for me as there are too many fears and unknowns. And too many responsibilities i put upon myself at that time, so I was really stressed out. Talking and knowing i've got people that is supportive and willing to lend a listening ear really helped me avoid being too stressed out.

I hope things goes back to normal and I'll focus more on my school work and also in finding part time jobs to feed myself plus gain experiences, esp in social work circles..

update!

Just ended my last session of doodling classes with NLB, the series of 4 classes which i managed to attend all four was awesome. Met so many nice and kind people there and learnt quite a few things. Glad to say that it has become my outlet of stress ever since dad's illness. Gonna have a gratitude post after this which is very much overdued.

Hanged out a bit at yuan's house today. It was totally relaxing though i wasn't feeling very well. Let me rambled and talked out a little, its so good i missed the times we spent hours just to chit chat.

There are things coming up that's gonna keep me busy, the next round of deadlines are around the corners and also presents to prepare and more activities to attend. Not to mention gotta keep a close eye on daddy's condition. Hopes everything turns out well!

Extremely exhausted.

Three days worth of traveling, long coach rides, baby sitting, being a tour guide, being rushed everywhere and having to spend time with unpleasant people.

These three days was suppose to be rest and relax for me, but it turned out more tiring then if i didn't go. Activities, food, accommodations and time planning is terrible and i rather stay at the small and empty hotel all day then to do all those things, but i don't have much choices. Ohwell, shall stop grumbling about it.

I'm back now, and there are lots of things waiting to be done. Welcome back to another alternative hell.

my deadlines are over

For the time being, so i have more breathing space. But driving everyday is still talking a toll on me, cause my thigh muscles hurts when walking and i think its because of stepping on the pedals often. Ohwell. Might be my posture while driving also, idk.

Anyway, updates. My dad's situation is like i have no idea what's he gonna do, but there be many follow-ups and seeking advice for alternative opinions. I hope everything will turn out fine so that life can resume back to normal like the past. Having to drive them to and from work everyday sort of mess up with what i do everyday, since i have school and my day is interrupted twice so i can't do anything or go anywhere longer then three hours.

Yesterday was more of an interesting day. I was woken up early cause mama was chatting loudly with hazel all morning, but i only left the bed when i heard that there was a rabbit outside the house. Found out that there was an abandoned rabbit currently hiding among the pots outside. I tried feeding it carrots and vegetables but it was not interested as i realised that it has been eating the mango that fell from the tree already. Gave it some water and watched it all morning before i had to leave the house for some errands. When i came back, the rabbit was gone cause someone took it away. I hope that its in a better place now with people to care for it. Kinda sad cause i would really love to have it instead, but mama was not willing cause it was dirty and that we didn't have a cage big enough to house it.

At night was dinner with my secondary school peeps, which we had it at Ma maison. Had my usual squid ink pasta, which was amazing. Had chit chats and laughter as usual, and i was sad when we have to end the night and head home. Realised that i haven't been meeting people and interacting outside my house. Need to head out more often i guess.

I'm suppose to be rushing my assignment out right now, but i'm not really in the mood and the fact that i don't have the peace and quiet i need in the house. So might as well unload whatever that's on my mind so that i can concentrate better to chiong for the hour left in my deadline.

I'm so tired. And annoyed that i don't have any more time to plan my own stuff. I'm the kind that likes to do my things slowly and take my time to plan and think about it. But ever since daddy's sick, i feel like i'm on a  running train, with no where to escape. All the time is spent looking after dad, driving people around, being rushed home so that people can go do their stuff. I don't understand why i have to be on standby 24/7 and always assumed that i'll be there to do stuff for them. My wishes and feelings don't even take into account. When i say i wanna do something, no one bothers to take over my duties so that i can do it. When i specifically says i'm not free for something, they still insistently go ahead with doing what they want to do, and leave me with no choice but to change my plans to go along. I know some things take priority over me, but i would like to have my own time, my own schedule and people just asking nicely if i minded doing such things for them. It's not really that i mind , cause i don't have a choice not to do them, but to know that i'm appreciated and my opinions and feelings are taken into consideration. I'm not saying i cannot do the stuff sometimes, just that wants it to be done on a later date. But no one listens, no one bothers. I feel suffocated.

I hate it that i feel so bad when i feel like i can't do enough for them, but then again, i'm already trying my best to give them everything i can.

All I can say

is i have no idea if things got better or worst. But I know i'm not going to have it easy.

I'm sorry

But this post is gonna be long, damn long. Got so many things I want to unload from my mind. Hopefully I get it out of my mind before they all run amok and hide in the crooks and cranny of my brain.

I guess this started yesterday or a few days ago, I can't really pinpoint a moment it started. Daddy's been feeling rather under the weather recently, eating very little during meal times and complaining that he's not feeling well. Mama also realise that his feet was swollen the night before and she's been trying hard to ask him to go check up at the hospital since they're going overseas. So quarrels and shouting has been going around the house, regardless of timing like at 4am in the morning. Before that was granny being upset over some dumb thing i cannot say here, but it also upsets my mum for who knows what reasons. And I get affected when they get affected, since we live together and their vibes sort of influence mine. I've been shut down for some time so that i don't get affected, apparently its not enough cause i have to step in when things get worse, and things did get worse.

I brought daddy to the clinic nearby. The trip made me realise a lot of things. Like information on the medicine, the dosage, the doctor my dad visit and the health issues my dad has. Which i have absolutely minimal knowledge on. Mama's always been the one to bring him to the doctor cause i was working and since it because a routine, I didn't volunteer to accompany them when i stopped working. And they both of them are a stubborn bunch. BOTH not listening to the doctors and to each other as well. And daddy always gets what he wants no matter how he gets it. If he doesn't want to eat the medicine, no one can make him. Which just worries mama more. But I'll talk about it later. Back to daddy. the doctor says that he can feel a swollen area in daddy's intestine, could be a growth. So the issue might range from inflammation to ulcers to (buddha forbids) tumor. But daddy's insisting on it being gastric meds and there's nothing the doc can do except prescribe gastric meds and a referral letter to do further checkups with scopes to really see what's inside. And i doubt daddy would want more visits to the doctors and get poked with instruments and stuff. I have no idea how to get him there and to do check up and that's the only way to make sure that daddy's fine. So now everyone is going to worry shitloads of stuff about him while he happily goes for his overseas trips with mama next week.

Which brings me to mama. She was already upset with granny and just got over it and then to worry about packing for the trip which she still is, and add on to daddy not feeling well she just gonna suffer. From worrying and not getting any sleep. But I can't call her to stop worrying isn't it? I cannot make daddy go for checkups just like i cannot stop mummy for worrying. And when she worries, she nags and get into bad moods. Which everyone will suffer from as well. It sucks that i'm worrying about mummy worrying about everything else. And the words she uses with granny and daddy just gets more unpleasant with the amount of worries she has and that'll mean more fights.

And then granny gets pulled in the picture. She's concern about daddy too, so she ask lots and lots of questions and keep on mentioning about it so that worries mama even more by coming up with what-if situations that helps no one except make us frustrated that we cannot make daddy go to the doctor for confirmations. It doesn't help the fact that I've been home more often and sees that she's deteriorating as well. She no longer understands things said in the tv drama or the news as her hearing is not as good as before and her understanding gets worse because she can no longer catch up with the long sentences said by people in the tv. But she still insisted on watching the tv because that is already her routine even if it meant falling asleep in front of the telly while trying to watch her favourite show. Having sis being at home to snatch tv with her is no good, cause granny's routing get disturbed as she can't understand what sis is watching and wants to watch her own shows but sis is annoyed when granny insisting on watching her shows and falls asleep after tuning into her channel.

And also mama and granny has to ask people EVERY SINGLE DAY if they are coming back for meals, and then worries about not preparing enough when they forget to ask about it. It doesn't get through their head when i tell them not to cook for these people if they forgot to mention if they are coming back, but bloody family traditional rules in their heads are that no one starves in the house even irresponsible assholes that don't bother to give warning before heading home for a free meal. And more people means more personal food preferences (Which changes every god damn time according to their moods) for every meal, and being moms, they have to cook each meal that everyone has something to eat.

