The Last Goodbye

Promise me that you will hold my hand
As I transit from this world to the next

Whisper sweet nothings into my ear
Before my hearing starts to fails me

Smile that soulful loving smile
Before my vision starts to blur

Caress my face with your beautiful hair
And thrill my nostrils with your sweet scent

Moist my dry cracking lips
With that sweet kiss of yours

Quicken my heart like you always do
Before the beat fades away

Don't cry, and touch my face
We have no time for tears

Remember me one last time
Before Time and Death swallows me

Hold me in your embrace
Just as I slip out of yours

A Face In The Crowd

Why do I feel alone
As I blend seamlessly
Into the crowd of thousands that surround me.

My bag is slung over my shoulder,
Weighing like a burden of countless generations.

Liberation is felt with pain.
Salvation is experienced with guilt
And, elation when drowned in misery.

Am I bereft of emotion
Devoid of sanity
Whilst feeling lonely in this faceless company.

Those days....

Afternoon naps can cause sleeplessness at night. Some of you folks may go "Duh!". However there are moments when the apparent and the obvious slips through the gaps of our conciousness and awareness. So it never hurt to hear the obvious once in awhile.

I remember a time when I used to sleep well at night. I would hit the sack at 10am and wake at 5am during my upper secondary school days. I would then take the torturous 1 hour journey aboard the chilly air-conditioned Bus 147 to school. And yet, I would start each school day bright, chirpy and full of smiles while blokes who live closer to school will enter the compound with a slouch in their frame and sleep starved faces.

I still remember those days fondly when I used to bug Shermann early in the morning reminding him of his so-called self-invented (self being myself) scandals and making wild motions to spill the beans on him should he choose to break the pact made between us. Then there was the usual session of laughing at whatever antics Faiz would conjure up each day. That bloke was effortlessly and unconciously full of surprises.

There was also the talk of football and of my beloved Manchester United. Glory Glory Man United. My class used to evade history tests by singing the chant of the Champions (during those days, Man United was invincible) to our History teacher who looked more like the Potato Man from Toy Story, with the glasses and moustache.

Life was at its peak in secondary school. I was young, foolish, persistent, immature, emotional and naive. Not to mention being a Morning person. Soccer and scrabble was life to me whilst the other blokes were chasing skirts next door. I had my fair share of female trouble, 2 to be precise. A modest sum judging by my outlook and appearance. When I browse through my secondary school photos, I realize that I kinda belong in a different era. Mainly the 70s and 80s with my tight ultra-short shorts and a pathetic excuse of an afro hairstyle. Hahaha!

Yet in all. Life was simple. It was never complex. You came to school. Played your soccer. Engage in the daily dose of goofing. Stare at the babes of secondary school. Have the usual bustups and run-ins with racism. And then you head back home, hoping for the night to pass quickly so you can be back at school again the next day.

Things definitely changed rather drastically once the O level results were out. The magic that was once secondary school was quickly dispelled as people went about their seperate ways. From that point on, there was no turing back from the usual process of growing up. Somehow, secondary school had this timeless ability to freeze time so that the 4 years looked like a chapter from a magical book. Time froze as we lived our lives sheltered from whatever we face today.

After secondary school, Time just accelerated to make up for the timelessness of secondary school life. Somehow, I do not know what I have lost along the way. I am no longer the morning person I used to be. My scrabble board is collecting dust in a corner of my room. Things aren't as black and white as it used to be. I have become to efficent with the changes after secondary school that somehow, I have lost the ability to recognise what I used to hold dear in secondary school.

It is a time forever lost in memories.

Now whevever I am sleepless at night, I cannot help but travel back to "those good old days" and try to unlock the secret of happiness in my early teenage years. Now and then, I see glimpses, only to be snatched away by memory and forever locked away at the back of my head.

Maybe its time that I move on and create a new era of timelessness with the moments that i do possess.

Maybe....maybe....maybe....

Farewell Rex and Hello School

I just felt that the Rex saga should be given a fitting conclusion. It seemed to be hanging after a rather emotional second episode. Almost felt like "Empire Strikes Back" of Star Wars. Nevertheless an episode of Ed provided the much needed inspiration I needed to finish the concluding ep.

*Farewell Rex*

The Rex and the prey have a special relationship. The cycle that binds them together is not something unnatural and with choice. It is a relationship mooted in Nature. Fate it seems, draws these two together.

Nothing much more can be said about the Rex and the prey. The conclusion is going to be short and precise. The curveball will be hurled and as the reader you will have to interprete whatever that is written abt the Rex.

The prey does not seek the Rex because it is dumb or it has just simply relaxed into the course of nature and fate. It does not seek the Rex simply because it needs excitement in its life, drawn irrevocably into a web of danger and mayhem.

It seeks and allows the Rex into its life because it is safe. Safe because that the prey already knows the outcome of its relationship with the Rex. It draws on the comfort that is provided by the fact that the prey already knows what is eventually going to happen.

The prey continues to accomdate its relationship with the Rex simply because it is afraid of the other unpredictable kind of relationships present in its life. Fear of change and new courses in life is something inherent in nature. Yet it is the way of life and we all have to face it.

Goodbye Rex. I will surely miss you...

*End*

Hello School,

The new skl year is going to start soon and I am already halfway through the Bidding system also known as CORS. 3 modules chosen and 2 more to go during the upcoming Rd 2. Year 2 will definitely begin with a fresh start as new friends become old and the rest of them thrown straight into the dustbin of life and I hope never to associate myself with them again. Thank you very much. A couple of days spent at the matric fair gave me a glimpse of all the fine ladies that will be coming into Nus in the coming school year.

Can't Wait! *Rubs hands vigourously*

Hahahahaha!

Peace Out y'all!

Rex Loves You and misses You....

This week has been a week of misses and has given me much inspiration to write a sequel to Rex and I. Abit of frustration here and alittle bit there and when u shake it all about, its a whole load of headache and major frustration.

First up, my running has been severely impaired with my shins. They ache after abit of running and it is with sheer physical force that I have to apply to make those runs. I have been giving it abit of the ice-hot water treatment to lessen the clots on my shins. It has gotten abit better but guess therez quite abit to go.

Another miss was when Starworld did not show ED on tuesday. Instead they screened rockstar inxs for like a few days in a row. Fuck lah... I want my ED. I need my dose of ED! i did not wait one week for it just to see tt dick Dave Navarro bugger....and u cheat my goddamn bloody feelings! Bastards....

