Rantings and Ravings

Well LaNell has reminded me that it has been too long and Sam is disappointed that I haven't shared our recent felon story so I guess its time to write.


Good News: Dan Brown sold me his camera and I am very happy with it!! Now I can have more pics on the blog. Thanks Dan!
Bad News: I forgot that I had the camera when I went to the Energy Solutions Arena & Temple Square and so there are no pictures to show for it (I'm an IDIOT!)


Good News: I got to go to the Energy Solutions Arena and watch the BYU vs. Utah State game which was awesome!!! (Go Cougars!)
Bad News: Several things! Our seats were so high up Sam & I wouldn't of stood a chance in the event of an earthquake. Second problem - who makes a poor chubby girl climb all of those steps, I thought I was going into cardiac arrest! Third problem - I think Sam Hancock looks for ways of getting me in trouble everytime we are around each other. This time he talked me into getting onto the TRAX without a ticket (there is a hefty fine involved if you are caught on there without a ticket, Sam you were wrong!) Fourth problem - Sam is no fighter, an army of ants could destroy him! I could have beaten him up before I turned 6 years old. I don't think he is aware of this because he started a fight with some Aggie fans (by the way we were surrounded by them.) So here I am thinking,"great Sam, we are going to get thrown out, I'm going to miss the game and you are going to get the crap beat out of yourself and I am probably going to end up fighting because it will make me feel bad to see you get hurt:)"


Good News: I got to go to the BYU vs. Portland game. Caleb Brown was in town and wanted to come with me. The Cougars won, we were 7-0.
Bad News: Caleb pleaded with me to get the lower bowl tickets which are 18.00 and not something I'm really willing to pay for but since he hadn't been to a BYU basketball game before I gave in. After half time I had to move because the seats were too uncomfortable for Caleb. He later ditched me for Sean Robertson, thanks a lot Caleb, no more games for you !!!!! :)


Good News: Than & Erica had their waissal party, Grandma Robertson's famous punch was there and I slammed Erica in a game of nertz
Bad News: Erica you didn't even make mention of such a party or the fact that I am the Queen of Nertz. The least you could have done was to take a picture of Joel and ask for money donations to get that kid a new wardrobe! Seriously Joel, that sweater looks like it was made by Mrs. Claus herself in 1903!

Good News: Jana had a girl, they are both doing well.
Bad News: It wasn't a boy so she couldn't name it Jimmer!!!!!

Good News: I get to go home for Christmas this Saturday!
Bad News: I have to go with Master Brown and Dan who likes to scare me so don't be surprised if I get to Oroville by way of heavy liqueur.

Please Forgive Me

I need to ask for forgiveness for 2 things: 1. For bothering half the people on my phone list and waking up my roommate. 2. For using this forum to act completely out of character & in a most ridiculous manner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think that I experienced the most exhilarating night of my life yesterday! As some of you know I have "thing" for Jimmer Fredette. Last night I was ushering at a UVU basketball game. I was on the floor because my boss knows I like to watch the games. All of a sudden I see 6 guys walking to their seats. Jimmer, Tavenari, Abouo and a couple of other fine looking brothers :). I felt as though I was going to burst at the seams (You know, the seams of my chubby suit that I wear around everyday!) I thought I was going to pass out from excitement!!! I know this sounds like something that would take place in the Anne of Green Gables series but seriously it makes me want to vomit just knowing that I am acting this retarded!

So after the game was over the group lingered around. I knew then that it was now or never so I mustered enough courage to go and approach the group. I talked to Tavenari first, by the way, that guy is hot and he is dark enough!!!! I told him that I enjoyed watching him play (sorry Michael, I do like him even when he misses his 3 pointers! :) I got to shake Abouo's hand and then I got to talk to Jimmer. He probably thought that there was a break out from the insane asylum but he was very cordial to me and I don't believe that he remembered me from the last time I made a complete fool in front of him so that was good. I told him that I wanted to exchange 2 tickets to the Wake Forest game (big game for those that don't know) for massage therapy. Who knows if these tickets will come through for me but he was nice about it and I enjoyed talking to him.

The last ridiculous fact that I would like to share is the fact that my stomach was so full of butterflies last night that I couldn't fall asleep until 2 am! Maybe I need to take a steady dose of sedatives so that eventually I can come down from cloud 9.

Thanksgiving in the Ghetto

After spending four transcendent days in Oroville, I now know what I'm thankful for during this "special " time of year.