Then down to money. School's starting soon and i have yet to find a job. And i've practically emptied my savings on things like dental and eye checkups. I need a flexible job so that i can have more time with my family and focus on my studies. I feel really bad when i'm not there or being able to do anything for my family, but sometimes i get reminded that the more effort i put in, the more things people expects me to do it. So i'm torn on both ends. I've got two extreme ends of train of thoughts and neither of them are pleasant. All i wanna do is to shut down and break down, but that serves no purpose and helps no one. And i'm so angry at myself for some of the thoughts that i have, although i cannot help but think that way sometimes...

Sometimes I wished that I didn't quit my job, but that would meant that i wouldn't have time to slack around and discover what i want to do and like to do. But then again, without money i won't be able to do anything so what's the point of planning ahead. There's so many possible roadblocks and unforeseen circumstances that can cripple me, so why do i even bother to think so much. To set myself up for disappointments...?

I know i should be grateful for so many things in life, but its hard when there's so many other things to think about. So many things i don't have and so many things i wished i had. And i'm not even talking about material things like gadgets or clothes and stuff. I'm thinking of simple things most people have, that i don't but I cannot grumble about it because i have so much more compared to others.

I'm tired.

Tired of crying,Tired of complaining,Tired of feeling sorry for myself.

All it matters is that I have food to eat, clothes to wear and a shelter over my roof right?

I should be grateful and everything, but I cannot bring myself to ignore the bad stuff. Stuff that I don’t feel qualified to be worrying about. 

I shouldn’t get angry with my dad for being a bad patient cause he’s sick of eating medicines and didn’t like doctor visits, or worried about my mum for being a chronic worrier that worries over everything, making herself sick and everyone around her angsty. I shouldn’t get annoyed with my grandma’s hundred and one questions because that’s the only way she knows how to show concern. I shouldn’t get upset that I have no one to share my troubles with because all my other family members have their own family troubles and that I know that they dotes me, even if they don’t always show it. I shouldn’t be grumbling about spending money on doctor and dental visits cause its necessary, even when I don’t have an income and it’s practically emptying my savings.

I hate the fact that all these things upset me, especially when there’s nothing I can do about it…

Some direction..

After last post I've been doing some thinking. like finally. Anyone would know I'm not the kind to make plans for future, but at least I have some clue on what i might wanna do in the future, if everything works out the way i wanted to. I might wanna further study after this degree, but the tuition fees might be a problem.

Getting a job is still on my list, though i've added a few other things on that list as well. I've gotten an interest in Introduction to Art Therapy course that will start in feb, but i'm not sure where i'll get money for the short course. There's also this urge to do volunteer, but i know that if i sign up for any volunteer work, my hours will be quite filled up and it will be even harder to find a job.


I want to fill my life with choices and not decisions, and also to be not afraid to try...

What do I do?

Not gonna update cause i haven't done anything much except for an awesome countdown with my friends. Fell sick for a few days too. But I'm coming in just to put some thoughts down.

I've been jobless for months and its kinda actually not too bad, just the lack of spending cash. But the freedom to do things i want to, watch drama , read books, head out whenever i feel like and learn things i want is good and i don't really mind not having any spending cash at hand. But i guess this is not a definitive plan.. I've currently been looking into what i wanna do and make plans for the future, but i'm in some sort of dilemma. There's a few path i would like to try out and i think the most impt one is finding a way for an income. I'm not looking for something with a big salary and i want my time to be flexible, but there's always pros and cons to the options. Kinda stuck right now.

Merry belated christmas..

Sorry for updating so late, been really busy.

Shall start with saturday since i cannot remember what i did on friday. Started the day by heading down to citysq to collect the cake and head home to prepare for the bbq while waiting for the peeps to head down. Don came first, followed by zj, hf and mich with last minute stuff from the ntuc. Jack and gf came later. This was the first time we started bbq so early, since most of them was already here. And the fire don and zj started was so huge i had to become the fire fighter of the night. Scalded my hands a few time from the steam, but i'm glad there's no blisters formed. Starting batch of food was slightly burnt due to the big fire, but no one was complaining. Hf and jo did most of the cooking, while don and jack cooked one batch of chicken wings which took them almost half an hour to get it done. Jack came late so ate before he helped and mostly just cooked prawns i think. After dinner we played three rounds of saboteur before heading into the house for cake cutting and giving of presents. We didn't exchange gifts this year due to budget constraint. Played some kinect and jack and gf had to leave. The rest of us finished up the drinks with some games and ended the night with a lengthy discussion about working.

Sunday was super boring cause there's nothing much to do at home. Went last minute xmas gift shopping with jo at vivocity on monday cause we just gotten notice that we'll do traditional gift exchange. Bought starbucks cause the both of us needed some caffeine in our body. Shopped for our gifts, and helped mama get her present for a friend's baby and also bought a dress i was looking for a while ago. After which we proceed to nex library to return and borrow more books. And then we decided to go to the bishan library cause the book i was looking for has no stock in nex and jo wanted a series of books that wasn't available there as well. We headed down to bishan, had some tako and helped sis to get her supplements before heading to the library to get the books we wanted then we head home for dinner.

Tueday was christmas eve and family is coming down for steamboat at night, so i met jo at citysq mall after her dental appt to get some last minute groceries from ntuc for that night's steamboat. Kids came in the afternoon and people start streaming in later on. Switched on the xbox for the kids to play and managed a few rounds before they go back to playing their electronic gadgets. I managed to get them to play charades for a little while too. Started the dinner early cause its steamboat and we have limited seats so we wanted to stagger the people eating at the same time. Took care of the kids food first before settling down on my own at the tom yum table. After dinner was snow spray session where i had a lot of fun spraying snow spray at the kids. Its actually fine bubbles so the effects was pretty and quite fun, unless you get caught at the end of the spraying nozzle like what i gotten from lucas. After the snow spray, the kids played with sparkles which wasn't of my interest so i came in. Yuan,ning and boy came so i watched them eat dinner. After their dinner we played with hair chalk and the kids were a whole head of green and red, the big kids played too but the effects was less christmassy and more like halloween. Had chrismas exchange once the clock strike twelve. Had a hard time telling them to wait till twelve cause it wasn't christmas yet. Hahahha. After that was more snow spray cause boy brought more to play. Then we headed to the playground for some chit chat till wz had to leave. The rest of us stayed while all the adults went home. I settled the kids in bed and then spent some time with the rest, before they head home.

Spent wed and thurs looking after the kids who stayed over for two days. Got woken up early in the morning by the kids and brought them upstairs to bring sis something. Woken jo up as well and spent some time in her room playing with her soft toys. Came down with jo and brought them with mama to citysq for lunch. Had pizzahut and went to ntuc to get some groceries before heading home. When we reached home, sis found out that ponyo was showing on tv so we got stuck to the tv for a while watching the entire show. I swear the storyline was ridiculous but the little boy and baby ponyo was so adorable to the max. Made the kids do some homework before letting them play kinect. After that was dinner and electronic gadgets time for them. Decided to let them watch a movie before bedtime so that they don't play their galaxy tab all night. Watched rise of the guardians and that's how my christmas day ended.

The next day was woken up early too without much choice. Made the kids eat breakfast and do more homework before allowing them to play their tab. Had lunch and planned to take them out to nex water playground for some running around. End up when we reached nex, it was raining heavily, so the park was closed. Spent some time at the library waiting for the rain to stop, and when it did stopped, we headed out to the park only to find the rain starting heavily again. End up bringing the kids to the cinema to check if there's any shows. Luckily Walking with dinosaurs was playing in forty minutes so we queued to get the tixs. After that jo wanted hot chocolate so we headed to starbucks while waiting for our show to start. Queuing and finding seats took so much time that we end up bringing the drinks into the theatre once we bought it. Had popcorn and drinks from starbucks, we headed into the cinema. Never expect that i'll pay to watch a dinosaur movie but it was pretty good for a movie with just animated  dinosaurs talking and simple plot with funny lines. After the movie the rain stopped so we went down to the park so that the kids can have some fun before bringing them home for dinner. Their parents came to have dinner and also to fetch them home so that's how the two days of my nanny duities ended.

