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*those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves*
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Sunday, June 27, 2004
hols ending...cts starting...but i feel no loss...hols haven't exactly been much of a hols...
so here i am wondering...would you rather go for someone with stunningly good looks but a not-so-nice personality, or someone with average looks but a far nicer character? now now...be honest with yourself...the fact is most of us are still superficial bastards whether we choose to admit it or not..*smirks* Saturday, June 26, 2004
at least now i know...=)
never underestimate my powers of perception Friday, June 25, 2004
physically exhausted...to the point where i feel like i might just collapse any moment...unfortunately my damned brain is wide awake! got cursed with a severe case of insomnia last night so even though i went to bed at 12, fell asleep only at 6.30 this morning..my blood is boiling--ok it would be boiling if i actually had some energy in me..sigh..was shuffling around the house in a daze, not even food could perk me up...attempted to take a nap in the afternoon but sleep just refused to come..i've officially declared war with my brain...stupid piece of shit..chooses to go to sleep when i need it most--like in the middle of an exam...and when i wanna sleep the stupid lightbulb up in my dingy attic (figuratively-speaking here) just refuses to blow...bloody hell...
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
...No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee...
-john donne i wonder if you know...at this point in time, that's all i need to know... Monday, June 21, 2004
yo yo...long time no see me sia...my post got deleted yesterday and i was mega-pissed off...was cursing away to whoever would listen..
class outing today with matt...felt good to get out of the house for a while...turned out i was out of the house for the whole day...in fact, got back not too long ago from wanling's grandpa's wake...sigh...in the span of abt 7 months 4 of us lost at least one of our grandparents...really sad...and the same 4 were there just now, along with al...at least the others got to see the person before he/she passed away...yep...i still haven't forgiven myself..anw pls do try to spend some quality time with your family...esp the grandparents...you never know when they might go while waiting for the doctor, pansy and i were talking abt this big confusion we call life...questioning our existence...quite amazing to know we think/feel the same way...even though it was one of those instances when you just can't put into words your thoughts...same frequency =) went to her house for a while and saw all our pics...our very first outing cum bitching session...felt like weeping man...i really miss everyone...can't wait for july to come when we'll be reunited...i love all 9 of you! feeling a bit blue now...too eventful a day i guess...hard to handle so many emotions...anw this song is quite sad...simple words that can only be understood by ppl who have actually felt the pain of losing someone... i miss you i miss you so bad i don't forget you oh, it's so sad i hope you can hear me i remember it clearly the day you slipped away was the day i found it won't be the same i didn't get around to kiss you goodbye on the hand i wish that i could see you again i know that i can't i miss you Wednesday, June 16, 2004
accepting my fate =)
recent weeks saw my prayers questioning God: what is the point in loving others when all they seem to do is hurt you? why should we continue to love them the way You love us, the way You told us to, if there is not gonna be any reciprocation? yesterday morning i woke up and it hit me: He loves us unconditionally..without any expectations..it doesn't matter if we can't love Him as much as He loves us...He still loves us all the same. and that kinda love is what He was referring to when He told us to 'love one another as I have loved you' (John 13:34) maybe things aren't meant to happen the way i'd hoped...maybe someone else will come along and take away all my dreams...maybe the one i love will end up with the one i have difficulty loving...in time i will learn to accept my fate...in time i will learn to love unconditionally... [ the footprints of an angel are love. and where there is love, miraculous things can happen. ] Monday, June 14, 2004
reunions...nice to see everyone...but not so nice to hear abt the state most of us are in...manda and bing made a gd pt--what is wrong with us?
anw i'm not in the best of moods...in fact, i'm hurt and angry...which is probably good because that means i've reached stage 2...maybe i will make the one-year target afterall...besides, i have a plan! involves my nice stranger again...hur...actually this time round i have a few to choose from...but figured it's prob best to use the same person since it worked so well the first time..keeping my fingers crossed... nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them. sometimes i wonder why this is happening... why all this? 2 words: defense mechanism...i'm worn out and battered (permanent attachment to those 2 adjectives, it seems)...embittered and resentful...the happy milly is dead, but does it matter now? ..i took what i hated and made it a part of me.. tried to fault paranoia for it but it was never its fault...could it be one of those 'weird mood swings' that shengxiang was talking abt? no, i think the fault lies with me and my penchant for making excuses for you...or was it really for me? nothing would please me more than to cross the line...i do so crave the sweetness of anaesthesia...but it wouldn't matter to you now, would it? does it matter to me? yes...i'm sad to say, it still does... Saturday, June 12, 2004
for the first time, i found myself seriously thinking abt the future...where i wanna go...what i wanna do...what i wanna be...it has always been a 'no expectations, no disappointments' kinda thing..but well, having no direction just makes life seem so...empty...anw..for reasons i'm not too sure of myself, today i suddenly felt motivated to come up with a plan for my future, albeit a sketchy one..