At least I had A Team to watch in the mornings.

Thursday soccer is coming and I hope some manjan fellas turn up to get killed on the court. I am really in a crazy killing mood now. I am not gonna spare u dickheads any mercy. I see you with the ball in my zone, you better pass the ball before i come rushing to collect ur hiney for my wall collection. And dun "Hey BLO oooh oooh" me. I will fucking kill you. A special warning to that PRC bastard who headbutted me on my nose a couple of weeks back. I am gonna destroy you even if u are a head taller than me. You bastard... You are freaking dead u asshole... You better call in straits times for an advance booking on your obituary! You have a Mad Tiger on ur tail, you stinking pig!

ok that felt good....

Now to the story of the Rex.

I have mentioned that the Rex will kill you no matter what. Here's an interesting twist to the tale. The Rex actually loves his prey and misses it sometimes. Sounds crazy right but hey its true. There are souls in this world who actually believe that the Rex is capable of such emotion and sentiment. They believe in the Rex so much that God has to bless their souls.

The Rex will tear through its prey but will leave its prey with a shred of life left in it. Then the Rex leaves its prey (or the remains of it) and goes off. Why leave it alive?

Simple.

The prey will pick itself, piece its life together and will start to get on with life, taking each day slowly and painfully to recover. Its a long road for the prey mind you. Soon enough the prey will have recovered almost fully with a few scars left to show. It resumes its life, but there is a displacement left in the life of the prey, namely the time it took to recover.

And guess what? The Rex returns. It has gotten bored with the other prey and has come to tear this prey again. Just for old time's sake. The leopard will nvr change its spots and the rex will never ever have clean teeth cuz it has changed its diet to vegetables, plants and greens. It will forever be blood stained and reeking of all the pain and torture it has wreaked in its history. And it has come to repeat this history with the prey.

What does the prey do? Hope and pray. Miss and reminisce.

O Look and behold... The Rex is charging at you. Danger! Help! Run!

But no. The prey stays. It hopes that the rex is rushing towards it to say sorry and that it had started to mend its ways. It is gonna give the prey roses, chocolates and a hug saying that everything will be different and alright! The prey believes in the apparent good of the Rex.

The Rex has changed. Its good now. More than a friend can ever be.

Somebody switch on the bedlight. The prey hasn't woken up from its dreams again. It cannot tell the difference from reality and dreams these days. The time displacement during its recovery stage has done its mental damage. There is no turning back now. There is no moving on now. Its is a vicious cycle and the prey will not be able to tell that time is passing. Everything will be at a standstill. Playing and replaying till the end of its days.

And the rex is licking its bloody lips. Its meal time!

Rex and I

Judging by the time that I am typing this, you can probably imagine that there is nothing in my cranium but air. I do not know what is keeping me up so I have decided to pen me thoughts here in the attempt to lull myself to sleep.

I wanted to talk about a creature of prehistoric times. The Tyrannosaurus Rex. Yes you heard me right. I am going to talk about a dinosaur also fondly known as the T-Rex.

The Rex is a fearsome creature of 4 limbs though it only moves about on its hind legs. It is a fearsome and ferocious carnivore almost unmatched in its ability for destruction amongst the dino kind. You could probably hear it screaming and snorting a mile away but the victim will not run till it is in sight. It is hard to outrun the Rex once it is in sight and the moment you are caught in its target sights, you are dead meat.

Sometimes in the face of danger, the prey is transfixed in its state of doom. It just stands there gripped in motionless terror as the rex approaches. There is a brief moment of panic before the prey settles to its fate. The prey then allows itself to get devoured by the Rex which will then leave the remains behind.

The prey knows the rex and the way the Rex does things. Yet the prey allows it to happen. From a practical point of view, its dumb. You hear danger you run. You see something that is gonna make your life miserable, you just avoid it. But Noooooo!

The prey stays and lets it happen. I guess the prey probably thinks that this time around the Rex is just going to have tea with it and reminsce the good old days when life forms were just micro cellular. Or maybe the rex is going to appreciate the fine weather. Nevertheless the outcome is simple. The Rex was going to eat you. It was engineered to eat you and there is no way the Rex was going to have tea with you and settle for marble cake instead to go with the tea.

OK maybe the normal folks who know me will think that I might have gone bonkers this time around. Maybe I have.

But to the few friends I do have, maybe bonkers is an understatement.

Go figure the symbolism... Peace Out!

ED season 2 is back!!

Hey folks,

A Wednesday then pretty much came and went. I woke up at nine to do the laundry, wash up and have breakfast before settling down on the couch for 2 hours watching a couple of TV dramas back to back. I crashed on the sofa before dad came out to chase me into my room. Slept till 4pm and awoke as my bro returned home from school. I pulled the clothes out and folded them. Made some tea and went for a 5km jog around the neighbourhood thereafter. Came back home and punished myself with some static exercises.

After a nice long cold shower, I have settled back on the couch. A nice day I suppose. Peaceful and slow.

Anyway, today’s entry is about the return of ED on TV. Yes all you ED fans out there, u heard me right. Ed season 2 is out on starworld picking up from where Bonnie crashes back into Ed’s life as he was about to give Carol that fateful much awaited (season long might I add) kiss.

It’s on every Tuesdays, 8pm on Star World. For those who have no idea what ED is all about, go find out more about it on NBC.com. You will enjoy it if you are the quirky, witty sort with a sad existence for a life like me. Hahaha! Anyway I know it’s kinda late telling you folks about it now but you can probably catch it still during the weekend. Do check your tv listings during the weekend if u do intend to catch it.

One thing I like about the ED show is that there is a moral of the story kind of concept in each episode. In this episode, it ties in with one of my beliefs in life. That a person plays a part in everything that happens in his life. One can blame anything and everything (even fate) in the happenings in one’s life but that person has to claim some responsibility to it as well. I believe that is the mark of true maturity and responsible behaviour. So before you start pointing fingers elsewhere about something that has happened in your life recently, do take a timeout and wonder about the role u played in it as well.

Ed quotes Shakespeare in a closing statement on court towards the end of the episode which sums up the episode very aptly.

“The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in the stars but in ourselves”

Enjoy the week ahead folks…

Trains and Jokers

Trains and Jokers….

