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*those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves*
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Sunday, May 30, 2004
today was a relatively good day...went to Holy Cross for Mass...i love it man..the atmosphere...and father iggy gave the sermon today! so happy...couldn't stop laughing...he really rocks..heh! then after that went out with amanda to go watch shrek 2...quite funny too..but not as funny as i had expected...must be too used to pixar humour...anw got to catch up a bit...i really miss those 4/8 days...with tianie and everyone else...sighs..anw thanks manda! for your present..it's really cute =)
sebastian treated me to marche for dinner...felt so damn bad...esp since we spent quite a lot...and he sent me home after that..first of my friends to actually drive me around...how cool is that?? not that it was all that inconvenient for him considering the close proximity of our houses..anw it was damn shuang...cuz otherwise i'd have to like...take bus and walk the lousy shortcut with its frog-infested path...hurhur...rocks..wish more of my friends could drive...no...wish I could drive...can't wait for the damned 'A's to be over.. lalala...happiness never lasts...just waiting for the depression to hit again...not to mention, the stress from having to mug for cts...sigh...see? i'm sad already.. Saturday, May 29, 2004
I HATE KIDS! nearly died today at rp cip camp...BRATS!! every single one of them! ok except for a few docile ones lar...but collectively, they're just asking to be strangled, i tell you...given the foul mood i was already in, thanks to yesterday and this morning's psychometric analysis test (which was really psycho) crap, surprised i didn't dump all of them into the pond...especially those 2 buayas who kept touching my hair...WAH LAO!! just asking for it lar! esther, you're really a shen man..don't know how you did it
anw i'm in pain so i shall shut up for now...sleep-deprived...and my throat hurts from crying my heart out Friday, May 28, 2004
things to wonder abt:
why is it an ordinary friend is able to tell when you're unhappy but a good friend can't? why is it your best friends are awol most of the time when you need them? why is it the ppl you want to be with just have to be so damn far away? why is it ppl you care abt always take you for granted and treat you like dirt? why is it a person who is stuck in ns can still find the time to sms you and show concern but ppl who are supposedly "closer" to you can't? why is it the ppl who have the ability to make your day usually choose to ruin it instead? and the most important question of all: WHY DO I EVEN GIVE A DAMN?? ok now that that's been settled...give me one year...i've done it before i'll do it again...one year...and it'll be exactly the way you want it. in the meantime just spare me, dammit! i HATE the holidays...do you know why? because ppl get bored and do stupid things which totally ruins my life Thursday, May 27, 2004
dear God, surround me as i speak
the bridges that i walk across are weak frustrations fill the void that i can solely bear dear God, don't let me fall apart You've held me close to You i have turned away and searched for answers i can't understand they say that i can move the mountains and send them falling to the sea they say that i can walk on water if i would follow and believe with faith like a child and at last i knew that God had made this special cross for me, for God in His great wisdom knew what i before could not see-- that often the loveliest crosses are the heaviest crosses to bear, for only God is wise enough to choose the cross each can wear everything that happens was already determined long ago, and we all know that a man cannot argue with someone who is stronger than he --Ecclesiastes 6:10 A life of faith...enables us to see God in everything and it holds the mind in a state of readiness for whatever may be His will --Francois Fenelon Tuesday, May 25, 2004
was quite quite happy to see bernie today...and zhuang hui too..bernie's hugs are always so nice and warm =) and she's such a cheerful person...seeing her and talking to her cheered me up quite a bit...
anw we were talking and she said to me "milia, you always fall for the bastard guys.." hm...you know, i think maybe she's right...hm...WAS right..? i want to ace my organic chem test so chee keong won't shake his head at me anymore...i want to get decent grades for my common tests...i want...i want...i want what i cannot have... sigh...i just want to crawl into a hole and sleep my wasted life away Saturday, May 22, 2004
sleeping pattern a bit disrupted...slept at like...3am this morning? was talking to my good friend/confidante from 12 to 2+ or so...it's always nice to talk to him =) actually chatting with good frens over the phone is generally a nice thing...sadly sms seems to have replaced all telephone conversations...in fact, i find the only ppl who call my home phone are family members or those suaku friends of my parents who are complete losers when it comes to hps, either due to their failing eyesight (have you seen these clowns try to sms? they take 30 sec to key in one letter) or their ineptitude at utilising such--in their opinion--"high-tech" paraphernalia. often both. ANW...back to the pt...we really should call our friends up once in a while for a nice chat...
