if i die young?

there was this one chapter or part in Mitch Albom's best-selling book, "Tuesdays with Morrie," where Morrie invited everyone he was close to and made a fake funeral. he was at the center of the room and everyone else was all around him. they took turns; they took turns saying what they thought of him. you know what was the rationale behind that gathering? it was so Morrie could hear what people would say about him. i think it was written in the story, "what's the point of having people that you know saying nice things about you when you aren't even there listening to what they're saying?"

that's a really good point actually. 

from the moment i read that part, i kept thinking about what people will say about me when i am gone. nice things? bad things? indifferent? so here i am giving you my readers an opportunity to write things about me. the only thing you have to do is to imagine that i am dead. you can write a comment, or write a new post on your blog (bajet i ni important in your life lah kan hahaha) or whatever else you can think of.

i know probably i would get one or two posts only but that would be better than nothing right? (the worst case scenario is that no one will write about me and that will like happen.)

so yeah, again, when i die, what is/are the thing(s) that you will miss most about me and the best memory(es) that you had with me?

p.s: please? i'm really curious.

heart

dub dub dub

goes this heart

beating confusedly

for no one really

dub dub dub

goes this heart

not easily forgetting

you once sat comfortably in it

dub dub dub

goes this heart

beating for no one really

no one at all

not for now

not now at least

dub dub dub 

goes the heart 

beating.

p.s: <3

why do you like me?

why do you like me?

i'm no one.

i have no looks.

i have no richness to offer you.

i don't drive a car.

i don't have a freakin' license even!

i don't have personality.

i can't afford you expensive gifts

or dates.

i can't make you smile.

i'll make you cry most of the time.

i don't have fancy clothes.

i over-think.

i stress a lot.

i'm not fit.

i'm not talented.

i have a freakin' scratch on my face.

i'm not healthy.

i'm not all that you think i am.

so why do you like me?

p.s: you deserve someone better

bintang

secebis bintang terang jatuh ke bumi

hilang terang nya lalu malap jadi nya

tidak terdaya ia untuk menerangi dunia

hanya kerana hati nya pecah 

seribu keping-kepingan kecil

maka bintang itu pun mencari mereka

yang mampu untuk membantu diri nya

kembali kepada sedia kala

bertahun dia mencari insan

sehingga suatu hari bertemu lah dia

dengan satu jasad

lalu bintang itu terasa bagai hati nya 

hampir pulih

insan tersebut membuat kan bintang itu ketawa

gembira

hilang segala duka

terasa bagai bintang itu

telah menemui cinta

di atas muka bumi yang fana.

pada suatu malam

ketika bintang dan insan berdua

hati bintang itu pun bersatu

dek kala mereka berpegangan tangan

melafaz kata cinta

insan cemas 

ketika melihat hati bintang itu bersinar

insan mahu lari

tapi dipegang erat tangan nya oleh bintang

"tolong," lafaz si bintang

"jangan kau lari.

sudah bertahun aku mencari 

mencari manusia yang mampu

menyatukan hati ku.

bertahun ku mencari

akhirnya engkau yang aku temui

dalam berjuta manusia di muka bumi

engkau telah mengubati hati ku ini

aku tahu aku bukan lah manusia biasa

yang seperti kau harapkan

tapi

jangan lah kau lari daripada ku

tolong." lafaz si bintang.

si insan hanya mampu berdiri

terkedu

tetapi setelah beberapa ketika

si insan pun berkata

"aku terasa sama seperti mu wahai bintang."

"tapi, bagaimanakah kau tahu,

aku sebutir bintang?"

"kerana, aku, 

merupakan dirimu.

lama sudah ku mencari kamu wahai bintang ku

rupa-rupa nya engkau lah bintang dan juga hati ku

nyawa ku

jiwaku"

seraya, hati insan pun bercahaya

maka teranglah tempat itu

dengan cahaya cinta mereka

satu dentuman kuat berkumandang

maka terkejut lah manusia di sekeliling mereka

mendengar bunyi yang agak menakutkan juga

maka ramai lah berlari, pergi

ke arah bunyian yang kuat tadi

tapi tiada apa yang mereka jumpa

cuma beberapa cebisan kerikil-kerikil bercahaya

di atas tanah konkrit

tanpa manusia-manusia itu sedari

dari atas melihat kerenah mereka

sepasang bintang tersenyum

gembira

menemui cinta.

p.s: inspired.

suicide

suicide. 

i don't think that's a wise thing to. it really isn't. i know you're in a whole lot of crap, disappointments, heart-broken but those aren't really strong enough of a reason for you to end your life. death won't stop suffering you know, it intensifies pain.