Ever heard the saying “when it rains it pours.” ? There should be addition to that line, so that it will go something like,

“When it rains, it pours; when it’s dry, it burns”

I had a vision in my head recently. A mental picture of myself standing at the train station, panting and watching balefully as the train departs. It was a disturbing thought yet poignant. It left me thinking thereafter that a joker is a fool.

He prances about the court with his jokes and smiles. Yet is the joker really happy? Or is his smile that of one that hides a heavy heart?

It’s weird that such thoughts are running through my head. Then again, it’s also weird that Life can be so complex, yet so simple. One can go “Life’s good”, “Life sucks” and ‘Life is strange” in the same breath.

Bottomline is simple. I missed the train. And the station is empty.

June is done... Oh wait... theres July!

Heya folks...

A month of holidays have come and gone. I have spent the weekend looking at my bro pack up and readying himself for skl while I laze about wishing it was me who's getting ready for skl. I look at my calendar and realise therez a month and a half left.

Hahaha!

That is not to say I had a torrid holiday so far. Its been nice. A week of reservist gave me the opportunity to see some of the old army buddies. I have been running and going to the gym which requires me to be in school for as often as during term time. Been watching good movies on the big screen especially Batman begins which was a splendid movie! Been seeing friends around NUS.

I really have nothing much to say these days. Don't know why. Like after all the rump in the previous months, things have finally quietened down to a level I most appreciate these days. Like a huge wicked wave had just washed over me and I am left floating on a calm blue sea. Things in life seem much clearer to me now although decisions abt the future seem unclear at the moment. That can await when the day for it comes. Till then I am living in the now, free and liberated from the chains and shackles of life.

July will be a good month. I can feel it...

The holidays have begun *snore*

Hey folks...

Its June. The month of holidays for students of all ages. As I sit and type this at the usual transition period of one day to another, I realise I am having quite abit of a headache.

Reservist came and went. A week of catching up with the boys. I have to admit I kinda missed the blokes that I spent 2 years of my life with. The camp and the bunks, the smells and sounds of the jungle and the occasional swear words. Not to mention the lullaby of the mosquitoes. Hahaha!

Earned about 290 bux for my troubles of donning the green suit but it was more than worth it. Reservist action is far different from the Active days. Less tekan and more work done although there is the usual "rush to wait, wait to rush" system still in place.

Came back from reservist and I went out to watch Star Wars Episode 3 again, this time with my bro and mum. Its not really usual for young punks like my bro and I to bring our mummy along to town but it was a fun experience. I have to admit that mum had come out of her shell and now has started to watch soccer and the usual sci fi flick with my bro and I. We have even planned to watch Batman together in a few weeks time.

The boring old holidays have begun and I am already starting to yawn. I missed school so much that I actually browsed through the Modules listing webby to shortlist the modules I wanted to take for my major and the rest of my 2 years. I even organised it under a Word.doc so that I will not have to browse again.

Rolled with my bro again to town to shop. My bro was excited after his latest buys on yahoo auctions. He snagged the episode 3 darth vader and grievous toys and was excited to get a few more toys. I also took the opportunity to get some glue and paint for my han solo model I get frm shermann as a bday present.

Spent the whole evening working on the han solo model and i have to say that it looks horrible and wonderful all at the same time. Maybe its because I have not finished it yet. ok the headache just gt worse. And I have been feeling under the weather lately since the end of reservist.

Gonna hit the sack now... Another boring day awaits...

Star Wars, ICS and Reservist

A week to go before reservist....

Somehow the thought of going to reservist makes me feel like an old man. For a period in my life prior to NS, I have always catergorized Reservist as something only old men went for. I remember the days when i used to see my old man pack his stuff for his reservist days. Now, I am going for it.

Somehow, events such as these remind me that I am growing and slowly merging into the mainstream singaporean society. No longer is my world just confined to home and school. It has expanded irrevocably into other areas of society. Even ICS has brought me to places that I have never thought of going towards....

Moving to other issues, its time to rant and rave about the latest Star wars movie that I watched with my younger bro. ROTS is a ROCK SOLID show. I can find a couple of complaints here and there about the movie but clearly the movie has gone beyond my expectations. The Clone Wars and the Jedi Purges were something that I only read about in the EU books. To see the visual representation of those events was simply awesome. The lightsaber fights were awesome and the grandeur about the whole show was simply breath taking as well....

I SIMPLY LOVE IT!

Watching ROTS has given the added urge to return to the books. I realise that I actually miss reading star wars books. It has been awhile no doubt. Time to get back to em books....

FA cup final came and went. United lost despite dominating the match and almost defeating arsenal for the 4th time this season. In a way I am glad that they lost. It should give them enough of a kick in the butt to work harder next season... It had been a dismal season for United to say the least.

ICS camp kathiroli has just woken up from the dead and is up and running. Being the PD for the camp means tonnes of planning to do and as it is... things are snowballing. Then again, nothing is perfect in life and I do know that I have to roll with what I have got. It should not be a problem really. I have been in ICS long enough not to get stressed over such things.

More to come I am sure...

Lonely No More...

Song of de-day: (Yup u guessed it) Lonely No More by Rob Thomas....
Just a quick update on today’s events….

It was another Friday of soccer and gym with the guys. Holidays have officially started for me although I saw a few people mugging for exams on Bus 151. Poor Bastards! Hahaha!

Hit the gym first with pardeep and shermann before we made our way to the soccer court. We started playing an hour later as some of the blokes were late. Typical Indians…. Its ok, I have punctuality problems as well.

I guess today has surfaced some thoughts for me. I am always talking about life. I mean, that’s what blogging is all about. You talk about your life and your take on life in general. I am certain that I have talked much about life in general several times on my blog. I have shared my beliefs and values. Sometimes, its just plain ranting and raving about certain things and just moaning and whining about the rest.

I have always told people that good things are meant to be shared and the bad things released through the written word, these days it’s the electronic word. I write about the bad on my blog and I share the good with my pals. A simple exercise of routine in life.

I always believed that things happen for a reason. One need not know or understand the reason, they just have to accept that it exists. I have espoused this to many around me. Its one of the beliefs I use to explain the happenings around me. Yet, being the practical jackass that I am, I cannot follow what I preach sometimes. I need to know the reasons sometimes. Well, most of the time actually.

This leads to an enormous amount of thinking on my part. If a person can find about 3 angles to a situation, I can name 7. That is how much I think about stuff sometimes. Call me crazy, paranoid or just plain silly. That’s just me.

