Today Should Be a National Holiday, Jimmer's Day!

I know a lot of you are thinking that I'm ridiculous for wanting to make Jimmer's day a national holiday but I figure that if we can give the Jews Hanukkah and the Negros Martin Luther King Day that I should be able to have a holiday that I can sit back and meditate on the meaning of life & basketball.

I love basketball!!! And I love Jimmer!!! I knew it was going to be a great day today when I woke up at 5:30 am, too excited to fall back asleep. I didn't even drink any Dr. Pepper today, I have been running on pure adrenalin. Jimmer is like my personal supply of cocaine, just can't get enough of him (hopefully the side effects aren't as severe.)

Michael and I decided to have a Jimmer party (really that just means I told Michael I was coming over to watch the game BYU vs Vermont.) I think the only reason he didn't lock the door was to see what kind of fool I was going to make out of myself.

In preparation for the highly anticipated game I constructed a poster with a cardboard handle to raise up over my head every time Jimmer scored. I also felt like I needed to combine the 2 things that I love most: sweets & building shrines to Jimmer. I know that Martha Stewart isn't going to be calling me up to ask for cake decorating tips but in my defense this cake was the first one that I have tried to decorate with special icing tools. In case you didn't know I was trying to paint out the Marriott Center. I enjoyed doing it and better yet the cake was good to eat.

The only way the game could have gotten any better is if Jimmer would have announced that the game was dedicated to me (don't worry he told me already last night on the phone, )and if TJ Fredette would have written a song about me to sing at half time. Last but not least here is my father giving his views on the game today. Don't mind his attire.

What a wonderful day. BYU won, I ate cake and I got to look at my vanilla & chocolate boyfriends all in one shot. Sweet 16 here we come!!

Catching Up With Life

Its difficult being the Devil's Chubby Mistress. Apparently my duties make me too busy to write a blog entry. The wonderful thing about this blog entry is that I'm writing it from my home. I've felt like a pioneer having to either bum the Hancock's to use their computer or to go to the STD infested library to use their computer. These days are no longer!!! ( I feel similar to Vivian Leigh in Gone With the Wind when she said that she will never go hungry again, that does include the clenched fist.)

By the way Raeanne, I never want to be in another picture with you, it makes me want to rip your face off so that I can use it for chewing tobacco :)

Now that I can put incriminating photos on here, I will (that's if I can manage to use my bloody camera correctly.)

Recently one of the fun activities I was able to attend was Sarah & Paul Fairbanks Halloween Party. As you look at the pictures you can see that people felt like they were in Vegas (don't ask, don't tell ... maybe that's the Army I'm thinking of.)

I have to say that I enjoyed myself immensely.

Rob. I almost forgot that you were married and went to ask you out on a date. Good thing I caught myself. By the way, those are Cari Havens curlers that Rob stole out of her hair.

I couldn't think of an appropriate comment to write down. Lesbians kept popping up but these 2 women have a total of 9 children between the 2 of them.

Angelee and I didn't win the toilet paper body wrapping contest but I do think that I burned about 200 calories running around her like a crazed lunatic.

I thought I would save the best for last.

Here is our devoted seminary teacher and a councilor in the Elders Quorum Presidency. Yes, they are dressed up as pimps. Apparently they are both mine, they tried to send me to appointments all night. I'm only upset that I didn't get Rob's Captain Morgan pants in this picture. I asked him if I could borrow them only to realize that they would have fitted me in about the 7th grade.

Good times at the party and I have to say that I enjoyed dressing up.

I also have another reason to be happy. Basketball has started!!!!!! I do love basketball!!! And no its not just because there are beautiful black boys that happen to play. It also doesn't hurt that Mike Hall is now apart of the BYU coaching staff, maybe I should purchase a trough to drool in so I don't get the furniture damaged.

My only request is that the Heat start winning some games so that the filthy Lakers don't win another championship. That is my Christmas wish.

Really .... No Really

Really there has been nothing to write about since all I have experienced is loss and devastation.

I know that I did a blog post about counting down the days when the football season was going to start, now I feel like I need to start counting down the days for when the basketball season is going to start since I'm already sick of football!

Yes, I'm sick of football!

Good thing that BYU beat the Huskies after having a near death experience with heat stroke and blistering up my feet to the point of bloodiness, luckily I got my hands on some tickets to the game. I'm not complaining about the sacrifices I made to go to the game but I will say that I'm glad that I didn't try to make a trip out to Utah for these last two games.

Its sad that by the end of last Saturday I was comparing BYU to Wyoming. I guess we aren't so bad that the quarterback is running all over the field in attempt to catch his own ball, poor Wyoming, at least we will have one win this season.

