Friday, September 21, 2007
random things.
the phrase, "silence is golden" has attained a whole new level of meaning altogether. personally.apart from the fact that it is possibly and probably used mainly to keep kids quiet altogether, being stuck in a crowded SBS bus on the upper deck, with some inconsiderate person blasting music from the handphone, has made me realise how, after a tiring, long and exhausting day in school, accompanied by bad traffic and the usual 20 minutes ride turining into a 40 minute one, how coveted silence and peacefulness can actually be.
yeah. and the music was incomprehendable to me. for one, it was in tamil or hindi. two, the beat was soooooo repetitive. no, almost all the songs that were played were. they were LONG and repetitive.
I have nothing against indian music, really. in fact, some are pretty catchy to listen to. just that, i hate not being able to have some quiet time on the bus, already when everything around is so chaotic and the crowded conditions make me feel clustrophobic.
sigh. buses should start putting up new handphone signs; signs that say 'no music playing from handphones'. or else, companies should inhibit the production of phones with built-in music players altogether!!
one test that you are getting older too, can also be done on the bus, simply by sitting in front of two chatterboxes (preferbly from secondary or jc, and girls) to test your tolerance level.
one sign that you are INDEED OLDER is when you feel no joy or interest in whatever they're talking about (ie school, teachers, bf gf stuff, friends, gossip).
the next but most important one is when your internal monologue goes,"was i like that in secoondary school?" followed by a ,"i don't think i was that inconsiderate on the bus, was i?" then a ,"maybe i was like that when i was with friends, but.. naa.. i wasn't THAT BAD.. was i?"
lastly, and cliche but ever so truly, you go,"secondary school children these days... tsk.."
birthdays don't feel that great anymore. in fact, i don't need a cake even.
sarah at 11:43 pm
Monday, July 16, 2007
6 years and counting...
last satuday's weather for pvp was superbly fine (although i got alittle sun-burnt) and it is always great to meet up with old friends, comforted by thoughts that everyone is healthy, doing well, and in good hands. =) to that, I can only say, Thanks be to God!
I won't claim to know everyone as well as i did in sec school. there were some that, just felt awkward and weird to approach and talk to due to distance (HAH.. in singapore!?), age and mostly time. yep, time has taken its toil on friendships. after years of not talking to.. people inevitably draw away from one another.. with physical gaps and distance filled with not words of 'how have you been' but with silence, unfamilarity, strangeness and (most unfortunately) cynicism.
there's this wave of cynicism and skepticism that has washed over everyone these days. i wonder if it's a sign of the end of the world.. or whether it's just a plague that will never go away. globalization, technological advancements, affluence, disparity, has indeed made us better, more educated, comfortable. yet, is progress really good? i don't think the people who invented cars ever saw the day when their inevention actually caused more harm and damage than good and convenience. think global warming. wait.. we don't even have to look so far. this constant erraticness in our weather is already a clear sign that something is going wrong.
back to my main topic.
well, amazingly, i have know these fairsians for more than 6 years...some, as way back since primary school..and i am most grateful for their friendships for the past 12 years. time is, a sad yet intriguing entity.
anyhow, i am thankful. thankful for everything. for time, friendships, learning, growing and for the whole fairfield experience.
a world has opened for us
a world thats bright and gay
a world thats full of interest
since to school we found our way...
I won't claim to know everyone as well as i did in sec school. there were some that, just felt awkward and weird to approach and talk to due to distance (HAH.. in singapore!?), age and mostly time. yep, time has taken its toil on friendships. after years of not talking to.. people inevitably draw away from one another.. with physical gaps and distance filled with not words of 'how have you been' but with silence, unfamilarity, strangeness and (most unfortunately) cynicism.
there's this wave of cynicism and skepticism that has washed over everyone these days. i wonder if it's a sign of the end of the world.. or whether it's just a plague that will never go away. globalization, technological advancements, affluence, disparity, has indeed made us better, more educated, comfortable. yet, is progress really good? i don't think the people who invented cars ever saw the day when their inevention actually caused more harm and damage than good and convenience. think global warming. wait.. we don't even have to look so far. this constant erraticness in our weather is already a clear sign that something is going wrong.
back to my main topic.
well, amazingly, i have know these fairsians for more than 6 years...some, as way back since primary school..and i am most grateful for their friendships for the past 12 years. time is, a sad yet intriguing entity.
anyhow, i am thankful. thankful for everything. for time, friendships, learning, growing and for the whole fairfield experience.
a world has opened for us
a world thats bright and gay
a world thats full of interest
since to school we found our way...
sarah at 12:00 pm
Saturday, May 12, 2007
the promise of peace and rest.
