Heroes and Lost causes

I learn something new everyday. Things that I have learnt in the past might have changed in the days of new. Sometimes there are reaffirmations that stay consistent through the times of past, present and future. Today was no different. Today was another day of another lesson.

In these times when laughs are echoes of memories long gone and feelings a thing of the past, there are things make me smile ruefully. I have learnt today that despite all the cynicism and pessimism disguised as realism that i possess, I am in actual fact, a believer in lost causes. But when the cause starts to succeed, I walk quietly away into the sunset.... seeking the lonesome that once held me close to its bosom.

Today was Vaanavil. An event NUS ICS organised. An NUS ICS that I am very much proud of. When I joined, we were nothing much. Some newbies. Others, seniors who had a bad year previously. As we sat thru the first few meetings, there was a clean slate and promise of good things to come. Today, we were truly something. The event was a testament to that. Yuva was not a one-off.... this was much better. Suddenly ICS is no longer a lost cause. Suddenly we are somewhere.

People left us during the bad times. People joined us during the good times. Yet, to the 14 who still stayed together through thick and thin in the committe from the start till now and till the very end.... To commit to something knowing that you will not get anything tangible in return. To toil for something knowing its going to get you nothing monetary or fame in return. That is truly something. Something that is absent in the society of today. I love everyone of u guys. To me , you guys are heroes...

Now, where do i stand? The lost cause is no more... Is this the cue for me to walk off into the sunset? Coincidentally, I have reached the day when I enter into isolation. What will I become when I emerge from it? Or will I ever emerge?

Only Time will tell....Time heals all... and changes all....

Isolation has arrived.

Strength in Arms...

There are times when a couple of people can get me down. There are times when my own strength fails me. There are times when practicality forsakes me. There are times when reason and logic escapes me. There are times when my ideals elude me. Moments like these create a pressure too great to bear. Its like bein cornered against a wall with no will to fight and with no desire to perservere. Its times like these when the strength of Men fail.

However, when all is lost, we fail to see where the dimmest of light remains. Where the barest of hope remains, fleeting in its nature, whimsical in its presence. Yet it hangs there before you, willing u to pursue it... daring u to fight your way from the wall....

In the Art of War, Sun Tzu says that the enemy who fights the hardest are those who know they have no way out and that they have nothing to lose.

Indeed for me, recovery was not borne with my strength alone but with the strength of others. The people around you, willing to offer you a hand or two to help you up and going the distance with u as u try to pick yourself up. We do things as there are reasons behind it. Motivations that propel us to our actions.

Selflessness always has a price to pay. Nobody said being a good guy was easy. My dad always told me heroes die first. I guess sometimes, we have to be willing not to expect anything, and even expect to lose something as well when u sacrifice for others. The prize?

A satisfaction that only you alone experience at having done something worth remembering in life. I am glad for the people around me who offer me the support and comfort that has helped me find my feet in these trying times... I have learnt a painful lesson that growing is a constant stage and will never forsake us. There will always be people who will hurt you, and there are those whom you can depend on in times of need. The world is not necessarily a cruel one. If it was, there will not be a Gandhi, Mother Theresa or Marthin Luther King...

There is a God in every one of us... We seek this inner spirituality through many means. However, we never realise that sometimes the simplest of intentions and deeds can bring out the smile in others. We can touch people in ways we may not always be aware of, but at the end of the day, you have to be truthful to yourself.

As I look upon ICS now, I believe I have made a difference. I have made an impact in some lives w/o expecting anything but the inner satisfaction of making that difference. I know I will go the distance when I am given the reason to. And right now, I have found it in the form of my real friends who were there to help me climb out of the misery I knowingly placed myself in...

2 more days to Isolation...

But the journey does not seem too dark anymore as I proceed towards the light in the tunnel. Brings me back to that poem I wrote during my secondary school days...

Loneliness:

I lie awake
For no one's sake
I could not sleep
As my thought ran deep
I asked myself why
As I started to cry
That my luck was rotten
And I was forgotten
But the sobbing stopped
As up a thought cropped
That I need not fear
As Loneliness was here....

Loneliness II : Never Alone

The Quiet reigned through empty space
Engulfing all in a sweeping grace
But I stood still
Letting the emptiness fill

My aching body yearns
For thru Life I have learnt
That nothing is what they seem
My carefully tailored heart torn at the seams

And there was nothing left for me
For the end was all I could see
Suddenly I was bathed in light
Somehow in response to mt plight

An angel descended from the sky
Urging me to come to her and fly
With trembling fingers, I touched her hand
And soon we started to ascend

Away from all the misery and gloom
which had spelt my certain doom
I turned and admired her beauty
She turned and gave me a smile so pretty

But as suddenly as she had appeared
She left me and had disappeared
And I was back in reality
My neighbourhood surrounding me

I was finally home
A day as bright as chrome
I whispered to myself in an assured tone
That I will be.... Never Alone....