hm i've discovered that being sad improves my piano-playing skills...maybe it's cuz most of the stuff i play are melancholy pieces..like sarah mclachlan's 'do what you have to do' and 'angel'...y'noe i've realised that i have this terrible way of not making use of the gifts i've been blessed with...inherited my grandfather's gift of music but abandoned the piano at grade 7 to focus on psle (is that stupid or wad)...inherited my dad's gift of running but abandoned track too...my mom's artistic abilities which were evident years ago are completely absent now...i have become so amazingly useless and the worst thing is knowing it's really all my fault..sigh do you know what ppl mean when they use the term "heart sank"? have you ever felt it? in my entire life i've truly felt my heart sink 3 times...once was last night..i'm not cut out to take so much disappointment...i'm too small.. think i'm going through a humbling period now...which is probably no more than i deserve...ziqian was trying to enlighten me with his 'ziqianism' just now but guess it's not really meant for pessimists like me...but i shall take his advice abt not 'chup'-ing the xu wei...he's right...at least i still have my "zi ji ren" =) thanks ziqian i need to go back to my journal...don't really have many pages left but well..it's a bit more calming than blogging...at least in there i don't have to make everything sound so vague...anonymity gets quite frustrating... anw this is a really nice sad song...sarah mclachlan's voice is just so damn beautiful Do What You Have To Do What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage created you a monster broken by the rules of love and fate has lead you through it you do what you have to do and fate has led you through it you do what you have to do... and I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go every moment marked with apparitions of your soul I'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do but I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go I don't know how to let you go a glowing ember burning hot burning slow deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you I know I can't be with you I do what I have to do I know I can't be with you I do what I have to do and I have sense to recognize but I don't know how to let you go I don't know how to let you go I don't know how to let you go Friday, May 21, 2004
eh...where's all the blue???
it's friday again! and thank goodness too...really sick of sch...little update on the nothings that have been happening since i last blogged: wednesday was pretty much bleah cuz i was still bothered abt wad i kb-ed abt in my previous post (please don't take offence if i didn't tell you why i was so down...i just couldn't at that time..anw it's definitely not cuz of you yeah)..felt a bit better after sch...owing a little to the fact that i slept when i got home thursday was slightly better..played floorball during pe and i actually scored against ms poon!! like how often does that happen?? hurhur..sense of achievement there..maths test was pathetic so keeping the expectations low this time...got back physics test and was relieved and disappointed at the same time...i really have to quit setting my expectations so unrealistically high...no wonder i'm never happy...anw...i was really amused by that ms 'feesiks' chan during prac..was so absorbed in the exp that i didn't realise mr wong had left and she'd come in, so got a fright when she suddenly boomed out in her singsong voice abt the frequency crap...scary stuff i tell you! had to bite my lip to keep from laughing at her..stayed back for a while after sch and was forced to play lightbulb (sorry serene!!)..and saw chee keong playing badminton in the hall..LOL! then left for church at like..6+? [hey sorry you always have to walk me to red house...really appreciate it but seriously..don't have to feel obliged to k? feel quite paiseh =S] man!! totally embarrassed myself at church..this guy was sitting beside me and during the 'Our Father' had to hold his hand and we all know abt my sweaty palms problem..was so embarrassed!! tried to minimise contact as best as i could...stupid fiona was laughing at me...then while 'exchanging peace' he put his hand out with the intention of shaking mine but i didn't give him the chance to..lol..and during Communion he tripped over my bag while getting out of the pew...omg!! felt so damn paiseh...was surprised when he still tried to make conversation after all that...why do these loser-ish things always have to happen to me?? sigh.. anw got to catch up a bit with fion...was telling her abt stuff and started wondering who i was really trying to convince...myself probably...not that it's really working..see? it's the expectation thing again..sometimes hope isn't such a good thing..the disappointment that comes with it is often too much to take... i need a break, dammit.. Tuesday, May 18, 2004
i swear i'm gonna die of high blood pressure some day...getting more irritable with each day..agh!!!!!!!!