Somehow, the gray areas have gotten their parameters extended today. I realize I have come to accept that the bad happens for the good. In another perspective, the bad had to take place so that good can take place. It’s like lex luthor telling superman that the reason that superman is good is because lex luthor counter balances him by being bad. So does the bad become good and the good becomes a consequence?

A very interesting and disturbing concept to digest for some most definitely. Somehow, this concept has offered me peace and salvation during the past turbulent month. I have come to realize and accept that we cannot plainly condemn the bad just because it’s bad and not to relish in the good just because it’s good. Blame it on the historian in me but I have developed this habit of analyzing and making sense of the connection between past events and current happenings.

Like all things in life, we cannot wholly believe in one concept. We are humans afterall and hope is our greatest strength and weakness. We hope each day, everyday, for something. Be it material or intangible. And we wait for it, sometimes patiently or we act rashly during other times.

Another thing that I pondered about today was this whimsical thing called love. Yeah I know I have talked about love on countless occasions but this time the burden was lesser to bear. In a sense that it does not really matter whether one is single or not. It’s about believing that we get what we deserve.

I have always tried to answer the question of whether I will find that true love. Then it evolved into me accepting the fact that I could be a bachelor for the rest of my life. We can be content with what we have in life. Think of it like a jigsaw puzzle. We have most of the pieces to be content with. Yet, for a single guy, that one missing piece glares at u. It’s like the more pieces u have, the more the empty ones will make themselves felt. Its true in the sense that having numerous missing pieces means that you have more to worry about but less on each piece. Having one missing piece alone can be more damaging to a certain extent.

I guess that is why, at one point in my life, I cannot really be happy although I know I should be happy. Practically there is much to be content with but emotionally, I am lacking a vital piece of my life. I am past that stage now and I look back at that time with a smile on my face. The significance of that period still stays within me as a legacy, yet I have grown stronger to accept that we have to live with the missing pieces because they are missing for a reason which we must develop our own understanding towards.

It is a bad that has to take place. To think of it from another angle, we all know that as humans, we are not perfect. One has to give way for something else to come into our lives. Now, I know what I am missing in my life and what I do have in my life. The question is that if I do get what I am missing in my life, what will be sacrificed for it, since sometimes we don’t have a choice in what happens to us? Will I be able to accept the sacrifice or will the cost be too great in comparison to the benefits of the acquisition of the “missing” piece?

The bottomline is that reasons are vital to us in explaining life. We cannot just sit back and accept the reasoning that reasons exist and we have to accept them despite not understanding them. The formation of our beliefs and values stems from our understanding of the reasons in life. And they constantly undergo change and modification as we grow through life. To know and realize something new everyday and forming our own opinions about it is simply what makes life wonderful. To me at least.

In a way, I am denouncing - partially - that we need not understand the reasons and to only accept their existence. However, we have to form our own understanding of the reasons in our life and believe in them. We should not look at the bad in our lives as something plain and evil. Think of the consequences of the bad things that happen in our lives and learn the lessons that it brings. We should realize that most of the lessons we learn in life comes from the bad. If not, we will never learn our lessons.

Lastly, I am not espousing my ideals as a model for others to follow. I will not dare presume that what happened in my life prescribes to the events of another. I can only offer what experiences I have had and it’s up to you to apply appropriately to your life, if it does apply in the first place. In the end, we live our own lives.

May-Hem

Well the month of May is finally here...

A few updates on my Life on this fateful day....

I just completed 2 papers so far. SSA1201 and a HY2241. Both papers were quite ok. Give me a couple more days to revise and i reckon I will still do the papers like how i did.... In other words no regrets. I got couple of HY papers on tuesday and a stupid gen bio paper b4 the my first year in NUS comes to a close. It only seemed like yesterday that I just rolled into NUS after spending 2 and a half long years in NS.

I don't really wanna go through a review of this semester. All I can say it was one helluva ride on and off the academic course. I cannot really ascertain how to look at it. Its truly been a rollercoaster. I am just glad the excitement has finally died down and things are back to normal. Academically, it was a vast leap from last sem's mishaps. Although this sem was not up to scratch, it was definitely better than the last.

Come May 30, will be my first reservist outing. Just got word that we will hit the ground running with 2 outfield exercises, an IPPT test and a route march. Quite heavy for a 5 day outing. Then again, I've been through worse back during my active days. It will be back to exercising and a day to Beach Road to get some essential items for my Fieldpack right after exams. No kick lah! Hahahaha!

I also did the online booking for tickets for Star Wars episode 3. It will be at GV Bishan at 3.50pm on May19. The first of many Star Wars episode 3 Movie viewings at the theatre. It is a ritual for me to watch trilogies with my brother. Then again, its been awhile since I had some Tee-time with my bro.

A few shoutouts before I end.

To Pardeep: Thanks for being my study buddy these few days at law Library. Not to mention those FlyBys at yih. Hahaha! Just let me know if u need a certain individual beaten up. I will make sure I.... CHECK HIM.... *slams right fist into open left palm* All de best for ur paper this coming wednesday. Props!

To Shermann: Eh bastard. Thanks for the good times and the bad this sem. I am just glad that stuff has come back to the normal frequency. I do miss our seth-ryan times in NUS and i guess it will be even more tuffer now that u got the extra person in your life. And yes I am talking about Bulb! LOL! okok Just kidding! Wanna wish ya all the best in ur papers ahead. Go get em Tiger!

To the rest of my pals who do check in on my blog now and then, Hope all is fine and take care of urselves. Have fun and Godbless...See you folks soon...

May the Force be with y'all....

A Fresh Start

Today I woke up, thinking to myself, its time I got a haircut...

Yet getting a haircut was not just an act of self maintenance. There was something different about this one. It symbolised a fresh start for me...

As I was heading to school today, I thought about the whole thing thing and it finally hit me. My consciousness finally caught up with my sub-conscious.

I am done grieving. Done feeling bad about myself. Done feeling guilty about things I should not be feeling guilt about. Done being patronised by people I thought who were my friends. I finally felt that its time I finally (and physically) moved on with my life. That was what a simple haircut and shave has done to me today. To physically realise that I am getting back to myself.

And in a way, I finally feel liberated and ultimately happy. Somehow, all the loose ends have been tied and I have finally pulled myself out of all that tangle of political intrigues and issues. Having that huge beard, afro-like hair and that whole dishevelled look about me just made people around me pity me. In a way, I wanted that. I was wracked with self-pity for quite sometime.