P.S. Thank you angels.... =)

Happy Birthday Bena...

Just wanna say Happy Birthday to one of the sweetest gals I know in my life. Actually she is the sweetest by far! So yeah... Happy Birthday Bena...

Started the day rather badly when I woke up late. IN fact, I have to count myself lucky to even wake up at 6.10am as I had not set alarm the night before and actually had the cheek to crash at 9pm. I fired up my computer only to realise that the mouse was not working. I restarted the com but to no avail. So much for printing my history notes for that day.

I rushed about my house and had to endure Class 95 whilst washing up. Don't ask why Class 95 was playing when I am usually a Perfect 10 listener. A verbal war began in the kitchen between my mum and bro, to which i responded to my increasing the volume of my radio in the toilet.

I quickly ran through the contents of my bag and blasted out of home only to realise (AGAIN) that I have not signed my RESERVIST acknowledgment letter. Yes folks, I am going for reservist training on May 30 to June 3. I was at the ground floor of my block when the realisation hit me. So it was back up to my flat, tolerate my mum's irritation at my forgetfulness and left the house in a calm fashion. So much for being on time for my 8am lecture.

Lecture was rather dull as well. Dubois was rather moody. Shermann was not in town. I was not in the mood for a chat with bounce who was in her usual spot across the LT. After lect, i walked out towards the forum and called shivani. She just reached school. We met along the corridor and found a bench so that I can write my piece on bena's card. I then irritated Shivani for not bringing the camera. It would have been more memorable if she had brought it.

We decided to take the sheltered route (more like she demanded it to avoid the Sun) and came across the Hindu Society Notice Board. I could not help but take a jab at shivani when I demanded we stop and admire Rita Rai's picture on the board. As Shivani started pointing excitedly at Rita's picture, I remarked that Rita's face was the first beautiful face I have seen that day. That provoked (rather expectantly might I add) a violent response from shivani. She literally turned sharply and yelled at me (in the playful sort of course). Good thing I stood a couple of steps from her or I would have gotten a few blows as well. Hahaha! Gd 'ol Roy!

We ran into Bena at the YIH canteen. Shivani distracted her by forcing her to buy a few cups of tea whilst I rushed to the end of the canteen to set up the marble-cum-birthday cake, with candles and a pink "Happy birthday sign". The look on bena's face was worth all the effort. Besides shivani and me knew that Bena was worth it even b4 embarking on such a task. After a rather "spirited" birthday song, Bena cut the cake and we soon settled into a midday tea time with tea and cake. Works all the time...

We spent the nex hour just chatting about stuff and the future of ICS, apparently Shivani wants to be secretary and me her vice... Hahahahaha! Trying to take a jab at my "typical male" ego eh?

The day pretty much went as per normal. Ran into VJ and Tahira, and kailing soon after. Then at 1pm we went to Engine canteen to get lunch and at 2pm, Shivani and I went for our lect (w/o Lavania as usual.... no surprises..)

I also got a call from this gal called Aseena from TKGS in regards to the camp. She was asking how many of them can come over and whether they can share the same rooms... I told her I could not guarantee anything except for the fact that all of the campers will be situated in the same hostel. I guess there is cause for some celebration as this is the first response ICS has gotten since we sent out the letters about 18 days ago... I hope there will be more...

Other than that... I have to say I am pretty much on the road to emotional recovery after the trying weekend I had. I cannot help but feel that certain relations have been strained due to the latest developments. I just wanna say to all those affected, whether they are aware or not, that I have absolutely nothing against you people. Like I have said earlier, the fault is all mine and as such the burden is mine to bear. The changes I am going through now is something I have to go through to prevent further harm that I have inflicted upon myself during the past few weeks.

All I want to say is that sometimes I want my pals, (especially the closer ones) to be outright honest and specific about what they feel and tell me straight. Don't say one thing and do another. Cuz that throws me into uncharted waters. I cannot help what I felt over the past few days and as such do not let it affect you fellas. In the end, its a road I alone have to travel....

