She's A Butterfly....

Happy Halloween!! Miss Makayla had a blast eating WAY too many M&M's, and playing with her cousins. I didn't take her OUT for trick or treating because the weather was HORRIBLE!! Nonetheless, she was super cute with the trick or treaters that came to my sisters door, by putting candy in their bags, and attempting to do tricks for them in her butterfly costume! She thinks she is the bomb in it, and was twirling around all night long!!

Keep Swimming...

Sometimes I think that life will get easier...HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I'm not complaining, I'm just speaking the truth, maybe it's that I WISH life would get easier. I'm not talking about the divorce, or being on my own, just LIFE. There is always something isn't there? From being sick, to being behind on bills, to a flat tire, to a broken down car all together. LIFE...BUT...Then I take a minute and breathe, and sit down on the floor with my daughter, and it all seems okay. Children are little miracles. My Makayla is doing so many new and crazy things. Last week I was vacuuming, I realized I didn't know where she was, and I shut off the vacuum and called for her. I looked and looked. Then I looked down the stairs, where the front door was open, and she wasn't in sight. I bolted down the stairs, and ran outside, where she was, in the street, in the rain, laughing. Seriously? HEART ATTACK!! Needless to say I am a freak about locking the door these days. Makayla will do anything with shoes, and "pretties". She LOVES to play with my jewelry, and her bows. She LOVES her little tent in her room and hides out in there quite a bit with her shoes. Makayla is truly a ham and will do anything for attention. She still loves music, and loves to dance her heart out! I have one girlie girl on my hands! It's her, these little things, that keep me going. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to give up. But she is my driving force. I am determined to be that mom that makes it. Hopefully one that she will look up to.
As far as the whole dating single life, as I am sure you all wonder what it must be like. As you would think, it sucks. There has been more heart ache, more sad days, more times I've wanted to punch yet another man in the face. HARD. BUT...I KNOW that one day, I will find it again. It will happen and it will be amazing. I always tell myself, it's better to put myself out there again and try than to be alone for the rest of my life. Breaks are good here and there as well!
All in all, I would say that my life is going well. It amazes me that I am STILL trying to find that balance, that normalcy that I crave so much. It will come, and I know that time is all I need. Until then, I can't help but think of Dori. JUST KEEP SWIMMING...

SMIDGIE MIRACLES

Wow it's been a while my peeps!! So much has happened and continues to happen all in this first year without Superman. Interesting, different, ups and downs. A LOT of downs...However, if there is one constant in this life, it is my beautiful church, family, friends, and neighbors who lift me up. Ultimately, it is MY decision to be the best me, and man can that be a challenge!! My testimony continues to grow even though sometimes I continue to be kicked right in the kidneys as I am down, the little miracles that follow are just precious life saving amazing things that keep me going. I am so grateful for the strength of others, the ones who have come before me, and the ones I try to help that are going through it now...DIVORCE. What a crazy sad amazing adventure! You think you know who you are, what to do, how to do it, and quickly I have realized that "time" is all I need. I want so badly to have someone with me at night, to listen to me about my day, to tickle my back, to rub my feet (yes I am selfish). I LOVE pillow talk, with my partner. It's those little things that I miss so much it hurts. Also, as time is needed, it is also something that brings things out of the woodwork that you didn't see before. It can kill you...ANALYZING. I try too hard to be the "tough" woman, the one who can do this, and do it with a smile on my face. The one who keeps it all together, and who will find someone amazing quickly. I need to remember, that is just not reality. I can cry, I can curse Superman's name. I can be sad, and on my couch eating ice cream. I can. It is okay. It is human, normal. It's hard to remember how to be human or normal, since I honestly have never been what you would call "normal". LOL! I can't even begin to describe the smidgie miracles that happen to me on a daily basis. One day I was crying SO HARD I thought I might die. I was on my knees for most of that day, asking for help. Not an hour later, my beautiful Bishop Budge happened to "just know" to contact me, and let me know he was thinking of me. I told him about my very difficult day, and that most of it was spent on my knees, and he said "Let that be a reminder of how much our Savior loves you". I want to express my love to those of you who don't quite know what to say to me, as I see it in your eyes as you look at me, that you hope I am okay. Please KNOW I feel your love, and your prayers have helped, and continue to help. I LOVE all of you!!! I am healing, but, continue to need TIME...I HATE time. More so I hate patience, but we are becoming fast friends. I will get better with my posts, and soon, my friends, will have some sort of amazing news for you...when one door closes, another one opens.