life's too precious to be wasted. while others are struggling to find more time to live, you so irresponsibly take away your own. just imagine, the billions of life who would-no pun intended, die to be in your place.

so please, before you kill yourself, please remember, death isn't the end of it. death doesn't stop your suffering. if you have problems, seek people who can help. instead of keeping things to yourself, find someone, anyone. i know life's hard and full of challenges and hardships, but what's a life if it's always easy? just be patient. God has better plans for you. have faith.

please, don't kill yourself. i beg of you. life's too precious to be wasted that way. 

please?

p.s: build bridges instead of walls.

tolong.

eh, kau

tinggal kan aku boleh tak?

aku mahu bersendirian

bersendirian!

biarkan aku disini!

keseorangan.

kau yang tinggal kan aku bukan?

jangan lah kau bertandang kembali

jangan kau berani memijak jiwa aku

jangan kau berani merampas hati aku

jangan kau datang ke mari lagi

dan membuat jahanam sesuka hati

tolong lah aku

eh, kau

tinggalkan aku boleh tak?

tolong lah

biar kan aku

jangan kau kacau minda aku lagi

biar kan aku bersendirian

hati, jiwa, minda

bukan untuk kau lagi

tapi mengapa 

pada malam-malam yang sunyi

aku masih menanti

sesuatu yang tak akan kembali?

jadi, kau, tolong lah

biar kan ku sendiri

meratapi nasib ini

boleh kan?

tolong lah aku

tolong lah aku

tolong lah aku.

tolong.

p.s: help.

here, come.

here, come

lay down next to me

entwine your hand with mine

can you feel the warmth?

here, come

listen to my stories

close your eyes

can you understand me?

here, come

put your palm on my chest

my heart is beating

can you feel me?

here, come

hear me speak

i'm falling for you

can you catch me?

here, come

kiss me

i'm addicted to you

can you taste me?

here, come

the possibilities

i can see them

can you see them too?

here, come

be mine

be mine

be,

mine?

p.s: time, when will it be right?

our world

i remember the long, dark corridor

which lead to your room

only faints of orange lights

bathed the corridor.

as we walk

the floorboards under us creaked 

we tip-toed our way

passing your parents' room

and then there were the wooden stairs

we stepped on the them

and they too, made noise.

we rushed up

and then, there was a door

opened

creaked

and your room.

spacious, peaceful, comfy

that is how i remember your room by

from the windows at the end of your room

the magnificent twins stood out on the dark horizon

illuminating the night sky.

spread on your bed we would lay

smiling and giggling

immersed in our own world

of comfy bed, warm sheets, and huge pillows

and we would talk for hours

until our eyes closed

and in my embrace you would sleep.

and the light of day would shine in your room

we would wake up

embraced

loved

warmed

by the sunlight

we would face each other and smile

"good morning sayang", i would say

"good morning sunshine," you would reply

then we would smile again and exchange "i love you"

and we would do them all over again

the next time i come to your room.

p.s: everything reminds me of you.

blankie

mummy, mummy

have you seen my blankie?

no my dear.

mummy, mummy 

have you seen my blankie?

no my dear.

where is it, where is it?

i don't know my dear.

i want my blankie mummy

please

i want my blankie

i need my blankie mummy

it makes me happy

it makes me sleepy

it keeps me warm at night mummy

have you seen my blankie mummy?

no my dear.

where is my blankie?

i want my blankie

i need my blankie

i miss my blankie

*cries*

p.s: i miss you, you and you. and you too.

life so far.

hey. it's been awhile. everything's falling into place the very last minute and it isn't necessarily a good thing. i hate the fact that every deadline is close to each other that there's no place left for a little breather. even if there is, it's pretty a small space. i should be thankful that there's that still a tiny little place to breathe.

anyways, i think, i wanna be a writer like for real, for real. the drama coach has been giving rave reviews about the script i had written with my friends haki and etong. it's a really good form of intrinsic motivation. no one's been THAT excited about a script written by 3 young people who have absolutely no idea about writing except writing through our blog. still, the idea of getting such rave reviews for the script means a highly anticipated performance from my drama group. so, no pressure there.

i suppose being a student has its perks you know. having fun with friends, living with friends, having no money (unless you're a child of someone rich), the post-adolescent dramas- all fun, fun, fun, fun!

love? what is this love?

i try not to think about that too much. i'm still pretty much not over my ex yet. getting there, but not really there, you know what i mean? i just need time. some more time. i don't know when i'll be ready for it again but i guess when the time comes, i shall know; i guess. for now though, being single is ok. kinda confusing but ok.

oh! getting back to writing, i really wanna do it like, professionally you know. not writing about facts or what not. i wanna write something artsy or something that can project a message of mine or how i feel about life. i watched the king's speech and i must say the script was amazing. i guess i need some more time and experience and whole lot of lessons and learning to enable myself to write such a marvelous script.