uni overseas is a definite no...scholarships are unachievable in my case and even though i know my parents would agree to sponsor should i insist, the fact is i'm not selfish enough to do that...my sister is already overseas and take it from me, the money goes fast...everyone's talking abt going to the US..do you know how bloody expensive the tuition fees are? and we're talking abt JUST the tuition fees yeah (think abt it somemore please!) course...well..being pressured to do med..and frankly, i don't really think i can choose whether i want to do med because the fact is, i know i can't..so wad's my option? been seriously considering dentistry..but--there's always a but--i'd probably fail the manual dexterity test thing..oh well..we'll see how it goes...let's just settle with doing well for A's first after uni, hopefully i'll get employed..hurhur..as for personal life...well..got 2 choices: get married or dedicate my life to God...heart is still open to the calling should i get one (in every generation of the yim family, there'll always be at least one person who chooses the Sacrament of Holy Order..maybe it'll be me this generation) was just talking to serene that day abt marriage and family (heh! she's got more reason to think abt it than i do *winks*) hm..do you ever wonder who you'll end up with? i pray that if i'm meant to get married, that it'll be a good one...divorce is not an option for Catholics.. then of course..death...heh! hopefully it'll be a good painless one...like dying in my sleep...i don't wanna die by suffocation, drowning, getting burnt alive, getting EATEN alive...actually...i don't even wanna be imagining all this..so yeah...peaceful painless death please! and then i pray You'll let me spend eternity with You.. yep! that's more or less the kinda life i hope to live...why am i telling all of you--friends and strangers alike--this? well..i don't know either...maybe it'll make you think abt what you want out of life too..we all need some direction rite =) [ the gate to life is narrow and the way that leads to it is hard, and there are few people who find it. --Matthew 7:14 ] Thursday, June 10, 2004
just got off the phone with my sister...stupid girl went to cut her hair short and now she apparently looks like a mushroom (sounds like the old me huh)...she was telling me all abt the loserish things she'd been doing recently, like getting trapped between 2 automatic glass doors--like hello?--and i just couldn't stop laughing...heh! haven't laughed so hard in quite a while...felt pretty good =)
[ humour is mankind's greatest blessing. --mark twain ] Tuesday, June 08, 2004
you were all the things i thought i knew
and i thought we could be you were everything, everything that i wanted we were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it and all of the memories so close to me just fade away all this time you were pretending so much for my happy ending it's nice to know that you were there thanks for acting like you cared and making me feel like i was the only one it's nice to know we had it all thanks for watching as i fall and letting me know we were done he was everything, everything that i wanted we were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it and all of the memories so close to me just fade away all this time you were pretending so much for my happy ending i want the avril lavigne cd Monday, June 07, 2004
part of my analogue electronics notes fell apart...it literally disintegrated today...all thanks to a certain incident in the chem lab several weeks ago which involved my dear lab partner accidentally dousing the physics section of my file with sulphuric acid..haha...the edges just started crumbling into this powdery mess...kinda like the edges of the hole in our ts wall that was created when silvanus rammed the edge of his chair into it..
yep..i'm studying hard all right.. Saturday, June 05, 2004
see the truth all around
our faith can be broken and our hands can be bound but open our hearts and fill up the emptiness with nothing to stop us is it not worth the risk? yeah, is it not worth the risk? 'cause these are the days worth living these are the years we're given and these are the moments these are the times let's make the best out of our lives even if hope was shattered i know it wouldn't matter 'cause these are the moments these are the times let's make the best out of our lives i'm beginning to hate solitude..wish my sister were here...wish i didn't have to be alone all the time...and yes...you can be alone even when you're surrounded by ppl hey loke..i'm really happy for you! =) and proud of you for doing something abt it..all the best man
ooo i'm a fat happy worm...heh! just got back from dinner with my dears...RM IS BACK!!! and with a slang!! hurhur..