L to the IFE

Holy wow!! Life is full. And I mean FULL!!!! I turn around and a new week is beginning. I keep meaning to post more, so you all can keep up, but you know how it goes right? Let's begin with the new job. AMAZING!! How I fell into this, well, I know how, but really...thank you Heavenly Father. I LOVE the people I work with, I LOVE the students. They want to be there, they appreciate my knowledge, and we are able to keep it fun yet respectful. They are forced to call me Professor Baxter, and I can't help but giggle every time they call out "Professor Baxter?" It is too funny! I even have a pretty office, a brass plate with my name and title on it, and business cards! BooYAH!! I feel so official! When I got my first check, I sat there and cried. Money, MY money. That I earned. Oh what a feeling! I didn't have to rely on anyone but ME. That, my friends, is an amazing feeling. I no longer need the church's welfare system, which I am so proud to say I was a part of. I am going to do my part more to contribute to that, as it literally saved my life here at Pemberley. Thank you to all the members who believe in it, and contribute. You helped ME, and I was able to get HERE. It is there for a reason, and I have NO shame in telling others I needed it, and it was beautiful! I had to say goodbye to my two kids. The ones before my sweet Makayla. My dogs, Riddick and Nakita. After so much back and forth on the subject, and realizing how unhappy they were, I found a wonderful home for them in Wellsville. A cute little Grandma and Grandpa came and took them to their fenced in 3 acre yard. They order their food online so it's organic, and they used to breed min pins. I felt so good letting them go, and to be honest, it's been a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I don't feel SO guilty anymore. They will be happy, and that makes me happy. I miss them so much it hurts, but time will heal that as it has healed everything else. I love you dogs!!!! It's funny how many more noises I hear without them here, because I felt so safe that they would hear everything. I am getting used to it, and sometimes I HATE how quiet my house is. It reminds me that I am, indeed, a single mother. I am never alone though, and I have learned that for sure. Moving on with life has been tough, and had it's ups and downs, but overall, I have never been happier. I am doing great! I am so grateful for our church, and the lessons I get every Sunday. I am so grateful for my wonderful support system, and I love those I have met along the way. I am looking forward to the future with an almost whole heart, and can't wait to see what happens next!