i think it's probably just me being a bitch...but a certain someone--let's just name this person X (maths test coming up yo..)--has been pissing the hell out of me! feel so damn betrayed...at first i thought maybe it's just me being oversensitive but now i'm pretty sure it's not...i probably wouldn't be so pissed if X were selfish but honest...i mean...at least i'd know...but THIS!!! this is back-stabbing man...why didn't i go to hc?? why can't i see more of kristy and yn ay and the others and less of X?? sigh...maybe it's just another case of "familiarity breeds contempt"...not that i would consider myself to be very "familiar" with X...and you know what's the worst part?? having to keep it all in because no one would believe me...[well...i did kb a bit to alvin just now (thanks man, for listening) so feeling a LITTLE bit better..but it's only probably only temporary] i don't know how much more i can ren...but gotta try..it's not gonna be a pretty sight if i really did explode...please please PLEASE don't push me any further... sigh...what's wrong with me? i'm becoming such a terrible person...you know what i need? i need to go for Confession...need to pour my heart and soul out and seek forgiveness...can just imagine the priest dousing me with holy water and going "be gone, satan!!" yep...that's how evil i think i've become...pray for me yeah =( Sunday, May 16, 2004
well...only 3 of us today...turn-ups getting fewer with the months...sigh...anw! it was still great hanging with the 2 of them =) really miss their company..yn ay treated me to 50 first dates!! which means wish no.2 is fulfilled!! (thanks yn ay!!) hurhur...the movie was so damn sweet man...one of those feel-good shows--albeit only for a short while...sigh...glad to know pansy and wx are alright again...stupid girl...don't know what she's doing man...if only she knew how lucky she is...and how envious i am of her...haha
ooo!! i saw the nice swatch watch again...i'm sooo gonna get it..someday...had some trouble locating it cuz i didn't know like...which series it came under...anw now i know...it's the skin one from the olympics collection...the only skin, apparently...go check it out! the strap's metallic and has some happening design...quite funky...and it looked better on my wrist than the other one i saw with shuwan...maybe cuz the face is bigger--small faces make my wrist look way too thin...crap...i'm in love with it already!! better start saving up then can fulfil no.9...heh! hopefully the watch will still be around by then anw i'm tired...it's been a rather sucky weekend (with the only bright spot being the time i got to spend with my 2 dears today)...shall go sleep it off and pray the rest of the week won't be too unbearable... Saturday, May 15, 2004
'breakfast at tiffany's' is in my head...goes something like...
You'll say the world has come between us Our lives have come between us Still I know you just don't care And I said, "What about breakfast at tiffany's?" She said, "I think I remember the film, And as I recall, I think we both kinda liked it" And I said, "Well, that's the one thing we've got" I see you, the only one who knew me And now your eyes see through me I guess I was wrong So what now? It's plain to see we're over And I hate when things are over When so much is left undone. lyrics and tune kinda don't match...it's one of those pseudo-happy songs...i like.. how come she got so much and i'm getting so little?? says a lot, i guess...i just have trouble accepting it because i'm a stubborn ass...so everyday i continue to torture myself with feelings of resentment and hurt...juxtaposed with the hope that maybe all this is unnecessary...that maybe someday i wouldn't feel so inferior [note: this is called 'setting yourself up for disappointment'...i wouldn't recommend it to anyone...unless of course you're the type that enjoys popping 40 panadols a day] i forgot to take my daily dose of ds chocolates...suffering from withdrawal symptoms now...how am i gonna survive after it's finished?? Friday, May 14, 2004
nostalgic today...