Spent all day today home, reading my books and catching up some sleep with a really good nap despite the noise at lights at home in the afternoon.

Updates!

Its been more then two weeks since i came back from korea. Spent most of the time at home, either reading or using the computer. Not very keen to go out since i don't have money to spend, but i should really try to find another job so that i have an income and also a way to kill time other then staying at home.

Updates~

Went with mama to the opening of the Downtown line with the CC. Had goodie bags and also duties to welcome the GOH. We had lunch at Yan palace and i spent my afternoon roaming around again in the downtown line, walking and visiting more places on my own.

Sis was admitted into the hospital for a minor surgery. Had to go down and visit her in the hospital for two days. Hate that i have to do hospital duties, cause the hospital brings me lots of bad memories and it makes my skin crawl every time i have to stay in one for an extended  period of time. And also for obvious reasons such as visiting the hospital would meant someone is sick or hurt somewhere and it isn't a pleasant thought for me.

Trip to River Safari with mama and the cc again, this time with Jo for company. The overall trip was okay with a few hiccups here and there. Managed to look at many animals, my favourites are the red pandas, pandas, otters and the manatees. Stopped by the Panda cafe for some munchies, with a cute panda cappuccino. We end up having lunch at the market after the trip cause the food that was given was not to our taste.

Early Xmas dinner with Cuso6ex peeps, with boonie, lizah, priya and eddie. Had arabic food for the first time at Cafe le caire. Lots of fun and laughter with endless chit chats. Ended up at macdonalds after the dinner cause we couldn't find a cafe to hang. Did the gift exchange and head home. Priya was nice enough to send me home cause she drove and its on the way. I managed to give directions from golden landmark home with no Gps. And i finally gave priya her 21st birthday present.

Spent one full day traveling around singapore with Jo doing the things we wanna do. Started the day with a super heavy Ikea lunch, had a salmon, three chicken wings and soft drinks. Walked around ikea to look for some stuff and then head down to Nex to visit the library. After done with our returning and borrowing, we head down to the Cheesecake cafe, only to find it shut down. Not willing to go home empty handed after traveling for so long, we end up at Udders for waffles and ice cream.

Today was presents shopping day with huifang at bugis. Had a really great time shopping and spending money, buying things that are not going to be mine, with money spent that are not entirely my own as well. The both of us had a really hard time deciding the gifts and only settled after a lot of changes. I also head down to citysq to order cake for this saturday.

This saturday is my poly clique's bbq cum birthday celebrations. Had to trouble mama to prepare the food and hazel as well. Did help out a little here and there but there's not a lot that i can do. Let's hope sat's bbq will be smooth sailing and that the weather will be good!

Korea trip!

Not feeling very well yet, but i know if i put it off any longer i'll skip it all together.

Monday
Decided to catch hunger games before i fly, and spent the rest of the day packing. Had dinner at home and watch finish my pilot show before taking a cab down to the airport. Had a little panick attack when we couldn't manage to flag or call a cab and mama was nagging about how we head out late. We were actually early thanks to some miscom on the timing, but everyone else in the family was even earlier. What can i say, we are a kiasu family. Hhahahhaha. Had to hang around at the airport for quite some time before checking in. Mum did some cosmetic shopping and we went to the lounge to have some supper before boarding the plane. Watched White House Down on the plane and tried to watch a few others but not so interesting. Good to have Channing Tatum accompany me throughout the flight. Slept for less then an hour and the breakfast was omelette which wasn't very nice. Reached Incheon airport in the morning and had to take a bus to Gimpo airport to take transfer flight to Jeju island. Both airport has some weak wifi connections so i was able to report my safety to my family before heading on my journey.

First thing we did at Jeju Island is have their famous Ginseng Chicken soup with ginseng wine. We were to add noodles to the soup and dip the chicken meat with salt to season. I didn't like the noodles cause i left it inside for too long, was too soggy for my taste. And i added most of my wine into my soup after trying a few sip neat. The taste of the wine is really strong. After lunch was the Teddy Bear Museum which mainly consist of two levels full of stuffed toys. Bears, tigers, lions, pandas, rabbits, giraffe and lots other animals. There's miniature ones and really huge ones. There's one inflated one for the kids to jump on as well. The most expensive bear they have at that museum wore a real diamond tiara and it was said that there's another teddy bear museum that holds the most expensive teddy wearing a customised LV suit. The tour guide felt bad for making us wait at the Jeju airport cause his plane was delayed so he bought each of us one small teddy from the museum. Next was the Nanta show. Was quite funny and interesting with jokes and stuff without actually speaking, but some parts with the drums are a tad too long and makes it slightly boring. Dinner that night was sashimi dinner with a huge arrays of sashimi. Tried most of the fishes raw and some tasted really good while others too fishy and some with little bones i was afraid to eat. The others that don't take sashimi actually cooked them in the hotpot given. We retired to our hotel after the dinner as everyone is extremely tired because no one had a good rest on the plane.

Second day at Jeju is filled with activities. We started out with the Mysterious road where the road looks like a down slope but when you pour water it flows "upwards". The tour guide explains that the slope is actually an illusion caused by the things around it and it only appears to be down slop but in fact is an up slope. Next was to this building where we watched a 360deg 3D horror movie in one level, had ice sculptures in another and trick eye illusions museum in the third.  The horror movie was not very scary though some parts did freak me out. The effects was pretty good cause you feel surrounded with the screens all around you and the 3d glasses made the effects pop out of the screen. The ice sculptures museum was pretty fascinating, but really really cold. The trick eye museum was pretty interesting, but i couldn't take photos of myself in the illusions and only took them plainly. My sis did help me take a few though. Then came lunch which is black pork. Didn't find it very very delicious maybe cause of the seasoning its cooked in. After that was folk village which showed us some of the habits the original people living there had. Promoted their honey as well. Then was tangerine picking, which i picked three and only ate two cause the last one left for mummy but she forget to eat it. There was this really cute short Mongolian horse at the entrance of the tangerine farm. And the farm also had quite a few dogs. After tangerine picking, we had a chance to ride on horses and also ATV while the kids and elderly played karts. The horse riding journey was fun and we had control of the horses, though sometimes it's speed is up to their own liking or the command of the owners. ATV ride was not so thrilling cause the speed could have gone faster and it is tiring to hold on to the accelerator button which is operated by the thumb at the right handle. Our last stop for the day was to climb a dead volcano. It was a long long long trip up and damn tiring. The view on top was quite amazing and sure was windy. The trip down was long long long as well. And all the climbing and the coldness made my two cute nephews have rosy cheeks and red lips. Hahahha. Had grilled mackerels for dinner before heading back to the hotel to rest.

Third day and last day at Jeju island before flying back to seoul. Stopped by the dragon head rocks on the way to the airport. The rocks look like the head of a dragon with some imagination and the wind there was really big. Head down to airport and took a plane back to seoul. Had dumpling hotpot for lunch before embarking on a three hour bus ride up the snow mountains and to High One Hotel.  Watched the hotel's extravaganza show which is mainly dancing, acrobats and this really good electric violin and that ends our long day up the mountains.

Day four was all play and activities. Started the day with skiing introduction lessons, which we learn how to skii, stop, fall and climb up a slope. The hardest part is probably climbing up slopes with our skiis on, so we all took the shortcut to remove our skiis first and climb up the slope, wear the skiis and skii down. Hahhahaha. The kids also got to play with the sledge. It was really fun when you are skiing and playing around but if you stop and do nothing, you'll feel the cold air and freezing temperature around you.  After skiing was lunch, we had mushroom hotpot in the cold weather. Then came the gondola ride up the mountain to enjoy the scenery and also had a snowball fight cause the snow is much softer up there. The kids also managed to make snow angels in the 3ft deep snow. Our last activitiy up the snow mountains is the indoor water park. The water park has heated children's pool and a not so heated competitive pool. There's also wet and dry steam rooms to enjoy. There are also saunas(heated pools) at the respective gender's area where everyone is required to be in their birthday suit to enjoy the pools. The bathing area is also an open concept and i can say that they are really open about walking naked around strangers. The nice thing is that a lot of toiletries are provided on the female side, i'm not sure about the male's and we are provided lockers for our things and one separate one for our shoes. Our last stop for the day is shopping at Dongdaemum after dinner before heading back to the hotel to rest.