1. A full set of teeth: I'm suprised that a dentist can survive in Oroville, who are they working on?

2. Information - this is what I learned over the week:

- Its possible to bleed inside your bones (Thanks Kaylee, I must have missed that episode of MASH!)

- In the book Twilight, Bella ends up becoming a vampire (Sorry if that ruined it for anyone
but you will see that I don't care!)

- I can no longer beat up my 6'4 300 lb brother (Guess I will have to hire a negro for that!)
(You should be happy Than!)

3. My Family: Yes, we are a compilation of lunatics & jack rolling dandies!

4. Food: There is nothing that could make a chubby girl happier thank 50 lbs of fattening , sweet, high carb and emotionally satisfying sustenance!

5. BYU sports: Even though I would like to do nothing better than bottle up leprosy and spread it all over Max Hall; Jimmer will probably never notice me and ESPN will never recognize BYU's skill until Sam Hancock starts working for them. I do love BYU sports!



All in all I had a very enjoyable visit except the time went by so quickly. I was afraid for a moment that I was going to have to spend my vacation inside a prison cell for harboring a felon. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't bother asking!)

The Hall of Horrors

This was a big weekend for me. Friday was filled with excitement as I started my Friday by watching the BYU basketball game. A co-worker was kind enough to give me his ticket because he couldn't attend. After I got my free ticket and enjoyed watching the Cougars slaughter house Rice I felt a surge of euphoria. I thought that nothing could stop the football team. I didn't sleep very well at night, it was like waiting for Santa Claus to come bursting down the chimney to bring a win for the Cougars (good thing LaNell doesn't have a chimney and I don't like sharing the cookies!) I was in such a good mood Saturday morning that I had made a big breakfast for my ungrateful roommates who seemed to be laughing at me due to outbursts of song & dance. We decided to do a video to commemorate BYU's win that was already in the bag (or so I thought, maybe I'm mentally retarded.) Just so everyone knows, my roommate Katie attended the University of Utah.

You Ain't Cool Unless You Pee Your Pants!

First off I just want to laugh at the fact that so many people complained about there being no blog entry so I put one up and then no one comments just because I use the word nigger. If thats all it takes so that I can end this silly masquerade of mindless chatter then I will be using that and other words more.



I was trying to think of what to talk about, I really wanted to talk about the BYU game that LaNell & I went to but LaNell's head was in the clouds thinking about Prince Charming and so she forgot the camera. Its sad because our seats were so good that I got to touch the hem of Jimmer's shirt (Don't mind me, I'm just slightly twiterpated!)The game was fun and luckily we won, thanks to Cummard.



I thought that I would take a moment to tell a sad story that LaNell has been nagging me to tell for ages now. Fortunately there is no picture to go along with it but I'm sure if Michael had a camera he would have been more than happy to snap a shot of me in a moment of embarassment!!!! LaNell likes to call me chuckles, tragically my insessant laughter problem caught up with me one day when I was hanging out with Michael. We had gone to lunch over in Chico and then decided to walk around in a park. For some reason Michael decided that he wanted to be the funniest person in the world. Of coarse as the jokes became increasingly funnier I could not stop laughing to the point of heart attack. I couldn't breathe and I had indulged in several Dr. Peppers so I was telling Michael to stop or I was going to pee my pants. He of coarse found this hilarious and continued. Of coarse the breaking point was when I realized that I should have invested in a package of Pampers! I didn't know what to do, I was frantically searching for a restroom but there was only a gathering hall that was being used by a wedding reception. So I had to do what any chubby girl would do and that is to charge into the reception and quickly find a bathroom. Luckily no one stopped me to inquire about my attire, I guess they thought that I was just there to indulge in the cake. Luckily I didn't have too bad an accident but I did think about murdering Michael & investing in a catheter. So in the words of Billy Madison, "you ain't cool unless you pee your pants!"

I've been tagged by Pops

Sorry Raeanne that it took me so long to respond to the tag. By the way, you should not be sleeping on your stomach, its horrible for your neck!!!!! 7 weird things, are you sure thats it because I could probably write a Pulitzer Prize winning novel. Here is goes:

1. I really can't find my way out of a paper bag!
2. I love water! Michael might be the only one to think thats weird!
3. I like black people more than white people.
4. I have a weird phobia about washing my hands (I do it like 20 - 30 times a day!)
5. I talk to myself all of the time (I guess that is because there is no one better to talk to! haha)
6. I didn't learn how to whistle until I was 19.
7. I love to wear flip flops year around.