i guess that's it. sorry for not writing something rather insightful. i've got a few insightful topics right inside my noodle right now but i'm not really in the mood of writing those topics. will be writing bout them later on, hopefully.

p.s: i wanna typewriter for my 21st birtday. 

meow.

this is a post about home; inspired by the "i love borneo" theme during last night's poem recital competition.  

meow. [Kuching]

as the name resounds

so alien and foreign

to people from other lands.

meow.

the sound echoes in my head,

driving memories into my heart.

nostalgic gazes into the past,

with little hope and much history.

meow.

there goes that sound again.

so familiar, so warm, and kind.

so close to me,

so close to my soul.

meow.

there go those faces,

so happy and sad, their hands are waving,

waving at me.

and i waved back.

and unconsciously i said

meow.

meow.

home, you'll always be.

[Kuching], home.

you'll always be a part of me.

p.s: i miss kuching.

art is....

last night i went to this really cool hangout spot with a friend but that place was rather expensive-the food and drinks, but the atmosphere was cool and all. anyways, my friend and i, we were there because he wanted to listen to people reciting poems or something. i just tagged along. actually i wanted to listen to the poem reciting thingy too.

now before the poem reading/reciting/competition started, there were these two singaporean dudes who performed first. and boy was their performance a weird one! this one guy was reading poems from his book or personal diary of sorts while the other was playing/controlling music of epic weird-ness proportions. then i looked around and i see those so-called artsy people's faces- some were contorting, some were nodding, some had their eyes closed, others were looking down on the floor while i had this blank, confused stare. am i not getting the subliminal messages that he had oh-so-carefully written down in his book?

it's funny what some people consider as art. it's funny and weird and perplex. it's just plain.... weird. am i too stupid or inartistic or not abstract enough to see what i am seeing and to hear what i am hearing as fabulous works of poetry? 

i think, from this experience, i have learnt something new about myself. i'm not modern, i'm not old. i'm not cool but i'm not necessarily uncool either. i'm neither weird nor am i described as being typically sane. i'm not artsy but at least i know what's good and what's not good. i'm not abstract but i think my mind's abstract enough for my own good. i'm the in-between guy. caught in the middle. that's me.

i think people fall into labels. every single one of us. we fall. we are stereotyped. we get out of one label and into the next sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously. we are being labeled with or without our knowledge. i think what separates a label of a person from the next one is the degree or intensity of that label which somehow has got to do with how one thinks, looks, reacts etc..

it's a funny world we live in. cruelly funny.

p.s: art is subjective. thus, abstract.

little us

it came and conquered

without mercy

taking away everything.

it came and destroyed

without sorry

cities disappearing

impossible it became for breathing.

it came and disappeared

without feeling guilty

it left us bewildered

scrambling and in awe

it left us wondering

how little we are

in God's mighty eyes.

p.s: every little moment is life changing. to Japan and those who are affected by the recent disasters, my heart, thoughts and prayers are for all of you. may God protect us all.

war.

love's a war 

some lose

some win

love's a war

with no endless suffering

love's a war

some survive

some parish

love's a war

with many casualties

love's a war

some hope

some dream

love's a war

with many possibilities

love's a war

some get hurt

some get healed

love's a war

with many participants

love's a war

of complex proportions

love's a war

with no instructions

love's a war

of epic emotions.

i must

i must grow more mature.

i must study less and learn more.

i must be calm and not stress so much.

i must learn to think less.

i must learn the art of being selfish.

i must learn to save my money.

i must learn to use my time wisely.

i must realize that the real world is cruel.

i must always remember that life is fair.

i must be more aware of the things around me.

i must must eat less.

i must lose weight.

i must learn to become a better person.

i must save the environment, even if it is in the smallest of ways.

i must spend time with everyone when i can.

i must learn to accept the past, be aware of the present and be prepared for the future.

i must learn to never regret the past.

i must always remember God.

p.s: yeah, there are many things i should learn.

it never comes back

it goes away

and it never comes back

how cruel it is

to never find its way back

it goes away 

and never looks back

how evil it is

to not even glance back

it goes away

and never regrets

how malicious it is 

to not even feel regret

it goes away

and is never replaced

oh! how stupid we are

to think that it can ever be replaced

it goes away

without us noticing

how silly we are

to have not been noticing

it goes away

without us even caring

how selfish we are

to not even give a damn

it goes away

it is never going to come back

so before you regret

start to appreciate

trust me

it will never come back

no matter how much you yearn

it will never come back.

it will never come back.

p.s: memories, i wish i can just ......