Balderdash, Who Knew!

I didn't realize that I was going to wake up at 3 am laughing my head off. When I finally realized that sleep wasn't going to happen for me at 8 am I rolled out of bed with a splitting headache, abs and jaw were also hurting from laughing so much last evening.

I've never been so happy to hang out with such a lively group before. Kaylee, Sam, Michael, Bushy, Joel and I decided to play Balderdash last night. I had no idea that it was going to turn into one of the funniest nights of my life. Everyone had a role to play and they did a first rate job. I found out a lot about my comrades and also about myself. Here is a run down of what happened.

I'm starting with Bushy because without her this game wouldn't have been so funny!

abbreviation: R.G.P.

Bushy's answer: Robert Gay Powell (the inventor of Balderdash)

word: piblockto

her answer: the crew you can hire to either teach you how pick locks or who will do it for you.

Don't worry Bush, your genius corn on the cob scam got you 4 points! I admire how you took all of the ridicule & mockery with elegance & grace.

Sammy Linebaugh: When I saw you in your BYU shirt & jacket I thought it would a good omen for you and the Cougars to win. So, why didn't you win? Is BYU going to lose?

By the way, St. John the Dip? Chocolate Factory huh :) ????

Kaylee: 1st off, I don't know why you didn't want to play this game, you were great. I do have to protest in my defense by saying that I'm not the loudest person in the room all the time so here is a list of people or things that are louder than I am:

1. Santa Claus

2. April Miller

3. Stampede of Elephants

4. 56 Trombones

5. A turkey when its head is being put through a grinder (Happy Thanksgiving)

6. Lisa Lampinelli (I would caution against looking her up on YouTube!)

Joel: I want to apologize for thinking that you were stupid enough to write down a terrorist attack for the description of a movie titled The Suitors :)

Michael: He actually has a new name , Mr. Tuttles of Tahiti

In case anyone was wondering tuttles of Tahiti refers to a person who lounges around frequently. Michael of course served as an instigator, prosecutor and spelling bee coach. Is it wrong that I think pus should be spelled puss. Is it wrong to think that on June 7, 1989 I celebrated my birth and that Michael's birthday is in 1964 (why didn't anyone vote for that answer?) One might wonder why I posted a picture of a walrus at the top of my blog, here is the story.

One of the words that I chose happened to be woopknacker. The definition of a woopknacker is an aggressive and loud person. I had to laugh out loud and exclaimed that everyone would probably start calling me this. Smiles and laughs were exchanged across the board but the person I noticed most was Michael. He had a smile across his face that was comparable to the smile the grinch had before he stole all the Christmas presents in Whoville. He scribbled so quickly like it was a race for his life. This is what his definition of what a woopknacker is:

Michael: One who is adept at mimicking the mating call of the walrus.

Bushy: A fan at a basketball game who appears on television more than 3 times.

Kaylee: A person who always insists on laughing the loudest.

Joel: The name used in the deep south for a pregnant slave.

Sam: A person who tells jokes to townspeople at others expense.

Its nice to know what people really think of me. By the way, my baby shower will be in a few weeks, I will be 8 months along.

Thanks you guys, lets do it again during Christmas break so that I can update my blog again.

So Rise and Shout

Its been such a great week except for the part when I came home from camping, blew my nose and saw nothing but black & sand snot. Its true that I don't care to be dirty but the sacrifice was well worth it to go to Fort Bragg this week. The Lord knew that I needed a good week before I begin to immerse myself in wedding plans. You really find out about people when you go camping for example, I'm not the loudest person after lights out, (its true, I'm not!) Some people like to either show up late or leave early to avoid the tediousness of setting up and tearing down. I like to think of these people as a bunch of casino Indians but why am I talking, I came late and left early. I also found out that Becky Hancock may or may not be a better nertz player than I am (I commend you for playing with all of those other older people, you are definitely better than any of them.) And of course I want to thank Costco for making the Dr. Pepper packs of 32, for the convenience of not going all the way into town to get my fill. I enjoyed soaking up the 60 degree temperature and arguing with Josh about getting made fun of by Michael (he thinks it never happened, that's ok, block out the bad memories.) I stayed with the Hughes, they were a lot of fun, especially when Don & I made fun of Darwin (called him cupcake amongst other things.) My body probably didn't enjoy gaining 10 pounds from eating junk for 3 days but everything tasted great.

The real crown of glory day was on Saturday. I want to thank Sam Hancock for researching a place for our small group to go to even though he ended up not coming. As the stars aligned in a most glorious fashion I watched BYU win a game that was predicted a 21 point favor for Oklahoma. What I have to say about that is, shove it, we won. It did help that Bradford got hurt but I have to admit that I was remarkably surprised when our defense looked like a defense. Some of you may have noticed that I removed Maxi Pad off of my hate list. I still think that he is an arrogant dipstick but I can't deny that his playing has improved. So thanks BYU for beating a 3rd ranked team, you made my day. It was nice to see old friends, dig glass out of my toes and play nertz until midnight.

Happy Birthday Michael

Here on this glorious day, I want to recognize the birthday of one, Michael Robertson. When I think of Michael I think of Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. I find it so hard to find fault with him when he has me in hysterics 95% of the time and for that I'm grateful. Angelee is always telling me not to encourage him but I have to admit that I love doing just that.

Most of the experiences I have had with Michael have already been blogged about and so with the help of my comrades I was able to find a few things out about my good friend.

1. Poor Twinkle

The Robertsons used to have a dog named Twinkle. It was a cute little dog even though it liked to chew on used tampons but as Twinkle got older, she started to lose her eye sight. Apparently Michael enjoyed putting boxes out in front of Twinkle's path so that when she ran through the
house she would run right into the boxes, falling over. Michael, I can't wait to see what Twinkle says to you in the hereafter :) !