Fifth day was started with Korea traditional costume dressing and photo taking followed by kimchi making. Then was our trip to Everland. Had our lunch there on our own, realised that theres wifi in the restaurant so managed to chat a bit with jo. Didn't end up doing much at the theme park because of the limited time and lots of time were spent looking for people cause we split into groups for different activities. Managed to catch the christmas fantasy parade, had churros and popcorn and took a few kiddy rides with eden. Then we head back to the hotel to rest after dinner.

The last two days of the trip was spent mostly shopping, first to a old traditional house street where we took a lot of pictures, then was face shop and we did our own face. There's also ginseng shop and purple crystal stores and this liver supplement outlet. Then was seaweed factory and then lotte duty free shop. Had a chance to go to myeongdong for night market street walk.  Last day was spent visiting the Cheonggyecheon stream and also a traditional wet market. The order are all jumbled up cause i don't remember which one came first and there's no photos to remind me of the arrangements.

Had an enjoyable but tiring trip. Travelling to cold countries with kids and elderly is not an easy task. Need to carry so many things around with us on the trips in case the weather turn cold and need extra clothing. Packing and changing hotels every other day is also exhausting. But i'm glad for the experience and eye opening trip for me.

I'm sickkkkkkk.

I know I'm suppose to update about my Korea trip and stuff but I'm falling sick. Sore throat, flu and cough is all coming to find meeee...

I'll update on the details of the trip when I feel better, but till then, sorry peeps that are waiting for it.

Freeeeeeeeddddddooommmm!

Last paper on thursday and spent the entire Friday at USS  for the very last time before my student pass expires.

Woke up early and had a heavy lunch. Headed straight to sentosa via boardwalk. Once we entered USS we went to take a look at the schedule, and it happens that sesame street show is starting soon so we ran to the venue where the performance would be. After that is the rides and walking round the park as usual. Took the rides which the queues are not very long. Manage to catch the noon show for water works. And raced back to sesame street cause jovin wanted to catch it her favorite song as the earlier show didn't have it. After the show, we walked around to have lunch at Mel's drive in. I don't know if it's cause i'm too hungry, but the cheeseburger is so delicious i ordered another one. Was going to share one cause it looks huge and there's fries that comes along with every burger but got another one and finished it all up.  After that was leisure walking around waiting for the third sesame street show to start. Happen to chance upon oscar mascot doing photo taking, and jo was like shrieking a mile away when she saw oscar. Hahhahaha. Watched Rockafellas quite a few times today cause their timing is so close to the sesame street's and the venue is so close. After the final show, we head down to every of the main rides again and use our express pass. Took each major attraction ride one last time without having to queue. Started out with the transformers, which saved us a lot of time because the queue was quite long. Revenge of mummy's queue was super short, but we went ahead to use the pass since we don't have other chances to use it. Jurrasic park's queue seems quite short too. And the both of us got quite wet cause the water splashed on most of us. Shrek show was so repetitive that jovin can memorize some of the lines, same for the mummy ride and almost every other rides. Last major ride was the Madagascar crate ride.  After the final rides, we head down to the pantages to watch Monster Rock for the very last time. Same old songs, but i like the feeling of being in the theatre seeing people sing and dance. Its also the usual place we like to hide from the hot sun after walking under it for so long. When we left the theatre, the park had a different atmosphere cause the sun is setting, so we took our one last leisure walk round the park taking photos.


My last trip to USS, feeling nostalgic. Wish my pass would last forever. Hahaha. It's the closest thing to disneyland there is in singapore and every single time i enter the park, it kinda make me feel like i enter another world, a world i can spend an entire day not caring about anything else other then having fun. Plus my mum would always pass me some money every time i head out with jo, so spending money in the park was not too big of an issue. Each trip brought me new memories, and we're so happy that we don't mind taking the rides over and over again. So much that we can memorize the lines of the characters and laugh about it. Oh, and jo is the master of knowing where all the popping out of monsters and spraying of water will happen. And also the location of most of the camera for the rides so i have enough time to pose for the picture. Hahhaah. Though we didn't end up buying any of the photos cause its really expensive. Took lots and lots of photos inside with our cameras inside the park too. Probably had lots of repetitive photos from the different trips and lots of them have jo in it since she's my only available 'model'. Hhahaha. Bought myself a cookie monster cup cause we each had a retail voucher from RWS invites ( and also f&b voucher and the express pass). Jo bought the cookie monster pouch. We even gotten a souvenir bottle cause its much cheaper to get refills then to buy drinks in the park. Brought it back every time we went in. Cheapo me i knoww. Hahha.

My next target is to probably get the marine life aquarium pass, then i'll go inside the aquarium and camp there all dayyy. Though it won't be as interesting or fun as USS, but i guess it'll be a different experience all together...

Flying Korea tmr night and will only be back next week! Hope I'll have fun there and not freeze there. Quite worried cause i haven't been to cold countries in a long time and mama's not as strong as she used to be.

Very upset.

Managed to gather all my courage to ask my mum about the taiwan trip yesterday night and she said yes. I was so happy the entire night and was even looking for places to go in the internet. But just now she just called home and said my dad don't allow. I doubt its my dad's opinion, just that she changed her mind about it. Super disappointed, upset and angry.

I wouldn't have minded if she said no straight away yesterday cause i already made mental preparation that she would, but she didn't.. Made me so happy and then disappoint me.  Don't wanna talk about it anymore.

Upstairs studying...

Updates on my weekend.

Did little revision over the two days, spent time slacking a little. Packed for my Korea trip on Saturday night and spent Sunday with family watching kids play. Wasn't in the mood so i didn't join them in games and stuff.

Did revision all afternoon upstairs today. Distracted and grouchy, not very sure why.

I was also asked by a friend if i wanna join them for an overseas trip to Taiwan in Jan. Sorely tempted to, but afraid to ask my parents for fear or rejection and that its hard to find another one to accompany me, cause its easier to travel in fours. Talked to my sister about it just now, i guess that's all i need. Decided to ask my mum about it and accept the answer just as it is. Although i would regret not going, but at least i asked even if the answer is no, cause i would regret not asking at all even more.

TGIF

Friday, friday, gotta get down on friday
(The only line i know from the song, and i have no idea if i got it right or not. but idc. Hhahaha)


Third paper on thursday, furiously wrote for an hour and forty five minutes before leaving the hall. With that done, i'm more then half way through my exams! YAY!

Today was spent doing the stuff outside school work. I went to perm my hair!!

Bought this groupon quite some time ago, realized its expiring in two weeks so made appt to finally go do it. Found out that it is kind of a scam, cause the lady boss insisted on making me pay for treatment before she is willing to perm my hair, and i when i told her i only have twenty bucks, she said she give me special price of partial treatment. I have no idea if she really do or not. but i also don't care. Wasn't hoping much of the perm seeing the attitude and service of the place. Spent 80bucks on making my hair wavy and frizzy, haven't decide if i'm regretting it or not yet. But i think of it as an experience, and a change of hairstyle.

And i just read online that i'm not supposed to wash my hair 24hrs after the perm. And the salon lady never mentioned this point to me. Angsty me now.

Exams!

Exams started on Monday! First paper was my resit social psychology paper which i spent most of the two hours furiously writing all the way until the examiner told us to put our pens down. Yesterday's paper was not as good. I didn't have enough points to talk about and finished the paper half an hour before the time is up.

Need to start studying for my thursday paper, and then two more next week and i'm done!

Can't wait for next friday to come, made arrangements with jovin to head down to USS for the last time before our student pass expires. Then its my trip to korea with mama and second sis's family. Need all these motivation to study man. Jiayou!