I learnt that most people do not care. So why should i? I feel that today I started throwing that truckload of obligations I have been stuffed with out the window. Have I become opportunistic?

Definitely not. To become one is not to return to my old self. I guess, its all about working for a worthy cause and doing things that I feel is worth my time and effort. If i do not see you in my "guest list" then just go and take a hike, I do not really need to bother.

Prakticality is back in the building....

The Jigsaw puzzle we call Life....

They say Life is like a jigsaw puzzle. Each day, u see a piece. Sometimes u see the significance of each piece. Sometimes, you do not even notice that you are in possession of one. Days go by, and the pieces accumulate. Some days, you will lose some pieces. Sometimes, you gain back the possession of the lost pieces. Out of mere coincidence, you will find yourself in epiphany. You will start to realize the picture out of the pieces you have.

Even then, humans as we are, we doubt the picture we see before us. Or we foolishly misinterpret the picture we see. Frustrating as it may be, we rush into conclusions, eager for a quick solution. Maybe, we have waited too long. Maybe, just maybe, we felt that it was time.

There is never a lack of time, only a loss of it. Each day, each hour, each minute, each second, we breathe and exhale the air around us that we can never see till the day we die. Yet, its importance we realize the moment we are born. That is the only wisdom we possess.

I have always believed that Life was in balance. And whatever imbalances we see reflects on our ignorance. We try to be content with our lives with what we have. Yet no one but ourselves will know that we seek greater things, things that are never within our reach. Such is the curse and gift of Man. We say many words. We do not mean most of them but to others they mean the world to them. Such is the curse and gift of Man.

At times we find ourselves waiting for something. Waiting for someone. We sit, our hands on our chins, gazing at the nothing before us. Hoping for something familiar to appear before us that will bring a small smile to our hearts. To relieve the strain placed by grief. And we wait, as time goes by. Unnoticed by all, least of all, by us.

Why is one guilty of something he has no fault in? Why the berating of conscience over things that is beyond our control?

Laughs
Echoes of times long gone
Empty convictions in its tone

Tears
Vessels of our pain
Symbols of feelings slain

Stares
Devoid of any emotion
Blurred by tears in motion.

Insanity is not a state of the mind
Or any other of its kind.
It is merely the thought so bright
That keeps me company at night.

Why fight when none believe in it?
Why the enthusiasm when none share in it?
Why believe when faithlessness is all you see?
Selflessness has walked out of the door, I must agree.

Knock on my door and I will answer.
Don’t expect me to constantly look through my peephole,
To see whether you are coming.
For I shall not expect and be the loser.

Heroes and Lost causes

I learn something new everyday. Things that I have learnt in the past might have changed in the days of new. Sometimes there are reaffirmations that stay consistent through the times of past, present and future. Today was no different. Today was another day of another lesson.

In these times when laughs are echoes of memories long gone and feelings a thing of the past, there are things make me smile ruefully. I have learnt today that despite all the cynicism and pessimism disguised as realism that i possess, I am in actual fact, a believer in lost causes. But when the cause starts to succeed, I walk quietly away into the sunset.... seeking the lonesome that once held me close to its bosom.

Today was Vaanavil. An event NUS ICS organised. An NUS ICS that I am very much proud of. When I joined, we were nothing much. Some newbies. Others, seniors who had a bad year previously. As we sat thru the first few meetings, there was a clean slate and promise of good things to come. Today, we were truly something. The event was a testament to that. Yuva was not a one-off.... this was much better. Suddenly ICS is no longer a lost cause. Suddenly we are somewhere.

People left us during the bad times. People joined us during the good times. Yet, to the 14 who still stayed together through thick and thin in the committe from the start till now and till the very end.... To commit to something knowing that you will not get anything tangible in return. To toil for something knowing its going to get you nothing monetary or fame in return. That is truly something. Something that is absent in the society of today. I love everyone of u guys. To me , you guys are heroes...

Now, where do i stand? The lost cause is no more... Is this the cue for me to walk off into the sunset? Coincidentally, I have reached the day when I enter into isolation. What will I become when I emerge from it? Or will I ever emerge?

Only Time will tell....Time heals all... and changes all....

Isolation has arrived.

Strength in Arms...

There are times when a couple of people can get me down. There are times when my own strength fails me. There are times when practicality forsakes me. There are times when reason and logic escapes me. There are times when my ideals elude me. Moments like these create a pressure too great to bear. Its like bein cornered against a wall with no will to fight and with no desire to perservere. Its times like these when the strength of Men fail.

However, when all is lost, we fail to see where the dimmest of light remains. Where the barest of hope remains, fleeting in its nature, whimsical in its presence. Yet it hangs there before you, willing u to pursue it... daring u to fight your way from the wall....

In the Art of War, Sun Tzu says that the enemy who fights the hardest are those who know they have no way out and that they have nothing to lose.

Indeed for me, recovery was not borne with my strength alone but with the strength of others. The people around you, willing to offer you a hand or two to help you up and going the distance with u as u try to pick yourself up. We do things as there are reasons behind it. Motivations that propel us to our actions.

Selflessness always has a price to pay. Nobody said being a good guy was easy. My dad always told me heroes die first. I guess sometimes, we have to be willing not to expect anything, and even expect to lose something as well when u sacrifice for others. The prize?

A satisfaction that only you alone experience at having done something worth remembering in life. I am glad for the people around me who offer me the support and comfort that has helped me find my feet in these trying times... I have learnt a painful lesson that growing is a constant stage and will never forsake us. There will always be people who will hurt you, and there are those whom you can depend on in times of need. The world is not necessarily a cruel one. If it was, there will not be a Gandhi, Mother Theresa or Marthin Luther King...

There is a God in every one of us... We seek this inner spirituality through many means. However, we never realise that sometimes the simplest of intentions and deeds can bring out the smile in others. We can touch people in ways we may not always be aware of, but at the end of the day, you have to be truthful to yourself.

As I look upon ICS now, I believe I have made a difference. I have made an impact in some lives w/o expecting anything but the inner satisfaction of making that difference. I know I will go the distance when I am given the reason to. And right now, I have found it in the form of my real friends who were there to help me climb out of the misery I knowingly placed myself in...

2 more days to Isolation...

But the journey does not seem too dark anymore as I proceed towards the light in the tunnel. Brings me back to that poem I wrote during my secondary school days...