reminded of the old syf days back in tcn...first with eye your life, which is still the best play i've ever seen...and then in sec 3 again with erm...i forgot the title...i really miss tcn..and ms raman!! can't believe i got to see her today...glad to know she still remembers me =) she's still the same...and her hug is still just as warm...i miss alien too...i even miss those strange exercises ms raman used to make us do..and my pw!! i miss writing to you...miss checking the letterbox for your notes...i miss bitching abt mabel chia and gary tang!! with my fellow tcn-ers =P how we came up with the lamest excuse ever for being late for cca (it wasn't our fault...serene's watch stopped) got to walk around tchs a bit and was reminded of slc...haha...walked past the ops room and remembered all the stupid things we did there...kazua ziqian and his gaysiao-ing..all the *ahem* "scandals" which were meant to be a joke but eventually turned out to be true in some cases...hurhurhur...man we really had fun during those slc days =) so glad i got to be a part of it sigh...those were the days...now my life is just...well...not much of a life yeah...was dumping chilli all over my dinner just now in a desperate attempt to add some spice to my life (no...don't roll your eyes..that wasn't a lame attempt at humour...i really am that desperate...) but even my taste buds seem to have become jaded, like the rest of me... maybe it's having to listen to everyone's problems..don't get me wrong here...i'm honoured to be your confidante and i actually LIKE listening to you ppl...it's just that hearing abt how so many things i'd once believed to be perfect go awry just gets me so sceptical abt life...why do we not realise how lucky we are? why do we feel the need to mess things up? WHY DOES EVERYONE TAKE EVERYONE FOR GRANTED?? the list of ppl to pray for gets longer everyday...wad does aunt agony do when she's in agony herself? you have the ability to make or break my day...do you know that? Wednesday, May 12, 2004
i'm as happy as a clam...which is not very...i mean...how happy can a clam get?? it doesn't even have a proper digestive system
speaking of clams...chlamydospores...bio test is a piece of crap and chem wasn't any better...wonder how badly i failed...hm...actually i find the phrase "failed badly" intriguing...wad's a bad fail? thought a bad fail would be like..1 or 2 marks away from the passing grade and a good fail the extreme end...like 2/100 or something...ah wth.."fail" and "good" don't go together unless there's a "not" somewhere...and why the hell am i wasting my time thinking abt this? serene!! i was going crazy just now thinking abt 'our threat'...let's keep praying that it'll get out of our way...hurhur...glad to have you in my boat too...need some company =) may we eventually learn to be less paranoid (and have better luck!) looking forward to more kb-ing sessions with you...haha! feeling a bit high from the chocolate just now...my b'day present from dasheng...one a day! need to savour the good stuff...and they're REALLY good...the one i ate today had some alcoholic content, which probably explains the highness...anw thanks dasheng!! your dream is on its way to being fulfilled...heh! kristy sent me a card...was so touched when i read what she wrote that i almost cried...haha! i'm so blessed to have such a wonderful friend..love you!! shall give her a BIG hug on sunday...i love hugs..they're so warm and they say so much...longing for a nice, big, warm one from you now...=) Monday, May 10, 2004
i've compiled a trivial wish list! on the way home was thinking abt all the things i wanna do, on top of my long-term, more impt wish list (which is not for your eyes so i shall not talk abt it)...