Why I Love Dogs More Than People!

Maybe its my old age or maybe its because I've decided not to care if people get offended if I should choose to not like them. The other day I was informed that its alright if I don't want to get married as long as I get a dog. For the first time the marital advice was good!! Here are the reasons for me being bias towards dogs.

1. Unconditional love 24 - 7

2. They don't come with baggage.

3. They don't require diamonds or trucks, just a nice t-bone steak once in a while.

4. They don't act self righteous and express opinions that no one cares about.

5. If its a black dog you can call it nigger and it won't pull a blade out on you.

6. Doesn't judge its master even if the master happens to be chubby.

7. You don't have to share your chocolate with it (it can kill them!

8. There is no binding contract, the animal can be taken away at any time if you are displeased with it.

I forgot to add that they are usually adorable like Brewer up here (sorry I took your picture Jana) Alas, I cannot own a dog for fear of LaNell shooting it on site (yes she would!!!!)

Walking Down Memory Lane with LaNell

When I moved in I noticed that LaNell went out of town very frequently. I attribute this need to leave due to teaching adolescents all day but now I believe that its because of me. What's wrong LaNell, am I demanding to much of you? I thought you liked bringing me my slippers, cleaning the house and bringing me milk & cookies at night. Well even though LaNell now despises me I still miss her when she leaves. Some of you may not know this but LaNell is my longest running roommate. I'm not sure if this is due to her being a masochist or if she thinks that by living with me she will get a one way ticket to the CK. Here are some pictures throughout the years that remind me of the good ol' days.







Between the 6 of us there isn't a shred of fashion sense or style. Remember when we all wore soccer socks & sandals to church.

Here we are in Florida for band. I think that LaNell still thinks that we are living in the Cretaceous period and that she is the mighty
Tyranesaurus Rex. Very Sexy!

Good ol' girls camp. If you will look very carefully you will find LaNell in a not so great mood. What happened to her that put such a sour expression on her face? Don't worry LaNell, your still pretty!

Graduation day! Here is what I think are some of the thoughts of my fellow graduates: Katie L." 5 is a good nubmer, yes that will be managable." Katie V." If I have to smile for one more picture I am going to rip my teeth out so no one wants me in their pic!" Angelee " Why does Katie get 5, I want to make out with 5 guys!" Mikila " When can I tear this necklace apart and the eat the candy?" Erica " Don't I look pretty, it took 24 hours to detangle & comb my hair"

When I attended Ricks I lived next door to Katie & LaNell. Good thing because you will notice that there was something in the water over there that made them think that College Avenue housing was a barnyard! Ounk, Ounk.

LaNell & I making our first snowman. LaNell & I fought over it because we needed a date for the next big dance. I think our date turned out fairly sexy.

This is a sight to behold! I don't know what is funnier, the actual Grandma underwear or the fact that Katie talked LaNell into putting a pair of them on!

Here is the crew. The BYU ers came up for a visit which turned out to be pretty fun. I wanted to put this picture in for 2 reasons: To show a pretty picture of Erica after Angelee's escapades and to make fun of Josh because he looks pretty stupid, go G.I. Joe!!!

The MTC. Sister Brown is either excited about the processed food she is eating or she is excited to see me. I can't say too much about Sister Brown at the MTC for fear of her telling the shower story. I will say that the story involves a sister missionary minding her own business in a shower who all of a sudden has to lunge for a towel (this is difficult for a chubby girl!) because another sister missionary feels like suprising her with a camera!

Post mission. I say post mission because it should indicate that LaNell & I should be mature, (oh well, you can't win them all!) This no doubt is a result of LaNell thinking that she can dominate me and say whatever she wants to. You would think that this head lock would teach her not to mess with me anymore but as you can see below, there was another attack.

Game Day

GO BYU!