I know you are thinking that I'm a traitor but I will continue to watch the games faithfully. The only difference now is that my eyes get puffy and red and I indulge in a pint of haagen daas ice cream to drown out my sorrows after each game.

The only things that have brought me true comfort is the small poster I stole from the LaVell Edwards stadium women's bathroom of Brandon Davies. I would have taken the Jimmer poster as well but the bathroom traffic became too congested. Another thing that made me happy was the loss of Notre Dame. At least I know that Slobber Holtz was crying just as hard on his pillow as I was Saturday night:).

Another year older and ..... well lets not push it!

Happy birthday Michael! Its getting to be about the time to start buying stock in Polygrip and Depends. To commemorate your birthday my lovely assistant Angelee helped me put together a few videos of some very special people that want to wish you a happy birthday. The first video should have been last but I'm just thrilled that Angelee figured out how to put all of these on here. Enjoy!

Here is a shout out from your adorable Aunt Diane.

Pamela Anderson

made a special appearance just for you! Yes I know she has gotten a little ponchy and looks like a heffalump from Winnie the Pooh but be considerate, she has been through a lot.

In Bangkok a traditional thai massage will get you through any kind of problem including the ability to do nothing all day.

Good ol' Bronco Mendenhall. Always showing emotion when necessary.

There was supposed to be a two more videos on here that included a clip from Chelsey Handler but I couldn't think of anything that would be appropriate for viewers. The second video was supposed to be a remake of a certain camping trip you spent with two lovely ladies, one tent and a shared sleeping bag but of course Pilar vetoed my brillant plans for that so I apologize. Hope you have a great birthday Mr. Tuttles!

Thanks for your help Angelee!

Hi, My Name is Pam Anderson

So I guess I've never looked like this before but I do think that I got pretty close when I dressed up like Baywatch's Pam Anderson for Angelee's birthday. Since I couldn't find leg warmers that went over my chunky calves I decided to dress up like a Baywatch babe. Unfortunately I didn't get to run in slow motion but I think I was pretty flashy with my yellow yarn wig which my mother helped me construct (bless her soul for going along with my crazy ideas.)

I'm so mad at myself for forgetting the camera. Why do I do that every time there is an opportunity to take pictures?

Well what do I say about Angelee's 30th birthday. The highlights of the evening included:

Angelee and I looking at old high school pictures (holy crap, I forgot about the lovely different hair colors that I used to have.)

Angelee throwing her bags on the ground demanding to know where

she is going to be taken.

Twister, that should not be played by a bunch of 30 year olds (sorry I suffocated

you Liz.)

Skating, yes I did make it around twice. (By the way, Nick you and I should go skating some time, it looks like we are in the same skating bracket ;)

When Liz asked me if I was checking out guys my loud response included, "yeah, that black guy that works here." Don't worry he passed by me right as I was saying it.

All and all it was an entertaining evening. I guess I exerted myself so much that I got strep throat and have been sick since that.

In closing, I thought that I would share a little story about my friend Pilar.

Well actually all of the stories that I can think of she has forbidden me to utter so I will just say thanks for being a delightful, entertaining and lovely person.

30 Days And Counting

I know that everyone that claims to be my friend is practically busting out of their britches in anticipation of the big day. That's right kiddies, in 30 days BYU will open their football season playing against the Washington Huskies. In the spirit of some healthy rivalry (healthy being the key word) I found a few jokes about the Huskies that I would like to share:

What is the difference between a Husky cheerleader and an elephant
A: About 40 lbs
(Sounds like I could get myself a cheerleadin' scholarship)

Whats the difference between the Huskies and the Taliban?
A: The Taliban have a running game

Despite the tearful departure of my man Harvey I think that we are going to be wonderful! We got Heaps, Apo, Stout plus a string of returned missionaries that are dying to apply the commitment pattern by sheer brute force (corny, I don't know why I said that!) My eyes will also be on Ashworth, Holt and Manumaleuna.

So strap on your helmets and get ready to be tackled Washington.

Who Can Blame Me?

Here goes another shot at blogging. Hopefully this go around will be less offensive to everyone. In keeping with less offensive subjects I thought I would start off with a story that LaNell has been wanting to tell for a while. I hope that you realize LaNell how full of charity I am.

When I returned home from my mission Harry Potter was in full force. The sixth book was about to come out but I wanted nothing to do with it. Being of a purer mind back then I thought that the Potter books were encouraging false priest crafts :) It was LaNell who finally convinced me that they were great books and that I would enjoy them. When I finally picked them up I couldn't stop. I even stood in line at Barnes & Noble for the midnight unveiling of the sixth and seventh book like a dummy but at least I wasn't wearing any kind of ridiculous costume.