Then again, I do know that you guys will pretty much do your own thing regardless of what happens to me... Life goes on, I pretty much have to tell myself. Sometimes I get this conceited idea that the world sometimes revolves around me at times. Friends get into tussles over things they promise themselves never to get into. Sometimes over a gal, sometimes over an idea or an issue. One thing I have learnt that the reason I am more of a thinker that someone who is emotional is because I am emotionally weak. I cannot take emotional blows that easily. Every blow is a fatal one for me. That is why I create this mental barrier to deflect such situations, to protect my inner core. However, the ones closest to me, the ones who are inside this barrier can cause the most harm.

I cannot help but think of Return of the Jedi, when the emperor says to Luke that his greatest weakness is his faith in his friends. Indeed, My closest friends are my greatest strength and my most fatal weakness... As I have realised that in the past few days, as humans we are prone to mistakes and even among friends as well.

4 more days to Isolation.

Isolation...Here I come...

A week to go before i slip into the enforced isolation I was proposing earlier. Already, there are signs that are pushing me deeper into the eventuality that I was readying myself for. Just as the weekend was coming to a decent ending, I had been dealt a blow that I cannot fully classify under. Right now, I am left wonderng about a great many things and filled with frustrations that only a hundred questions with no answers can bring.

Never have i thought a year ago, when I was entering NUS, that i would face the situation that I am facing now. I have always taken great pains not to slip into the situation I am facing now but here I am, clutching at my aching heart and with no one to blame but myself. Why does my heart ache so much, I cannot really comprehend. I face a situation in which my brain just cannot agree with my heart. I am being pulled in directions that I cannot resist.

Should I run? Should I hide? Should I continue feeling sorry for myself when I truly know that none of my considerations is going to help me. I am human and I cannot help but feel the way I feel now. I have no one to blame but myself.

I keep telling myself that I am exaggerating, that I should pick myself up before I sink beyond the point of no return. Yet, I am numb and sub conciously, I want to sink further down and see what the bottom holds in store for me. A fatal curiosity grips me now, I am almost on auto pilot with no real motivation to push myself in the opposite direction. I have tried to sleep the feeling off but I am cursed with sleeplessness.

Then again.... Life goes on, I suppose. Time never stops still for people like me. It mercilessly presses on till I am just a page in the annals of Time. Practicality has failed me in my moment of need. I just hope the week comes to a close soon. I want to stand upon the coming sunday and breathe a sigh of relief...

The Liberation of the Soul

I have read it in the newspapers that Singaporeans are very hive minded people and that it is very rare to spot a singaporean sitting alone having a drink or lunch for that matter. The writer then went on to argue that sometimes doing things on your own can be a liberating experience. When I initially read it, i scoffed at the idea. Now, however, i am beginning to see the wisdom in that argument.

I feel that i have reached a point in life in which i am growing sick and tired of people. Somehow things are coming into perspective in explaining why i have been such a loner at times in my life thus far. Yeah sure, i have my bros to have my back and a few friends to confide in with but I have never been in the company of this many people in my life before NUS. The first sem was not too bad. This sem, however, it just went overboard

Perhaps the thing that bugged me the most (and still does) is the politics that is involved with the relationships that form between people. There are literally webs of relationships strewn around linking a mass of people together, each link being as unique as the other. However as i plod through each day, becoming increasingly bogged down by this "web of webs" I have finally come to the stage when enough is enough.

I guess the load is just too great a burden to bear now, and the responsibility to massive to handle. I need to break out and live the life of the lonely again. Perhaps now, more than ever, with each passing day, I am hoping for the end of Vaanavil so i can slip into a week of enforced isolation. Away from the people, away from the politics, away from the needless drama and mayhem. As Tommy Lee Jones once said in the movie Men In Black... " A person is smart, but people are stupid".

There were moments in my life in which i pursued soul searching. Although they were no more than enforced isolation at home, they served a purpose of keeping my sanity intact. This time however, i intend to just switch off my handphone and do my own stuff in school. I would love to just sit in a canteen around campus with a notepad and just observe people and the things that happen around me and thoughts provoked by the happenings around me as well.

Somehow, I get this feeling that there will be a change in my character as well. So far I have been quite a happy-go-lucky person and a joker to a large extent. It would be nice, for a change, to be serious for once. No more slapstick humour and playful antics. No more pranks and fits of irritation. I guess it will be hard really. Being jovial has always been a central part of my character. So much so that I can't help but crack jokes and make funny when around friends.

However, I feel its about time i toned it all down a few notches. It will be tough. It will even seem impossible to sit there with a sickass joke at the tip of my tongue just waiting to jump out and trying to swallow it down but it has to be done.

I just hope and pray that I do not become a bitter person out of all of this. Then again, it is a risk I have to take.

*edited*