ACK!!!!!

Ever have one of those moments in time where you KNOW you're whining and you just won't shut UP already? LOL

I've spent my three turns, methinks.
Time to pull myself up by the boot straps and get about the business of remembering how graced I truly AM today.

Okay, so I had the 'do this or you'll end up with a boss you won't respect' whittled down for me when the boss met with the whole leadership team on Tuesday. I now get a clear picture of who that lucky supervisor might end up to be--*sigh* Good people--just not quite 'with it' when it comes to this program and the work folks do. Fine........

I gotta be done whining about all this 'stuff'!
Good grief.........I GET to do what I do. By all rights I shouldn't even BE on the planet, let alone be getting to do some of this stuff that I'm getting to do.
I can KNOW I'm graced and still be an ungrateful snot.

*shaking head*
Somebody get out the big stick....I need whapped.......

I'm probably being hyper-sensitive BUT---

Please don't assume that my motives are impure.
Please don't dismiss my heart simply because you don't understand it or see the value in actions driven by it.
Please don't suggest my actions might have been bred out of anything else than what I've told you they were.
Please don't decide for me what I feel and think, what I 'buy' and what I 'don't buy'.
Please don't draw conclusions simply because you believe yourself 'right'.
Please don't discount what's been said as dishonest.
Please don't tell me what drives me.

I can't 'make you' believe me.
I can't 'make you' see anything differently.
I can't 'make you' not dismiss what's true.
I can't 'make you' trust the source.
I can't 'make you' find me credible.
I can't 'make you' come to ask.
I can't 'make you' anything.

I can only endeavour to do right things for right motives and live with the end results.
So I live with the end results.

Sometimes I don't like how the end results 'feel'.........doesn't make the decision any less of the 'right thing'.
*sigh*

Yes, thank you, I think I'd like some cheese with that whine......

It might not look like much...........

The 'yard' part of the layout. Messy, messy, messy!
Our 'adventures'. Okay--it's stolen railroad property. Have I not owned that I'm a theif?
No doubt there'll be more thievery. LOL At least until the walls are filled up.
There are framed black and whites to go on this wall--that oughta be FUN! ;-)

Now, I need to remind myself that when we started this a winter ago, we had a hellaciously orange/brown/gold striped carpet that ran the lenght of the room, holes in the wall and an embarassing MESS.....orange and tan on the walls, 20 year old ceiling tiles and horrid flourescent lights. *shudder* I'm GONNA find a 'before' photo just as a reminder of how much we've altered and how LESS embarassed I am of the mess that's going on down in that basement. LOL And I'm reminding myself that we're doing this all on our lonesome so far. I'm so hellbent on that for some reason--when it comes to doing the floor....this could be an adventure and a half.

Spring is here and I've got mountains of stuff to do outside.
I'm also on a mission to decide on flooring.
He's on a mission to get the backdrops done and scenery put in on the back part of the layout. Apparently having a new ceiling and lights will motivate work on a train layout! LOL

At least we won't be bored? LOL

....ouchie.........

Okay--so the intent was to take some photos of the basement (mess that it is) and post them here........plus send some on to my sister. I just hadn't gotten around to it.

I opted to do that after I got home from work just a bit ago.
Yeah, well, no one said I was a genius.
I managed to miss that last step or two.
Crashed to the floor on my knee.....

Yes, folks--I swore profusely. LOL
I think it must have been a minute that I laid there. I'm not one for pain shooting through a leg that's malfunctioning because of a car accident years ago. I'm not one for pain shooting through the leg on a DECENT knee.
Oy brother...

And did I snap some photos--yep, I did. LOL
And soaked in a bath cuz ice made me wince too much.
And now can I upload the photos here?
ROFL
Nope. It won't let me at this moment in time.

My sister will be pleased, however. I did the emailed to her.
Not that they're much to look at. Walls and a ceiling and an unfinished train layout.

Maybe I'll take a few more photos.
One of the knee, I'm thinkin'.....it's a pretty colour already!

Nah.
Wouldn't be able to post THAT one either! LOL

QOTW 3/27

What's the last thing you 'lost'?
How crazy did you go looking for it?