I guess I don't regret doing the whole Harry Potter thing but I should have run the other way when LaNell came trotting up to me with these ridiculous Twilight books. I had heard about them but thought that they were juvenile and a waste of my time. For some reason I got roped into reading them when I lived with LaNell. Secretly I think that she hypnotized me into it when I was sleeping!! Finally my will power weakened and I started to read. I stayed up for hours into the late night reading about this stupid love triangle. To top it off I didn't want LaNell or anyone else to know that I went through the set of books again and then again. I would hide in the BYU library basement so that I wouldn't run into anyone I knew. Really .... if I'm this stupid I should just drive my car into the bottom of an ocean and get it over with. The part of this terrible story is that the first Twilight film came out into the theatres. One might think that I watched it once, twice or maybe three times. Of course not! 5 is the magic number. I bow my head in embarrassment!!! The show wasn't even good but I was fixated.
How could you do this to me LaNell?????
But on the other hand who can blame me for falling in love with Edward, Jacob and all the wolves, they are steamy!!!!
Nobody better hold this against me or I will pound them!

Was It Really A Vacation?

I had such an eye opening experience visiting friends in Utah last week!

I've been out to Utah so many times I can't even count but this trip was probably the most eventful. Not because I got to do so many things but because so many crazy things happened.

1. I forgot my camera because I am an idiot.

2. When I was told that I couldn't go over Donner on Tuesday I decided to visit Michael while he was serving as a butler/chauffeur/ maker of eloquent meals for a week. This activity stirred up emotions of pity for Michael and strengthened my testimony about NOT EVER having children!

3. Having to watch the BYU vs. San Diego State game on Christy's television even though I had tickets to the game and also had to contend with a 5 year old jumping on my lap, asking me if I would be his girl friend. (That rounds out to about 70% of the game I actually got to watch.)

4. Getting slapped on the butt by the same 5 year old followed by the comment, "your fluffy." Thanks Camden, your a real entertainer.

5. Deciding to go to Utah on Thursday. It was a 14.5 hour drive in a Pontiac. Never buy a Pontiac unless you happen to be a pretty, skinny girl. If you do not fall into that bracket your hips are going to hurt and its pretty much going to look like an elephant getting caught up in a match box or at least that is how I felt.

6. Trying to find tickets to the New Mexico game. What kind of friends do I have anyway when I find out what they would rather do instead of watching the biggest game of the season? Here are a few reasons that they gave me:

"I think I would just like to play my soccer game."

"I'm going down to St. George for a 100 mile bike ride."

"I would rather play with Barbies."

How lovely is that. Erica was the only person that would come to the game with me and so I rewarded her by not getting a ticket for her. I felt really bad and wanted to go with her but when I showed up to get tickets from the scalpers there weren't any there but there was about 50 people trying to buy tickets. It was insane! I finally found somebody that had one extra ticket and so I took it. Its probably a good thing that Erica didn't come with me since BYU lost by 2 points. The below pictures are how I felt about the situation:

I think you get the picture!

Setting all problems aside I did have some enjoyable moments. I was taught how to play Dominion, I love it.

Another humorous event that happened was when I was in Utah at Michelle's home. Michelle was nice enough to let me stay at her home while I was visiting and so when I called her to tell her when I would be coming in she giggled and said that she had the room all ready for me. When I showed up at 2 am I turned on the bedroom light to see that the room was decorated in Twilight materials. Everything from books, pillow cases and posters. I have to admit that I was a little disappointed that Taylor Lautner wasn't there in person to make out with me but I did get a good laugh about the decorations. Thanks so much Michelle, you are funny.
It was nice to see all of you even if it caused gray hairs to form on my head.

In the Words of LaNell "MERCY"

Have you ever had the urge to fill up your bath tub and submerge your head into it until all signs of life are non existent? If you are answering no to this question than you should be proud that your life is at a better stage than mine.

I took 5 days off of work so that I could go out to Utah to watch some BYU basketball games and spend time with my friends. I guess I just picked the wrong week to go since chains are required to go over Donner Pass and Hertz doesn't allow chain use on their vehicles. LOVELY. Lets be honest, even if they did I wouldn't be able to put them on even on one of my good days. I would probably have more luck talking Brandon Davies into making out with me for 20 minutes.