Loneliness:

I lie awake
For no one's sake
I could not sleep
As my thought ran deep
I asked myself why
As I started to cry
That my luck was rotten
And I was forgotten
But the sobbing stopped
As up a thought cropped
That I need not fear
As Loneliness was here....

Loneliness II : Never Alone

The Quiet reigned through empty space
Engulfing all in a sweeping grace
But I stood still
Letting the emptiness fill

My aching body yearns
For thru Life I have learnt
That nothing is what they seem
My carefully tailored heart torn at the seams

And there was nothing left for me
For the end was all I could see
Suddenly I was bathed in light
Somehow in response to mt plight

An angel descended from the sky
Urging me to come to her and fly
With trembling fingers, I touched her hand
And soon we started to ascend

Away from all the misery and gloom
which had spelt my certain doom
I turned and admired her beauty
She turned and gave me a smile so pretty

But as suddenly as she had appeared
She left me and had disappeared
And I was back in reality
My neighbourhood surrounding me

I was finally home
A day as bright as chrome
I whispered to myself in an assured tone
That I will be.... Never Alone....


P.S. Thank you angels.... =)

Happy Birthday Bena...

Just wanna say Happy Birthday to one of the sweetest gals I know in my life. Actually she is the sweetest by far! So yeah... Happy Birthday Bena...

Started the day rather badly when I woke up late. IN fact, I have to count myself lucky to even wake up at 6.10am as I had not set alarm the night before and actually had the cheek to crash at 9pm. I fired up my computer only to realise that the mouse was not working. I restarted the com but to no avail. So much for printing my history notes for that day.

I rushed about my house and had to endure Class 95 whilst washing up. Don't ask why Class 95 was playing when I am usually a Perfect 10 listener. A verbal war began in the kitchen between my mum and bro, to which i responded to my increasing the volume of my radio in the toilet.

I quickly ran through the contents of my bag and blasted out of home only to realise (AGAIN) that I have not signed my RESERVIST acknowledgment letter. Yes folks, I am going for reservist training on May 30 to June 3. I was at the ground floor of my block when the realisation hit me. So it was back up to my flat, tolerate my mum's irritation at my forgetfulness and left the house in a calm fashion. So much for being on time for my 8am lecture.

Lecture was rather dull as well. Dubois was rather moody. Shermann was not in town. I was not in the mood for a chat with bounce who was in her usual spot across the LT. After lect, i walked out towards the forum and called shivani. She just reached school. We met along the corridor and found a bench so that I can write my piece on bena's card. I then irritated Shivani for not bringing the camera. It would have been more memorable if she had brought it.

We decided to take the sheltered route (more like she demanded it to avoid the Sun) and came across the Hindu Society Notice Board. I could not help but take a jab at shivani when I demanded we stop and admire Rita Rai's picture on the board. As Shivani started pointing excitedly at Rita's picture, I remarked that Rita's face was the first beautiful face I have seen that day. That provoked (rather expectantly might I add) a violent response from shivani. She literally turned sharply and yelled at me (in the playful sort of course). Good thing I stood a couple of steps from her or I would have gotten a few blows as well. Hahaha! Gd 'ol Roy!

We ran into Bena at the YIH canteen. Shivani distracted her by forcing her to buy a few cups of tea whilst I rushed to the end of the canteen to set up the marble-cum-birthday cake, with candles and a pink "Happy birthday sign". The look on bena's face was worth all the effort. Besides shivani and me knew that Bena was worth it even b4 embarking on such a task. After a rather "spirited" birthday song, Bena cut the cake and we soon settled into a midday tea time with tea and cake. Works all the time...

We spent the nex hour just chatting about stuff and the future of ICS, apparently Shivani wants to be secretary and me her vice... Hahahahaha! Trying to take a jab at my "typical male" ego eh?

The day pretty much went as per normal. Ran into VJ and Tahira, and kailing soon after. Then at 1pm we went to Engine canteen to get lunch and at 2pm, Shivani and I went for our lect (w/o Lavania as usual.... no surprises..)

I also got a call from this gal called Aseena from TKGS in regards to the camp. She was asking how many of them can come over and whether they can share the same rooms... I told her I could not guarantee anything except for the fact that all of the campers will be situated in the same hostel. I guess there is cause for some celebration as this is the first response ICS has gotten since we sent out the letters about 18 days ago... I hope there will be more...

Other than that... I have to say I am pretty much on the road to emotional recovery after the trying weekend I had. I cannot help but feel that certain relations have been strained due to the latest developments. I just wanna say to all those affected, whether they are aware or not, that I have absolutely nothing against you people. Like I have said earlier, the fault is all mine and as such the burden is mine to bear. The changes I am going through now is something I have to go through to prevent further harm that I have inflicted upon myself during the past few weeks.

All I want to say is that sometimes I want my pals, (especially the closer ones) to be outright honest and specific about what they feel and tell me straight. Don't say one thing and do another. Cuz that throws me into uncharted waters. I cannot help what I felt over the past few days and as such do not let it affect you fellas. In the end, its a road I alone have to travel....

Then again, I do know that you guys will pretty much do your own thing regardless of what happens to me... Life goes on, I pretty much have to tell myself. Sometimes I get this conceited idea that the world sometimes revolves around me at times. Friends get into tussles over things they promise themselves never to get into. Sometimes over a gal, sometimes over an idea or an issue. One thing I have learnt that the reason I am more of a thinker that someone who is emotional is because I am emotionally weak. I cannot take emotional blows that easily. Every blow is a fatal one for me. That is why I create this mental barrier to deflect such situations, to protect my inner core. However, the ones closest to me, the ones who are inside this barrier can cause the most harm.

I cannot help but think of Return of the Jedi, when the emperor says to Luke that his greatest weakness is his faith in his friends. Indeed, My closest friends are my greatest strength and my most fatal weakness... As I have realised that in the past few days, as humans we are prone to mistakes and even among friends as well.

4 more days to Isolation.

Isolation...Here I come...

A week to go before i slip into the enforced isolation I was proposing earlier. Already, there are signs that are pushing me deeper into the eventuality that I was readying myself for. Just as the weekend was coming to a decent ending, I had been dealt a blow that I cannot fully classify under. Right now, I am left wonderng about a great many things and filled with frustrations that only a hundred questions with no answers can bring.