FOUL!! Unfair and embarassing question!! LOL

Okay, so it was last Monday and I couldn't find my housekeys.
I have this habit of finding them on my person at the work site and instead of walking them into the locked room where 'stuff' is kept, I toss them in the general direction of the room and go about my business.
When I couldn't 'find' them Monday, I decided I must have tossed them and a helpful staff member must have put them in the locked room.........this after repeatedly going through the house, through coat pockets, emptying out my purse TWICE and generally going room to room hoping some dead brain cell would awaken and I'd have that "ah HA" moment when I'd actually remember where I'd put them.
No such luck.
Instead, cuz I was offically late to work, I buzzed from the house. Of course, half way there I realized that I locked the door and had no way to enter the house unless the keys were found.....or wait for himself to get home with his set of keys.... Oy.

I humbly apologize for being late to the worksite and have to share WHY, of course--only to have my helpful staff start looking in all the desk drawers in hopes of getting me back into the house IF I ever get the chance to leave the office......LOL
Inside coat breast pocket.
Yep, that's where they were the whole freaking time.
Did I WANT to tell folks where they were located? NO!
*sigh*
Humility is good.
Humility is good.
Humility is GOOD.
YES, I told them. LOL
And no, they won't let me live that one down for a while. LOL

Confused?

I'm feeling a bit like this confused mess.

It's been a whirlwind the past few days. Some of it good, some of it just plain confusing as all get out.

We had a lovely evening out with the girl and Las--good times, good company. Take an Irish lass to a 'yeehaawww' kinda dinner joint and you get a whole lot of laughter. Two hours later, when they're wrapping her left overs you'd have thought we were laughed out. Sorry--lost it again when they opted to come to the table and twist tinfoil around her uneaten food in the shape of a longhorn's head. OMG.....Talk about leaving with a tummy ache! Rest assured the food wasn't the cause.

The rest of the week--warp speed with my hair on fire. There's just too much to do and not enough time to get it done in. Why I insist on attempting to do what I've already discovered can't BE done in a normal work day--I haven't a clue. It must be that stubbornness and unwillingness to surrender? *shrug* I WILL figure it out!!

And my boss has a new method of operation.
I've dubbed it 'dump and run'.
Take care of business, add to the pile of 'stuff' that needs sorted through--check your watch and announce the need to exit because you've got another meeting, dump something that you know I'd want to discuss and/or argue........and run like hell.
OY!!

Only this time he dumped two things. He wants me to work on giving him an answer about the position he's been trying to get me to take......or wrap my head around someone who'll take the position becoming MY boss.
Potentially someone who'll know less about the position's responsibilities than I do. Someone that I may have difficulty respecting.
Gee........thanks..........
OH......And while I'm wrapping my head around that/deciding to do what I'm capable of doing.....there's a three day/four night conference that would be benificial for me to show up for....outta state of course.........
Thanks.

Alot.

*sigh*
Take a position that I can do -- but I'm not certain I want to do.
Or--stay doing exactly what I AM doing and lose my 'dump and run' boss for someone I might not wanna be having for my boss. Trust me--he might be a dump and run kinda guy, but I do respect him and believe his heart is good.
Oy........
Eenie meanie miney mo.......

*sigh*
AND a four night out of state conference?
Suddenly the idea of flipping burgers at Burger King sounds really, really inviting.

*sigh*

*whew* It's done!

We oughta be disallowed from doing 'projects' together.
Seriously!

I have one way of doing things--and get outta my way while I do it.
He's got a whole 'nother way of doing things......and his way is much more logical and will get the job done.
Yeah, yeah.....MY way gets the job done, too, dangit........ A STEAK KNIFE WILL CUT SOD!!!!!!!

THAT would be my gentle reminder of the last time I was set on 'proving' I could and would get the job done......MY way.
Silly thing to argue.....even sillier that I was hellbent on proving I was RIGHT!

We had five lights in the basement ceiling cuz I put them up whilest he was away in England. I didn't finish the job because of the position of one of the flourescent fixtures--I was pretty sure he didn't want it crashing into his train layout. LOL So, silly me--waited.

Silly him didn't wanna wait for me to help him remove that last fixture. And he did remove it--without damage to the layout I might add.
And then he decided we'd finish that area with more recessed lighting.
Okey dokey--sounds like a plan.

He felt bad because I'd done the whole project without any of his help.
I started thinking I'd not done a good enough job, for some reason. LOL I have messed up thinking and can make things all about MEMEME!