Btw, my other uni friends are probably having exams period also so a small shout out to all to do well for their exams. All the best people!

Awesome weekend

Started the weekend off early on Friday, with some revision done in the afternoon and heading out to meet hf, zj and chris. Met at Kallang leisure park for dinner, had Nihon Mura before heading down to Kallang theatre for SDZ's dance concert Wave 18! The dance was pretty awesome and interesting parts that i never expected. They used Nutcracker as part of the storyline and added in bits and pieces of funny stuff along the way. The dance was not bad, seeing that the contemporary dances was pretty good at some parts with great moves and a little jive, jazz and ballet incorporated here and there. Breakdance was not too awesome, or that i couldn't appreciate and costumes was quite amazing. After the concert, they came down to my house cause there's no where else interesting to go without spending much and since i got to be home early, so they decided to come over to play cards. Everyone left my house at about 1am i think.

Woke up early to accompany my mum, grandma and godma to a wedding tea ceremony of my cousin. Spent most of the time in the room playing/watching baby Raye. Had lunch and head home. Was planning to take a short nap before resuming my revision, but ended up with a 4hour long nap. Woke up just in time to bathe and head out to the wedding dinner. Arrived at the venue pretty early, and found out that there's a candy bar at the reception. The kids was so happy to see it and so was i! Hahhaha. I want a candy bar at my wedding reception too! Food was pretty good and my dear cousin sang during the dinner, first to his wife with a korean song, and then his mother which i unfortunately missed as i was at the bathroom. Everyone was having teary eyes when i was back at my seat, due to the touching speech he gave. Went out with boy and yuan after the dinner to hang, drank and chitchat a little. Ended the night pretty early. Was suppose to head back to yuan's house to stay over cause i forgot my keys, but ended up at boy's house cause yuan needed the bathroom and my godma asked us to stay over. Bathe and slept at 3am. Woke up at about 10plus, had brunch and sat down to watch a hongkong drama series. Was suppose to head back at 2pm, but i got so glued to the show and that they end up purchasing the whole series that i ended up staying all the way till dinner time, which we were supposed to head out. Went to a japanese restaurant at Tripleone somerset that serves awesome food. Ordered a lot of food to share and every single dish is delicious. Quality of the food was high, but the price, unfortunately, is freaking high as well. Had a very good and heavy dinner before heading home to end my awesome weekend.

A short break away from the house and all the hiatus, its time i focus on my studies and prepare for my exams...

Updates.

From last sunday.

Morning was supposed to go swimming but i was too tired, so we skipped swimming. Went out with mama to run some errands after dropping granny at godma house. Probably cause i was too tired, the whole trip i didnt have the energy to placate my mum thus we kinda had a small fight. Head home to rest and bathe by myself to take a breather before heading back to godma's hse for dinner. Brought the kids down to the playground as usual, with catching and fights and crying happening. Was suppose to watch a movie with boy but we missed the timing.

Monday was spent meeting and accompanying yuan. Went to chinatown to sing K and then head down to longbar for some drinks. Was on-called home at 1am by my mum.

Wednesday I went to do some part time distributing job at NUS, just a few hours in the morning till early afternoon. Was pretty okay though the place is a little warm.

Thursday had revision lecture which i think is a total waste of time.

For the past few days, other then the stated activities, i did nothing but watch drama. Managed to finish one within four days. Cried and laugh and felt much better. Missed the times i watch drama all day long.

Staying at home now means more time with the people at home, and also finding that i do not have a place in the home. So many things been running through my mind over and over again, with problems i have no answer to except to accept them. Fights with my mum is on and off, cause seeing her more often means a lot of things. From hearing more of her nagging, to being instructed around the house like a maid to repeatedly asking me to pack my luggage for the Korea trip (in a month's time) and trying to control the things i do. Sleeping late and waking up late disrupts everyone's lifestyle in the house. And staying out late brings a lot of nagging and questions. Mum is literally driving me nuts.Can't go out, can't stay in. Her attitude also worsens (but gotta admit mine isn't better), and shouts at me, giving me unreasonable requests and when i raise my voice, she says i'm screaming at her. =.=

I swear i'll try to find work the minute i come back from Korea, but till then there's nothing i can do except to be more tolerant and accept what i cannot change. I need to catch-up on my revision too. Exams are next week, but i haven't been doing much cause i don't have the mood/place to study

Bad days

Sort of. Said a lot of things i shouldn't say, didn't say what i was suppose to say. Everything is in a mess right now, and i'm feeling pressure that's bursting out of my mind. I need to stop thinking about stuff, to accept things and to try and change things. But I feel so helpless, so lost. I'm not ready for all these. I'm in my twenties, but i feel forty in some part of my life, eighteen in another. Its getting so confused.

I'm so tired from breaking down due to pressure that my mum is giving me that she probably doesn't even know herself, or that she does but she just do not bother about.

I want to play, to have freedom, to do what i want to do. I don't expect these to come without a price, but the price that's being asked for is far far far too high for me to pay. But to do entirely without these things, it will drive me crazy.

Insanely tired.

Monday and Tuesday was spent trying to study upstairs and going for revision classes. Wednesday was arranged to go swimming with yuan but end up going alone. Had my new swimming cap and googles, so the swim is good. Did 12 laps. And in the middle of my swim, suddenly there's like many handsome and muscular guys came into the complex and start doing exercise in the medium pool. Those guys are so fit and hot, distracting. Hahhahaha.  Dinner at home with yuan joining us. Went to watch movie with yuan and csm out of the random cause she wanted to watch Escape plans. The movie was so so, cause i'm not a big fan of action movies and there's not much of a plot. Killing and fighting is not my cup of tea. Thursday had revision lecture and that's most of my boring week.

Yesterday was interesting. Made appt to have facial and after my facial I gotten a msg from hf asking if I want to join them for dinner at Outram. Had hot chocolate and Coffee Bean to kill time and to warm myself due to the super heavy rain. Head down to One-north to meet up with hf first, waited for her to end work and for zj to pick us up. He went to pick up fang on the way and then drove us to 49seats. Parked at chinatown and walked to the cafe. The place was quite ulu and the deco is quite pretty. Ordered pork chop and I find it too sweet. The side we ordered was fish bites and it was really nice. Really soft on the inside and crispy on the outside. Interestingly the restaurant did have 49 seats, so that's where the cafe name came from. In the middle of the dinner, hf asked if we were doing anything tmr morning and suggested cycling. Since I had nothing on, so we all said okay. After dinner, we wanted to go sing k but everywhere that's not very expensive is full, so we were stuck outside Chinatown's Koi not sure what to do. End up coming to my house to play Kinect. Played for about 1.5hours before they went home.

Woke up at 730 and head out at 815, I reached parkway parade way earlier then I intended to. Plus hf and zj was late, so I hang around parkway parade for a little while. First stop to the cold storage so that I could get mineral water as I forgot to bring my water bottle. Was busy looking for racks that has bottled water so I didn't see a little girl trying to cross my path. Tripped her and she started wailing out loud. Wouldn't stop even after I said sorry and walked away. Super embarrassing and also pretty apologetic. Grabbed two bottles and head to the cashier. Cause it only cost a few cents, so I decided to spend all my change. Took some time counting the coins and the cashier actually had the decency to tell me to give her a note to get change just because a caucasian just entered the queue behind me. It was early in the morning, so they open only one counter and the place was quite empty. I don't see that the person behind me is rushing also, so I don't see why I couldn't take a few seconds more to get the change out. Realized that the cashier is actually rushing me cause its a Caucasian customer behind me. I see other workers greeting them and none of them actually even said hi to me. I'm not sure if its because i just gotten bottled water or because of the nationality/race standard that they have, but it is not right for them to treat me that way because whatever different standard they have for different customers. Snobbish people. Bought a cup of peppermint mocha and sat down at Starbucks while waiting for zj, hf and chris to arrive. Met them at the bicycle rental to get bikes and we started our three hour bike ride. The heavy basket I have made it hard for me to control the direction when riding slow, so its hard to cycle slowly. Cycling in group is a bit hard cause I don't dare to cycle too close to them in case I lose control and swerve towards them. We rode really far out towards Changi direction but the weather was good most of the time. Had free ice cream after returning the bikes. Took some time to decide what to have for dinner, changed our minds a few times, had trouble finding parking lots and we ended up at Fat Boy's for lunch! Ordered a few mains to share and milkshakes, so its super fulling. Head home just when it started to rain, so its just in time. Super tired ever since I reached home so I'm gonna head to bed early.