2. How about a little peroxide?

Michael is very fashionable. He takes pride in being up to date on the latest trends but also likes separating himself from others in the clothing that he wears. Apparently when Michael had hair he wanted it to look perfect. I've been told that he would spend a substantial amount of time grooming his hair. This grooming included getting it blond by way of peroxide. He used to peroxide it over and over again so that he could have hair like Goldilocks. Well Michael, cheer up, now you don't have to worry about it anymore :)

3. I hate Michael Robertson

If someone would have told me 12 years ago that Michael and I were going to be friends I would have laughed in disbelief, here is why. One year when I was up at Ricks College I was going home for Christmas with Kevin and Josh. It was going to be a quick 9 hr drive home with no interruptions until Michael called Kevin and said that he was going to have to come get him in Provo because the cars were full there and Michael had neglected to secure himself a ride. I wasn't too thrilled to have to make a 4 hour detour but nevertheless I didn't really have a choice. I didn't hardly know Michael and so I didn't think he would really talk to me, I didn't have any idea what was in store!!! The whole ride home Michael made fun of Josh and I. Yes that is 10 uninterrupted hours of him teasing Josh and I. By the time I got out of the car I was ready to burst into tears. I ran inside the house, found my mother and yelled out to her as I started to sob, "I hate Michael Robertson and I hope that I never have to speak to him again!" Good thing I learned how to hold my own :) !

4. "If you could only understand my heat stroke!"

Back in the day before Pilar was married and Michael was working for Chris Craig they used to play nertz together. Apparently one day Michael had been working on a roof and nearly had a heat stroke. I'm going to wager that he had only drunk Dr. Pepper that day which dehydrates a person but there is no use in telling Michael that he needs to drink more water, he only argues with me about it. So he shows up to Angelee's, practically on all fours begging for ice cold water. He tells Angelee that he couldn't possibly play nertz because he can barely lift his head up. Finally he stated that he could play if he could lay down and just throw the cards out into the middle (POOR ANGELEE, HAD TO PICK THE CARDS UP AND PUT THEM ON THE RIGHT PILE.) At one point Angelee caught him with his eyes closed and he said, " give me a minute, I'm seeing spots." Angelee thought that he was so pathetic that she took a picture, it is the one that is on the top right. Way to milk it for all that its worth Michael!

Really Michael is wonderful. I'm grateful for his friendship. Michael, I wish that I could blow up a red balloon and shape it like a heart for you but I've realized that I'm not that close to the spirit :)

Finally

There doesn't seem to be too much of an upset that I haven't updated this blog but that's ok, I've decided that I do this blog as apart of my therapy and not to please or entertain anyone else. Maybe one of these days I will have money to invest into the internet in the home but I'm too busy anyway. One would ask what is consuming my time and I will tell you, wedding plans!!!!!!!! Don't worry, I haven't gone on an alcoholic binge, ended waking up with a ring on my finger, I'm referring to my brothers marriage. I just want to say that I HATE WEDDINGS!!!!!! What a waste of time! I don't care two stitches about a wedding and yet I seem to be in the center of this planning ceremony. To give you some examples of how much I hate weddings, here is a list of things that I would rather do than plan a wedding:

1. Take a hike up to the Y with Nazi Brown

2. Go a whole week without Dr. Pepper

3. Run a daycare for one day

4. Get on a treadmill for more than 30 minutes

5. Do Simon says with a pair of skates on

6. Crack open my rib cage

7. Be nice to everyone for one day

8. Have a tea & crumpet afternoon with John Miller
Good thing it will all be over in 22 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that Angelee & Raeanne have posted pics about the luchadora party but they didn't really say that much about it so let me have the honor of picking apart a bunch of middle aged crazies that think it is appropriate to dress in spandex and capes. I am happy that Raeanne suggested doing this, I think that she and I should go into the party planning business. The evening was definitely filled with laughs, especially when Pilar put on her little costume. Nothing short of two geniuses could have come up with such a magnanimous outfit. Thanks Raeanne. I'm also glad that I could be of assistance to Rob. Unfortunately the banners that we wanted to put up were too high for Rob, Raeanne and I and so I was on my hands & knees so that Rob could do jumping jacks on my back :) I was also happy about the fact that everyone took their turn to wrestle, great entertainment.

Lindsey's Reception. It was nice to see Lindsey and Jennie again. The reception was a blast but I think that the funniest part of it was when Joshie, Olive and some other children were trying to get into Michael's pond (good thing you weren't there to see that Michael, you would have drowned them.)

Cal Skate. For Kaylee's birthday we went to Cal Skate, if you don't know Kaylee you will think that she just turned 10 but no, she just turned 25. I had to admit that I was rather skeptical but there were some laughs when I was attempting to roller skate (yes I know, there should be a weight limit so that the poor skates don't break down.) Let me tell you why its horrible to be chubby. I couldn't even get my own skates on, Kaylee and Sam had to help. After their hard work I only made it around the rink 3 times but I did manage to not fall. Overall I had a fun time. Thanks for inviting me Kaylee.

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow ......

It seems as though I have been saying goodbye a lot in the last couple of weeks and
I have to say that I don't like it!!!

The first person I had to say goodbye to was Sean or should I Elder Robertson. I was so proud of him when he gave a great talk at church, it is very apparent that he is ready to serve the Lord. Good job Sean!!! I am going to miss this kid!

The other thing that I hate are these blasted horse shows or better known as horror shows. It sucks when your ONE friend that is in town that isn't cumbered by children leaves for what seems like an eternity in Kolob's time and so I'm left here to try on pink outfits with Angelee. I know that I should go and make more friends but lets be honest, I'm too big of a jerk to try and impress new people!

One thing that diverted my attention was Lindsey Jagoda's bridal shower. LaNell & Jennie were in town so it was great to see them. Of course the batteries in my camera died and so I wasn't able to take a picture. Why do I have so many issues with my camera??? I can never get a single picture on that camera that I want to but somehow LaNell can capture me in any awkward situation and has them all stored up just waiting to lash out at any moment. My favorite shower moment was when Angelee was talking to sister McKee. This is how the conversation went:
" What is your daughter's name?"
"Charlee"
"Charlee, isn't that a boys name?"