I decided the best recourse was to exit the area and let him do his thing. Heck, I work best that way.
He summized that I was upset/mad.
I summized he didn't need another hand or someone (like me!) critiquing or giving him 'helpful hints' since I'd done 5 of the lights already....and I know me and my propensity to pop off with my not so humble opinion.

We now have the entire ceiling finished in the trainroom. And it looks darn good.
No one was killed during the installation of the ceiling.
No animals were harmed.
LOL

It's all good.
Unless the house burns down cuz we wired something funky.
The good news is now he won't be able to blame me and me alone! *snicker* I'll slip the firemarshall fifty bucks to say he couldn't determine WHERE in the ceiling the fire started if need be.... :-)

Smile and Nod

Gotta love the greens of Ireland.

And we had a lovely visit with Las--she's just a hoot. You get her and the Brit going and everything's up for grabs. It was definitely a very nice time.

We met Las through strange circumstances with the girl. The girl tends to pick up stray animals and strange friends. LOL Las is just plain whacky--she's got the good makings for a lovely relationship filled with good moments. All that's true and you just can't help but wanna adopt the gal.

But it was the blind leading the blind around this joint. The Brit was trying to interpret Las' remarks for the girl and I--and I gotta say, some moments he was equally hard to understand. (especially since he's just returned from England where he was overcompensating because he was told he sounded horribly 'Americanized'. LOL)
I did the smile and nod routine a whole lot.

I did end up laughing myself to tears, though....it would seem that on St. Patrick's day when Las, in all of her Irish wonder, tried to order at the bar the bartendered decided it would be easier if he just had her write it down. Apparently he looked at the paper, handed her a Guiness and simply told her "I can't make heads nor tails from the handwriting any better than I can your accent--have a beer and be happy." She drank free beer all night and boy, does she think America rocks! LOL

QOTW 3/20

"Do you travel for work or for pleasure (or in some lucky cases, for both at the same time)? Do you enjoy it, or does it depend on the reason?"



I don't know if you can count a 45 minute drive twice a week 'travel'. Ugh....some days I count it. LOL
I'm just not 'in' to the reason for the travel.
I'm not a very politically minded gal, I don't 'do' office politics worth a darn--nor do I want to necessarily 'improve' my abilities to DO office politics. I tend to simply say what I'm thinkin'--I don't particularly mind the audience I'm saying it to. Go figure.........

I enjoy the drive most days. But that's because the eagles are out and the birds are whizzing around.
Driving is a calming experience for me.

Conferences that require me to be gone for a night or two--I pass on cuz I've 'done my time' going to conferences and I have the luxury of staying home today. Gimme the all day conference that'll hand me the CEU's required so I can go BACK to the worksite and play with the kiddos!

Wearing Green?

I conceeded--I wore green.....

Yeah, yeah.......I work with 24 adolescents who'd love nothing more than to pinch me. I'm not convinced a single ONE of them is Irish. I don't think they care, today.

Las might care.
I was rushing around this morning, picking up, trying to give thought to what to feed an Irish gal on THE holiday for her. Broiled salmon. LOL Yeah, yeah. I know, not real Irish. I was thinkin' of dying it green. St. Patricks Day on a Lenten Friday.......doesn't leave ya a whole lotta squiggle room, huh?

A little butter, a bit of dill weed......
Oh now, you didn't really think *I* was gonna cook it, did ya? LOL

I'm suppose to be making an impression. HE'S cooking! :-)

More sighing material--

Charlestown Harbour

Charlestown Harbour

Frinton Beach

Low Tide

Blue Skies---

--Nothing but Blue Skies from now on.






Yeah, okay--so I'm singing. LOL
Picture it loud and offkey, cuz that's how I'm proned to doing it.

Have I mentioned that I genuinely LIKE some of the folks that I work with? In spite of them setting me up for humility (yeah, I'm still squirmy about that piece of artwork...LOL) on a regular basis--they're just fun people.
In the line of work that we do, you either find a sense of humour real fast, or you're not going to last in the field. We work with some huge traumas, learn to laugh/hang on to the good--or burn out is about what it boils down to.

Only, the world, as a whole, doesn't operate that way. Heck, it varies from worksite to worksite in our agency alone.
We're kinda a 'wild and crazy' group.
Plunk 12 of us in a room for CPR trainings with "we're the professionals" and we're apt to look a tad......ummmm...insane?
Well, *I* am anyway!