Tmr's plan is to swim and then head to my Godma house for lunch/dinner!

Home away from home.

I kinda need a new home. Home away from home. Somewhere that I can be comfortable, where I can sleep, do my stuff and not feel intrusive. A small place to call my own. Many things I can't say because saying them will lead to nasty thoughts and unfair thoughts which I can do nothing to make them right, except for keeping it to myself and giving up my rights so that others can have theirs. Must be contented with what I have and what I choose to have, cause it'll be the only things that are truly mine.


Kay, enough of my psychobabble stuff. Short update on my weekend.

Spent all Saturday morning and afternoon at home slacking, before rushing off to Citysq to collect dad's birthday cake. Had a family dinner at a thai sharks-fin restaurant, celebrated my dad's birthday. Had the usual good food and cake cutting. Sunday was busy busy. Woke up early and had breakfast with mama, accompanied her to Mt Alvernia to visit one of my uncles who had an op on his leg. After that we headed down to Plaza sing to have crystal jade lunch with granny and sis. Shopped a bit to get the stuff mama wanted and head home to rest. There's the annual vegetarian dinner and that's how my weekend went.

Wanted to sleep early and wake up early today to jump start my revision week. But couldn't fall asleep last night cause of the mocha I drank in the afternoon so I slept in this morning. I'm currently upstairs in my room. Stuck here hungry, cold and alone, with only my laptop for company. And I have a revision lecture to attend tonight. Rain rain, go away. Come again another day, little me needs to go to schoooooooool.

Updates!

Updating following what's going on in my life.

Accompanied mother to see the doctor early Wednesday morning. Woke up at wee hours after 3.5hrs of sleep cause i woke up too late the day before so i couldn't fall asleep that night, only managed to sleep at 3am and gotta wake up 6.30am. Trip to the doc was boring and brought mama to tiong bahru market after the appt. Had lunch and head home to slack/sleep the day off.

Thursday was a happening day. Woke up late and had to rush rush rush everywhere. Cramps happens to join in the fun too. Head down to Citysq mall to order daddy's birthday cake for saturday and then down to SGH for my eyes followup. After that i had to travel down to blk 4 pharmacy to get mummy's med for her, which was a really long wait cause of some hiccups from their side. It was about 4 when i managed to buy the meds so i head down to Jurong point, and found myself really early for meeting up with the rest. Hf came early and we went to get the cake and some stuff from NTUC before heading down to NTU. Waiting at the student lounge for people to arrive and we called zj out of his room for his surprise party. He was so blur when he entered the room. Sang birthday song, cut cake and everyone started eating. Managed to watch my 9pm show on TV. Visited the boys room before heading home with the long arduous mrt train journey home. Left the place early with mich and sher cause mich wanted to take a cab and drop me off, plus i wanted to be home early cause mama's been nagging at be for being home late. Ended up they took bus to the interchange instead of cabbing straight from ntu, so i took train home myself instead.

Today i didn't do anything at home in the afternoon other then napping and slacking. Attending a conflict management talk at SP for the alumnus in the evening. The talk was quite interesting and very helpful. Got myself a pair of tickets to SDZ's dance on 8 nov. Planning to sell the tickets if anyone is interested, since i'm running low on cash as i no longer have an income but expenses are still occurring and unexpected bills keep popping up. I had to fork out money for an initial payment for an insurance premium and also the eye followup which added up cost me about 400bucks. Daddy's birthday dinner is tmr and i'm not sure how much i can chip in, since i'm pretty much broke right now. If no one buys the ticket, then i shall find someone to watch the dance concert with me..

FIRST TRIP TO THE NIGHT SAFARI!

Getting the habit to blog again for me is a little hard to pick up back. I'm not really doing much lately and I'm afraid what I say will bore you guys out. But I guess I have to start somewhere, just like the plans I have to make for myself, for my future. Baby steps, baby steps.


Just some updates since the last time I posted in March.

- Shanyou concert / Resonation performance

This round of performance was quite bearable compared to the first, maybe because I know what to expect and is more used to the routine they have. New teammates this time, more efforts and learnt a bit more then the last time as the performance was not just singing together, but with personal parts, sign language/dance steps and also learning how to handle the wireless mic. It's an experience, nevertheless and I'm glad that I have such opportunities to sing to a thousand seater theatre.

- USS student pass

I bought the USS student pass that is worth 88bucks. It last for six months till nov and so far I used the pass three or four times. Twice was with Jovin, who bought the pass with me. The first trip was more for the rides as we took all the rides and the second was for leisure. We wore pretty clothes and took lots of pictures. I hope that I get more chances to go in before the pass ends but its only fun if I can find people to go in with me..

- Lasik

I did Lasik! Or rather, something similar to Lasik but slightly more expensive and better recovery rate then Lasik. I had dry eyes and blurry vision at times after the op, but everything is much better now now. Its so much more convenient to go swimming and stuff now that I can do without my spectacles. I can wear pretty sunglasses too!

- Headphones

I've also gotten headphones, something I've been trying to get for sometime. Half of the cost is a belated birthday gift from a friend, so I only have to come up with half the cost. The headphones are pretty and I chose cream color so its rather unique.

- THAT I AM NOW JOBLESS

Not a very big thing actually, except that I finally quit. Or rather, they are willing to let me go. I gave notice since march to quit in may, but they couldn't find any replacement and one thing led to another, I stayed on. Did end up working part-time, about three days a week at my choice, so its not too bad. Now that I'm no longer working, I'm slightly lost and a lot more free.


Haha, that's about it. Kinda concluded the major events of 6 months. Back to current affairs.

Been busy with assignments and quizzes last week, so there's nothing that I did other then stay home and face the laptop. Saturday I went swimming on my own, rushed to school after that and headed down to centrepoint to help mama get laksa paste for sunday.

Sunday was spent helping out at home while waiting for people to come in. Celebrated Eden's birthday at home with lots of good food and family as usual. Played mahjong in the afternoon, lost a few bucks.  Dinner was sumptuous and we had fruit tart from fruit paradise as cake for the first time. Something different from the usual ice cream cake.

Monday's plans was messed up cause of an invitation to the night safari. Spent morning going to citysq mall to get some things and afternoon doing up xy's present. End up playing xbox for a while so was late in meeting yuan. Had dinner at Amk before headind down,being an hour late at the Night Safari with xy and hq waiting.

Had special treatment at the safari cause we have a birthday girl with us. The people working will wish xy happy birthday cause she wore a "Wild Birthday" badge on her dress given by them. Watched the show with reserved seats just for us, took the tram and walked the whole park. I saw many pretty animals, but mostly many different types of deers.The place was pretty warm and walking so far is really tiring. And I had problems seeing things in the dark, so the entire night I was like "Where?" and "See what?" throughout the trip. Did see everything, just not sparkling clearly. And I will have difficulty spotting animals if they are hidden in the shadows or when they are stationary, so I end up asking them to "move for me". Hahahahha. The entire trip was fun and funny, seeing that its our first trip to the Night safari for most of us. All of us except hq have never been to the safari before. Took the shuttle bus to town and headed down to bk for food and drinks. End up getting stuck there cause of the huge rain and only head home at 4am.

Spent all day packing up my cupboard today, which was suppose to be done yesterday. Got to accompany my mum to the doctor's tmr morning and got some shopping and errand to do I think. I still have not finish with my packing. Ohwell.

Need to go to bed or I wont be able to wake up on time tmr. See ya guys soon. Good night.

Hi guys!