I don't get to go to the actual BYU games very often so I was very excited when Than said he had an extra ticket. I knew it was going to be cold so I bundled up like an Eskimo (Than of coarse made fun of me and he also made fun of your nifty knitter work Michael, I think that you should obliterate him for that!) I have to admit that I was under the impression that the game would be so wonderful because BYU was going to annihilate New Mexico. After the first quarter I felt as though Pacen, Camry and I could beat the Cougars. Nobody played as well as they usually do, even my boyfriend Harvey wasn't getting the yards that he usually does (yes I am speaking of my fantasy & non existing world!) Anyway we pulled out the win and didn't go down in the polls (good thing I have some pull upstairs otherwise it wouldn't of happened!) I guess freezing was worth it but I will complain about something else. I decided I wanted to get a drink of water during half time which would have taken a few minutes but Than asked if I could stop at the snack bar and get him something (I should have told him to shove it!) I wasn't opposed to stopping until I was standing in line and it was very apparent that I was going to miss some of the game which I did (a whole 5 minutes on the clock!) Because its so loud I didn't hear my phone ring but I later noticed that Than had called and I had asked him why, he proceeded to tell me that he thought I had gotten lost and that is why I missed some of the game. I'll have you know that a chubby girl can always find food and I have managed to learn how to read over the years so that if I can't find my seat I can look at my ticket! Well all in all the day was fun. Thanks for the ticket!

Picture: Why is it that Evan is the only one that doesn't look ridiculous???? I was just wondering who waxes your eyebrows Than?

To My Dearest Mommy

Happy Birthday Mom! Not a lot of people know my mother simply because she lives with a bunch of loud mouth, high strung, domineering Hemstalks. She definitely is a behind the scenes person but in reality she is very witty & hilarious! There are a number of funny experiences that we have shared, most of which she has banned me from writing on here so I will do my best to share a couple of funny stories.





1. My mom was on the phone long distance with a company and I decided to go and sit on her lap to be funny. I was probably 14 years old at the time (definitely didn't fit on my mothers lap very well,) and all of a sudden the chair broke. After the loud crash and the obvious injuries one would think that I would immediately get up so that I could help my aging mother up. As some of you know I have a laughing problem and once I get started there is no stopping. So picture this: My mother and I are on the floor, I am in hysterics, my mother is trying to get up and she is still on the phone with a lady, she is asking me for help and I can't do a thing except double over with laughter. Who knows what the lady on the phone thought but finally my mom asked if she could call her back and she ended up helping herself off of the floor. Good thing the chair doesn't have a soul, it would have been a traumatic experience for it!




2. When I was a child our family would go down to the theme parks in the LA area every other year. Traffic has gotten consistently worse over the years and if anyone has been over the grape vine they know that its not easy driving. One year (and I believe its the last year we went!) my father was driving, the traffic was really bad and he made a few mistakes. My mother gets pretty nervous in vehicles so she finally hit her boiling point and stated, "stop this car right now, I will be taking a bus home." Mind you, we were going across the grape vine, there is no place to stop and there definitely isn't any bus stop nearby so my mother would have walked on the highway and somehow found a bus. Good thing we talked her out of it and made it home safely.




3. My mother has some key phrases that are unforgettable, here are a few of them: "hells bells"/ "say hi to your sister Sadie" (that is the dog that my mother tells us to say hello to) / "Mikila it always makes me nervous when you say everything is going to be alright."/ "I don't talk to anybody after 9 o'clock!"/ "Your a meat head!" / "Numbnut!" / "Ken, stop eating all the food!" / "What is an interception?"/

Happy Birthday Jana

Well as you can see from Angelee's blog, Jana and I have had are ups and downs (by that I mean that I am usually standing up and Jana is laying down due to the massive injuries!) I do remember a few funny moments with her that I will share.



1. One day I went over to the Robertsons to spend the night with Jana. The next day for some reason we decided to start wrestling (I know, seems so out of character for either one of us) so fists flew, people were down on the ground and all of a sudden Jana screams out in pain. Naturally I stopped to see what the problem was and Jana ran into a corner and appeared to be crying. I immediately went to apologize and Jana holds out what appeared to be a huge mole. Well unfortunately I was a pretty stupid kid and so I started to cry because I felt so bad and at that point Jana bursts into laughter. Its true that I did rip her mole off her back but the crying was a big act. If I had any sense I would have charged her for my doctor work and laughed in her face!

