all right, i dunno why i restarted this blog of mine, but hell it is restarted., so hopefull i keep it maintained eh. LOL! haha =)
anyway, i realised its been more then a year since my last post.. haha, i have graduated from SIM and looking for a job now. if there's anyone out there with a nice job offer, please feel free to tell me eh!
anyway, jus wanna say that though i didn't say i was upset on the outside, doesn't mean also that i'm happy on the outside too..
and yeah, i dunno how many links is still working from my friend's list as those blogs are really a couple of years old. if anyone visited them and it is not working, drop me a tag, i'll remove it man!
Nicholas
hey everyone, it's been 5 months since i last blogged.. sorry for the delay.. i kinda lazy to update the blog.. anyway, i'm fine.. just rushing assignments, study for tests and exams and the cycle just goes on and on.. nothing much actually goes in my life. =(
i actually feel like blogging todae. i knew this person at the start of this year. i also dun really know what happen, just keep talking to her for the past 1 month plus or so and grew kinda close together.
she's kinda special in her thinking.. maybe protective. i told her as much abt myself.. good and the bad ones.. but, she make me realise it is not really gd to tell someone abt the ugly side of yourself. i thought before, it's always gd to come clean abt urself. i told myself that everything that happen in the past is a lesson to me and i learnt from it. i know i did really bad stuff in the past and i dun wanna do it anymore.. let's just say i grew up from it.. but now, sometimes i dun really know the things i'm doing, whether it's the right thing i should do or not.. to me, i'm a person who always do things when i feel it is the thing to do.. sometimes it's not the right thing to do or should i say i'm selfish at times.. =(
i try to understand her, try to do what she wan me to do because i wan things to stay positive btw us but it always seems not the right thing to do. from a clear view of what i wanted, i become more confuse as it goes. when she told me after talking to me, she has to get back to her life, i feel really sad as i'm still outside of her life.. i really dunno what to do. i want to stay close but it's not the choice of mine to make.
i'm kinda tired.. but i dun really wanna give up. that's the only thing i felt.
i want to see her, spend time with her but i can't do it yet.
i'm really clueless.
=(
nicholas
today was pm paper.. i didn't have an experience where i wrote till the time was up when the exam ended for a long time.. dun worry guys, i still manage almost 95% of the paper, guess i will pass the paper. maybe with a credit or distinction i guess.. hopefully la..
went to bpp to eat later with roger and co.
was disturbed by mosquitoes in the middle of the night (i slept at 3 am, was toking to amalie. more on that later) didn't have much sleep in the end.. as i woke up to spray insecticides in the middle of the night. =X so you all can imagine how tired i was, when i ask my brain to wake up todae and battle the 2 hr paper. really tired~
came back.. wanted to catch a nap at first, but suddenly dun feel like sleeping, so was watching the history channel on tv. msg joyce to ask her if she reach home already.. a few msgs was exchanged, she ask me whether i was sad? ha, i told her i was but i didn't tell her why.. after that i try to sleep for awhile while listening to jay's 说好的幸福呢 and 给我一首歌的时间 which i downland last night ( i download the whole album in 1/2 hr for amalie. u owe me that ok! =p). i think i was sleeping but i was actually concious the whole time, sub-concious i guess.
i dunno what i was thinking.. suddenly jay's singing become clearer and clearer and two songs combine and i was down memories lane... especially when it's 说好的幸福呢 turn to play. amalie was asking me whether i was still thinking abt her and why. told her lots of things and yeah, i am still at times. she ask me to tell her what i was thinking, though i might get replies i might not like it.. i told her i did told her.. but i know i dun wan to break this currently little friendship we still have.. i dunno why she choose to be at such distance from me when we first broke up. i was thinking does she think back on the times we had, why is she so cruel to me? within this 1 1/2 yr that pass after we broke up, a lot of pple ask me whether i was angry with her with what she say and what she do.. i say i was kinda angry in the first place, but i quickly cool off and think it was my fault that such things happen in the first place..
