memories.

as life goes on and we are able to breathe for one more day, have we ever woken up one day and just look back on our lives?

i'm 21 this year and sadly, i have never done such a thing. maybe, just maybe, i should be doing more of that you know. wakeup and just think and ponder about the past. smile, laugh, cry. 

looking back into the past and realizing that i have been living for 20 years and 3 months and it seems just yesterday that i was growing up, the innocent me playing and fooling around with schoolmates, crying about not getting what i want, fighting over the remote with my siblings, smiling over simple yet funny things. 

now things are becoming just too complicated. 

life's a mess. my head's a mess. my soul's restless.

i have not been reading for a while now. i miss reading. i miss the joys of picking up a book and just read from chapter to chapter without the feeling of boredom creeping into me slowly. 

i miss not thinking too much. i miss being carefree. i miss, the simpler times. 

i miss YOU.

damn it i miss YOU.

but this post is just not about YOU only, it's about all those things in the past that i miss. things that i will never ever experience again. that's the thing about things being in the past. no matter how much you're grabbing hold of it, it keeps slipping off of our grabs and it seems to disappear bit by bit. bit by bit. 

and later on, all they become are memories. memories we talk, fret and discussed a million times over. memories that we never ever can have back. memories. 

and then we start missing them. and then we think about them. and then we laugh, smile and cry over them.

and for 20 years and 3 months i have been living, it surprises me as to how much things in the past that i am missing of right now.

p.s: moving on is so hard. 

you are not alone.

do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind wanting to start again? asked katy perry in her song fireworks.

honest to God i've never felt like a plastic bag before. not now, not ever. i don't feel like i'm a plastic bag. plastic bags are useful. very. though they kinda destroy the environment because of their inability to be biodegradable but that's not their fault.

even plastic bags have their functions.

my real question is, have you ever felt alone even when you're surrounded by gazillions of people? even when you smile and laugh and be happy but you still feel as if there's this one part in you that's decomposing and becoming poison in your brain and this poison is stuck within you until one day, one day when you are really ready, it will be cured?

ready for what you say?

ready to let go. ready to let go of everything that has ever happened. letting go of those what ifs and what could've been questions and just get on with one's freakin life. easier said than done. you're at this phase, this stage of your life whereby you feel sensitive with just about anything.

you become so analytical that almost all simple things become complicated. life sucks at this phase. you feel as if you're the worst person in the world, feeling miserable and lonely whereas millions of other people feel the same way. but do you have the right to feel that way? yes of course you do. it's your freakin life!

we all go through this stage. this stage that's not really moving on. we are walking but we are dragging things we don't really need along the way. so maybe it is time to let go of those things that has been dragging you all this while and find some new and probably nicer things along the journey.

p.s: please be positive. we live only once.

literate

i wish i am literate. 

not in the sense of reading. i know i am literate. what i want is, i wish i can be more literate. being able to see things way beyond what others can see, feel what others can't, understand things most people find hard to fathom.

literate here meaning being able to read between the lines. being able to write things people never thought of. being able to say things people would actually remember-saying things worth remembering. behaving appropriately. writing things people will discuss and ponder for as long as mankind reads and the literature pieces survive.

yes, i wanna be that literate.

p.s: i shall train myself to be more literate.

no one.

i don't deserve anyone. i end up hurting them if i do. i have a problem and that is appreciating the things i have. i should be more thankful. i must.

i don't know, i have tried really but someone always ends up getting hurt. pleasing people is so hard. but people seem to not be pleasing me. karma? yeah i guess.

life can get pretty lonely at times. 

i really think that i don't deserve anyone because they'll get hurt. 

p.s: writing's been very difficult for me. END.

talking.

talking about something is a great way to let your frustrations out. talking about frustrations is especially wonderful when you are talking to a bunch of people who understand how you feel. 