PEACE AMONG CHAOS

Well time for another update on my haps...my amazing blessed haps. Oh what blessings that have come my way!!!! It's amazing what the Lord has to offer in this life, if we only take the time to reach out and try. So many questions have been answered, without doubt. So many lessons along the way, ones that I will cherish, and some I may regret, but, nonetheless, I am grateful! Makayla is walking everywhere, she babbles very matter-of-factly at anything or anyone. She yells at me when she is upset, and she is now singing with me in the car. She continues to dance her heart out to any music, and giggles and smiles 90% of the time. My little girl is truly the best baby in the world! My new job will start on March 15th, and I can't begin to tell you how excited, nervous, terrified, antsy, scatter-brained, and stressed I have been about this new journey. One I feared the most after the big split. The "working single mom". I used to literally nearly throw up at the thought, because I watched MY mom go through SO much while just trying to keep us afloat. I remember how hard she had to work, and how tired she was, I just pray I am able to keep my life stable, and my heart in the right place. I never want to be ornery or angry for no reason. You know those mom's you hear in the store who literally do nothing but yell at their kids? If I EVER do that, somebody slap me! Although lately my life has been a smidge chaotic, the peace that has settled in is overwhelming. The love I feel for myself and my daughter has changed so many things, and made me so much happier. The light and love of the Savior I feel as I do my service is comparible to nothing, and I have THE biggest testimony of the church's welfare system. Without it, I would have lost everything. The love you feel from the Missionaries at the Bishop's Storehouse is amazing. The Sister who helped me yesterday looked into my eyes, and told me of her daughter who went through a divorce, and how hard it was for her. They understand our heartache, they are there to help. It is their calling, and I know without a doubt that each one there is aware of our struggles. There are people of every type at the Storehouse, people who look like me and you. We have ALL gone through it, and there is absolutely NO other church on this earth who comes together and makes sure that everyone is provided for. How amazing is that? The Bishop asked me during our last meeting when I had felt the most spiritual in my life (using his ever so famous scale of 1-10). How incredible that my answer was literally right after Dan left? I remember literally crying so hard in my closet, that I thought I would pass out, yet I remembered somehow to think about Christ in the Garden, with blood coming out of his pores, and I remember thinking, how on earth could he have felt MORE pain than this? How could any person feel MORE pain than this? He did. And I can't imagine what that felt like. I am so grateful for my foundation, my family, and the love I have felt lately. I have had one too many miracles in this life from my Heavenly Father to ever deny him. Things I truly believed were impossible have been made possible and shown to me that they are possible. Peace CAN come among chaos!

Can YOU Believe She's ONE????

Yep, Makayla turned the big 1 last Saturday. It is crazy how fast the first year goes! I swear I just brought her home from the hospital! Makayla has been such a blessing in my life, and I am so greatful she is here. We had a fun party for her at the clubhouse complete with cupcakes and her favorite movie playing in the theatre "Enchanted". Her cousins are always so good to play with her, and Makayla will go to Katelyn over pretty much anyone else! She got lots of toys and clothes, and ate her cupcake all gone, and later let me tell you she was bouncing off the walls! The party wouldn't have been complete without the McVey's and Claire and Addie. Makayla plays with them a lot (Jenni how can I thank you enough?) and they are all besties. Everytime we pull up the their house, Makayla dives out of the car to get inside! Lindsay, how you took the time out from moving day to come by, I will never know! Auntie Lindsay brought Makayla the cutest dress! I am so greatful that my family is here with me right now, and I am happy that they are so patient with me and my situation. Thank you for all your help Mom, Dad, Mary, Mel, Mike, and all kiddies. I love you all so much, and couldn't get through this without you! It was a great party, and I can't wait to see what this year brings! Happy Birthday Makayala, you are my angel, and I love you more than any words could begin to describe!

Dear Mouse

I think of you as a metaphore little mouse. You appeared in my home right as my husband left. You were very clever, and left poop all over the place. You made me feel dirty, and I would keep Makayla away from where you had been for fear she would get sick from you. I wondered if I felt sick from you. I would clean up after you and the next day clean it all up again. I hate you mouse! I purchased traps, with very little knowledge of how to kill a mouse properly. The traps I bought were useless. FINALLY, I had to ask for help. I was embarassed and ashamed as I didn't want anyone to think I am not a clean person. But I had to get some help. My dad has extensive knowledge on how to kill a mouse. He brought the proper trap. He set it up. And guess what? This morning I woke to find you dead. I disposed of you and nearly vomited and passed out as I was doing it. But I did it! Now you are gone, and I can breathe a sigh of relief. Mouse, you are a lot like Satan. Sneaky, dirty, you leave crap all over the place, you make people sick, I fear what you have done to my family, and without knowledge of our Heavenly Father, and not asking for his help, you can dwell in our homes and hearts until you take over. So goodbye mouse, and goodbye Satan. You are both not welcome here. No one can do everything alone, I need to remember that. I feel like I impose on everyone I ask to help me, and I need to remember the love I feel when I am asked for help. I will do better! I will ask for help. I will talk to my Heavenly Father when I need him. I promise:)
Sincerely,
Marcie