2015 started out pretty badly; I remembered I wasn't getting used to year 2 especially so when Elissa isn't around. But it also marked the friendships I've gained. Elyssa and Hillary.

 

And Jiayi came down to London to visit me. I remembered how comforting it was, to have a familiar face in London. How awesome possum it was when she cooked for me (thank you muchies) and how she packed my kitchen for me hehe 

Not to forget the amazing sunsets I've seen from my window. 3 more months of enjoying this sight. It's something I'll remember London for. Probably the top favourite thing I'll miss London for (not that I would really miss anything else much, maybe the freedom?)

And not going back in April was such a torment for me. I was beyond stressed, pimples outbreak, hair loss, white hair. You name it, I got it. I remembered breaking down in tears because I couldn't understand my modules, and even being jolted up from sleep couple of times in a night because I was so scared of exams. Thankfully aunt came in the entire month of May just to take care of me. For that I'm eternally grateful, I'm sorry that she didn't get to enjoy her holidays as it was supposed to be. 

As the years pass by, it's easier to narrow down the huge pool of friends to some core ones. Now that may sound really mean, but it's true. I've come to realised that some friends were friends of convenience. It was because we were attending the same school together or whatever it was. I think in 2015 I've slowly let go of friendships. In a way that I'm no longer deeply affected by the loss of friendships or whatsoever. I no longer cry over them, I no longer ponder about them. I just tell myself that I am glad that they have appeared in my life and have changed my life in ways I might never notice but not everything lasts forever. Friends come and go, it's part and parcel of life. It's all well :) 

I had my first ever internship. I remembered getting the internship offer, I was so happy and thankful. Although y2 like me were supposed to have at least 3-4 internships under their belts, and I only have 1? I'm super glad still. I've learnt so much, research skills, some soft skills and all. I've also learnt that maybe I'm capable enough to be a good lawyer. I've learnt not to doubt myself forever. Although I have not secured a training contract now and my future is so uncertain and unclear, this internship has given me a taste of life of lawyers and I'm glad that I've fully enjoyed it. So maybe after all, I'll be fine; I just need to strive harder for opportunities. Step out of your comfort zone Cheryl, be courageous, fight for your opportunities. I'll be fine. All these studying won't go to waste. 

September was awesome because it felt so good to have my sister beside me for almost a month in London. Those memories, even though I know I will forget the exact details soon, I know I will definitely remember the feelings throughout this one month. Definitely thankful for my sister, a really strong pillar of support for me. Oh oh! We watched two amazing musicals too hehehe - Les Mis and Phantom of the Opera. Two classics too. Amazing beyond words

Last year of school. I'm surviving. But I'm going to start fighting (btw I realised I'm wearing the same dress in a lot of the photos in this post hehe) 

Every time I feel like giving up, I remember the many years of disappointment I've brought to them. I try to push on further but not understanding the textbook or the words I'm reading just makes it harder. 

Just so doubtful if I can get it this time. I just wish sometimes I am smarter and better than what I can give. When your best isn't enough, what can you do? 

I am also so homesick, missing the warmth and care and concern. Here it is cold literally and non. But it's all because of my nonsensical doing which resulted in me being here. I have none to blame except for myself. I have all to show my worth, making their efforts and care worth it. 

I just wish, wish to be sufficient and enough for once. I wish to get this so badly. 

Maybe those were the answers I were looking for. 

Expendable and unnecessary. 

It's okay. I will walk on. 

It's funny how when you scold me, you'll always say I'm becoming like someone, or that I'm learning from someone, and that someone will be whoever you're unhappy with right now. No, to you, I'm not Cheryl, I'm not your daughter, but just a combination of all the awful traits you dislike. 

I know I am not a good person, but when you're always surrounded with people who don't see any, not even a tiny goodness in you, you somehow lose hope, lose hope of ever becoming better. 

Yes I cry easily, but I'm only 20, and to have both your parents outrightly telling you that you're everything bad and so expendable that they wish you're just far away, I think it's normal to cry. 

I give up. You say I will be alone in my misery when I grow old if I continue being like this. Maybe it know why. It's because everytime I'm in a group, somehow I will spoil the mood or somehow I will not say the right things or whatsoever. Maybe I've learnt to isolate myself, learnt to keep things to myself, only then will I not interfere, only then will I not be a horrible person

It stings to have both to tell you "我不稀罕" and all I could think is how little they think of me to even say that. All the more confirms the theory above. I would say sorry but it will not be enough to cover the so many occasions where I could just prove otherwise but never did. I would try to change but it will be pointless, I've had 20 years to do so and I couldn't; it's true when people say there's just some characteristics you're born with and will never be rid of. 

Instead, I chose my way of dealing, I chose sleep, I chose escapism. Idk but somehow sleeping allows me to wake with more hope in the world, sleeping allows me to forget all the worries and troubles albeit it being such a superficial and coward move. But I have no idea what to do otherwise anymore. 

I used to cry, to hurt or even to be angry at those words and tonight I saw my calmness. Maybe I knew it all along that I wasn't good enough at all, am not, and never will be. Maybe I got tired of emotions controlling me. Maybe I got used to these words. Or probably I knew that they were the truth. And me not reacting, further proves the point. The truth hurts more than lies sometimes. Life got tired of lying to me and vice versa. I can't change me. You can't change me. So all I could do is to wish the impossible - I wish you had a different and better person to have as a daughter; no one should have to deal with me.