People always leave

It's depressing how some people can change so much over such a short period of time. Friends one day and almost total strangers the next. Makes you wonder just who is worth befriending.

Life should come with a user manual

If you had something that meant more than anything in the world to you. And suddenly, you realise you're losing it, would you hold on for dear life?

Or hide from it, cover your eyes, and when you really lose it, wish you had done something sooner?

I'd think it's a no-brainer.

But what if, you realise you can't do anything about it? Would you hope it goes quickly so it wouldn't hurt so much, or would you keep it and attempt to savour every last dying moment?

Always stick with your homies.

Recently, I feel myself drifting away from some friends of mine. I suppose it's neither of our faults. That somehow we chose to move along different paths.

Goodbye james, hello recluse.

Those were the days.

Looking through old photos unleashes the gate to an endless whirlpool of memories. It is so tempting to go dwelling deep inside, revisit old sorrows, mock old hairstyles and count how many people in those picture- perfect memories are still in your life now. I'm surprised at how familiar these pictures are, from following eunice, my fat neighbour to take the school bus, skipping chinese lessons in primary 3, to the different cliques I hung out with. So old yet so dear because those were friends made before life started getting complicated for all of us. There was Ah Shawn, Marcus, Randall, Edmund and John. One of the fondest memory that still cracks me up today was when we got caught by the cops for playing block catching. We ended up in a stupid laughing fit in the discipline master's room that ended in "SHUT UP!" and silence when the discipline master came in.

Then in secondary school there was Justin, Benjamin, Andy, Fareez, Idham, Denzel, Haziq, Muz and the Waks. The days we spent together playing soccer after school, smoking at 'the block', having no moeny for recess because we spent it all on contraband cigarettes, Wak Outings, CS, Pool, booze parties and so much more. Dunearn bowling also gave me a sense of self-worth and the never ending excitement brought about by numerous hot girls from those girl's schools(HANNAH!).

It was fun being young. When I looked only as far as the next recess, the next exam, the next nationals, how to skip TAF club, how to skip the next 2.4km... Those were great times.

Change is the only constant in life; Lovers come and go, hearts get broken, friendships break, people die, others move away, old loves return for a second or two, some go the other way.

How does this mould us?

Just to tell the world I'm still alive.

I kill myself a little each day. With each fading dream and passing opportunity I waste the potential to become what I should be. Instead, late mornings make for later nights and acquainting myself with people who do not comprehend is always a prevalent theme. I am fading swiftly, burning out much before my time.

But it does not feel as though I have failed, so, perhaps, I have not. In fact, maybe the cosmos have ordained this fall so that I may rise again to attain that greatness which you people are speaking of at such great length. Please, God, tell me that you are on my side because this once I could use a little help. I was not made to cope with all of this on my own.

When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.

So the forces at work have finally cornered me and pummled me into submission through a series of rides on the emotional rollar coaster. There are few things I find more frightening than a rollar coaster, a metaphorical coaster describing my emotional well being is one of them.

Lately I haven't been living my life the way I ought to. My straight edge turned into a right angle. I've been feeling utterly worthless and going through some self loathing. This became evident in my every day life. My bowling was suffereing. I felt like practically any talent I had was slowly fading, that I was completely losing it essentially. No matter what I did there was a constant marque scrolling through my brain exclaming "I am not good enough" or "I can't do this." But come to think of it, any talent or blessing I have was never mine to begin with. It's all on loan from the Almighty.

I guess that loan is due.

Uncertainty

It's just the third day of the year, but there's already so much on my mind. I'd be lying if I said there was nothing I'd like to know, or that I'd like to start the year afresh, because there's simply so much I'm dying to say, ask and do. 2006's gone, but somehow I don't really feel much closure. So much still doesn't make sense, so many answers that seem so unfulfilling.

I can't really pinpoint the exact reason for feeling this way. All I can sense is fear. Fear of losing people, faltering, change.

Carpe diem, said the dead poets

It seems to me that life is nothing but a string of small near misses: the girl that I'm unable to love, the chances I fail to seize, the moments of happiness I allow to drift away; A race whose result we know beforehand, but which we fail to bet the winner. Too often, I have been indecisive and hesistant and with the benefit of hindsight, I should have acted boldly.