(in no order) 1. try ben&jerry's cookie dough ice cream...see if it's as good as it was in my dream 2. go watch at least ONE movie before the year is over (and it's gotta be in a proper cinema...hbo and star movies don't count) 3. go star-gazing 4. grow taller (by at least 1 cm..ONE cm! is that too much to ask for??) 5. to be happy for one entire day...without any thoughts of work or anything depressing... 6. see the twins! 7. kill my nbr's dog (oops...no one's supposed to know that) 8. paint my bedroom walls yellow 9. get a nice swatch watch (either the one i saw with mich or the one i saw with shuwan)..gotta give my tag a break from the constant abuse 10. fulfill at least one of the above wishes quite reachable rite...i mean...besides no.4 and 5... Sunday, May 09, 2004
my tag-board is screwed...haha! mine and almost everyone else's...hopefully they'll fix it soon
i'm quite happy today...inbox got flooded a bit, not that i mind...so touched that ppl actually remembered...was especially glad to hear from all the old friends like kristel, bernie, shui, si huan, hanjie, huixin, colin...and of course my best friends *smiles* (at least i got to hug one of you...hehe!) then my sister called from aussie too...got to speak to my grandma...lol! can't wait to go see the twins! they named one of them after my grandfather (and therefore after my dad too)...so sweet rite...oh! and thanks for your presents! weiqi hy mich wilson serene chiara ian kh jan (did i get that correct?) for the sweater...really nice!! and chiara for your flower, the name thing and the card...chiara and julie for the balloon...terence, for YOUR balloon..haha! it flew away at the bus stop and had to chase after it...think the ppl must have been quite amused watching me...my sister's bf, for coming over with oreo cheesecake...and thanks wilson! for your note =) and for fulfilling like...1/10 of my b'day wish...haha! and thanks everyone, for your hugs and wishes...love you!! *muack* thank You, especially...for giving me life on this day...MY life...i wouldn't have it any other way...=) hear me, blessed Jesus, as i say my prayers today. tell me You are close to me and You'll never go away tell me that You love me, like the Bible says You do, and tell me also, Jesus, i can always come to You, and You will understand me when other people don't, and though some may forget me just tell me that You won't... and someday when i'm older, i will show You it is true, that even as a little child my heart belongs to You. Saturday, May 08, 2004
a phone call from a best friend can work wonders...even if it's just for a minute or two =) kristy called me just now...might be meeting her tmr to collect something...hope i do! then can get my b'day wish...hehe! well...part of it anw...hm...nysc's gotta be the best thing that's ever happened to me...because the joy it brings actually lasts =)
feeling a bit sian...day was quite depressing cuz there wasn't much to do except study...and we all know how depressing mugging can get...dropped by my nbr's house to pass him his present cuz it's his b'day today...and was appalled to discover his dog shrunk...hahaha! german shepherd became a small ugly walking carpet...ok maybe it's cute...didn't really get a good look...but it's small!! small dogs are ugly and irritating...my next-door nbr's dog is the ugliest and most irritating one of all...should shut the thing up permanently...stupid pest ugh!! feeling quite bad now...missing just about everyone...maybe cuz it gets a bit lonely, being home alone...not that i'm missing my parents THAT much...just...well....need some company...DECENT company--notes don't count...if only my sister were here... (with each paragraph my mood deteriorates...let's just stop for the day) Thursday, May 06, 2004
God does hear our prayers...take it from me...coincidence has nothing to do with it...
He Answers All Our Needs there's no problem too big and no question too small, just ask God in faith and He'll answer them all. not always at once, so be patient and wait, for God never comes too soon or too late. so trust in His wisdom and believe in His word, for no prayer is unanswered and no prayer unheard. to my best friends: there's not one day that i fail to thank God for all of you...to those i don't get to see much of--i really really miss you!! can't wait for 16th may =) and to you whom i see everyday--i'm nonetheless grateful for every single minute i get to spend with you because it's still never enough... oh yes...and to amanda: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! it's my mom's b'day today too ladida...it feels good to be happy =) [ don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don't forget to thank Him for His answers - Philippians 4:6 ] Wednesday, May 05, 2004
hm...something strange happened in sch today..though i'm not sure exactly what...guess we'll have to wait for tmr to find out...hodge apparently "ran" out of the lt just before the play started and after that he was going around telling us to go home in groups? and there was like...an ambulance....hm...wonder what happened...i swear, it's our suay batch...bringing all these tragedies to the sch...sigh...
serene dear...don't worry too much...things have a strange way of working themselves out in the end (does that sound correct?) =) don't kill yourself thinking abt it yeah? and i shall try to take my own advice...hurhur...anw if you need someone to talk to i'll be here for you, just like you've always been there for me...=) today was a relatively happy day...got to laugh quite a bit while helping chee keong move the noticeboards...he was so hum!! afraid to move the boards cuz there were 2 lizards skulking around the area...haha! couldn't stop laughing at him...lol...can't believe he volunteered to get dunked...man...so glad to have such an interesting teacher...haha find myself cursing under my breath more often these days...all thanks to a certain someone who just loves to get my way...cannot take it man...what kinda person would do such a thing?! really disappointing...feel so betrayed...and the worse part is not being able to complain abt it NVM! shan't dwell on such annoying issues...must think abt the happy things =) O you whom I often and silently come where you are that I may be with you, As I walk by your side or sit near, or remain in the same room with you, Little you know the subtle electric fire that for your sake is playing within me -walt whitman Monday, May 03, 2004
if you know what's good for you, you won't read this...