Oh well, you can't win them all can you Pilar?????

The last story will probably embarrass my mother but all is fair when it comes to my blog. She and I were coming back from Chico the other day and it was very hot. There was a vehicle in front of us, two men driving a truck and a chocolate lab in the back of the truck. For those that don't know, my parents are really sensitive towards animals. My mother thought that it was inappropriate that the dog was in the back on such a hot day and so this is what she screamed out of the window, "I would like you to sit your rectums on a hot slab of metal so that you can see how it feels!" Hysterical. Thanks for being such an activist mother!

Last but not least. I have a question. Angelee stated at the shower that she is funnier than me. Is this true???

Guess Their Can't Be 2 Princesses in the House

First off I am taking up donations for 2 different things, the first being to fix this blasted glove box. Don't get me wrong (especially if you happen to read this Tracie,) but I feel like I'm holding a child on my lap when I'm sitting in Michael's vehicle. Michael is very grateful for a car to now drive around in but I couldn't help but laugh when I got in and it sounded as though the car let a moan for help. Good thing the car can't talk, it probably would have told me its not a nigger and that it will not be obliged to cart around 2 chubby people around The Ville. The other thing that I am taking up a donation for is a nacho libre outfit for Pilar. If she and I are going to continue to wrestle I feel like she should be properly dressed.

Oh, how cute, its a child. Since everyone knows I eat little children I just wanted to show my next victim (and you just thought I wanted to photograph your pretty face Raeanne!) Michelle was in town for a few days, its been nice to see her. She is extremely entertaining, bless her soul for down grading a bit just to hang out with me. If you have not already read Angelee's blog you should know that Angelee is a 5 star entertainer. Seriously Pilar, I think you should take your comedy to Vegas and be an intermission act for Celine Dion. Unfortunately I found out the hard way that I shouldn't bring any cookies because everyone will just eat them, and I thought I was the chubby princess.

The other thing that I found out is that their cannot be 2 princesses in a house at the same time!! Everyone knows that I am the chubby princess but everyone may not know that Angelee is the princess of everything else. For some reason whenever I am around her I feel that Anglee is threatened by my good looks, charismatic personality, good natured kindness to the point that an unspoken violence bursts out of her. I don't know what to do to make this right with her except to continually throw her down so that she knows who the boss is. The picture on her blog that shows her on top of me is after I threw her down and pounded her 5 times but couldn't defeat her anymore due to excess laughter. You think that a person would come up with a different tactical plan if they keep losing but I don't think that its getting through to her. Its going to be ok Pilar, I love you anyway.
By the way, my camera's battery went dead and so I didn't get the proper footage, unfortunately!!!!!!

As The World Turns

This week I turned my face into a corner ashamed of myself for being so dependent upon modern day technology. At the moment I have to rely upon the dog & rice smelling library in Oroville. I hate this bloody place anyway, I feel like I have to spray a pesticide all over my body so that I don't expose myself to any type of hepatitis. Luckily Michael Meyer is working on Shane's computer so I will be able to keep on top of my blog or maybe I could just let it go for 4 months like some people but I'm not going to name any names.

Another thing I've learned while being in Oroville is that my family is under the delusion that my room is a storage unit. Maybe I should start charging them a monthly fee for all of the effort I'm exuding to heave my mammoth body over boxes & crates just to make it into my bed. The other problem is that my whole family is now moved back into my parents' home. At one point we used to all fit in there pretty comfortably but now I'm thinking that either the house has shrunk or 4 polar bears + all their crap can longer fit (I'm thinking its the first option.)

Lastly I want to talk about my love of yard sales. I'm not talking about just any yard sale, I'm talking about a yard sale at ...... well I was going to write it down but I made the mistake of letting my mom read it and she told me that I was being too mean (she obviously doesn't know me very well.) Anyway, I was disappointed because I had no camera to take a picture but it was fun rummaging through to see if I needed anything there. Everything was for free but everything looked like it had came from the city dump. Michael and I looked searched relentlessly for a turkey baster to send to Erica but to no avail (sorry Erica, I know that you would have enjoyed getting that in the mail.) I did find a baby car seat which I almost took in case I decided to breed a liter of monsters. Fun times!

Oroville or Bust

Here is beautiful Michelle getting ready for her play. Michelle is awesome, we had a lot of fun for a week since she was gracious enough to let me stay with her before I left for California. I didn't realize that I was going to become so educated while I was with her. I learned how to pronounce both of my names backwards, I learned about all of the great BBC films and last but not least, I learned how to say no when a dog wants to make out with you (but thanks for the offer Nadra!)

Well I packed all of my crap in the car and started the long drive home with Claudia (yes I named the car after Claudia Bendorf, she sold me the car.) I know that everyone thought that the car wouldn't make it but I didn't have a single problem with it so happy day for me. I have only been in Oroville for one day but already I am getting sentimental and definitely miss certain things about Utah which brings me to the purpose of my post.

10 Things I Miss About Utah
1. No, its not the snow!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Having the slight possibility of running into Jimmer Fredette so that I can proceed to make a fool out of myself.
3. Taking weekly walks with LaNell up to the Y (yes, weekly!)
4. My job, it really was a great job and I worked with awesome people.
5. Driving to Oroville with Sam so that we could discuss the inner workings of every single soul that is from Oroville.
6. Getting scared by Dan.
7. Good restaurants that are appealing to a chubby princess.
8. Watching the BYU Cougars dominate!
9. Going to the BYU library to read.
10. STROGANOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Utah is great but being home is great to. Already I have come up with several blog title entries that include:
I'm only a part time friend
Do you want to hit that?
The grand majesty of Lou Holtz
Ghettorific
I'm taking up donations for the antler house
Nothing beats the service of Taco Bell
Gardening issues, everyone has them
My family IS crazy!

