Running On Empty

I feel no good today. Everything feels bad. I am sick of doing nothing, I am sick of dreaming, I am sick of wasting time. Every day is an opportunity and, as of late, I have been squandering some good ones.

I am scared. I am scared of changing things. I am scared of taking chances. Both of those things go against who I am at my core, except at this moment.

And I have lost all faith in myself. Searching left, right, up and down and finding nothing leaves me void of all ambition or willingness to continue.

The current of life had kept me regulated for a while, but I am warming up to the truth. I am opening my eyes and they are revealing that I am not so great. I am not as big on the outside as my insides lead me to believe.

I know where this is coming from. I know exactly where. It stems from me ignoring intuition, thinking about things instead of doing them. I need to change. I have to make an adjustment and get things back to where they ought to be.

So sometimes you get this feeling that just takes over your body. A feeling that you just can't describe. You don't feel sad or upset, but yet you don't feel happy either. You just don't really know what you're feeling. There's not an adjective out there for it.... You chest kind of tightens, and feels all tingly. You feel tingly all over. You can't put your finger on it and you're not sure if it's a good or a bad thing. I guess we could call it confusion but I'm not sure that's what I'd really want to call it either.

You just have so many things running through your head. Memories, decisions, past decisions, the future, hopes, dreams. You're not sure if you want to laugh or cry... or just ignore the feeling all together. The feeling increases when you come across certain memories or certain decisions you've made or even thinking of the future.

It can be exciting yet scary at the same time. Am I the only who experiences this? Or am I just weird for even noticing this? It's one of those situations where you don't even know what to think anymore.

a father's love- Team Hyot

You don't find many dads like these around.

Strongest Dad in the World
[From Sports Illustrated, By Rick Reilly]

"I try to be a good father. Give my kids mulligans. Work nights to pay for their text messaging. Take them to swimsuit shoots. But compared with Dick Hoyt, I suck."

Eighty-five times he's pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in marathons. Eight times he's not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars--all in the same day. Dick's also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S. on a bike. Makes taking your son bowling look a little lame, right?
And what has Rick done for his father? Not much--except save his life.

This love story began in Winchester, Mass., 43 years ago, when Rick was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs. "He'll be a vegetable the rest of his life" Dick says doctors told him and his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. "Put him in an institution."

But the Hoyts weren't buying it. They noticed the way Rick's eyes followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was anything to help the boy communicate. "No way," Dick says he was told. "There's nothing going on in his brain."

"Tell him a joke," Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a lot was going on in his brain. Rigged up with a computer that allowed him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? "Go Bruins!" And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the school organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, "Dad, I want to do that."

Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described 'porker' who never ran more than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he tried.
"Then it was me who was handicapped," Dick says. "I was sore for two weeks." That day changed Rick's life. "Dad," he typed, "when we were running, it felt like I wasn't disabled anymore!"

And that sentence changed Dick's life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon. "No way", Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren't quite a single runner, and they weren't quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then they found a way to get into the race officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the qualifying time for Boston the following year.

Then somebody said, "Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?" How's a guy who never learned to swim and hadn't ridden a bike since he was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick tried. Now they've done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii. It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don't you think?

Hey, Dick, why not see how you'd do on your own? "No way" he says. Dick does it purely for "the awesome feeling" he gets seeing Rick with a cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together. This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best time? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992--only 35 minutes off the world record, which, in case you don't keep track of these things, happens to be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the time. "No question about it," Rick types. "My dad is the Father of the Century."

And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries was 95% clogged. "If you hadn't been in such great shape," one doctor told him, "you probably would've died 15 years ago." So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other's life.
Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass., always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every weekend, including this Father's Day.

That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants to give him is a gift he can never buy.
"The thing I'd most like," Rick types, "is that my dad sit in the chair and I push him once."

Here's the video....

Battles and the war goes on

"If I love to the point where it hurts, then there would be no hurt left, but only love"

-Mother Teresa

Sometimes, its just the simple truths that count. There's just too much hostility floating around nowadays. That practically seems like what we're doing everyday huh? Battling with ourselves, others around us and the circumstances we face. World peace seems impossible when we can't even find harmony in ourselves. So much for the beauty queens out there who are constantly promoting world peace.