Never have i thought a year ago, when I was entering NUS, that i would face the situation that I am facing now. I have always taken great pains not to slip into the situation I am facing now but here I am, clutching at my aching heart and with no one to blame but myself. Why does my heart ache so much, I cannot really comprehend. I face a situation in which my brain just cannot agree with my heart. I am being pulled in directions that I cannot resist.

Should I run? Should I hide? Should I continue feeling sorry for myself when I truly know that none of my considerations is going to help me. I am human and I cannot help but feel the way I feel now. I have no one to blame but myself.

I keep telling myself that I am exaggerating, that I should pick myself up before I sink beyond the point of no return. Yet, I am numb and sub conciously, I want to sink further down and see what the bottom holds in store for me. A fatal curiosity grips me now, I am almost on auto pilot with no real motivation to push myself in the opposite direction. I have tried to sleep the feeling off but I am cursed with sleeplessness.

Then again.... Life goes on, I suppose. Time never stops still for people like me. It mercilessly presses on till I am just a page in the annals of Time. Practicality has failed me in my moment of need. I just hope the week comes to a close soon. I want to stand upon the coming sunday and breathe a sigh of relief...

The Liberation of the Soul

I have read it in the newspapers that Singaporeans are very hive minded people and that it is very rare to spot a singaporean sitting alone having a drink or lunch for that matter. The writer then went on to argue that sometimes doing things on your own can be a liberating experience. When I initially read it, i scoffed at the idea. Now, however, i am beginning to see the wisdom in that argument.

I feel that i have reached a point in life in which i am growing sick and tired of people. Somehow things are coming into perspective in explaining why i have been such a loner at times in my life thus far. Yeah sure, i have my bros to have my back and a few friends to confide in with but I have never been in the company of this many people in my life before NUS. The first sem was not too bad. This sem, however, it just went overboard

Perhaps the thing that bugged me the most (and still does) is the politics that is involved with the relationships that form between people. There are literally webs of relationships strewn around linking a mass of people together, each link being as unique as the other. However as i plod through each day, becoming increasingly bogged down by this "web of webs" I have finally come to the stage when enough is enough.

I guess the load is just too great a burden to bear now, and the responsibility to massive to handle. I need to break out and live the life of the lonely again. Perhaps now, more than ever, with each passing day, I am hoping for the end of Vaanavil so i can slip into a week of enforced isolation. Away from the people, away from the politics, away from the needless drama and mayhem. As Tommy Lee Jones once said in the movie Men In Black... " A person is smart, but people are stupid".

There were moments in my life in which i pursued soul searching. Although they were no more than enforced isolation at home, they served a purpose of keeping my sanity intact. This time however, i intend to just switch off my handphone and do my own stuff in school. I would love to just sit in a canteen around campus with a notepad and just observe people and the things that happen around me and thoughts provoked by the happenings around me as well.

Somehow, I get this feeling that there will be a change in my character as well. So far I have been quite a happy-go-lucky person and a joker to a large extent. It would be nice, for a change, to be serious for once. No more slapstick humour and playful antics. No more pranks and fits of irritation. I guess it will be hard really. Being jovial has always been a central part of my character. So much so that I can't help but crack jokes and make funny when around friends.

However, I feel its about time i toned it all down a few notches. It will be tough. It will even seem impossible to sit there with a sickass joke at the tip of my tongue just waiting to jump out and trying to swallow it down but it has to be done.

I just hope and pray that I do not become a bitter person out of all of this. Then again, it is a risk I have to take.

*edited*

Back in Black

After a bout with sickness, total lack of fitness and the depression that followed these two, I am finally on the road to normalcy. I had started to gym and play soccer as per normal although the first week was tough as my joints and muscles just refused to work, but its going on smooth now....

Even in ICS, things are looking up after a period of demoralisation and unwanted tension with TLS. I guess the Sun is finally starting to peek out of the clouds.

School wise, its not too bad. I am alittle behind in my readings but the gap is not too wide for me to lose sight of. In ICS, my project has taken off in terms of administration. Shivani and Tahira came over to my place last saturday to do up the proposal, reg and indemnity forms, personal letter to teachers. We even did up the agenda and tasklists. Monday we will be fine tuning the admin papers before preparing to send em to the schools.

Otherwise, with the "Cool Runnings" theme song running through my head, I celebrate Valentines Day as a single...yet again!

A Moment to Reflect!

Several things have crossed my mind since i fell ill a couple of weeks ago. There is this period of reflection that will creep into your life when u fall ill. Mainly because you are spending most of your time resting and thus having the luxury of thought at your disposal.

I have given some thought about one's place in society. More importantly, my place in society or one in which I am very much a part of. Some people say that they don't care what other people think. They will live their own life as they please. Indeed, its an expression of self worth and independance. However its a term loosely thrown around to express an exaggerated notion of freedom. There is no such thing as a complete "I will live my own life" reality. Like it or not, what one does affect the ones around that person and hence he or she is living a life that very much depends on the people around him.

What people think do matter at times. What your friends think of u matter as well. At times we miss out the point that we depend on each other to maintain this society in which we live in. Some wise fella said "No man is an island" Indeed so. So how do we live with other people's perceptions alongside with our life and freedoms still intact? For me, its a simple affair of "keeping my streets clean"

It is vital for us to create what people percieve of us. If u want a person to think that you are a bastard, then act like one..... more importantly, be one. Never let that person consider u a bastard with you not deserving or meaning it just because you are complacent and could not care less about what people think. I believe its a wrong way to lead one's life. Indeed some things in life is beyond my grasp. I cannot control what everyone is thinking all the time about me. Yet, saying which, i will also add that I will try to make it count where it matters to whom it matters.

I do not need to worry about the people outside my social circle, cuz, if your friends have a good impression of you, then the rest of them will follow like wise in their perceptions of me. Why the need for a good social impression? Its basically to make life smooth for myself of course. That does not mean I am going to follow whatever people tell me to. That is wrong! The safest place to be in most situations is to be at the middle of the spectrum. Get caught in the extremes and you will be in a world of pain....

Even the loneliest of souls need a friend. Even a shipwrecked Robinson Crusoe had a few friends in the form of a native and a goat. Nobody can survive living alone. Nobody sane that is. Sometimes people take their friends for granted and I have to agree that I am guilty to that crime as well. But I do try my best to maintain whatever ties that I do have....