Good ol' Coach

With Father's Day coming up tomorrow I thought that I would say a few things about my old man. For those that know him know that he has what I like to call a "different personality." Don't get me wrong, he definitely has some nice qualities about himself but sometimes I do think that he undeniably crazy!!! I shouldn't complain that he is crazy because it has caused several entertaining experiences over the years. Here is a few of them:

One day my mother went shopping and took Shane & I with her so my father was alone with the dog at home. When we arrived back home we were walking up the sidewalk with groceries in our hands and all of a sudden my father opens the door with a look of sheer panic on his face. We all noticed and stopped wondering what the problem was. Coach looked at my mom and said, "don't worry Nancy, I got the fire under control." Of course my mother is moving in a quick like fashion to the inside of the house to find that the microwave was burnt to a crisp on the inside. Luckily my father had put out the flames before we had gotten there. My mother says, "Ken, what were you cooking in the microwave?" "Just baking a potato." "How long did you cook the potato for Ken?" "Just around 35 minutes, isn't that how long you are supposed to cook it for?" 35 minutes!!!!One potato, 35 minutes!! Nice job Coach! Needless to say we got a new microwave that day. :)

I know that a lot of people have heard this story but its one of my personal favorites so I will share it again. For those that don't know, my father is a retired teacher, he also coached football and basketball. When I came home from my mission, my parents were standing there waiting for me. My father isn't a real affectionate person but he came to me and put his arm around me. Keep in mind I hadn't seen the man in 18 months so you think he would say something like, "I'm so happy to see you or glad that you are home." Nope nothing like that was said, instead the first thing he said to me was, "I'm proud of you, you can call me coach now." Why does that still make me laugh?? So now I call him coach, the funny thing about it is that I think he likes hearing that more than dad or father :)

Last story. Shane and I like to play jokes on the old man because we usually get a rise out of him, his reactions meet our expectations. My dad had come into the house, he had just gotten back from the store and had purchased some snack pack tapioca pudding. I think that he was craving it so he wanted to wait for it to get cold so he went outside to do some yard work. Well, tapioca sounded good to Shane & I and so we polished off the entire 8 pack of it. Don't worry, we kept the carton containers, put them back in the fridge with a post it note attached to it that said, "thanks sucker!" Well you can imagine the rest of it. When my father walked in to eat his pudding Shane & I were very quiet and then all of a sudden we hear, "you ate the whole bloomin' thing!" :) Good times.

One of the best memories I have with my father is going to a Kings vs. Suns game at the Arco Arena. I had bought court side seats for his Christmas present. He loves Steve Nash and enjoyed watching the game in such close proximity to the players. We had a fun time. Good times with the Coach.

This Will Be A Night That Is Hard To Forget!

Well well, here we go. I love these weekly assault rituals that I provide for everyone on my blog which makes me think, "everyone knows that if they do something ridiculous or funny enough I will surely post about it so why do people invite me to places?" I guess some people are just nice, which I'll be honest, I don't understand that kind of behavior.

Here is a case of some people trying to be nice but ended up being very entertaining as well so I want to personally thank the Nettesheim family, Nellers and Joelie for an entertaining evening.

We kind of had a little going away party because I am leaving Utah to move home to Oroville (you know, home of the golden teeth.) I know that I have talked about Ben's stroganoff before but I must say that if Ben was a person comparable to the wicked witch on Hansel & Gretal and made a house of stroganoff to lure little greedy chubby kids there, he would have made a meal out of me a long time ago. Nothing can stop me from showing up at Jana & Ben's if they say they are making stroganoff. The food was good, thank you so much!!

Don't ask me what Ben & Joel are doing ( I guess they are guarding their women. One might ask if LaNell is Joel's woman, I think that they would be a cute couple. They both like to hike, play sports, talk about how wonderful they are at sports and criticize fat people; that sounds like a match made in heaven to me.)

Here is Cali's reaction to me after LaNell told her I eat children. She is sure cute!

Here is a funny story that nobody will believe. I tend to have my favorites and Packer happens to be one of them when he isn't PMSing. I love to play with Packer. I was sitting on the couch and throwing Packer around. Master Brown decides that she would be more entertaining and so she told Packer to come to her so that she could play with him. I was thrilled when I heard Packer's response, "NO!" Thanks Packer, you made my day!

Here is Brewer. I'm going to miss this cute dog. He loves getting massages from me therefore I love giving them to him.

Finally, here is the grand finale. This is when it gets a little out of control.

For some reason the subject of musicals come up and then the conversation turns to Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. This show is ridiculous, if you have been able to avoid it thus far in your life, I salute you! Who even owns this show, oh wait a minute, Jana & Ben do. While Ben was popping in the video I offered to give everyone a shoulder rub. The Brownie Monster can't just accept a shoulder rub, she had to ask for a butt rub. Here is the following dialog:

Mikila "you don't have a butt"

LaNell "I know, can I have some of yours Jana?"

Ben "I'm not giving up any of MY wife's butt, I had to pay for that transplant!"

Before that conversation there was another butt conversation which went like this:

Jana "I love a big booty."

Ben "I KNOW you do!"

I would like to continue but the vulgarity is just too much for me and I want this to be a PG rated blog, not PG -13. I also found out that LaNell's favorite song to sing right after she says her prayer at night is Bless Your Beautiful Hide from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Supposedly she thinks that this will draw a man to her. I also found out that there is such a thing as "bedroom voice." I didn't know exactly what that meant and so I asked Jana to demonstrate it for me, she all of a sudden became gun shy, I guess I will just have to keep on wondering.

I did have fun. Thanks you guys. I think I will close with my favorite line from the seven brides movie: "Nice night for a coon hunt!"