Its not very often that I cry but poor Erica had the honor of dealing with that. I just want to say thanks Erica because most of my friends are not sensitive to those kinds of emotions :)

I guess its alright that I miss 2 of the most important games of the season but I'm probably better off because I would have broken the sabbath traveling home to be back at work on Monday. Maybe I will take my own car on Sunday and go buy a bunch of furniture at IKEA just for the heck of it.

On a more depressing note I am trying not to drink Dr. Pepper. I'm trying to switch over to diet and let me tell you I'm on the verge of just drinking hydrogen peroxide instead. It would taste just as good and probably kill any germs lingering in my mouth. I HATE diet drinks but I will try to press forward for as long as I can. In addition to my diet drinks Michael and I are walking in the cemetery regularly. The first time I tried walking I thought that Michael was going to have to dig a grave side for me, maybe carve my name in the dirt so others could find me. I resent the fact that several people have asked if we stop at the 7V on the way home to get our soda. The answer is no. Maybe in a month I will be able to start climbing mountains with LaNell.

When the Saints go marching in ......

I love nothing more than the sound of victory. Unfortunately the Cougars couldn't pull out the win against UNLV but the next day my sorrows were drowned out by the victory of my boyfriend Reggie Bush. Sorry Austin Collie, I know I should be pulling for you but you have 2 things going against you:

1. Your not black (aren't you proud of me Erica, now you don't have to stop after 1 sentence.)

2. You play on the same team as a filthy Manning

I was a little worried until the Saints pulled out an interception and then I knew everything was going to be alright.

Funny that the funniest commercials were the beer commercials. I also enjoyed watching Betty White get pummeled! Tim Tebow, you and your mommy can go to a Bible study instead of taking up precious TV time.

It was fun to watch the Superbowl at Angelee's home. I will try to forget the fact that she said that she would have drinks there and so I wouldn't have to worry. When I got there, I found 5 different 2 liters of soda but no Dr. Pepper (aren't you happy that you didn't come Michael?) In the future, if somebody invites me to a small & large fiesta I am going to need a Dr. Pepper! Sad that I had to settle for tap water. It was also enjoyable to see Anglee do some cheers from our old high school days (actions and all!) To highlight the night, Nick made some wonderful soup in which Angelee kept repeating "its a

soup-er-bowl. I'm glad that at least you think that you are funny Pilar :).

Thanks for the enjoyable evening Angelee, I enjoyed myself immensely!

There is also 2 other wonderful events that took place this week.

1. Erica came into town for a visit.

2. Becky & I slaughtered Erica & Kaylee in a game of nertz. Sorry you can't

pull out a win Kaylee but I'm sure that you haven't read this far down the page to even notice that I'm saying this about you :)

Don't talk to me for 3 days!

The only thing to console me in this time of suffering & pain is Maxine. Since I am in such a bitter mood I have added several things to my hate list and yes I don't care if anyone gets mad at me for putting Maxi Pad back up there, I can't stand him!!!!

What in the crap is wrong with BYU??? Maybe its because there aren't enough niggers on the team to get the job done or maybe its because LaNell decided not to go to the temple yesterday (according to her, the Cougars win because she goes to the temple on game day.) Whatever the reason is, I thought I was going to cry when the Cougars broke their 15 game winning streak. It wouldn't be so bad if the polls weren't going to drop them 12 notches for losing one game like they will undoubtedly do, so now they have to work their way back up.

When I lived with LaNell, she used to ask me to not come home until after she went to bed if BYU had lost a game because I was too cranky. I find that hilarious because if I was still cranky the next day about a game sometimes that "next day" would turn into several days before I talked to her (it must have been a nice break for your ears LaNell.)

On a happier note, I get to go to Utah at the end of February to see the Cougars play. If they don't win, at least I will be able to take matters into my own hands with some good old fashioned brutality (thats right, I am going to bring a bat & some brass knuckles with me.)

This One Is Going Out to Kaylee

I realized that I just posted yesterday but some things are just too good to pass up!

I decided to spend some time with Kaylee since she is one of the few people that I can hang out with that has a vagina. At first I was rather upset about talking to her because she told me that she doesn't read my blog because I write too much. My response is this: maybe I will start doing what you do on your blog and take naked pictures of myself while I'm cooking at a kitchenette.

Luckily the night grew to be a little more amusing as we started talking about sports. Unlike her brothers Kaylee would mistake Shaquille O'Neil for Big Bird. So we were talking about making out with black men, Kaylee seemed to have a dissatisfaction for the Negros so I felt personally responsible for educating her. I asked her if she thought Lebron James was hot and her reply was, who is that? It just kept going down hill as she guessed who that was. Answers ranged from a baseball player to a well known pimp. Needless to say I was thoroughly amused. Once I told her who LeBron James was she insisted on telling me that she had sports knowledge as she asked me where the Cavaliers played at. This is what she said, " I know that Michael Jackson used to play for the Bulls." Way to go Kaylee, I almost went into cardiac arrest.

