Mothering Two, Mothering Me

So I haven't been feeling well lately. The other day, while prepping lunch for the kids, I stepped over to the laptop briefly to do a google search to self-diagnose. (I'm like most moms, often looking up whatever seems to ail my children only to read scary-things-that-could-be-wrong, work through initial panic, and then say a grateful prayer for my family's health.) At that moment, I felt so terrible that I thought, there's got to be a name for this, but when I placed my fingers on the keys, all I could think to type in the search bar was "feel like shit". I laughed at myself, and didn't hit Enter.

So what are the symptoms, really? Well, for one I'm thinner than I've been since high school. I weigh ten pounds less than my college and early married years. I don't really understand why because I am always hungry and always eating. Also, as my legs attest, I bruise very easily. I'm not sleeping well (the kids are a big part of this one), usually about 6 hours of non-continuous sleep. In sum, I feel sort of, generally, crappy.

After some talks with friends and my sweet husband, I've decided it might be a little anemia and lack of sleep. It got worse and worse in the three weeks that I wasn't taking prenatal vitamins, so I'm thinking there's a connection there. I restarted those and I do feel dramatically better-- less voraciously hungry, stronger. I also dedicated the next few days to nap-taking and earlier bedtime, which improved the quality of my sleep and returned some energy. Though I am feeling better, I still plan to call my doctor and set up a physical this week so that I can express my concerns and see if he has any ideas or pointers. I don't think this case is rocket science, though... I think my diagnosis is likely right. But I also know that if one of my kids was feeling that bad, I'd take him/her in to the doctor. I'm thinking I should think enough of myself to do the same.

Aside: I've also had a stiff neck this week which went from uncomfortable, limiting, and inconvenient to excrutiating, immobile, and frustrating, and after chiropractic adjustments and my friend Katia's deep tissue massage, I'm just sore but optimisic. I've got two more appointments next week to keep things limber and improving. This bit's unrelated to the other stuff; it's a recurrent injury from a childhood fall, but the timing wasn't so hot.

During the big talk with E about how I feel, what to do, I realized that part of the problem was that I'm seriously still adjusting to being an adult. I'm nearly 30 so that's a bit annoying, maybe, but I really was struggling with the "Where's my mom?" kind of feeling. I was wanting someone to mother me the way I do my own kids, and I felt depleted from giving so much energy to the little ones and so little to myself. While recognizing this and thinking about how to avoid another low point like that google moment, I'm deciding it's all about balance and perspective. I do want to be the kind of mom who "puts the kids first"; I just don't want to end up a martyr for the kids, a resentful giver. I need to refuel to keep balanced. Ethan is a good place to do that, but I can also do a little self-mothering. I can take myself to the doctor. I can remove toe nail polish and choose a new color. I can nap and take vitamins. I can look out for myself and advocate for my well-being. I can also take solace in the fact that kids are never as literally hands-on as these initial years and keep perspective that I will have more breathing room before I know it.

As I lie next to a little Jack tonight or comfort a scared Harper back to sleep, I know that I'm never as patient with myself as I am with my own kids. But my body is telling me that I can extend a little mothering to me from time to time and I think it's fair to listen.

Welcome, Emma Largoza!

Just a quick congrats to our good friends, the Largozas, on the exciting birth of their BEAUTIFUL baby girl, Emma Jane. (Click any of the images to view them full screen. She's quite pretty!)

Double Standard

Silly Season, huh?!

The video below is just to remind us to have a laugh at the talking head culture. I thought this segment was pretty typical of the crazy, transparent spin that's going on right now.

Haircut

Free Obama Button

Want a free Obama button? MoveOn's giving them away totally free—even the shipping's free. Mine's coming soon, and I wanted to share the opportunity with you.

Click this link to get a free Obama button: get one

Six Quirks

I've been tagged by Rachel Mantuano (see her blog at the link on the left here) to list and describe some of my personality quirks and as I begin, I'm having trouble thinking of any. Rach's blog started with title "Just 6 quirks?" and I'm feeling like it's going to be tough to finish this.

Hmmmm. Let's see.

1. I'm terrible about removing toe nail polish. Typically, I just let a color grow out. (I'm imagining a lot of grossed out people right now... hope your perception of me isn't tarnished too much!) It's really because removing-toe-nail-polish is pretty far down my list of things to do every day, and I just rarely make it that far. It follows feeding and dressing my kids, laundry, dishes, errands, enriching/learning activities, blah blah blah. I'm sure I'm not the only mom out there who neglects her toes; I'm just one of the few who still wears sandals with what looks like red tips-- is that a weird french manicure thing? Oh, no... that's neglect.

2. I am silly and I don't care who sees it. It used to be more of a closet thing-- I'd bust out impromptu dance recitals every Christmas with Carie's kids, choreograph it, and have the whole family sit on the stairs (they make perfect seating!) to watch the performance. Or I'd sing lovey songs with funny dances just for Ethan when we were young ones. But now, if a silly gesture and funny song elicit laughter from my kids (or other loved ones), I'm performing in the aisles of Target and I seriously don't care if others think I'm nuts. Sometimes I'll even stop the cart and dance around for them.

3. I'm pretty transparent about my feelings. I've never been able (or self-aware enough?) to censor my feelings-- they translate directly onto my face. I've been told I'm almost always wearing a large smile (generally happy person) and that my face has given away my disgust or disapproval (from time to time it happens). I also cry and laugh pretty easily.

4. I fiendishly love Peeps and Cadbury Eggs. When Easter time comes around, my mom and Ethan race to see who can get me the first Cadbury Eggs of the season. I used to have a ritual way of eating them-- insisting on shaking them up to get the syrup evenly distributed because sometimes they can be dry on one side and liquid on the other. About a year ago, I abandoned the method due to dubious effectiveness and growing impatience. Peeps are just fun. I buy them for myself as a special, childish indulgence.

5. I love politics. I love all the hallmarks of the election season: the primaries-- especially the nights when results come in, the polls, the attack ads, the scandals, the smears, the stump speeches, the analysts, the debates-- especially those, the process, the websites, the YouTube videos, the car paraphernalia, the phone calls from random celebrities on my answering machine, the act of voting, the "I Voted" sticker on my chest, the hope that things might change, the banter with friends and family...

6. I secretly love my kids' crying faces. When Harper or Jack get upset and start to cry, I feel tons of sympathy for them and of course I want to alleviate whatever troubles them. But part of me loves that expression just as much as I love their smiles. It's a glimpse into their souls at a vulnerable moment, and they are still young enough that my mere presence or my hug can solve any woe. It feels strange to say it, but I love their little sad faces; they're cute kids even when they're upset!

So I made it to six. Whew! Now it's time for me to tag others-- I'm calling you guys out-- Ethan, Katie/Mary Briemle, Katia Clark, Tiffany Aicklen, Mary Gendron, and Danielle Dutton-- let's hear about your quirkiness!

Open Pandora's Box

Check it out. Type in who you like and "Mix it up" to get a completely personalized radio station of artists you've named and other artists you are likely to enjoy.

Pandora Radio