anw was on 77 and saw this rj j1 whom i'd always thought to be quite seh..and some other girl..then before she alighted they hugged and KISSED..wth...ok maybe not one of those eew-go-rent-a-room kinda kisses, and it was on the cheek, but definitely looked intimate enough to warrant a quirked eyebrow. got me thinking...like seeing girls hug each other is ok. holding each other's hands..well..a bit overdoing stuff but still all right. but kissing? erm...where do you draw the line? (note: we're not talking abt one of those "girlfren! over here!" *muack muack* things) hm...and if i--a member of the female population, contrary to dasheng's beliefs--can get freaked out...one can only imagine how the guys would react Thursday, June 03, 2004
lies your parents tell you:
1. 'i'm only doing this for your own good.' 2. 'if you tell me, i promise i won't get mad.' 3. 'if you point, you'll get warts.' 4. 'if you crack your knuckles, you'll get arthritis.' 5. 'if you eat all your carrots, you can see in the dark.' 6. 'you'll understand when you're older.' 7. 'if you cross your eyes, they'll stay that way.' 8. 'i'm only gonna say this once.' 9. 'someday, you'll thank me for this.' 10. 'you'll be sorry.' 11. 'when i was your age, i had to walk 7 miles to get to sch.' 12. 'no matter what happens, you'll always have your family.' -taken from bart simpson's guide to life Tuesday, June 01, 2004
sigh...such a depressing day...discovered i lost a letter from a really good friend and was turning my whole room upside down trying to locate it...to no avail =( where the hell could i have put it??? quite sure i didn't throw it away so WHERE IS IT?! ugh!!! really frustrated man...
anw on the brighter side...tearing my room apart trying to find it resulted in the discovery of a lot of old letters...see..i have this drawer where i keep all my letters (and it's a hell a lot of letters...roughly 300+) and was pawing through the huge mess, trying to clear stuff and sort everything out so the drawer would close with ease in the future. was reading through all the old stuff...the many many notes from suc (74 if i'm not wrong)..those from lindy (man! the stuff we wrote...haha! all that abt our *ahem*s..sheesh..ancient stuff)...and the mother's day cards from the 2 of you...lol! wad a laugh...yeah then came across all the old letters from yingshi (ade!! do you remember our spastic 1/8 days?? how you and tracy kept trying to "pair" yingshi and me up? haha! but she really was damn cute)..yeah and all the neoprints! with our short 'pong' hair from the pre-liberation days...NEVER gonna cut my hair that short again man.. flipped through my council journal...all the warm fuzzies and memories from council camp...jasmine and her "i know you all are trying...BUT IT'S NOT HARD ENOUGH!" and all the "WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF URGENCY?!" saw our council photos...our blazers really were hideous! and so was tieh! nonetheless i really enjoyed every day of my council term...even the sucky times..actually i enjoyed my sec sch life as a whole...ny really was a great place to spend it..and screw all you prejudiced "i'm-superior-because-my-chinese-sucks" ppl..with the "cheena" crap and all...put a sock in it yeah! if ms. banana here says it rocks, IT ROCKS!
Irreverent Manipulation
Little Benjamin sat down at the desk to write a letter to God asking for a little baby sister. He started the letter like this: Dear God, I've been a very good boy... He stopped, thinking. No, God won't believe that. He wadded up the piece of paper, threw it away, and started again: Dear God, most of the time I've been a good boy... He stopped in the middle of the line, again thinking, God won't be moved by this. So he wadded up the letter and into the trash can it went. Benjamin then went into the bathroom and grabbed a big terry cloth towel off the towel rack. He carried it into the living room and carefully laid it out on the couch. He smoothed out all the wrinkles. Then he went over to the fireplace mantle, reached up, and very carefully lifted down the statue of the Madonna. He had often seen his mother carefully dust the statue, and he had eyed it many times. On several occasions, his parents had told him that he could look but was not to touch the statue. Now, with all the care he could muster, he had it in his possession. Benjamin gently placed the statue in the middle of the towel, carefully folding over the edges. He then placed a rubber band around the whole thing. He brought it to the desk, took out another piece of paper, and began to write his third letter to God. It went like this: Dear God, if You ever want to see Your mother again... haha..thought that was quite amusing [ live in such a way that those who know you but don't know God will come to know God because they know you ] |