I did later find out that Kaylee has extensive knowledge about turtles poop eating habits.

I love you Kaylee.

Who Loves Bacon?

Unfortunately I never got to finish my Christmas blog but there is only one thing that I forgot to write about that I thought was worth mentioning and no it isn't the fact that I found out I'm a mediocre nertz player and that Sam Hancock can slaughter me (Sam I hate you almost enough to put you on my hate list for that.) Unfortunately I'm too stupid to figure out how to access pictures on the Hancock's computer from my camera onto the blog. Anyway, the next time you are in my vehicle you will notice that there is a bacon scented car deodorizer hanging from my rear view mirror. The question isn't who gave you this Mikila, the question is what the crap is it supposed to mean???? The reasons why I would receive such a wonderful gift could include:

1. The giver of the gift thinks that I consume bacon morning, noon and night; its nice to be reminded when I am driving that I can't live without bacon.

2. When people are driving by me they will understand why I look like a pork product myself.

3. So people will be aware of how swine flu got started.

Needless to say it was the funniest gift I got this year seeing that I'm really not that big of a bacon fan the person who gave it to me is. Maybe they just wanted to see it every time they get into my car.

I just want to make a point of saying that I am taking way too much abuse about Jimmer getting mono. If he can't take things like a big boy and go on a kissing rampage then why don't I send him some kleenex and pampers.

I've decided to close by sharing a work story. I usually don't give massages to crazy people but the other day happened to be special. A woman had come in for a massage, I have to say that when I saw here I was wondering if she was even going to pay for it? I know, what a judgemental jerk I am but I DON'T CARE. She was in a moomoo that was full of holes. She acted like she had barely survived the Vietnam War with the aid of strong narcotics. I did try to give her the benefit of the doubt but it just went down hill from there. She had never had a massage before and so I carefully explained to her the process. I left the room, gave her several minutes to get undressed and get under the sheets on the table. When I knocked on the door she didn't answer but instead opened the door completely naked. That particular room happens to open into the main hall. Luckily no one was there except me. She asks me if I have a step ladder because she couldn't get up on the table. Good thing that I don't get embarrassed that easily because I ended up having to help her onto the table. She wanted to talk but then would stop in mid sentence like she was blacking out. She is probably in her mid 50's but she was very interested where I party at, she wanted to check the "hot spots" out herself. When it was time for her to get dressed I left the room but had to come back in 3 times because she kept falling asleep and didn't even know where she was the 3rd time I woke her up. LOONEY TUNES!!!! Later on I found out from one of the esthiticians that the last time she had come she asked for a Brazilian wax so that she could meet up in a hotel with her ex boyfriend that just recently got out of jail. Isn't that special!

Crim-a-nitly

I guess its late but I will say it anyway, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. What is it about Christmas that I love so much. Is it demanding that I need to take all of my stuff home when I am living out of state so that LaNell is forced to keep her stuff home (that is her version, not mine!) Finding some mistletoe & some innocent bi standard to smother to death (I can't remember his name unfortunately.) Or the fact that people come home to visit and I actually have friends for a change (don't take that personally Michael, you can't be entertaining all of the time!) Anyway I had a lovely Christmas.
Several weeks ago I was able to attend what I would think the most entertaining wedding reception would be like. Becca and Kyle are so cute aren't they?! Kyle mentioned to me that he would love to be mentioned in my blog and so as a part of their wedding present I have decided to post them up here. I enjoyed the carnival themed reception. It had everything from funnel cakes to games galore. The only thing that I was upset about was the missing clown? What the crap is up with that??? I know that they scare you Becca but the way to defeat a clown is to take away their plastic nose and tell them that they aren't being navigated by the spirit anymore. I enjoyed myself, thanks for making it entertaining.

This last item of business is rather an awkward situation but has to be done. I am officially breaking up with Jimmer Fredette. I have moved on to bigger, better and blacker things like Brandon Davies. I appreciate you scoring a record high 49 points against Arizona for me but its just not enough! I'm sorry to do this publicly on my blog Jimmer but I just couldn't handle the begging, pleading and tears that would surely happen if I told you one on one. I think we had a good run of it and so I'm kindly asking you to not give Brandon a bad time, please pass the ball to him!!! On a good note, I finally have a fine negro to look at that is on the team.