I know I haven't posted anything since March, and that I wasn't actually planning to do so anymore. But things have changed a bit in my life right now and I have more time at hand so I would rather have somewhere to record things that I've done and also to pick up the habit of diary writing. Was intending to start a written diary with a notebook, but then again my handwriting is so terrible I cringe every time I see myself write, so blogging seems like a less painful experience. I'm planning to start learn some things as well, so this would be a journal of my learning process of sorts. So stick around! (If you haven't been doing so) For the stats that I see for the past months of me not updating and you still coming back to check my blog, I salute you. Hhahahahaha

Btw, just to let me know who's actually reading this (If you don't mind letting me know)
I'd like advice if I should perm or rebond my hair, bought this groupon online and it has two options. Do let me know what you think, and also an excuse for you to chat with me. Fb msg, whatsapp, skype, sms me!

Too many bad news recently,

so i didn't really have the heart to do any updating that wouldn't end up depressing the entire blog. I'm starting to feel really saddened by the things around me, so i thought it'll be a good time to pour them out here, along with happy things that i can think of.

A few weeks ago, my godfather was diagnosed with heart disease. All four of his main arteries are clogged up badly, so he was suppose to go for some minor surgical procedures to expand/widen them. But only to find out that it is more then 80% blocked, therefore must do a bypass heart operation. The operation is a huge one, involving lots of skills and risks, but must be done in order for my godpa to have a normal life. It was supposed to be scheduled in a month's time, but was being brought forward when there was an empty slot at the operation theatre. The operation was done last week, I'm happy to say that it was a success and my godfather is now recovering well at home. But when i visited him at the hospital last week, i was disheartened to see him lying down in the bed looking very weak and in pain. This was the first time i see my godpa sick and ill. Because i don't live with him or see him often,  the times when i do he's always jolly and happy. It pains me to see him in that state and dawned me that a person's health is so ever fragile. Anyone can be all well for one minute and the next in total different state. It reminded me badly of what happened the last time when my dad was hospitalised. It is scary when you see a fully functional person suddenly becomes weak and helpless, and everyone around him getting really stressed out because of it. My godma fell ill at this period of time and i saw how stressed up my godsis was and she broke down in the office. It kinda felt like when my dad had the stroke all over again, only this time reflected on someone else.

I've also accidentally chanced upon two other persons who was going to have (minor)operations soon, but they didn't inform me about it. I was sad that they couldn't share this personally and i had to find out about it myself, but then again i was more worried then sad. I hope that their ops will turn out fine and that they will recover well and everything. Dreadful to know about people going through such things over and over again, this month is getting pretty depressing.


On a happier note, updates on things I've done recently.

I went shopping with yuan last week~! Bought like three tops and a dress at ION orchard, shopped from Topshop, forever21 and H&M. Super splurging day for me. Hehehe. Had subway for dinner and drinks at an Irish pub to end the night with some chit chat as usual.

Started my morning exercise regimen only to sprain my ankle and have it halted~ ==.===
Picked up the habit to do some small exercises in the morning before going to work, but during like the 4th day, i tripped at the side walk while jogging outside my house and sprained my ankle. Ohwell

First time having such a bad sprain that it hurt when i walked. So the first two days was hell at work for me, with the stairs and the walking distance between my home-mrt-busstop-office and between the office and the washroom. Luckily for me, it was close to the end of the week and i could rest my feet at home during the weekend.

Or not...

Was planning to go sing k with some of my girls on Saturday  but was cancelled last minute, so i ended up going for SOMA's open house. Attended some pop vocal workshop and enquired about the prices, was pretty tempted to sign up since it was not really expensive and there was a twenty percent for open house. But because i have so much at hand, i stopped myself for signing up. :(

Spent my Sunday all day home doing stuff since i had the chance of being alone in the rarely peaceful house. Had instant noodles for lunch and headed to citysq for dinner at Javier's.

One really really scary thing that happened ( i still shudders whenever i think about it), was that i actually forgotten to turn off the stove after cooking my instant noodles for lunch. I totally didn't recall not switching it off and even left the house for dinner. It was only switched off when my sis was home(slightly after i left the house) and i only knew about it after dinner when i reached home. I was pretty much in a shock for a little while when i knew about it due to the fact that i totally didn't remember not switching it off. The stove was left on since like 3pm till 7pm and i was home all the time till 6plus. Things could have caught fire and i cannot imagine what would have happen. Thing could have caught fire when i was home, and i could have been killed, along with the fact that i would have burned down the house with me, or that it could happen while i was out, and i could have returned home to a pile of ashes. I was so freaked out by the possibilities that might have happened that  I've probably made up my mind at the end of the night that i wouldn't cook when I'm alone in the house ever again.

I was pretty lucky that my mum didn't get the wind of this, or i would have gotten hell from her. And endless of nagging afterwards. I'm already freaking myself out over this, don't need extra stress from her.

I've been busy with work, school and sbm. Nothing much else is planned this month. Plans to meet my poly peeps this weekend. The only thing i get to look forward to this month, other then the shopping trip with yuan. Oh! And iceskating plans with yuan next week, hope my ankle is fully recovered by thennn. >.<


This is the saddest March i've ever had so far. :(

That's all for the updates~

Things running through my mind

That i don't know how to say it or express it. Concerns that can never reach the people i meant to give, and solutions i never have for those that needs it. Its just depressing to hear one bad new after another. It may not be as bad as how i'm feeling right now, but all i'm wishing is for people around me to be happy and healthy. Not asking for anything more. Sometimes i wish that i can literally empty my mind of thoughts and emotions, maybe then i'll live a more carefree life.

Haven't updated for about a month!

There wasn't much to update about. So i didn't think of coming in to post anything. But here i ammm!

After the CNY period, i've been busy with nothing else other then school and Sbm. Assignments and trainings practically drove me crazy for quite some time. Other then that, the highlight would be my day out with my sister last sundayyy!

A few weeks ago, my sis saw this DBS package at the RWS website and wanted to go to the Incanto show, but my bro-in-law didn't want to so she was asking around. The package is inclusive of one S.E.A Aquarium day pass, a Cat3 Incanto ticket, a set meal at one of the restaurant in rws and a 25dollars rws cash voucher. I saw the package and thought that it was pretty worth it and interesting so i told her i would go with her.

Sunday morning i was so excited i woke up early, so i headed to city square with mummy to have breakfast and do some grocery shopping. Head home and waited for my sis to come before heading down to vivo then to sentosa. Headed to the S.E.A Aquarium first thing and luckily we caught the crowd heading out for lunch so it was not super crowded. Walked around inside for 2hours? Saw lots of different marine life. Didn't get to try the touch pool cause there was too many people around it. Some of the aquariums were huge and i saw huge manta rays and many many sharks. Super pretty jellyfishes too. Just too bad i didn't get to see dolphins or sea turtles.

Had a late lunch at Aston's before walking around a bit while waiting for our show to start. We manage to cover all the hotels and looked at some shops. Show starts at 4 and ends around 530. Shopped a bit more before heading down to the restaurant for the set meal in the package. Had some trouble finding place to spend the 25dollars voucher at first, but sis decided to combine our voucher and bought me a bracelet at one of the stores. Then we were very tired and left rws to head home. Stopped at vivocity and had ice cream then took the train home. I was super tired cause we walked the entire day.

That's how my awesome day went. First time hanging out all day with my sister. Super nice. Missed the times when i was younger and she used to bring me out all the time. Had such a great time with her..

Friday/weekend updates!

Continuing from where i updated the last time. 

After half day of work in the office (Slack and take ang bao!), we all headed down to Orchard Mandarin Hotel for company lunch. The food was not very fantastic and we finished the meal rather quickly. Because it ended early, I decided to catch the movie Beautiful Creature at Cine before heading home for a nap cause there was school at night. But when the movie ended, it was raining so heavily so i walked around cine for awhile, hoping for the rain to get small cause i forgot to bring my umbrella. Seeing that the rain didn't get any smaller, i bought a brolly from  7eleven and headed to 313 to get dinner before heading straight down to school. 