And apparently I'm fun to 'pick on' cuz I'll dish it 'back attcha'. And I'm a fun one to 'get'. Trust me when I say I don't 'allow' that very often. LOL

When you hear a vetran staff member telling a 'newbie' on the worksite "Hey..that means she LIKES you. She wouldn't give you a hard time if she didn't." you have to smile. Leastwise *I* do.
My favorite is when I then sneak up to the newbie and whisper "She lies. I just told her that cuz I knew she'd believe it.", pat 'em on the back and walk away....
It's GREAT fun.

I did get certified for CPR......again........
I'm not sure if it was my actually utilization of the techniques, though.
It might have been a desire to get me the heck out of the room.
I think it was my enthusiasm.

When someone's collapsed ON the fllor in front of me and it's CPR or nuffin'.... a gentle nudging and a 'can you hear me' is NOT my solution. I don't know about you--but I'm going to be beyond certain that CPR is being required before I plant my mouth on someone.

'Can you hear me?'

No, no , NO!

"HEY!!!!! HEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! You do NOT want this mouth on yours---RESPOND DAMMIT!!" FEELS like a better technique.

That and "GET UP AND GET YOUR CLOTHES ON!! YOUR WIFE IS HOME!!"
I LIKE that the newest hire in our shop lifted the dummie and said "Oh Gawdddddd.....Where's my pants?!".
I think I'm gonna like that gal......lots.........
:-D

Waaaahhhrrrr......

Attack of the killer squirrel!!
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!

*snickering*
Okay---now THIS kinda stuff I don't mind sharing! LOLOL

WAAAHHHHHRRRRRR!!!!!

(I'm almost sure that's the noise giant evil squirrels make!)

Fear of the Artsy-Fartsy.....LOL

I'm not exactly known as some 'artsy-fartsy' kinda person(stolen term from himself, of course!). People are utterly blown away when they step into the house and see quilting and cross stitch and handmade 'stuff' by yours truly. WHY, I do not know.....I guess it's just not something I broadcast to the world. I figure it's kinda--dunno.....private, maybe?

Oy geeze, I can see THIS getting made about 'fear' already!
*rolling eyes*

Yeah, well, on a 'hard shove' I got involved in some artsy-fartsy kinda deal in the work place. So it came out in the agency newletter and I got chided into it. Someone had to represent the offsite program I manage--and guess who got picked. Can I mention I had a whole three days notice of being 'chosen' before the 'project' was due. Yeah, yeah......well, I turned in an entry.....*sigh* Gotta lead by example, right? *rolling eyes*

Are you GETTING the sense I wasn't liking it in the first place.

Picture my---overwhelming sense of pleasure (NOT) when I walked into the training this morning only to discover the entries hanging in the room. HANGING IN THE ROOM.

No--get the gravity of that, will ya?

I mean H A N G I N G I N T H E R O O M .
For the world to see.
Gratefully, only with program names on them.
Only.........I had 12 staff present for trainings today.

*sigh*
Oy brother.

No, WE didn't win.
WE took second place.
Ya know......that means one thing.
Well, TWO actually.

1. WE will get to do more 'artsy-fartsy' projects as they appear--probably with three days notice. Oh joy!
2. I'm gonna haffta find a whole lotta 'hush money' to buy the silence of the staff who actually witnessed OUR entry.

G'head.........guess which was ours.
The whole freaking agency has seen it, why not the rest of the world.
*sigh*
And I don't wanna HEAR a word about 'fear'.
*grumbling*





Kalidescope

The Web

The Mask

Names Mean Nothing

Show me a sign.....

The Brit's First Robin





How unfair that he got to see a robin before I did.....AND his mother's garden was in bloom...

I'm thinkin' about now those little green things that dared peek their head out on Saturday are freezing their little roots off. Stupid Iowa weather......

*sigh*

I can talk 'unfair' all morning. It's not Wednesday Whinings if it ain't Wednesday? LOL

I canNOT catch up. It just ain't gonna happen. (okay...I'm whining and I don't care!)
I literally locked myself in a therapy room yesterday at the worksite--HOPING to get some of that 'stuff' managed. I even told my secretary (G-d bless her, she oughta be cloned!) to hold the calls and take messages. She did. And then presented me with the pile of stickey notes AND a stack of paperwork she'd completed that needed read and signed.