Here We Go Again

Yes I do realize that I have been posting frequently but today I am bored out of my mind since I am sitting at home with strep throat, yes, strep throat folks. Some of you will recall that I had this a month ago so what in the world am I doing with it again. It might possibly have something to do with my soda intake + no sleep lifestyle + coming in contact with a lot of people at the work place. No matter, I broke down and went to the doctor and am now drugged up. The funny thing about strep throat is that several people have commented, "you have that again, maybe you shouldn't make out with so many different men so much." What in the world is that supposed to mean? Its true that I wouldn't mind a random make out session with a guy if I thought I would never see them again but I just don't walk around and ask for this form of entertainment. I probably would be happier about this confounded sickness if I had got it from some hot guy which brings me to the point of this post.

Top 10 Guys I Would Love to Get Strep Throat From:

Dwayne Wade

Naveen Andrews

LeBron James

David Beckham

Collin Ferrell

Brad Pitt

Reggie Bush

Robert Pattinson

Jimmer Fredette
and Terrence Howard ( I couldn't upload his picture for some reason)

Let Her Ride

"The Blind Leading the Blind!"

Everyone knows this term and I didn't know until last night that Erica Hancock and I were both blind (its amazing that we have been able to cover the secret up for so long!) This is what Than said about us when Erica told him that she was teaching me how to play bridge.

I'm on here to demand an explanation! Am I really that slow in picking up how to play games or is Than just jealous that both Erica and I could demolish him in a game of nertz?

Despite the verbal bashing I received I enjoyed myself immensely. Erica is one of the few people that will play nertz with me and so we played two rounds. It was only supposed to be one round but Erica thought it was just luck that I won the first time so I had to demonstrate my cat like speed and reflexes to her a second time :) . Its ok Erica, you should feel privileged that I will even play with you, I have been told that I'm a nertz snob :) !!

After that she showed me how to play bridge. Researching the game I've realized that it is an old rich lady game, kind of funny. I love playing it, even though I am horrible at math and poor Erica had to be patient with me. The funny thing about this is the fact that at certain times its appropriate to use the term ( lets be honest, I can't even remember now even though I wrote it down.) Instead I conjured up let her ride and kept saying that even though Erica told me the proper term over and over again. It was a joke by the end of the night, but my bloody heck, its seriously bugging me that I still can't remember the proper term.

Thanks for being patient with the mentally retarded + blind girl Erica, I enjoyed myself and I think you are a great teacher! :)

Meet My Friend, His Name is Food

I thought that I would start out with a nice little poem by Shell Silverstein:
"If I could only see the scale, I know that
it would state; that I've lost some inches, maybe pounds
or even tons of weight.
You'd better eat some pancakes
your looking as skinny as a
rail. I know that's what the scale would say, If I could only
see the scale."
I have greatly appreciated the gifts that people have given to me for my birthday but my favorite present has been a gift certificate to Tucanos. If you haven't been to Tucanos let me just tell you that it is a chubby girls paradise! They have all you can eat Brazilian food, its so blasted good!!!!!! Dan was kind enough to come with me. I forgot to bring my camera in and so I couldn't take a picture of all the bones on our plates. I do have to admit that I felt bad for not getting a plate to go and sending it to Angelo who has been craving Brazilian food but we all know Oroville, probably 1/2 the town doesn't even know how to spell Brazil let alone knowing that these types of resteraunts exist. Dan is one of my favorite people to eat with, he has great taste in food. We thought about inviting LaNell but a skinny person has a hard time appreciating Tucanos, we knew that she would just complain about the cost and annoy us both :).

Even though my birthday was in May I haven't been able to use this coupon until now because of my nomad instincts to travel home every other weekend. This weekend it felt weird that I was staying in town. I think I need to learn how to calm down :) !!

Happy Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a glorious day for me (not to mention BYU haha!) Yesterday BYU signed up the nations #1 ranked quarterback Jake Heapes. They also signed up Ross Apo (wide receiver)and Zach Stout(middle linebacker) who are also top ranked. Unfortunately these young men are about to start their senior year of high school and so we won't see them for 2 more years but the anticipation has me doing jumping jacks!!!!!!!!!!! (Yes, you can all come to the hospital to visit me, my body isn't used to such activities) Hopefully we don't have another Ben Olson situation, if we do I hope that the filthy Jews get their legs broken for some other school!

Stout, Apo, Heapes
Yes there is another plus to this!! Everyone knows I like the dark chocolate!!! Is it wrong that I think someone who is 11 years younger than me is hot??? These guys are amazing, they could have gone to any BCS school hailed as Gods and instead they chose BYU, in my book they get a gold star for life! When is Max Hall going to be done anyway?? I'm so sick of that bloody elf looking ego maniac that a change in the roster has excited me abundantly. Good luck to these
young men, have I mentioned that I'm very excited ???? :)

Does Anybody Know A Mexican?

Since I enjoyed assisting Joel with his tie advertising, I thought that I would do it again out of the kindness of my over worked heart.This is Michael (yes the one that is being restrained in saran wrap.) He is in need of a Mexican named Rosalinda (or at least be willing to change her name to Rosalinda.)

Here is a list of the requirements and qualifications:

1. Needs to be skinny, this is a highly demanding job!

2. Needs to know enough English to understand words & phrases like cucumber sandwich,

walk up to the 7V, 10 hr. massage, rub my feet, find the remote, Dr. Pepper, clip my toe nails,

find my knittin' sticks

3. Be willing to push the lawn mower while I take a nap in my hammock.

4. Do the dishes on my assigned day.

5. Chase the next door neighbor's dog when it tries to poop in the yard or pick it up

if you are too late.

6. Tape the Ru Paul Drag Race show when I am away from home.

7. Find a wife for me that is worth 3 million dollars.

Payment will be a 10 lb bag of rice every week and a few pinto beans.

Let me know if you are interested in filling the position.

Things I've Picked Up in the Last 28 Years

With another year passing by me I decided to pass on what I have learned so far. It hasn't been much but I have managed to survive :) !