yeah, i admit for the first time here, i was the one whu didn't cherish her in the first place and probably deserve it in the end. friends started telling me that i have to get this feeling out.. feeling remorseful and regretful.. i tell them i cannot, becos fact is fact. but it really help me that i become a different person todae. even vincent and co were worried for me.. thinking that i turn gay, hearing things that i do.. things that i will do in the past, but not now.
i still have so many of the things of our relationship. the cards that she wrote, the door-hanger she made, the wallet she bought for me, the cds she bought for me, the bdae gift box she made for my 19th bdae, the blog we had and her previous blog, pictures we took together.... i dunno what to do with it. i dun dare to look at these things yet i dun have the courage to throw it away.
listening to the 2 songs, where the sun slowly set and the last light of the days darken, i sat on my bed with eyes a little wet.. never tout i will say all these here. i jus wanna blog abt it. is it because i still love her, is it because i miss her.. u ask me now, i dunno wat to say.. wat is happening to me? i can't move on, is it because of her? i feel lost for the last 1 1/2 year. yeah, 3 person ask me about what happen to me one by one.. i can't tell them exactly i feel. everytime i remember her words during that time when i try to revive the relationship, it hurts till todae. i remember the last hug we had before we break off.. i remember she cried her eyes, saying it's her fault. she has move on well now... i'm not expecting anything really. i'm really glad she is really happy which i didn't give what she really deserves.. alot of things like why she wanna ask me to walk from tampines to pasir ris in the middle of the night. i scolded her that nite.. i realise after so so so long.. she just wanna see the sunrise with me which i didn't bring her to see ever. yeah, i'm dumb and slow when it comes to this.. i thought i had control of what i do, i thought i know what i should do.. but actually i dun.
i also dunno wat else to say anymore. dunno how long i gonna be this way. i dun wanna be this way.. really i dun. i'm tired.... uploaded the 2 songs to the playlist with the lyrics below.. enjoy the songs and sing along.. i'm signing off.. =(
nicholas
說好的幸福呢你的绘画凌乱着在这个时刻我想起喷泉旁的白鸽甜蜜散落了情绪莫名的拉扯我还爱你呢而你断断续续唱着歌假装没事了时间过了走了爱情面临选择你冷了倦了我哭了离开时的不快乐你用卡片手写着有些爱只给到这真的痛了怎么了你累了说好的幸福呢我懂了不说了爱淡了梦远了开心与不开心一一细数着你在不舍那些爱过的感觉都太深刻我都还记得
你不等了说好的幸福呢我错了泪干了放手了后悔了只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着給我一首歌的時間雨淋湿了天空毁得很讲究你说你不懂为何在这时牵手我晒干了沉默悔得很冲动就算这是做错也只是怕错过在一起叫梦分开了叫痛是不是说没有做完的梦最痛迷路的后果我能承受这最后的出口在爱过了才有能不能给我一首歌的时间紧紧的把那拥抱变成永远在我的怀里你不用害怕失眠哦如果你想忘记我也能失忆能不能给我一首歌的时间把故事听到最后才说再见你送我的眼泪让它留在雨天哦越过你划的线我定了勇气的终点雨淋湿了天空毁得很讲究你说你不懂为何在这时牵手我晒干了沉默悔得很冲动就算这是做错也只是怕错过在一起叫梦分开了叫痛是不是说没有做完的梦最痛迷路的后果我能承受这最后的出口在爱过了才有能不能给我一首歌的时间紧紧的把那拥抱变成永远在我的怀里你不用害怕失眠哦如果你想忘记我也能失忆能不能给我一首歌的时间把故事听到最后才说再见你送我的眼泪让它留在雨天哦越过你划的线我定了勇气的终点你说我不该不该不该在这时候说了我爱你要怎么证明我没有说谎力气哦请告诉我暂停算不算放弃我只有一天的回忆能不能给我一首歌的时间紧紧的把那拥抱变成永远在我的怀里你不用害怕失眠哦如果你想忘记我也能失忆能不能给我一首歌的时间把故事听到最后才说再见你送我的眼泪让它留在雨天哦越过你划的线我定了勇气的终点你说我不该不该不该在这时说了爱你要怎么证明我没力气告诉我暂停算不算放弃你说我不该不该不该在这时才说爱你要怎么证明我没有力气我只有一天的回忆
phew!