Okay......that concept of locking myself IN the therapy room didn't work...........NEXT?
*sigh*

Wednesday I have CPR training--I get to slap the dummy around and yell at it. WHY I feel compelled to continue to recertify myself, I don't know....probably cuz it's just a good plan and a smart thing to do. I don't like CPR trainings--I relive an 'uck' moment in the middle of the shopping mall, once upon a time the day after Thanksgiving......it happens every freaking time.... Just the thought of getting to do CPR does it. I'm supposing the sentiments would be different had the woman I did CPR on lived. She didn't. Funny what memories we hang on to even when we're clear we'd just as soon not. Pushing air out of a dummy isn't the same as pushing air out of a human being.
Oh yay.......CPR training...... *sigh*

Maybe I oughta just pull over on the side of the road today on that 45 minute drive and remain there until *I* get to see a robin.
"Hell no, I won't go" until I get to see SOME sign of spring.
I'm sure that'll fly with the boss.

*rolling eyes* NOT!

Oh, for the sea---

Pakefield beach

*dreamy sigh*
He got the sea and the beaches.

I have rocks.
What're the odds I can live vicarously through rocks?
*sigh*

QOTW 3/13

Do you prefer your work environment to be fast paced and stimulating or comfortably routine?

Can I simply answer that 'yes'?

I'd like a blend of both. There are days when I'd LOVE for a comfortable routine to happen. I have routine responsibilities that don't wait for a nice 'routine' day to happen. *sigh* (That probably gives you a clue about how far behind I am on 'stuff' for the office.) There are other days that I'm sincerely glad that I don't have that 'run of the mill, put widgets together' sort of job. I'd get bored fast and then I'd REALLY be in trouble! LOL

Choosing between the two--I'm going to have to keep 'fast paced and stimulating'. I like that I'm ever growing and 'pushing my own envelope' by doing what I do.
But boy....what I wouldn't do to be caught up..LOL

Sunny England

Shingle Street

Shingle Street Seagull

Mevagissey Seagull

Mevagissey Rocks (he suffers from the same photo taking obsession)
*snickering*

Storms, batteries and the paperboy.....

*shaking head*
Monday we had three inches of snow.
Today--thunderstorm warnings....tornado warnings one county south of us.

Ya know--my father always told folks that if they didn't like the Iowa weather, wait around a few hours cuz it was bound to change.

*shaking head* Crazy stuff.

He's sleeping through it...which makes no sense cuz he wakes up when the paperboy's deliving papers to the neighbours at three in the morning.

MORE head shaking material. LOL

Personally, I'd rather he sleep through the paperboy--you put a tornado that close to me and I'm up for company!

Guess I best make certain the batteries in the flashlight and radio are 'alive'......which they are not.
Makes me wonder if the paperboy has batteries........

At this rate, I could ask him myself. LOL

Yikes--what a racket!!

Pressie!

What can I say. I'm a cheap date.
Aside from the shells and rocks and seaglass--I got a little beach house! It's a cute little thing. It even came with monies in it! :-)

Yep, it's blue and it's mine and I love it.
Larry the Lobster loves it, too! LOL
And the crabby dude that holds the 'Welcome to the Beach' sign.
It IS the simple things.

Rocks and shell pictures, undoubtedly, will follow at some point.
Now, if I can just get a photo or two from himself's camera......

*sneaking off to find the camera*

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times--

Okay, that's probably a bit melodramatic, huh? *chuckling* MORE than a bit!

The Brit and I spent five years doing a long distance relationship. We met online at a time when I was confined to the house because of my health. Stumbling into a wrong chatroom--I felt pretty sorry for him, bad typist that he was---errrrrrr.....is.

His three children remain in England today...along with his 80some year old mother. (She's amazing, she really is. She made the journey here two years ago--her first international flight ever.) The two children who, on occasion claim me as 'the mom' LOL, are moved from the home here--we love our little yellow house on the corner.
Awesome things happen here.

