over again

Dec 31st, 2009. The final day of the first decade of the third millennium. All these numbers and time might mean nothing or they can mean something.

1 year, 365 days. Some days creep by and yet, most days are gone even before you can fully grasp hold onto them. Days pass by dreadfully and torturing-ly slow when you have nothing to do. I'm lucky to have limited experiences of such days over the pass year. One year doesn't seem so long ago but things that happened last year feels as if it all happened long long ago. Last year this time, i was waiting anxiously for my o level results (somehow my brother doesn't seem to be anxious though), i wasn't sure what junior college i would go to. One year down the road, i have different things in my mind now but if you ask me whether i think i have grown as a person, i might not be able to give you a direct answer. In truth, i achieved some things that i wanted to achieve but i feel as if i have not stepped out of my comfort zone for some time now.

This last month back home has been good for me, i dare say. But, soon, it'll be time to go back to Singapore. This time, i'll try to make it different. No doubt, i'll be reluctant to leave home, and i'll also miss home like mad when i get there. But this time, i'll go there with zest! One year. It's all that's left. Make the most of it.

Goodbye 2009! With you behind me, so will all my bad memories and hardships of 2009 be gone as well.

Hello 2010! With you i hope to create greater achievements, joy and laughter.

Happy New Year!

best of both worlds

Read this from Adelyn's blog.

"penang is not quite the same. many people have left and some bridges have been burnt because i’ve spent so much time being busy in singapore that maintaining certain friendships were hard. i’m not sure whether this is what i really wanted. sure, i wanted to go away from home to experience something different but it didn’t mean that i wanted to be thrown to a prison-like life in singapore.

sometimes i look at my other friends, peering at what they’ve been up to lately and often i feel a tang of jealousy. they’re doing things that i would have loved to do: partying hard while studying smart. i won’t deny that i don’t enjoy partying, i do. i’m not really a party girl but i really like having fun. i mean, i’m eighteen and young."

Why does it sound so familiar?

Oh wait. Because all i need to do is change the word Penang and make a few other minor adjustments and the same passage will fit in perfectly. I'm sure i can find many people who would disagree with me on the description of Singapore being "prison-like", especially since i occupy myself with so many activities. At least so far i know 2 other malaysians studying there who feel the same way as i do, lyn and ck. Trust me, you need to experience it before you can understand what feeling it is that i am trying to say. How to put this? I feel.... suffocated. I feel.... restrained. I feel.... as if the real me is being buried alive. I feel.... as if i have to hide behind a mask.

Friends back in Malaysia. Everytime i look at them, without fail i would see what i have missed out on. I try hard to block it out but even after so long, the thought of "If i didn't have to leave then, what would be different now?" still creeps into my mind when i let my guard down. I thought i would be numb to the feelings one go through when leaving home since i've done it for god knows how many times, but no, it is a feeling that no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself for, you still wouldn't get used to.

That said, it doesn't mean i dislike my life in Singapore. I do know for sure that i love my friends for it is them who made it all bearable. Being back in Malaysia, i'm missing out on events and activities there too.

I guess the best of both worlds is something you see only on the big screens.

Or then again, maybe, i am just being a silly sentimental girl with unstable hormones.

(without) help.

I guess i shall just write into my diary for now.

I realise how dark i've became when i compare myself to my fair-skinned cousins.

hairline crack

A water bearer in India had two large pots, one hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house. The cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream:"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.

I find this story meaningful thus the reason it is here. Sometimes, we are too caught up in making sure that we are perfect and we forget that flaws are what make each individual human. It is what makes us unique. As the saying goes, 天下没有十全十美的人,we are who we are and if flaws are what we have, we shouldn't complain but do our very best despite of them. Of course, i'm not saying that we should just accept them, but instead, we should try to improve and and change the flaw to something useful. Believe in the best in everyone, despite of their flaws.