Left class early because it was a replacement teacher who finished the slides within 45 mins and is starting to show us videos and do discussions. Headed home so that i can go to bed early, but i switched on the laptop and used it till 2 am.

And overslept for my class the next morning.Skipped the make up class and went straight down to smu for meeting with my viva girls to practise for Shanyou's concert. Alvin and yinghui came down later on and we did some housekeeping. Then i headed back home for dinner as promised. Phone call from jack to let me know that they were playing to go to don's hse for mj and meet up, so i decided to head down after dinner at home. Turns out that don had something on and is leaving the house at 12, so i was hesitant to go since i was home and bathed and the travelling time made me almost changed my mind. But zj and hf called saying location was changed to zj's house so that we can stay longer, so i was persuaded to go. Searched for directions and decided to go down the same way as to don's house. Reached Kovan and had phone calls from don who's offering to fetch me. After many calls and a short walk a bus stop away, don picked me up and drove me to zj's house. Gambling and lost some money, realized that i still owe jack and yl money, so when i returned them and after losing money at the table, i found out that i didn't have enough cash for me to head home. I was sharing cab with jack/yl so i thought i pay some and return them another day, but jack was nice and refuse to take my money. So i got a ride home as well. Reached home at around 1 am plus and slept the minute i reach home. 

Sunday was spent at home doing nothing, cause i had a feeling my period's coming and had cramps. Took a short nap and kids started streaming in for dinner. Had dinner and played with kaiwen's tablet for a bit before the kids had to  head home. Stayed up to help mummy with her pray pray stuff while watching Arthur on HBO. Slept at 2 am.

Woke  up this morning to my ungrateful mother nagging at me saying that i couldn't wake up because i stayed up watching tv last night. I stayed up to help you okay? Spoil my mood in the morninggg. --.--

Updates

for my long long lunar new year break!

I stop updating since last month, and i don't recall anything important worth updating, therefore i shall just go ahead with my cny stuffs. ( pretty long post, so be warned)

First of all. A HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR TO ALL MY CHINESE FRIENDS WHO ARE READING THIS POST! Hope you enjoyed all the house visitings, ang baos and new year goodies for the past few days. I sure do, cause my throat is feeling kinda sore right now. hahahhaha.

Starting with the eve, which was spent cutting my hair first thing in the morning cause my fringe is getting too long and i want it short for the new year. Did some grocery shopping with mum before heading home and slack the rest of the day till the mini reunion dinner. The actual reunion dinner for my family was held one week earlier cause my sis needs to be home for her reunion on the exact day. So we had our own mini one again , where mummy cooked a pot filled with goodies that we chinese calls it pen cai (Literally meant a pot of veggies but it was filled with lots of other things as well.). Me and mummy went with my cousins to visit the florist to take a look at the flower market and also to mbs for the firework display. Heading home to meet up with my sis to go pray pray but i decided to skip it this year cause they were heading out early to pray so that they can sleep early, but going early would meant that it would be super crowded so i stayed home. Did flower arrangement for the white and purple tulips i bought at the florist and also painted my nails while waiting for my mum to be back. They bought macs back for me so my supper was fattening. haha. Slept around 3-4am.

CHU YI, which is the first day of the lunar year, i woke up at like 9? Bai Nian-ed to all the elderlys at home and waited for guests to stream in to visit my granny. Spent the day chatting, eating and playing with the kids.

Chu er, had my usual house visit to my grandfather' brother's house in the morning where we played with all the massagers and health machines they have at  home. There was lou hei and super yummy red  bean soup cooked by them. Went home after that to take a nap and then headed down to city square to celebrate my dear godbrother's belated 21st at momiji.  Then some of us went to sing karaoke together and we stayed out till 4am. Reached home and slept at 5.

Chu San at my cousin's house, but i visited my dad's brother's before going down to my cousin's house. Spent the day teaching and watching the kids do their school work cause school's starting the next day for them. Chatted with yuan and ning before heading home. Slept at 12?

Chu si afternoon went shopping with mummy at city square mall before heading down to wen hui jiejie's house. Played cards for the first time and didnt win/lose any money. Went clubbing with yuan afterwards and surprisingly my godbro joined us. Had too much a drink so we ended the night early.

Chu wu was spent slacking all day at yuan's house. Eating and eating and eating, oh and played walking dead on ning's phone. Played cards at night, won a bit of money. Headed home as soon as i can hitch a ride cause i was super tired already.

Chu liu, which is today. Woke up early to head to the office and here i am, waiting for everyone to arrive so that we can head out for company's lunch and i shall go home to take a nap before heading for class tonight.

And that's how my lunar new year break went.

How's yours?

I'm so angry with the world...

and i don't know why.

New spectacles...

That tires my eyes out a lot. I'm hoping its just a transitional period from my old specs and will get used to it and feel better. Mehhh

Quick update

on my eventful sunday. Hahaha

School's starting tmr and i'm having work being piled up into the office right now, so i'm coming in to blog despite being very tired (while waiting for my hair to dry), so i shall update my weekend now.


Saturday. I had work, cause my relatives all went to Melaka for a short trip, i had to man the office alone. (see i sacrifice so big, i deserves a pay rise, right?) And was late for the training cause i couldn't leave much earlier then i would have if someone else was in the office. Bus-ed down to sbm late, yet i wasn't the latest. Had training with the girls, and did puja and meditation before leaving the temple. Had a super late lunch at city square and spent the rest of the day at home accompanying my grandma and dad. Watched movies online till 2am

Sunday, which was today. Was woken up by some crazy fella accidentally at 7am and tried my hardest to fall back asleep. Slept till my alarm rang. Plans for the day was to stay out all day, since i don't want to be at  home for some reasons that i cannot state here, so i remembered that there was a art event going on today so i decided to go for it alone. Had breakfast at home and took my time to head out.

Left the house at 12pm and headed down to marina bay for OH! Open house event where there is a tour around marina bay bringing us to location where artists display their exhibits. I went through a few of the exhibits that were quite interesting and thought evoking, others not so much. I can't really pick a favorite one of so many that i saw, so i shall just leave it with mentioning that the tour is pretty good. The tour took roughly two hours (started at around 1pm), so it was 3plus when it all ended.

Had a super late lunch at soup spoon and decided to walk to marina bay sands since i had all day to kill. When i reached mbs, i wasn't in a shopping mood so i went to the art-science museum to see what is on show. It happens that The Art of Brick was still on, and there was another photography exhibit Outside In showing, so i bought tickets to both events and spent the next few hours in the museum.

The Art of Brick was pretty cool, seeing that large interesting sculptures were created purely out of Lego and there were a few that were relating/expressing humans thoughts and emotions that were quite vividly put across. And the artist managed to use lego to create two dimensional portraits just by playing with the lighting and colors of a face. There were also one particular exhibit that was showing raindrops that was sort of 2d, yet 3d at the same time. My favorite art piece in this show was a corner that had a high chair with color platte on it, a small side table with fruits on and also a painted canvas on stand. The most interested thing about this piece is not only that it is entirely made out of lego (duh!) the usage (playing) of colors showing everything in black/white tones while the painting of the the fruits on the table in the canvas is colored  The artist's views for the piece was as follows : " Where does the real world end and the artist's world begin? Sometimes when i'm working, it can feel like the truth lies in the works itself, and my surrounding fade away to grey" Pretty interesting, don't you think?

Outside In was a showcase about photography and also displayed photos from artists that came from the group Magnum ( not the ice cream of course) The photos were pretty well taken and i like some of the landscape and portraits but there was an artist that specializes in black/white photography that took pictures that spooks me. Other then the fact that i was pretty much alone in the exhibition hall, i guess i'm kinda freaked out a bit.

Walked a bit more in mbs before settling down at TCC for dinner. After which i'm totally exhausted and headed back home where i am right now. Shall head to bed soon. Tmr's first day of school!
Totally not looking forward to it though, since i'll be having seminar till 10. I'm gonna be home only by 11 and i guess i'll be sleeping around 12am tmr. So i need all the sleep i can get, right now...