talking about

love

death

life

lecturers

dreams

frustrations

and the list goes on and on. talking is therapeutic. it really is. you just talk and talk and talk and there is someone there who would listen to your ramblings and you just keep on talking and talking. some people are quiet but they talk to their minds. then, some people are out loud because they are more outspoken. 

i am kinda the second one and kinda the first one.

talking about something does not solve anything yes it doesn't but it does help in lifting up this load off our shoulders. 

but some things are better left unsaid though. i know this is kinda ironic me writing about talking then i proceed on by saying that some things are better left unsaid. that's where common sense comes in. talking but not about everything. pick and choose. be wise when you speak. think before you speak. which most of us fail at doing. terribly fail.

ok, i am rambling.

all i'm saying is or rather, trying to say is, talking is good, for me. i don't know about anyone else, but yeah i find comfort in talking. and also writing.

p.s: but i think i've lost the flare in writing. this is BAD. 

thank you literature.

literature, thank you. thank you for coloring my life.

thank you for the awesome imaginations you have bestowed upon me.

thank you for everything. 

because honestly literature, without you, I think my life would make less sense.

well then again, sometimes literature doesn't make sense too but who cares.

thank you literature for making me, forcing me to think outside the box. 

thank you.

thank you for giving me the chance to be able to understand myself more and the people I have around me, and also the surroundings I am in.

thank you.

I wish I could write as well as Poe, Rowling and Frost, but I'm still very far.

I haven't have much experience with life but whatever experience I have, that will be, or is my literature. 

so thank you dear literature. you're very kind to me. you make me see things in a whole different light. thank you for sharing the past and present and future with me. thank you for making me believe things that I never would have thought of ever believing. 

thank you for the journeys, taking me to places where I can't go, or haven't go or had gone to. thanks for the wonderful and beautiful and ugly and evil characters. thank you for the feelings and emotions. thank you for helping me say things that or else I won't have be able to think of by myself. 

but most of all literature, thank you for being there when I needed you the most. thank you.

I love you dear literature.

expectations and moving on

what we expect isn't always the same as how it turns out, most of the time. 

like for example, a breakup that's bound to happen. for days, months, years even, you can feel the ending nearing closer, and you actually expected that it will happen and when it does, there comes this unspeakable and mysterious feelings that you didn't expect would come and attack you. 

we know breakup would be bad, even when the breakup is meant to save both parties involved but when it actually happens, you may never know how you'd feel about it until the moment comes to you.

you think you'd be strong and you'd be able to go through it without shedding a single tear but that's actually crap ok? you were in love with that person please do not lie and tell the whole world that you won't be missing that person. we expect that we would be ok in a few days time, or a week, or a month, but sometimes that sadness and other emotional upsets get carried away until you finally realize that it is time to move on.

and another thing, some people think that moving on is easy. it hardly ever is. it is easier said than done. moving on is hard because it is indeed human nature to hold on to something that is familiar to us. when that familiarity leave us, our guards are up, our insecurities rise and everything comes falling apart and we are forced to start all over. 

we put on smiles and people expect that we'd be ok but that never really does happen. we are moving on and yet we are still holding on to every bits and pieces of the memories we once had with the ones we love. just let us hold on to those pieces and store them in our hearts and minds because we never one to forget those people who loved us.

i'm moving on but not entirely.

p.s: expectation kills sometimes.

isn't it ironic, don't you think?

life is so full of ironies. yes it does.


when you just think about and ponder, almost everything that occurs in our life or other everyone else's is the result of irony. let's say, you didn't study for an exam and yet you got the highest mark for it. that's an irony to you but to others you're a genius. or, it is an irony that you give advice to other people about how they should and could go on with their lives when your own is just as messed up and fucked up as their's are, or maybe worse.


