One Powerful Video.

This video randomly stumbled on my youtube while streaming some videos just now.
And weirdly this make me cry.
Its remind me on my past self that once so ambitious to reach any dream and life target I assign, because I kinda "live inside the ambition passionately", the proud feeling being a person that surrounded by intellect people (not gonna lie about it, my friends are all amazing) , the feeling that I know I can achieve one thing to another if work hard, the feeling of grip to control my life under my plan. Its like everything rotating on my life can drive me passionately and make me able to fight the fatigue and exhaustion of trying to reach highest dream of my life.

I know I already write several times but still.. I really wish I can get back my old self, the passion, the emotion, the sensation of living life.

I know I should not always drown in jealousy or envy other people's life, but I just still cant accept this lack of drive in general.
Its like why bother to strive one achievement to another if life just feels so meaningless.

Never knew all happy times in the past can stab me so badly now, Its like everytime something flashing back good memories, its keep remind me on how I cant get the same feeling anymore.

Reminder.

"Jika kehidupan duniawi sudah tidak bisa dirasakan lagi nikmatnya, kejarlah kenikmatan akhirat yang abadi dan kekal"

2 days ago, I was trying to expose myself to social again, doin vacation with 7 stranger to one of indonesian "beautiful" city which is jogja. So, what happened when forcing myself into the world again ? yeah, relapse. we only doing trip for 3 days, then there is this time on 2nd day where everything relapsed back like in 2012, what I can remember is, I cant make any convo with others because the environtment around just feel so dull and empty while others just keep laughing, talking and enjoying the surrounding, I just there,so dissapointed and shock on how I didnt make any progress on myself, I still feel dead like before.

And then, anxiety strikes hard then brainfog and detached feeling slowly creeping in. since start of vacation I almost not talk at all, not that I dont want to, I just cant make any dialogue moreover cracking joke, its like my head can only process thing without emotional feeling that make me bond with others. On last day, day 3 my relapse neither worsened or recovered, I was really scared that I have to gone thru painful time again to endure the relapse.

But then the quote, makes me calmer, makes me realize that I have to stop demanding the world to feel enjoyable anymore, I just need to focus on how I can survive later in next life.

One Pieces.

Allright another music flashback
I dunno, one of my biggest hobby now is flashback-ing memory thru song, its refreshing my mind. Well you can say I live in the past, prolly yes thats true.

So this song, is the only one that bring some good memory in short 8 months in UI. Like the whole memory there is so blur like its so unreal and seems never happened but the memory associated with this song kinda clear, vivid, and actually have "feeling" inside it.

Good Time - Owl city & Carly Jaepsen is the song I sang with some friends at musical event that held in Psikologi UI called Dapur Psiko something cant remember well, its like 4 years ago. That time I was still in "denying" phase where I cant accept myself to be really numb and detached from reality, but this one song kinda spark on my head even only for slight second, but there is my "old" feeling and "old" self that come back suddenly, but after that everything become completely dead again.

I remember 1st time when I met all other psychology student, it was really good .. The feeling of meeting other great, prospective people, there is some sort of ... secure and proud feeling, that time Im so excited to meet more and more new people.

....

Allright, nevermind I cant remember any other memory too blur haha.
But this song definitely have a spark that relate to some good few memories in UI, but I cant pinpoint which one it is.

Basically,
When I listen to this song, I can remember that I "was" a college student and it was real.


I tried to re-read this post
But sentence and sentence doesnt seem correlate well but nvm.
"Write when ur heart tells to"
so yeah, my heart tells me to write this anw

Certain Flashback.

TURN ON THE MUSIC BEFORE PROCEED.

Just now, I listened to some disney music and one soundtrack from shrek "dance party" kinda buzz my feel. The line was "Dont go changing to try please me. You never let me down before, hmm." So I immidiately browse the song by typing that line in youtube search box and I got the song title, Just the way you are by Billy Joel. 

To be honest, I never heard this song before except the first line (since it was featured in shrek movie's song) but as soon I heard it, this song have somewhat reflecting atmosphere on certain strong emotional memories in my childhood and my teenagehood. As u can see, the song kinda looked like a song for wedding or "hotel-themed" song, and this music reminds of the moment when I went to a family gathering event that held by the company where my dad worked at when I still like 10 years old, yeah it was like 11 years ago. It was one of the happiest moment in my life, for 3 days we just having purely fun by doing some kid's activity like doing creativity drawing, swimming pool games and also fun science stuff. That time.. I was so adventurous (not that running around type but observing fascinated type), therefore I got lost somewhere and didnt registered to any event HAHA. Because the event is like this, the session will be started at certain times, u just register on the session and when the time come u just need to visit the place, since my parent busy with grown up stuff, the children just exploring around by itself, Im too busy observing the event decoration and the hotel's environment so I just keep randomly come to all session room, sit for 5 mins then go around again hehehe. I remember the room where we sleep has a natural leafy ascent and white silk curtain.. so beautiful and calming, I remember I join the fun science session, 17 agustusan style-grown up competition session, fun creative drawing session, hypno therapy session, and literally everything! :) There is also bbq party where the family do some performance, and the kids do clap percussion, and until now I still remember the movement haha. The breakfast also awesome, I ate pancake with real maple syrup, my first time tasting maple syrup. There is one highschool-age friend that helped me filling my water gun when I play around with it. me and my brother also met our new best friend named bondan, dunno how is he now, and he tried bajigur and puke it haha, kids.

I also remember another amazing memory when going to choir concert in my high school, dunno why this one emotionally strong that I can still remember how I feel that day, it was a concert in jakarta and me & other highschool friend goin there together with car to support our performing friend, so happy cos Im goin there with all my closest friend. The concert was good but the conversation either at car, concert place or when we goin to mosque near the place is the most memorable. Have u ever heard something like "This friendship will last forever" feeling ? that was it feels like, the warm yet deep convo, random laughing.. and yeah, I also perform there as random "alumnus" singing 2 songs which is dont stop believing but glee and amigos para siempre. I still remember the moment we practice this for weeks and when singing in the stage I still know the sensation of the stage light, the people that looks like enjoying ur singing, the fact that u and ur friend feels connected in the stage, like there will be forever. 

Yes, this song... so powerful that no matter I listen to it, I can feel the bond we used to have.

Because when I sing this before, I implicitly imagined all my best friend's face and that time, they all feel so precious to me.

how I wish.. life can be that colorful anymore

how I wish.. life have its soul again.

Tsk.