Every dog has his day

It'e been real long since I wrote something. I was busy with all my entrance exams and stuff so finally I get back to some introspection, and bitching. That's what I maintain this blog for.

I have had too much going on in my life in the past few weeks, studying, socialising, working, sleepless nights, reading onepicaday (an awesome blog u oughta read!), and too mucha thinking. I really envy my best friend, let's call her sushi. We were having one of our usual lazying around-bitching sessions, and I started to read a newspaper, while she started staring at the ceiling. Me : Hey what's ya thinking? Sushi : Nothing at all, am blank.
Woa! I mean I wish I had a button in my brains which I could just put off causing some kinda black-out or say blank-out. And there are many more reasons why I envy and love sushi, more on that some other time, coz looks like I am digressing.

So, basically life's become like a sea-saw, a motorised sea-saw, connected to a turbine (???-that's scientifically imposisble!) with a speed high enough to get me to the highest of mountains, and deepest of trenches. Most times, am high on life, the other times, I sulk! All those who are having a tough time themselves, skip the next para, coz it would do you no good. Others, well you too might as well skip it!!

I have realised, that it's impossible for me to stay alone. I need someone around me in the house, especially in the nights, I can easily get all vulnerable and cranky. Mom was out of town, father was as usual, at home but inconspicuous by his mental absence, all absorbed in his work, phone calls and all that shit. I realised that the thing I really wanted to do once in my life - staying alone in an altogether new city, can't happen with me. I would go crazy. Dreams were nightmarish. I dreamt of people I always wanted to spend time with, but never could for some reasons. Not that I can't do that anymore, but life is not always straightforward where in one can just do what one wishes to do. I am too egoist to reconcile with certain long lost friends. It's not that I haven't put in efforts, I have, but after a while, being a human being, the big fat Ego triumphs over things like love, friendship, blah. So these were the "trenchy" days. Didn't last for more than 4 days, mom's back and man am I relieved!

Except for those dumb 4 days, life's been pretty much a swing, if not a roller coaster ride! Two of my friends from the US were in town. So we were meeting after real long! So we three hit a pub and downed a few cans of beer. I am not very fond of beer, I like having wine, sipping it down with all the elegance and panache of a lady, but with my guy friends I like having some beer with good rock music, and I love the swearing and bitching sessions that ensue. I have to tell all you girls out there, that bitching, is NOT a women's-exclusive trait. Guys do that too, and in a much more scientific and well informed manner! So basically we got all nostalgic about the good old college days, sulked about the new office-formal-trousers-and-pants life, thought of playing some snooker, but gave up on the idea, after we saw a few college kids hanging around and playing, as we all unanimously agreed that since we suck at the game, we'd be better off not showing off our boring formal office wear cum amazing snooker skills in front of those uber cool teens. So that was as close to getting high on life, beer as I could get.

Man!! I soo wanna have a tattoo, streak my hair red, get my navel ring pierced, dress like some boho chic! Why didn't I do all that in college? Why Why Why? It's not that I was a hard working student and all that shit. Neither was I popular for my singing/dancing/athletic/artistic skills. All I achieved in college was a degree in engineering!!! Engineeirng?? I hate engineering! What am I even doing as an engineer? Calculating some shit using excel worksheets and some random softwares? AArrgh.
It's high time I get my ass admitted to a good b-school, and do all the things I always wanted to do!

midnight blues

I am a nocturnal creature. I am most active after the sun sets. I hate sleeping early. Am trying to change this habit of mine coz first it's not healthy and second it sometimes gets balefully murky, or pensive is more like it.

This wasn't so when I was younger. I used to watch some t.v., make myself some hot coffee, and sit down with a book. I still do that, but my mind wanders to all the sadness around, I think of things that are all negative, sometimes I weep, weep about things that affect me in the least direct way. I watch some news telecast of a bomb blast happening somewhere far off, and I can't help but weep. I mean it is definately saddening, but no one who I know of cries over it! Sometimes there is nothing to trigger the tear gland, I mean nothing tangible, still I cry. I watch an ad made by some children's welfare, non-profit organisation and there I go! I get these bouts of sadness only in the nights. It's so unlike me. I mean as I write about this, it all just doesn't make any sense to me. I know of myself as a strong person, who can fight all odds, who can come out of any tough situation when confronted with. In fact I am known to be someone who is always talking, laughing and all that amongst my friends. I never cry if the protagonist/hero of some love story in a movie or a novel dies. I am not a sentimental fool! That's just not me!

The next morning I wake up, and am back to being my chirpy self. I think about the previous night and hate the puffy eyes and wonder what really went wrong. As I write this I try to analyse the flow of my thoughts in an objective manner. If a psychiatrist reads this please see me! I probably need your consultation!