1. Don't tell anyone that Dr. Pepper is the nectar of the Gods, they will

only mock you for it!

2. That rainbow shorts are in fashion no matter what decade you are

in ( I wished I had a pair, I would totally wear them!)

3. If you don't love BYU, your father WILL disown you!

4. That I have been pregnant for years now but have never given birth. (What

is the deal? I suffer from cravings, fatigue, irritation from others, swelling, weight

gain and sweating to death!)

5. If LaNell ever asks you to go on a short shopping trip or a brief walk, just say NO!

6. Don't rub people's chest if it happens to be hairy :)

7. If your father calls you on the telephone and says "Coach to Jimmer, "

just pretend like you are a guy that just happens to play for BYU and chose not to

be offended because you weren't born male.

8. Never eat Burger King before you do an endowment session at the Reno temple, yes,

you will get food poisoning and throw up everywhere!

9. Whenever you are sad, depressed, neurotic, upset or about to die

because you are bleeding excessively out

of your vagina get a Haagen Daas, it will cheer you up.

10. Its always better to be a little on the chubbers side, people won't be that rude to

you in fear of getting sat on or being eaten :) ( I have been informed that

I eat little children!)

Come Check Out the Ties

My good friend Joel Robertson is starting a tie business. I've been excited about it ever since he told me that he wanted to do this. For those that don't know Joel, he is a hard worker and has an inventive mind. Sometimes I have to laugh at him because his brain runs at an accelerated rate of 10,000 miles per hour :).

I went by Joel's to take some pictures of his ties. I really like the ties, there is a variety of designs (100 to be exact) and they come in a handy little tot bag. There are matching children and adult ties. Another thing I love about the ties is that they are named. Style names include Tommy, Gordon and my personal favorite, Jimmer. In fact I think I will buy Jimmer and rap him around my own neck! (I am aware that this is morbid & sick!)

Neck Strings is opening May 11th. There will be a kiosk at the University Mall in front of Gear for Guys. The ties are affordable with a promotion that will run the entire week of Father's Day.

There is always a demand for ties. They are great gifts or if you are mad at a boyfriend or husband, they are durable enough to strangle anyone :).

In the words of a devoted customer, " I believe in Joel. "

Good luck Joel!!!

A Week in Auschwitz, Luckily it Ended Well

First I would like to say that Jana is a nice person. Second, I hate her guts. I know she thought that she was doing me some favor by letting me stay at her home for the week so that her family could go galavanting around without a care in the world. At first I was ecstatic to watch Jana's home for her and take care of Brewer & Pickles but alas, I AM a moron for thinking that things could go so well! Here is a fun list of events & situations that took place while I was at Jana's home.

1. Pickles decided that she didn't like to be tied up and so she some how broke her leash and then chewed it into smithereens.

2. Brewer must have made a deal with Pickles, because she then proceeded to chew Brewer's collar off so that they were both free to fancy a walk through the yard, tearing up whatever they could get their mouths on.

3. I was going to clean the yard up but I fell deathly ill with strep throat and was barely able to pet Brewer on the head. I don't know if this is just a coincidence but Udine, Jana and I were the only ones to receive this horrible fate (I'm 98% positive that Jana gave it to Udine and I just for laughs!)

4. While I was laying on deaths door I thought I would pass the time on the computer. While I was on the computer Brewer bumped into it and it wouldn't work. For me it was unfixable and so I spent my time staring into the eternal bottomless pit which I thought would soon engulf me (no, I'm not trying to be melodramatic, this is an actual event!)

5. I missed the first 25 minutes of LOST because the DVR didn't tape all of it (stupid DVR, if it was a person that didn't tape LOST for me, I would have beat them until their mother failed to recognize them!)

Anyway .... that was the scenario until I located some antibiotics and realized that the pit of eternal darkness wasn't going to engulf me. Things started to look up when I thought that I could go home for the weekend. Even though it was a short trip I enjoyed myself. LaNell, Dan and Sam where kind enough to let me come along. Since we didn't leave until Thursday night, the trip lasted well into the midnight hours. You know what happens when people start to get tired, they get a little crazy!!!! I must admit that I didn't realize how knowledgeable LaNell is about bears. Anything that you would like to know about them and more, Master Brown has stored away in her cranium. For some reason the subject of bear mating calls came up and so Dan and Sam decided to act it out. All I have to say is that I woke up the next morning thinking that I did 2,000 sit ups (lets be honest, the chubby girl is not doing any 2,000 sit ups!) I laughed so hard that I almost had another pee my pants story. I would just like to say that I would pay money to see Dan and Sam yell these so called mating dialects out with real bears to see if it works :). Other funny quotes that were presented include:

"I would like to stop in Battle Mountain".... "Tough titty" ... "Lets hope not." Yes all three statements were said by 3 different people.

We got to lock arms with each other and sing We Can Be Together Forever..... isn't that special!

LaNell tried to exercise in the car to her ridiculous music (yes she did try to get the rest of us to join her but it only ended with Tubby 1 & 2 and the Chubby Princess looking at her in disgust.)

Other cool things that happened when I was home:

Sean Robertson got his mission call to the Houston, Texas Mission speaking Spanish. I have to say that I was very shocked but I am very happy for him. He will be a great missionary! Good job Sean.

I fell on the pavement because everyone had their bags on the ground and so I tripped on one of the straps. The great thing about it is LaNell was near me and could have prevented me from falling but chose instead to move so that she could watch and then laugh. Thanks for the help Nellers!

It was great to go home and visit family and friends!