finally i get my fingers typing here man.. haha.. exams period now..
haven been blogging for months man.. i'm really lazy at times even though i got things to say.. i mus admit that. haha! ok, let me see.. first sem at SIM is over.. overall life seems abit bored over there.. though it is like poly all over, i dun seem to look forward to go school these daes.. not like in poly, where i at least kinda look foward to go school.
hmmm.. been spending alot these past few months since i ORD man.. got to work during the holidaes to heal my bank account.. haha.
sometimes i dunno wat am i thinking at times.. sometimes i feel really lonely, bored or just can't be bothered.. sometimes i feel like doing something to perk myself up.. seriously, the older i grow, i kinda losing it somehow.. losing what i dun really know?
i'm getting fat my friends.. man, can't believe i can use that to describe myself after 23 yrs.. even my mom notice that.. damn!
tok abt experiences, feelings and things of my view with my best buds, vincent and co a few days.. kinda nice.. but realise we all change a certain bit.. some are bad, some are good. i wanna see myself in their shoes.. have i change for the better? hmm.. it's anybody's guess but mine.
and yeah, sometimes, i'm still stuck in the past. it's just gd memories i guess, i will be telling myself years down. i must get a move on.
bah.. dunnoe wat the hell i'm toking.
wish me luck guys for the exams and you all take care out there for now!
nicholas
it's been really long since i last blogged here man. haven had a blog post since i enter SIM.. nvm, don't talk abt school yet.
i told someone that i will update it, but it's only her words i remember when i wanna log in here.
alot of times since the last post on my blog, i wanna come up here with my thoughts whenever i thought of her, but just keep it within me..
sometimes i ask her, is it i miss her because i really miss her, or just miss the times with her.. roger told me it doesn't really matter.
yeah, i think so too..
watched a drama today.. they say if you don't miss the person, you wun even dream of her.. yeah, i dreamt of her recently. and i felt sweet in the dream.. some pple have the chance to move one step back to reflect and cherish their love one. some don't even have the chance.. whenever i hear pple coming to me abt their BGR problems, all i say at the end.. whatever u do, dun regret, cos you wun have the chance to go back and say we'll do it another way. there's no such things as we try this style or method in relationships.
all ritey.. i think the main point is i just dun wanna lie to myself. yeah, i do miss her. i'm controlling myself when it comes to her. when she ask me for a disc she gave me last time, i didn't noe why i was so uptight. she says it seems like i dun wan to give the disc or wat.. yeah, i'm afraid to give away or throw anything from ya.. like i dun wan u to be taken away from me. sometimes dun even dare to go view her blog, though i wan to, but scare of the feelings that arise after that....but... it doesn't really matter now eh guys? or is it?
school's been fine except for assignments.. new friends are good as well. nice pple i met.. life seems to move on.. but how come i still feel i'm on the same spot. i dun like the feeling.. i dun like the struggle in me to move back or move forward..
i really dun wanna lie to myself.. wat am i really feeling at times? wat am i thinking at times???
nicholas.
ORD~
simple as it goes. 2 yrs "contract" with the SAF is up and not up for renewal yet!
haha.. some pple feel overjoyed, some jus take as it goes.. think i belong to the latter group.
i think i already have the feeling of freedom during my long clearance leave..
to me, it's start of a new phrase of life.
just like when u grad from primary sch, u move on to secondary sch, then after that, u move on to tertiary studies whether is it JC, poly or ite.. then for guys will be the army looming... when it ends, it starts ur life long working career for some or further studies...
sadly, u only have one life, u have to follow this cycle no matter wat in this country of us or particular in this world..
read recently about the increasing food prices or oil prices.. maybe it dun seem to impact much on me.. but it is.. read an article on the new paper on sundae.. it seems really true.. like wat i say, this particular planet of us can't seem to able to support all of us now!
haix..
allrite, ease up abit... i badly need a JOB.. any kind souls that have good recommendations, please let me know ok!
=)
peace out..
nicholas..
i feel like shit tonite... shouldn'y listen to hei se you mou, shouldn't see wat i really dun like to see.. a wound on your flesh on the outside can heal but the wound in ur heart can't always hurts when u touch it again..
=(
