Who's Running For President?

I don't give a flying fuck. All of the Republicans are demonstrably batshit crazy, in a willfully evil way. All of the Democrat have a vanishingly tiny chance of affecting my life in anything but the most infinitesimal way. And are not meaningfully less willfully evil, if that. The amount of noise generated by this would drive me bugfuck, if I allowed it to. Some beloveds have already allowed they to become bugfuck. This is a sad. They should take drugs for it. I should take drugs because they're big grownup beloveds and I have no control over what they do, or any ensuing sad.

Will I vote for Her? Not in the winnowing, no. In the Big One? I don't give a flying fuck. You, personally, I give a flying fuck, beloved. All the beloveds, even the ones who can't read. They don't give a flying fuck either.

By the way, they're not typos. And that was a pome, maybe. Shorts. Yum. Landru out.

Broder Dies; Fabricated Americans Mourn

As you'll no doubt read or have read on more important blogs than this one, YFWP and syndicated columnist and Village medicine man David Broder died today. Broder's special gift as a Villager was to scold anyone for anything, take a contrary position, and pretend he was the moderate and well-reasoned one. It was reported that Broder's last words were, "It's good for America that Gingrich had to fuck interns to bring about the Reagan Revolution and end Communism."

Ordinary nonexistent Americans were moved by Broder's passing. Fictitious taxi driver I. Don Texist wept as he said, "Broder was the best at using his columns to advance the opinions of ordinary invented folk." Other sham opinionators shared Texist's views: "The man had his finger on the pulse of the composite," observed Hemad Emeup, an imaginary Somalian immigrant airport shoeshine stand operator in a city without air service to which Broder never travelled. Broder's sense of grave responsibility in the face of hard times brought on by government and industry rapaciousness also resonated with made-up folk. "Tot" Al Fabrication, a fictive geezer in Springfield, opined that "Broder was right; cat food is good for the elderly."

Meanwhile, Villagers were appropriately respectful. "Give me a bear claw," growled the ghost of Tim Russert, while Fred Hiatt sobbed, "You simply can't imagine how profitable he made the false dichotomy between the dwindling and alleged left and the corporatist right that governs our demise." Maureen Dowd was unavailable for comment, and refused to respond when caught leaving an adult bookstore, where she was watching Al Gore porn.

Blogospheric opinion was widely varied. "hvn't dncd lke ths snce Plly Hrvy tld m t fck ff whle ws rdng ptry by scds," said Blckdgrd. Quintessential feminist Rosa Luxembourg Sasha unleashed a tirade on Broder that included the line, "Even among short men with small penises, he was a midget with an infantile dick." Others made even less sense. "He's exactly the guy I was thinking of when I joined Jack Crow's Punch A Motherfucker Party," said non-notable spittle-spewer Landru. "I don't have a blog," added Landru's wife Ilse. On the spherically semi-antipodal side of the political spectrum, Crow summed it all up: "Kill Noam Chomsky."

The Paranoiac-Critical Marginalization of the 0.06 Percent Theory

Read 'em and weep, lihbruls. The White House officially and explicitly doesn't care that it's explicitly and officially centrist. While I still fundamentally agree with BFF's well-documented 0.06% less shitty theory (although I'm not sure that he still buys it), this is a big hit in the waterline of his math. And there's sure no longer any reason for our side not to take a huge slurp of whupass in November. If the White House (and Dems in Congress, who've staked out the same position with their voting records) wants to stake such a transparently false claim to being different from The Other Side, there's no reason for progressives of any political shade to turn out, and that means that Change is dead, and Obama will truly (and righteously) go down as one of the most inept Presidents ever. I mean, with this, he's just totally abandoned any pretense of effort whatsoever. What a fuckstick.

And Gibbs is worse. Eschaton says (h/t LGM) that in a talk with HuffPo (to which I will not link, and which you should not read, ever), Gibbs attempted to paint his idiotic remarks as reflective of his frustration with criticism of education funding legislation (Nate Silver at 538 has his own take). Which the White House (and liberals) support. What a fuckstick.

My Turn At The Apocalypse

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Black Man Forsakes Penis, Throws Elder Statesman Under Bus

President Obama thinks Jimmy Carter is wrong.

President Obama isn't that fucking stupid.

He is, however, that big of a fucking milquetoast pussy, and it's really a shame that, in telling such a giant whopping lie, he's so blithely giving back the moral high ground to assholes like Joe Wilson and Mike "No One Threw Oreos At You, But I Will The Next Time I See You" Steele.