Easter Isn't Great For A Chubby Girl

Here is good ol' Sasha right after she did my hair. I do have to say that the smile is fake! In fact I thought I was going to cry when I saw that I looked like a zebra. I actually like my hair now but for some reason, my hair didn't react the way it should to the hair coloring and so the red was really red and the brown turned black! I don't by any means blame Sasha, she is a great hair dresser but when a person like me gets shocked, there is a reason for it! Anyway I like Sasha so much, she has helped me out of a couple of sticky situations, the most current event is when I called her at 11 pm (I know she doesn't go to bed early,) to ask her if I could sleep at her house because I had just moved and couldn't find the house that I was supposed to be staying at (I know, my sense of direction hasn't improved much since high school haha.) She was more than happy to help. Thanks Sasha, you are the best!

Here is Easter Day. The day was actually great, the only thing I hate about Easter is the candy. It should be obvious to people that I like candy but the problem is that I eat all of it in like 3 days! The Hancocks and the Youngs gave me Easter baskets, thanks you guys, you are great even though I will probably gain 5 pounds this week! Right now I live with one of my old missionary companions Brittney Young. Her family has been very gracious in allowing me to stay at their home. They have been very kind and I enjoy being around them. For Easter dinner I went to Than & Erica's home. If anyone hasn't sampled some of Erica's home cooking, you really are missing out! Even though I threw one of her meals up in her bathroom I still love Erica's food. I also like to go over there because Than is constantly cringing at my comments. Yesterday I was told to shift my mouth down to a PG rating. Sorry Than, my filter is in repair right now.

Another Hero I Will Add To My List

I love this Maxine character! This is what I will be like in 30 years and I couldn't be prouder of myself if I could reach this level of intimidating sarcasm! I think that I will put one of these awesome quotes up once in a while since they please me.

Not a lot has been going on so I thought since Angelee never does memory Monday anymore that I would take over this one time (Hope this doesn't offend you Pilar.)

Since I'm stealing this tradition I thought I would honor Angelee by sharing an experience that I had with her in high school. One day Angelee and I decided to hang out with each other after school. We went to Angelee's home and found out that a bunch of the guys were going to go to the church to hang out and rollerblade, this sounded fun to us. The problem was Ben. He wouldn't take us and neither one of us had a driver's license so we were upset. Angelee decided it would be a good idea to hide in the car under a blanket unbeknowst to Ben. We climbed in the car and covered ourselves thinking that we were so sly but after several minutes we realized that Ben wasn't going to the church first and so signs of suffocation and heat stroke began. I thought that I was going to die!!! The funny thing is, we both knew if Ben caught us before he got to the church he would have straight up pitched us out of his car and so we waited. I am surprised that we didn't get caught because its not like we didn't take up a considerable amount of space and I know the blanket wasn't that large. The other trigger was listening to Angelee rattle off something funny that made me want to laugh such as, "we are going to die Mikila!" "I better start writing my will, can you see a pen or pencil anywhere?" "Mikila, I'm sorry that I told Than that you had a crush on him, please forgive me!" Ben probably did hear all of this but could have possibly have been amused so he said nothing. Finally we got to the church but Angelee and I were too scared to get out of the car so we waited a little while longer until we heard some screams. Correct me anyone if I'm wrong but I think that it was Jed Hancock that hurt himself but I just remember some blood and a gashed open arm. We decided to jump out to look at the commotion. I just remember Angelee trying to tell Ben that we had walked there from her house. Good times!

The other funny story that I thought about was with the Hughes. I don't know what it is about toilet papering a house that makes me feel so exhilarated & accomplished but I used to love it (and probably still do but I am now too chubby to do an adequate job and still run away fast enough!) So one evening I was spending the night with Carrie and Anika and I wanted to go toilet papering and so I talked them into doing the Reynolds house. For some reason I was feeling extra mischievous and so we not only took toilet paper but we also brought maxi pads, tampons and ketchup. We did our dastardly deed, the place looked like a high school girls bathroom by the time we were finished. That was fun but here is the funny part. Everyone hopefully can remember that the Reynolds gate is fairly large and tall, its also locked up at night. For some reason we had no problem getting over the fence to get in but had a lot of issues getting out. I remember Carrie and I getting over without too many problems but Anika got caught on the fence, I think she ripped her shirt so Carrie and I were laughing pretty loudly. Anika started to get worried because Carrie and I were not helping her after she asked us to and so she started yelling. All of a sudden the lights came on, Carrie and I start to run and Anika finally got herself over before Reuben came out screaming like a half crazed lunatic. Good thing he didn't catch us because he started yelling about if he caught us he would get his rifle out and shoot us! So out of spite and amusement we showed up the next day and papered their house again without getting shot at :)

I'm On Protest!

Before I jump into my protesting I do want to say that I'm excited for this weekend! Conference is my favorite time of year and I love it. I hope everyone takes advantage of it and watches this instead of watching March Madness (this is more of a caution to myself!)



Moving on .......



Its come to my attention that there is a numerous group of people that would like to see Michael Robertson start a blog. I tried to coax Michael into this while I was home but my pleas fell upon deaf ears. Michael I know that you have said that you have nothing to write about but I will beg to differ! Here is my list of subjects that I would like to hear about:

1. BYU, yes not a great time right now but football is just around the corner!

2. The doctrine of Kolob according to Frank Gomez.

3. Ward activities that include the attendance of Tina Bacon and Cross Eyes

4. Weddings that are held in your back yard

5. Moments in Elders Quorum

6. Dealings with the wonderful employees at the 7V

7. Video recording of you trying to grab objects with Jana's handy gadget

8. Tea & Scrumpet parties put on by Rosalinda.



I feel like I have giving so adequate ideas for you to start with. Everyone else should throw in some ideas.

Fun Times in the Ville

This is why I love Oroville. I can't imagine what Carrie's in laws thought as the "Carrieokey" group proceeded to give their rendition of I Am A Believer. Luckily they aren't jerks like I am and so they thought the musical presentation was wonderful. I have seen enough of these to appreciate that I grew up in the ghetto but thinking upon these monstrosities has made me wonder if we don't all belong in the crazy house.