Three years ago we ended the distance by following the 'rules' and applying for a K-1 Visa. He came with no reservations.
I faultered in the relationship. Or perhaps I faultered in trusting what was 'suppose to be'. Believing the move for him to be a 'rip off' because I couldn't guarantee him any tomorrows, I convinced me that the most loving thing TO do was to cut bait and run, that he must be insane to trade his lifetime of EVERYthing for the uncertainty of maybe having a day with Mel with no guarantees.... I let the fear do strange things to me. I forgot he was a 'capable', that he really could make his own decisions....I reacted in the fear and started to try to 'save' him from me. He wouldn't be 'moved', he knew he was 'suppose to' be here, doing this, loving as he'd always wanted TO love. He walked through that alone, frightened to share where the struggle was because doing that would make it some real possibility that I would get in the way of what he KNEW he was 'suppose to be doing'. Still, today, he tells me THIS is THE one thing in his life he's ever been certain of.....and he marvels at how he could have known and how we ever got here.

We'd gone through a painstaking process to bring ourselves to this point. We worked hard at doing 'right things' for the people involved in our lives. We waded through career changes for him, my oppositional nature, career changes for me, his children leaving for university, the children here experiencing their own growing pains and finding their own lives, my oppositional nature, his daughters acting out with her mother, his move from his home to a flat, my oppositional nature, the boy's drug additcion and the chaos attached to that mess that tried to become my life, my move and purchase of this home--a whole host of life events......
One decision after another, one barrier after another, we purposed to do right things by the people being affected by the relationship, alwaysALWAY being mindful of what pursuing that relationship would mean in their lives. We delayed visits, delayed taking action, dealt with more of my oppositional nature, delayed making decisions around the inevitable move from one's homeland--in order to do right by the people we care so deeply for.

We ended up here...with children and a mum there....with a dad who's not there to put storm windows on his aging mother's home, who's not present for bad hairdays and broken hearts, who's some 4321 miles from being able to 'be' that dad, who's some 4321 miles from being that son that he'd always shown up to be.
We waded through the muck and the mire of fears not our own, of silent resentment and angers bourne from the decision. We've worked hard to remain inclusive, to be as active as one can be from 4321 miles...as consistent, as persevering, as loving, as open and willing--

No, we've not done it perfectly.

But we've done it.
No doubt, as layers of the hurt and fear and resentment become peeled back, we'll keep doing it.
It matters to us how people are affected by our choices.

Some people might say 'too much so, Mel'.
They could be right.
I just don't think they are. LOL

He won't return to England permanently. I'll hope that time works its magic and the sting he feels today becomes a small, manageable 'ouchie' that an emotional bandaid will cover sufficiently.
His feeling compelled to defend the country he resides in today--I can't fix for him...nor do I know that I want to.
His feelings being hurt by mean things said to him by strangers--I didn't see coming, nor did I believe it would, simply based on my own experiences. I was warmly received, even embraced by the English. Never once was an unkind remark made to me or towards the country I hail from. I was warned the sentiments existed. I never experienced them. I don't like that they exist, I have a better understanding of WHY they exist--but I don't get to change that, today.

It was the circumstances at the worksite that drove my decision to remain for this journey, coupled with my desire to make the journey (the first he'd made back since the marriage) 'easier' for the kiddos and the mom he'd left behind. I'd spoken with my employer who assured me there no 'good' time to take a two week vacation. That's simply true for the environment that I work in. There's always a crisis somewhere--half the time we create them..LOL I didn't place my employer in a position of saying 'no' to me because I checked out my perception which told me 'Mel....there's bad times and there's WORSER times to not be present!'. I'm 'in charge' of the whole works where I'm employed--it's not simply about MEMEME, what Mel wants, what Mel thinks she oughta be allowed to have. During the time the Brit was away I got validated over and over again--SMART move, Mel....you needed to be present. My employer told me 'as much as I wanted to argue your decision to stay--I needed you here'...the decision was 'right' for the circumstances at work.
And what's 'right' in one area can contain pieces that are 'wrong' in others.

Perceptions get formed.
Conclusions get made.
Intentions get challenged--or worse, silently assumed.
Feeling get hurt.
And when one is hurt--'backlash' will happen.

So I went looking for the cause of those mean things said to him (which he won't reveal to me specifically -- he's just not willing to hurt me). And I found some of it--from a misperception that the job was 'more important', that I'd 'won' and didn't 'feel a need to show up', that I 'couldn't be bothered'....things got said to him, because you can say those things to 'one of your own'.