Come to think of it, seriously, we've never stopped fighting at all. The emotional tension and indecisive thoughts in us. Standing up for our rights and our pride. How time always goes against us. Quarrels amongst friends who later turn into enemies. Debates in families. Scheming in the workplace. War that has been raging since the dawn of time.

And the list could go on forever. I guess thats how we are meant to live. Going through trial after trial, obstacle after obstacle. Battling that devil everyday. Either we emerge triumphant or we break down and fall... or sometimes, we're just stuck in the middle. The battle may be worthwhile. Or maybe not.

We'll see.

I wish you knew

Months have passed since we became close friends.
Every day I find I'm thinking of you
Though no word from you that message sends.
And yet we share all other thoughts and feelings.
I cannot wait to tell you of my day, and you give me the gist of all your dealings,
Which makes me hope we walk in the same way.
Telling you this is opening a door
That never can be closed again, and yet
I must, because I ache for something more,
Something that I must risk all to get.
Someday, perhaps, we'll go hang out somewhere;
I will reach for you, and you'll be there.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.A time when technology can bring this to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete. Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

from Thads blog=) thanks Thad!

I did it again.
This time its different though. I feel wrong. Not just because i hurt myself, but more so hurting those who care for me. Sorry.

i need to change.

all the hurt we could ever put ourselves through

It's amazing how love could throw a person off his or her feet. How loss could bring a person to the deepest form of hurt. How grief could painfully and cold-heartedly destroy a person.

Yet how important it is for us to build and establish relationships, even if they could potentially break us down. We're always looking for someone to fill up that empty void. One of our biggest weakness - emotions. It's so weird how our heart is hardly in sync with our mind. Why do we still hope and cling onto the impossible? We always seek for any possible avenue to salvage situations even though they've reached points of no return. human nature.

One person could create such an impact on the life of another, one person could make all the difference.

So often we place ourselves in positions filled with hope. Sometimes it's the only thing that spurs us on. That glimpse of hope. But it could be our undoing when disappointment is just shoved into our faces. Betrayal, hate, despair and the list of all feelings associated with hurt goes on.

I guess that's how we were programmed to function. Humans

No more Brainjuice

Shagged- Mentally and physically. Have this terrible headache that makes me feel like my head's about to crack into two. Bowled the farewell tournament just now and screwed up real bad. Fuck. And on my first shot my finger got sliced by the fucking ball and it bled like hell. My scores were depressing. Performed way below standards. Anyway, congrats to the winners.

Lots of shit happening these days. My bros getting into trouble, family problems and shit. Yeah life's a whore. Fuck you life, give me and my bros a break. Go fist yourself and stop fucking with us.

I'm done with my family man. Fuck we're back at it again. All the quarrelling and shit. Life really sucks right now but what the hell, when has it ever been good. My mum's being a bitch, my bro's a dick, my grandma just can't shut the fuck up and my dad's keeping quiet because he doesn't want to start another quarrel. Could tell that hes hiding his piss. But sooner or later he's gonna blow up at us. Sorry mum for screwing up your birthday dinner but you made me.

I realise that i only have a few true friends whom i can count on when i'm in shit. The others would just abandon me. That sense of having your kindness taken for granted and stepped on like it never mattered really sucks. Even by some whom i call brothers. Yes call me emo or whatever for all i care. But fuck, do you people know what fucking bank loans are? I'm not some rich bitch and my dad doesn't print money.

So I haven't been very productive all day. Started out in the monring when i got to talk to my favourite person online. Then it was breakfast, tv and the computer. Another weekend wasted. Another week nearer to prelims and Os. So fuck it with my poor work ethic. I suck at life.

-

I have to say that school is sucking the life out of me. It's an extreme love hate relationship, especially when efforts and expectations fail you and all that nauseating observation of some people and certain accounts just makes me contented being away from it. Is there another alternative method to walk on the path to knowledge and wisdom? One where I can truly enjoy the process of learning and indulging in words and meaning other than learning how to conform to certain housestyles and societal norms.

My brain feels like mash and the temptation to sink further into depression lurks. I hate all this.