Another issue that was being toyed in my cranium during my period of solitude was the fact that whenever I fall ill, especially with fever, the sense of loneliness seems to magnify a great deal. I guess when I was young, I always had my mum to run to and hug whenever I am ill. Not to mention her undivided attention. Nowadays, I shoo her out of the room lest she gets ill because of me. Times like this when I foolishly wish for that special someone to dote on me. However, that is not the issue.

The issue really is that sometimes we look for our mothers in that special someone. I know some of us may scoff at it but seriously, its a pleasant sight when u see ur mum and ur gf really getting along well. Seriously put, the 2 most important women in your life are gonna be your mum and wife....

So its natural to feel the need for tt touch from her. It took me awhile to come around to the fact that loneliness is just a perception we concieve. We are never alone as long as our mindset is tuned right. I am happy with the way my life is leading and am most glad of the people who are in my life at the moment.

If feeling ill is like experiencing a rainy day, then right now i can almost see the sun peeking out from the clouds. Recovery is close at hand. I just need to rest up for a few days more before i can start being my usual vibrant self.

New Year Revelations...

A New Year, a new beginning. That's what most people would say at the start of every year.... irregardless of how the past year had ended or how the new year had begun. There is this automatic insertion of feverish hope and highly enthused anticipation on 1/1 every 365 days. For some, its definitely a time for gloom. These people are those who fear changes and get unstable when the circumstances start changing around them.

Sometimes, when the going gets tough, some would grit their teeth and dig into their trenches for the calamity to fall upon him or her. I guess that was what I was doing ever since my birthday. Once the blissful nature of my birthday had died down almost immediately a couple of days later, the shit just started to hit the fan. I guess I had gotten alil confused again in terms of the matters of the heart and of course getting ready for the new school year. Trouble with CORS and my heart.

Somehow or rather, I had managed to contain the problems. It was nothing i could not handle seriously. I have faced many occasions in life when logic just does not seem to coincide with what is unfolding right before my very eyes. I just scratch my head and go "It just does not make sense!" A minute later, an all too familiar sensation hits me. The sensation of having been through it previously, on countless occasions. This has nothing to do with self esteem. More so to do with my brain's incapacity to comprehend the mind boggling scenarios that I face now and then.

However, when people around me start breaking down, that's when it gets to me. I can handle whatever happens to me. I can destress by going for a jog/run, watching some comedy on TV or even slugging a couple of cans of stout (on extreme occasions) to deal with it. After which, a nice hot shower and its off to the sack for an early night, and the next day, whatever problems I face becomes a dull, insignificant thud at the back of my head that I could not care less about. Its their loss, not mine.... when my pals go through a rough time, then perhaps, its a whole different scenario.

Allies in life are most important in life. Be it a family member or a friend. Sometimes we feel down because of one person. Its natural. That one person could mean alot to us. There is so much goin on in one's head and heart, that it shuts out the other things in life that we sometimes tend to neglect. And when things just go awfully wrong, our system faces near collapse. Nothing seems to function properly and we can go abt the next few days in a daze. We may not realise it but it affects the people around us as well...

On 7/1/2005, i realised something very important. I have seen with my very own eyes that there is so much else to live for and cherish. ICS YUVA was an experience. Not because it turned out to be a good show that i had a part to play in. It was the team effort more than anything else. Somehow or another u see everything coming into place in one single moment and u become overawed by the experience. When at the end of it all u can look to each other and say, "Hey great job, could not have done it without you!!" or a "Thanks guys, it was a wonderful experience working with y'all!!"

So here's a dedication to all my pals who made my life what it is today... For all the good times and the bad times, it was all worth the effort! Let us welcome the new year with a fresh start in my mind. Let us take stock what is important in life and live for that. Lets not get bogged down by one thing and neglect a whole lot of others in the process. Let what SPOCK said, a character form star trek, be an example to us all. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few"

A few shoutouts....

To Chewie, thanks for helping us out with the photography and all. Its been an experience working with ya. Rest assured, we (nus ics) will be requiring ur services in other events...

To Wilson, Thanks for taking the time out to judge. My sincerest apologies for any transgressions made. It was done without any intent of course. Furthermore, it was great seeing ya after such a very long time! For that I am glad ya!

To Sherm, i dunno wat happened on 7/1 and i am sure u will tell me in due time. Whatever it is, just hang in there and hope we will rock nus again in the semester to come. HOLD THE LINE!

Shivani, Thanks for the lift home and the tea as well. that is 2 teas u have treated me so its my turn, dun pull ur labukku stunts again ok!! Wish u all da best and hope for more fun times ahead in nus with ics and our modules as well.... Hahahaha!

Lastly to vinz, thanks for bringing me water and food backstage. I would have died without it... Thanks alot dear!

Wet Wet Wet....

Never in my life have I seen so much rain poured in a week. I can safely say I have not seen the sun in Hougang for the past week since my birthday. The streets in my neighbourhood have been constantly wet and the weather, gloomy to say the least.

I guess, I have not much to complain in light of the recent world events. The Tsunami attack, that coincidentally took place on my bday at 9am, has devestated parts of the world and has claimed thousands of lives. It was claimed to be the worst disaster to have hit the world since the past 40 years. I just wanna stretch out my sympathies and condolences to those affected and I wanna thank God for keeping Singapore safe from such events.

Moving along to my personal life, Christmas and my Birthday have gone on as unexpectedly and wonderfully as I could possibly imagine. I spent the eve of Christmas firstly with my ICS peeps as we went down to the DBS audi to check out the place and then to the esplanade to have our meeting. Came down to NUS to play soccer with the gang before spending the rest of the day at Sherm's place with ling, gollie and Shiraz.

Christmas was spent with the family. We moved about cleaning the house for my coming bday celebrations, which i stressed to be a simple affair. Then it was Sunday and my birthday. The whole ICS crew minus puvan and ganes , ling, gollie and my bro Shermann turned up. Quite a turnout I would say for a rat's birthday! Plus my relatives, my house was just bursting with people! Thanks alot for coming down guys on such short notice. I really appreciate it!

I got a very cool Han Solo model from Shermann. A very nice U2 white sleeveless T shirt from Shivani, a Red Mitre polo T frm the sisters and a wonderful set of adidas stuff (a Roteiro ball, a pair of wrist bands, a waterbottle and a wallet) from the ICS guys. Really smashing gifts! Got $280 as well which i gave back to my parents for the food catered.

Other than that, nothing much happened. The week of constant rain began. And it is still raining....