2. Here is the other funny story that came to mind, this happened about 2 years ago. Michael and I decided to come out to Utah and visit. We were at Jana's and LaNell aka The Brownie Monster came over. LaNell had recently been told about a nice 1 mile hike and since it was a beautiful day we all decided to hike and then wade in the lake. At this time Jana had Benj and I believe she was pregnant with the Pac Man. We know that LaNell hikes Everest every other weekend so a one miler isn't going to put a dent in her. I'm sure that in LaNell's mind she was thinking "great, I get to hike with a pregnant lady and her kid and 2 chubbies that think there exercise consists of walking to the car, getting out of the car at the 7v and walking in to get their Dr.Peppers for the day." I actually thought that I could make it but I was the first one to quit due to the fact that it sounded as though a train was walking up a hill. About 5 minutes after me Michael states that he didn't think the trail we were on was the right one so he said, "why don't you guys check it out and see where it leads, I'll wait right here." Second one down and two to go! About 5 minutes after that Jana who is carrying a kid starts to lose her zip and tells LaNell that she should go on without her. LaNell walks a few more steps and then decides to stop since her entire party is sitting on three different rocks waiting for her. Later on LaNell told me that she and Jana didn't even make it 1/2 a mile haha. The trip was fun even though LaNell still tries to get donations for the gas she said she wasted driving to the place, LaNell you know you loved getting all that marital advice from Michael!!



Good times Jana! I think your a great mom and friend.

Inspired by David Letterman

Well we all know who David Letterman is and personally I feel that he is a genius. He devised the Top 10 which I feel will be useful in crushing & demeaning Angelee's soul today. Before I start I just want to say that no one has given me more flack about my above average literature than Angelee so therefore the game is on. Pilar I just want to remind you that very few people have gained grace from me after I have striked their name in my black book, you however are one of the few but if this chastisement continues there is no coming back. With that said I will proceed to humble you.

Top Ten Reasons Why Its Merciful Of Me To Be Friends With Angelee:

10. Her favorite color is pink - that is a sign of a deranged mind!

9. She is a home wrecker - likes to eat donuts for breakfast with married men.

8. Tried to convince her friends that she was pregnant at age 12 by stuffing her shirt with a giant balloon.

7. Sounds like a battered donkey when she laughs.

6. Has stated that green beans are against the word of wisdom.

5. Likes to hide in cars in order to listen to other people's conversations.

4. Thinks that exercising consists of raising her arm to pop a frozen peppermint patty in her mouth.

3. Lives in a fantasy world that is a mixture of Alice and Wonderland & Wonderwoman.

2. Tries to get men to fall in love with her by organizing a camping trip and then forgetting her sleeping bag and tent.

1. Encourages her friends to write down who they have a crush on and then hand delivers the actual note to the crush.

Disclaimer: These events are a combination of the past and present. This Top 10 is a warning to those who think that they are going to be talking any trash about me on their blogs! If you don't like the fact that I am bias, racial, opinionated and a General hater then you can find a blog that has butterflies and tulips growing on it.

I Fell In Love!!

So if you don't already know this, I prefer dark skinned men! I am however willing to make an exception for one person (no it isn't Mike McBride.) I was in the BYU library and low and behold I get trapped into the elevator with Jimmer Fredette. Of coarse because I am half retarded he probably went home and told his roommates that some crazy chubby girl tried to tie him up and take him home, but it was worth it. I actually wasn't too ridiculous until I said, "I'm so glad that they got rid of Trent Plaisted!" Good thing Jimmer is pretty cool because after the awkward pause he laughed. Unfortunately I had no camera to prove that this experience happened because LaNell was climbing some ridiculous mountain (like we need proof of that!) so you all will just have to take my word for it. The only thing that was unsatisfying about this experience was that I didn't get to make out with him.

I Can't Believe I'm Doing This

I've always thought of myself as a person who doesn't follow the trodden path but apparently I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm still trying figure out how I got roped into the blog business. Its really not my fault, so naturally I'm going to blame it on Jana and Ben for offering $10.00 and also my landlord LaNell aka The Brownie Monster!!! This is not a title of endearment, LaNell really is a monster! I sympathize with the Jews a lot now except for the fact that they didn't have to pay rent to live in Auschwitz. I've never received so much scrutiny for being chubby. LaNell assigned herself as my wellness coordinator and writes assignments down for me to accomplish before the end of the day. These so called assignments are only things that LaNell & Richard Simmons could do.

Other complaints about The Monster include but are not limited to:

1. Doesn't laugh at my jokes when I'm obviously hilarious!

2. Drags me to stores that I have no desire to go to!

3. Has tried to put a Dr. Pepper and ice cream ban in the house (she obviously wants to see me die!)

4. Won't except my help when I offer (Am I physically handicapped?)

5. Writes false & derogatory statements about me on her blog!

6. She has informed me that I will call her Master Brown (someone has forgotten that they grew up in the ghetto!)


Well its apparent that I could go on for a while, suffice it to say that the reason I am doing this blog is to get back at LaNell! With all sincerity I love you LaNell!