today sucks...like big time...MAJOR headache made me feel like ripping my head off...didn't help that the physics prac test was so screwed...(ds is right...'gay design prac with guailan apparatus' just abt sums it up) was supposed to stay back to set up flats but i almost died from the throbbing pain...made worse by having to sew press-studs on the costumes...I CAN'T SEW TO SAVE MY LIFE DAMMIT! was screaming like mad in the canteen and i think poor shuwan got a bit freaked...sorry...the j1s beside us were giving me looks too which just pissed me off even further...hello?? never seen a pained j2 before?? don't worry...it'll be your turn soon...hm...shane was so nice...gave me a massage which felt pretty song...just that it left me semi-paralysed...didn't know whether to laugh or to cry...but thanks anw! oh yes...AND! i'm LAME! the pain from the ankle has spread up to the calf...wonder what the hell i did to bring that abt...thank goodness ms poon didn't kill us too badly today...so yes...as you can see, i was plagued by just abt every type of pain possible today...funny huh...that we were just talking abt inflicting physical pain last nite and today this had to happen...so zhun...can go buy 4d... i'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhasuted...was trying to do my physics tutorial when i discovered that i have no clue as to what line spectra is about...HOW?! please don't kill me tmr, sir...i really tried but if you're stupid, you're stupid...can't fight nature...sigh...i just wanna quit sch and go live on some sheep farm.... SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!! [ i got a heart full of pain. head full of stress. handful of anger held in my chest. uphill struggle. blood, sweat and tears. nothing to gain. everything to fear ] - nobody's listening...the WORST song on meteora...what's with the jap flutes?? Sunday, May 02, 2004
i wanna go back to Holy Cross! =( my dad keeps insisting we go to St. Mary's cuz the service is earlier...Holy Cross is so much better...love the hymns they sing...the choir is so good and the atmosphere is so much livelier...and there's Father Iggy's passionate sermons...haha! feel i can focus better there somehow...nvm! i shall go back next sunday...anw it's more convenient cuz there's ora next week and the church is pretty near sch...i can't believe i have to go back to sch on a sunday! sheesh...it'd better be a fun day...
hm...went for lunch with my parents just now (for once! don't have to wash the dishes!) cuz they will be away next week and my mom wanted to give me a treat...food was good...only thing missing was my sister...really glad i have a sister...can't imagine what it would be like if i were an only child...esp since i don't talk to my parents a lot...haha! just think how silent the house would be... i'm hoping my wish will come true...haha! got my wish in y2k...hopefully this yr i'll get it too...got one more week of intense hoping and praying to go...but doesn't look like things will go the way i want them to =( hope i'll be able to accept whatever comes...sigh... God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference. [ "forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, i press on towards the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus" - Philippians 3:13-14 ]
hm...got to catch up a little with my nbr...hm..apparently he and his gf broke up...quite sad...thought they were really stable...sigh...that girl has got to be insane to let him go, that's all i can say...hm...somehow i realise that when ppl reach a certain age, they just don't feel like straying...or maybe it comes with eh...experience...like..flirting around too much eventually makes you crave stability...
got to talk to zh a little just now too...realised there are a lot of ppl who care abt me and i wonder why...is it because they're just nice? or is it because i appear so weak and helpless that ppl can't help but be concerned? haha...either way i don't really deserve it...but thank you, anw...i'm touched...=) think i'm listening to jars of clay too often...everyday one of the songs will be stuck in my head... I Could Sing of Your Love Forever over the mountains and the sea Your river runs with love for me and i will open up my heart and let the Healer set me free i'm happy to be in the truth and i will daily lift my hands for i will always sing of when Your love came down i could sing of Your love forever i could sing of Your love forever i could sing of Your love forever i could sing of Your love forever o i feel like dancing it's foolishness, i know but when the world has seen the light they will dance with joy like we're dancing now [ Jesus' blood never failed me yet ] |