I've always loved this word irony ever since I came across it in a song and it has become my favorite word in any language. funny how that word irony can be used to describe things or happenings that are so bizarre and funny to us or tragic to us. 


the three syllabled, 5 letter word can be used to sum up my life.


it is ironic that I am smiling when I am feeling extremely sad. it is also ironic that I wanna lose weight but I keep eating and eating. it is ironic too that I want things done my way and when people ask me to do things their way, I want to punch them in the face if I could. it is ironic that at the end of the day I would sometimes exclaim, "I've no time," when in reality I just spent my time doing nothing. 


those are just some of the examples of how ironic life is. 


if you see it from an ironic point of view, you will come to the realization that life is fair because when it comes to irony, the things that you don't expect usually comes into motion. 


so yeah, in my opinion life is full of ironies and these thoughts of ironic events that occur at my presence usually brings a smile on my face or even tears but at most of the time, it just makes me wonder about the complexities of life.



p.s: I wonder who created the word irony? he/she must've been a wise man/woman.

please?

sometimes, it's a huge struggle to get things into perspectives. for example right now, as I am struggling to find words to describe exactly what I am feeling right now. the struggle is mostly because of the thoughts I have, they are all jumbled up, chaotic and unorganized.

my feelings lately are hay-wired. roller-coaster kinda thing you. sometimes they are up, then down and going through loops. sometimes they stop. then the feelings continue to move up, down, loops. 

my heart feels the pain most of the time when my head's doing the thinking. I am hurt right now yes. mostly because of my actions towards you. I am impatient. I am sorry. I am confused too and I am sorry. I don't want things to be this way. but it was my fault things got this way and I understand why you're treating me this way.

I am hurt yes. the worst part is, I can't do anything about it. it is up to you now. you know where I'll always be right? I hope all those promises we made still stand. there is nothing more vile and disgusting to me than broken promises. it's a grown-up thing that I brought since I was a child. when I was a child, people promised me lots of things, but then they never did fulfill their promises. 

I don't want you and me end up that way. I don't want you to break me, the promises we've made. 

these feelings and emotions are a result of over-thinking and over-feeling. some people, they don't understand because they are not going through what I am going through. they can say all they want, they're not me. they can talk behind my backs as much as they want. they're not me. they don't know me. and they don't know what I feel. this hurts even more when I try to talk about this and you don't seem to care.

you don't seem to care at all.

if it's possible, can I have us back? just like the way they were before? please.

p.s: hershie's kisses on top?

love

is there such thing as a perfect love? i have no idea. what is your idea of a perfect love? 

when I was young and naive and innocent, I thought perfect love was when two people are happy with each other, contend with the presence of one another in each other's lives, no fighting. just love, and more love. 

recently, I have discovered that love is not all those things. it's not always happy. it's not always rainbows and butterflies and chocolates and comfy pillows and warm nights. love is more than that. love is, everything. if love is everything, maybe the idea of the perfect love does exist. but how many of us can say that we have the perfect love in our lives nowadays?

not many. seriously, not a lot.

love isn't perfect at all. it has flaws, it has weaknesses, it has pain, it has hurt, it has sorrow. love is hard. love is difficult and complex. love involves fights and arguments and giving up. but for those who believes in the idea of the perfect love, they accept these facts about love. 

love is universal. for many, love is beautiful. for some, love is horrifying. for some, it is easy to fall in love. for some it is even harder to get out of one.

love isn't always sunshine. love is cloudy and rainy too. 

love is life. 

I believe in my opinion, that love is imperfect because if love is perfect, everything in this world will be fine. love is imperfect. but there is a way to repair this imperfectness,

when two people begin to appreciate each other and acknowledge the flaws they have and yet willing to make the best out of whatever love they have, I think that's where the idea of perfect love comes from. when two individuals who appear to be so wrong for each other, can turn out to be perfect for each other.

p.s: i love you. and i hope you're reading this. i'm sorry.

stalkers.