Happy Day for Carrie! Carrie's wedding reception turned out nicely and the cultural hall looked great. I did try to pay Angelee off to go grab the ribbon around Carrie's waist and wrap it around her head, I guess my offer wasn't enticing enough.

How cute is this! The sole purpose of this picture was to show how healthy Princess Chuck is! The other day Maree suggested another name that I like very much, Chucky Rose. I kind of feel bad for this poor child, she is going to have a brother that hates her and everyone will make fun of her, I hope this girl is going to be a lot tougher than her mother. Pilar, you might want to invest in a pair of numb chucks for her.

I have had a nice visit with some old friends including the Draper family. I have a lot of fond memories with their family and enjoy catching up with them. Everyone knows I usually don't like kids but I must admit that Mia's kids are very cute. It was great to see you guys!

There are several things wrong with this picture! The first thing is the fact that I had to put a diaper and clothing on this giantess kid. I happened to be racing against Audrey Bruce who has changed thousands of diapers and put who knows how many clothes on children, it was completely ridiculous but I guess everyone got a good laugh out of watching me put a diaper on a kid while I was blind folded. The second thing wrong with this is this stupid doll. Apparently the doll is sacred because Angelee brought it straight from Brazil, there wasn't enough room in her suitcases for the doll and so the 20 year old attached the doll to the outside of the suicase. Nice work Pilar!

This event was probably the highlight of my trip! Look carefully at the crumpled piece of paper. Its probably not a good idea for Michael, Angelee and I to play nertz together due to Maree telling us that she could hear us at the edge of the universe. So anyway, we decided to play cards at Maree's home; tempers raged, hands were slapped, (yes, Angelee slapped Michael's hand at least 4 times!) cards were dashed (this is where there are blanks on the page.) It does say that Michael won both games but it also states that he cheated twice and so everyone can make their own observations.

ESPN - Tournament Challenge - mghemstalk 8

I am going to post my favorite bracket but first a story to the wise. Don't ever lock the keys in your car and leave the spare key in California! Luckily my Light in Shinning Armor showed up to help me. Let me just put out the word for Joel. Not only will he be a great tie salesmen but if anyone needs a car thief, Joel should be your man. Honestly I thought he and I were going to be out there for ever trying to get my car open but Joel just showed up, put his light on his head, got out his wire and had my car open in minutes.




ESPN - Tournament Challenge - mghemstalk 8

Today I have been toiling and pondering over my brackets on ESPN. I even thought of buying the $70.00 Direct TV package so that I could watch BYU win twice (I'm not laughing at you Michael, I'm laughing with you.) I chose this bracket to share with everyone because it is how I would like to see things turn out even though I know it is a long shot. Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight, I can hardly wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO COUGARS!

The Best Meal Ever

The day has finally come but to my dismay BYU got the shaft!!! I couldn't hardly handle waiting to see where BYU would go and also LaNell and I got invited over for stroganoff at Jana & Ben's house. Thanks for the great stroganoff Ben, you get a 4 star salute! Why in the world would BYU play a team for the second time in a row? For once I would like to see BYU get out of the first round but I won't hold my breathe!!! If they do win, I vow to buy Michael the gadget that Jana raved about on her blog :) !

LaNell Will Be the Doom of Me!!!!

I apologize for any inconvenience my lack of writing may have caused to my faithful followers but I have been on death's door most of the week and couldn't find the strength to put my brackets up for the Mountain West Conference Tournament. One of the reasons why I couldn't write was because I had the stomach flu. I shouldn't complain that I had it, it should be any chubby girls wish to lose 15 pounds in 3 days but when you are surrounded by skinny people that constantly make fun of you, video tape you and laugh when you are heaving your guts out recovery isn't very cheerful. Here is a friendly tip for those that are unaware; never go to your friends' home and throw up all over there bathroom. Yes, it is a sad tale when you are invited over to Than & Erica's for a lovely meal and then thank them for it by upchucking and contaminating their entire family! I do have to say that I was taken back when I heard a knock on the bathroom door and heard Than say, "Mikila, are you ok, let me come in there and clean it up." Than, that was very kind, thank you! Along with the kind words of Than I can also recall encouraging words from LaNell like, "you aren't even sick ..... I'm going to call your boss and tell her that you just want to stay home and watch the BYU game ..... you better not get me sick, I have a hot date Friday night ........ you and Sam have been monopolizing the TV the entire day...... Why do you think that Dwyane Wade is so hot, you two should have a kid and call it Tuffy Jimmer Wade .... you should be feeling better now since your eating ice cream!" I also had to hear about LaNell's ailments all night even though I was the one that was not feeling well

"my knees are hurting ..... I'm so tired .... can I have the remote, I don't want to watch basketball all night!" Well needless to say it turned out into an amusing night and for the most part,I have to admit that at one point I was rolling on the floor with laughter so I guess that means The Brownie Monster did say a couple of funny things. I had a good day except when I had to endure TCU losing to Utah, the stupid idiots! Which brings me to my next picture.

Bless my roommates soul, she isn't a sports fan at all and is a Ute graduate. Katie said 2 fairly humorous comments last night. The first was when I was making fun of ugly face (Nevill)and Katie said, "Are you saying that if he asked you out you would say no Mikila?" Sam, LaNell and I just looked at her for a minute in amazement and then I finally found some words which included, " I hate the Utes!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Who would even consider asking me that, I wouldn't even care if the huge ugly Australian was the most gorgeous man on the earth and was madly in love with me, he should have chose a different school!" The other funny thing that my roommate asked was, "does March Madness last one day?" If LaNell wouldn't have been there I would have told her yes. I am impressed she knew that there was such a thing as March Madness. This is an exciting month and with BYU in the Big Dance I am going to have to agree with Jana and say that my eyes will be glued to the television (maybe I will have to get the stomach flu again!) Hopefully LaNell will share the remote with me! I will be posting my brackets for the tournament up on my blog, I hope that others will do the same.