Been quite bogged down the past few weeks since exams ended over a few things, in particular, about the new semester, and sadly (in a way), my final year in uni.I think my indecisiveness has reached a whole new level. I am Bad at making decisions, especially the more important decisions in my life as of now. Even after I had decided, quite resolutely on one thing, my mind constantly swings between this new decision, and my other alternatives. And so, my mind just swings back and forth, quite literally like a pendulum in motion, coming to a resting state right in the middle of the two ends, right back to where I started.
Many times, I wonder if my indecisiveness is a form of a lack of faith. Well, if I had more faith in God as to where I'm being led to and guided according to His will, I shouldn't be faltering, and getting so confused, and, indecisive. I don't think that my 'sudden' digging up of old stuff, the finding of my notebook, and the eventual stumbling onto something that I had jotted down years ago was by a chance coincidence. And I think this fruitful find, was meant as a refreshment of my track record of indecisiveness, of a lack of faith in God even, and ultimately, to serve as a wonderful reminder of God's faithfulness to us, and the promise of minds and hearts at peace, if only , if only we exersise our faith in God and His perfect will, instead of relying on our limited and falliable abilities.
Like a river glorious,
is God's perfect peace
Over all victorious in its bright increase
Perfect, yet it floweth,
Fuller everyday.
Perfect, yet it groweth, deeper all the way.
Hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand.
Never foe can follow
Never traitor stand.
Not a surge of worry, not a shade of care.
Not a blast of hurry
Touch the spirit there.
Every joy or trial falleth from above.
Traced upon our dial,
By the sun of love
We may trust Him fully, all for us to do.
They, who trust him wholly,
Find Him wholly true.
Stayed upon Jehovah,
Hearts are fully blessed.
Finding as He promised,
Perfect peace and rest.
-anon-
sarah at 11:36 pm
Thursday, May 10, 2007
my tribute.. to the superwoman in my life.
I always feel this way whenever I see my mum feeling so tired from doing nothing much and her pained expression due to her persistent shoulder-aches and headaches, and the worst part is, nothing seems to alleviate her pain and discomfort. And I, I just look upon her resting in bed, wishing I could go over to give her a back-pound or just a simple hug to comfort and ease some of the pain but all i manage is, " ma, are you alright?" A certain emptiness and loneliness overwhelmes me. I can't imagine what it will be like when one day, my mother leaves behind all her worries and pain for a better place- Heaven, while I struggle admist my tears and loneliness to find comfort in the fact that she's at a far better place where she'd be able to rest painlessly for eternity without a shread of worry nor fear about the future. Somehow, whenever I see her so helpless and succumbing to this thing called ageing, I can't help but feel that she is slowly fading away, simply counting to the days when God will call her home. I get very scared and paranoid whenever I hear her saying things like ,"maybe my yin-mai is diminishing', and "maybe God will take me home soon". Although these things were said in a moment of jest, I can't help but feel that she really did meant what she said.For the past decade, my new-year greeting has always been the same, that she'd be as fit as a horse, and age gracefully. Even my prayers for her, my dad are that God will bless them with good health, and that He'd keep them by my side for as long as His will allows their time on earth. But I understand that we, as sinners, do not have the right to demand from God. And I do admit that I still have not come to a point in my spiritual walk when God is at the centre of my life; indeed, my mum is the most important person in my life, and has always been these past 21 years of my life. I have sometimes wondered if God will take away this most important person in my life to teach me to love Him more, and to learn to treasure and love those around me more as well. But then again, I never was the sort of person to show my emotions and affections openly, not even to my own family. As i get older, I begin to physically distance myself away from my family. I can't remember when was it that i stopped walking beside her, holding her arm while talking about anything from tv drama to something in the newspaper while roaming around Orchard. These days, I walk behind her so that I don't get irritated whenever she cuts my path or when she walks too slowly for my own pace. Rarely do I give her a hug, or even say a heartfelt thank-you for the things that she's been silently doing all these years, without a single complain, without a single compliment, without a simple word of appreciation from me. I am ashamed of myself that I have grown so cold, so unaffectionate, and slow to display my true emotions to the people that matter most to me such that I appear to be unfriendly, bordering on arrogant and even aloof at times. I am ashamed that I can get angry at my mum over a trivial matter from time to time, and wilfully starve myself, while she has graciously forgiven me countless times over even though I never said 'Sorry'. I regret the times when I could have showered her with more love, care and concern during her troubled times, but instead, I was too self-absorbed in my own silly issues and exams to notice that she wasn't feeling too well herself.