behind every single person, there's a stalker. i'm not kidding. every single one of us has a stalker. one who obsesses over what we do every single day of our lives and fusses and frets over it as if he or she is living in our shoes. i don't even know why they exists in the first place but I have a theory. my theory is that these stalkers (and i'm not talking about mine alone, I'm talking about stalkers in general) are a very dedicated group of people whose soul purpose is to be a part of the lives of the person they so patiently stalk.

now, I'm ok with stalkers who are doing their jobs or activities or whatever you want to call it quietly, but I'm seriously not ok with those who stalk and then they go on telling the whole world about the person they've stalked. I mean seriously, can your life, dear stalkers, get even more pathetic?

c'mon man! it's their lives, it's his life, it's her life, it's my life. you're not a part of it. even if u begged and cried, you won't be a part of it, not even a slice of our lives do you deserve to be a part of. one more thing about these stalkers, when they are at their extremes, they would think every single thing that the person they stalk do is about or suddenly is connected to them when in reality it is not. funny people these stalkers are. 

grow up stalkers. get something else better to do instead of sticking your noses into someone else's business. 

so dear stalkers, my advice to you is, get a REAL life. one that is productive. instead of spending hours online busily going through his or her wallposts, friends, pictures and comments, why don't you do the dishes? watch some t.v? or better yet, read a book! because really stalkers, we have so many things going on in our lives, please don't mess with us and be a burden to us ok? because remember, karma's a bitch. one day, this stalking thing that you are so keen on doing will come back and bite you right in the ass.

p.s: when you are ready for something, you will be ready. time is all we need.

the first day

so today was the day, waited by few, dreaded by most- the first day of the semester. 

it's fun to meet old friends. laughing my heart out with them. really twas a blast. actually, we laugh our hearts out almost every single day. but what makes today's laughters special was the fact that we hadn't seen each other for almost 2 months so the laughters were a little bit louder and heartier than usual. 

i just wish that this semester will be better than the last, though i highly doubt it will be. as we progress further in our studies, things will definitely get more difficult and complicated. the loneliness at TESL sq is replaced by loud laughters and voices of the students and lecturers. everyone seems to be anxious, especially the new kids. haven't seen any of them though. maybe they were there, just didn't realised their presence. 

the first day was accompanied by rain. quite heavy. twas kinda depressing, the rain. 

that's about it for the first day. 

p:s: have an awesome semester everyone!

helo 2011 bye 2010

2010 went, replaced by 2011. how time flies right? we're already in our second half of the decade and things seem to be moving faster than the year before. for example, today, as I am typing this, it's already the 2nd day of 2011 and tomorrow will be the 3rd day. tomorrow will also be the day i'm starting my 4th sem wish me luck!

there're many things i want to write here but I'm having difficulties spelling them out. my mind's like excited to get so many things out at one go and i'm frantically trying to find words to just describe what I feel. OK first of all,

2000-2010 are very significant years in my life. within that 10 year duration, I've grown up. finished primary school, went to secondary school, graduated and then going to uni. I"ve fallen in and out of love, cried, smiled, laughed my way through difficulties. found some new friends, kinda lost some old ones. succeeded, failed, stabbed, stabbed upon. oh so many things! 10 years, and all of those memories, all those moments, evaporated by time and all I have left of them are memories sitting idly in my brain until some chemical reaction conjures them back into consciousness.

and then there's the new year celebration with dya and kei and dya's brother. it was fun really. beautiful fireworks at KLCC, sucky beach immies. I swear to God there's more them than there are us (malaysians) it's scary. I fear that malaysia is being flooded by immies. and the next day, we went to bathe at a river (sg. congkak) with dya's cousins and also baby sister. twas fun. the water's bloody cold! 

2011 will be another year to grow up. I'll be turning 21 on 11.11.2011. how awesome is THAT? I wish all of you an awesome year ahead and for those with resolutions, try doing them at least you know. as for myself, I've never bothered to make any. I mean, why make one on new year's when we can do resolutions any time of the year.

last but not least, 

happy 2011 :)