It happened. My little man, my knight in shining Mickey Mouse underwear, my stud who could do wrong, my source of so much joy... he said those words that every mom dreads to hear, "You can leave mom, I can do it by myself."
For the last 2 1/2 years, I've loved every (well... almost every) moment of helping my little man learn to eat, sleep, read, say please and thank you, be reverent, watch for cars, walk not run in church, be nice to friends, say prayers, and use the potty like a big boy. I swore to myself I was never going to be the person that looks back and says, "I should've paid more attention to my kids". But yesterday as we were rushing to get ready for church, it is as if he heard my now-so guilty thoughts when after 8 minutes of him going potty and me thinking of all the things I still had to do before we left, he said, "Can you please leave mom? I can do it myself". I left at first thinking "what a big boy" but by the time I made it to my room, in the mirror I saw my eyes filling with tears without any control. It hit me like a ton of bricks, "he doesn't need me!"
I started looking back over the past 2 months of re-potty training. The first 5 weeks I absolutely loved. It was an excuse not to go out much- just hang out with my boy and do puzzles, read books, go on walks close to home, sing songs on the potty, maybe have a picnic lunch on our living room floor. He pretty much mastered it after day 2 but I still would go in and sit with him to sing each time.
Last week he started wanting to have me come watch him do it all by himself. The whole process- pants off- the duty- back on- and hands washing. I beamed with pride not foreseeing what this would mean down the line.
Last week I realized that after 10 minutes of singing songs and just sitting- there were things to do. I remember the first time that I said, "ok, you tell me when you're done" and I slipped out to continue folding laundry. I found myself yesterday looking in the mirror thinking, "why did I ever leave?" Because then the next time it was just easy to slip out again to put the last dishes in the sink, or to write that one last email, or to finish sweeping the floor. How on earth did all those things seem so important at the time instead of staying to do nothing... nothing but enjoying one of my favorite people in world for just 10 more minutes in the day.
I know this is just one of many times in my life that I am going to feel this way... but oh how it aches. Tonight the mother in me took over as I picked up that great big sleeping boy before I went to sleep to take him to the potty one more time before the long night, and caught me holding that LONG boy. My body just turned and took him into lay by Michael and me. I just wanted to look at him. To hold him as if to remind him that, yes, he still needs me... or at least I still need him. I guess I found that I am more and more like my favorite book that I cry while reading no matter HOW many times I read it. I found myself rocking him back and forth- back and forth- back and forth while Michael and I talked about how we couldn't believe how old we are, how big our kids are getting and how we never knew we could love and ache for someone or something like we do for these two little angels.
Tomorrow my little girl turns 6 months. SIX months! I thought it went fast with the first one, but I think it goes by even faster with the 2nd. Today I celebrated the big 1/2 year mark with her by dedicating 25 minutes to her. Just her. 25 measly minutes but it was wonderful. I took her into my bed and left my phone and computer down stairs. Houston was still at a babysitter. We just laid there and snuggled, laughed, and stared at each other (that's my favorite). My Hadley Bear has the most loving eyes. She looks like she is looking deep into your heart and wanting to comfort you even if you don't have a care in the world. She is not one to smile at everything (like her Jolly Irish cousin)- because she is too busy analyzing things. She smiles a LOT with me, a TON with Michael, and doesn't stop with Houston! But for the most part she just gives this empathetic look- to anyone- any time- of comfort and love for you that I just can't get enough of.
To my mother-in-law who let me share her wonderful 1st born to be my husband- thank you! I cannot promise I will be as nice to the woman who comes and takes my little Houston from me someday! But I hope I will and I hope you are around so I can come and cry to you when I miss him at night.
To my mom who did a great job of doing her best to follow the poem that hung outside her room for all my years growing up,
"Cleaning and cooking can wait 'till tomorrow, For babies grow up, as we've learned to our sorrow. So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep, I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep." I think of it often mom and find myself in a constant dilemma of what would my mom do.
To my husband for helping me somehow be worthy of these beautiful children Our Heavenly Father entrusted us with.
To my breath-taking babies... I only hope you can someday understand just how much we love and adore every word you say, every thing you learn, every breath you take, and every single day we are blessed to be your parents.
Impromptu family photo shoot after work bbq September 9
Thank you to my sister-in-law Megan for inspiring me in July! We were talking about her life and she casually mentioned that she worked in laundry at the temple. Then they sent out an email in RS saying the temple needed help in the laundry like the next week. It was a sign! So inspired by my wonderful s-i-l Megan, and encouraged by my two wonderful sisters here... we signed up! The temple has never been so fun!
Meg- I wished you lived here so I could do it with you too! I know I was with my other two sisters but I really did think a lot about you- so thanks for being such a good example to me!