It is difficult to change overnight into someone who loves openly, speaks her mind and her feelings without hesitation for fear of embarrassment, and shows her love and concern not only through mere written words alone, but through actions that speak far louder than anything. I am not putting all the blame on my culture and my upbringing. I guess I belong to an ordinary Singapore-chinese family, where speech and words do not matter as much, but it is the thought and the sincerity behind the actions, although mostly left unspoken and unknown to me, that matters the most, and ultimately, everything that my parents do is entirely in my best interest. It had taken me decades of arguing, getting angry at, and ignoring my mum and dad to realise this simple fact, and I wished that I had realised and cherished this fact earlier.
This is my tribute to my mother, the superwoman in my life. Thank you for being my teacher, my companion, my listener and advisor, my doctor, my nurse, my chef, my driver, and my caretaker for the past 21 years of my life.
I love you, mummy, very very much, and as always, my prayer for you is God will continue to watch over you, and bless you with good health, even as you age gracefully, doing the things that you enjoy most.
sarah at 1:06 am
Saturday, March 17, 2007
hiatus and a clean slate.
I don't really have to account for my absence or the lack of posts since this page is entirely for my personal reading pleasure. nonetheless, i've decided to mark today as the begining of a brand new start.. in some way.well, my hard disk crashed a week ago, and along with it, 2 and a half-years' worth of songs (ha!), videos, my entire seasons 5 and 6, and some epis of S7 of Gilmore Girls, PLUS, my HD-TV episodes of prison break(AHhhhh!!), my essays (which are kept in softcopy purely for keepsake..) oh, and not to mention, my painstaking collection of photos and pictures. the photos and pictures really hit me the most..
I guess I've really learnt my lesson to always have a back-up of everything dear to me
on a different note, looking back on this episode, i think i've learnt to let go of things more easily and to move on. I'm kind of seeing my new hard-disk as symbolic of a brand-new start somehow, to forget about painful past memories, maybe even those that aren't painful but are holding me back, preventing me from growing up and becoming the person that God wants me to be. And just as the hard-disk is capable of storing tonnes of new information that i'm about to load it with, I should start to dare to try new things, be courageous, and accumulate new experiences into my life, so that I can safely say that i have 'no regrets' when I'm bedridden, old, and suffering from dementia.
can't wait for Korea this July, and i think I've gotten addicted to travelling, amazing since I happen to suffer from motion-sickness. haha. murphy's law. bleah. and watching E! news' feature on frank miller's 300 reminded me of 'no pain, no gain'. to get washboard abs and toned toned physiques, the cast had to go through a gruelling regiment of 300 pushups a day, not to mention other biceps-toning exercises. poof! and i thought having to undergo fluctuating weight gains and loss were bad enough. imagine the mental and physical strain just to appear good in front of the cameras. ah wells. the kohl-overdose, superb CG-effects plus the grainy texture of the scenes still make 300 a movie not to be missed. still unconvinced? there's still rodrigo santoro and gerald butler and their toned bods running and fighting, killing each others' armies to make up for the predictable story-line anyway. ^_^
sarah at 12:04 am