I missed it.
I didn't see it coming.
I made what I believed to be adequate efforts, to make clear to people we care about what the decision was bourne from.
Couple the perception with the resentments of 'a son and a dad a nephew a cousin' not getting to 'be there for us' and there's a mess which got added to. As far as someone simply saying it clearly and loudly--it's jut not 'proper'. Leastwise it's not 'proper' to say it to me.
Apparently, however, there's that poetic license to say it to 'he who hails from your world/your family'.

It sucks he was the recipient of not only a culture who has a perception and opinion of his choice and chastises him for it.....but loved ones who will do that as well.......
It sucks that I did such inadquate work that people I care about were left with a perception I didn't want to leave them with.
*sigh*
It just plain sucks.
And I'm endeavouring to change the things I can, today.

Damage control isn't a whole lotta fun.
*sigh*

They're BACK!! They're BACK!!!

LOOK!! LOOK!!!
Okay, I'm way excited.
I pulled back some leaves and voile'!!
GREEN STUFF!!!

:-)

And I saw lotsa robins out there today. Desperately looking for worms, but still....


64 degrees and sunshine this morning.Geeze, I really need to clean my camera lens.....

When you point your finger at someone, be sure to check out the ones pointing back at you!

Yeah, well--I didn't.

But I have.

Someone managed to point out something utterly obvious to the outside world and entirely oblivious to me. (thank you.....truly)
This is why I surround myself with people who'll simply 'get to the truth'. I can get stuck in my own thinking and miss the obvious.

For all the validation that I got at the worksite that joining the Brit on the journey at this moment in time was a bad plan--I got a sense of 'rightness' about the decision. Circumstances at the workplace while he was abroad validated how 'right' it was to have remained.
What I missed was the 'wrongness' based on the circumstances in the relationships/people involved abroad.
Work wasn't 'more important'.....except I missed how it would be perceived by those who'd already 'lost' him to me. I focused on what good could come from me not being present. Perhaps to buy my own peace in the decision made..... Now, how self absorbed is that...

I'm done being angry with the world.
They'll have their sentiments, their own thoughts and their way of expressing them. I don't have to like it. I certainly won't get to change it all by my little lonesome. I don't get to change the world.

My actions spoke for me--a message that I regret sending, one I had no intention of sending.

Regardless of my intentions, I'm still responsible for how it's affected others.
He got to bear the brunt of it.

I'm not pleased with me.

I'm thinking that's a much more 'okay' place to be.
I can do something with that.

The world......I don't get to change.

I have a mess to clean up.
I've owned it to him....so I've made a start.

Yep--mad..........

Okay. I'm angry.
I thought I'd feel better putting it into words elsewhere--I'm not sure that worked like I wanted it to. I think I'm angrier.

I have an English husband. Three years ago he left his country to make his home in Iowa. Call it love....and we are soooo in love.
He just returned from his visit to England and was so relieved to come home. In part because the separation was horrible for both of us. We'd vowed to never do that--given we'd spent five years doing a long distance relationship and went through the whole immigration process.

He missed me. And I missed him.
And he was treated meanly. And I do mean 'meanly'.
Crass remarks about America/Iowa/marrying an American seemed to flow in his direction. I wanted to argue it's, in part, unresolved resentments for a dad/son/friend who's no longer accessible now that he lives 4321 miles away.
He's pretty convinced it's little to do with that and it's the distain for America and his 'becoming a traitor' to his country.
I'm angry.
His choice wasn't about the country.
It was about me and wanting to share our lives.
Undoubtedly I'm feeling some responsibility for being the source of the decision getting made in the first place.

I'm now convinced it wasn't about him being neurotic/sensitive (sometimes overly). I know I'll buy time before doing something with it---only because I'm angry he was treated as he was.
I'm not sure what I'll do with it all.
I do know that some I'll chalk up to missing dad/son/friend. Some I'll get to let go of.
I do know that he's adamate--he won't return to England without me. Some because it's just too damn hard for him.
Some because he's convinced the reception he got would have been kinder had I been present.

What's right about all this?!
Not a damn thing.

He's HOME! He's HOME!!

Oh how happy I am to be able to say that.

Geeze, I missed that fella.
And BOY does he talk funny. LOL

He's home!
He's HOME!!

I got rocks and shells and seaglass and driftwood!
And I got plasticine and I made a wererabbit!
:-)

He's HOME!!
*contented smile*

Doing 'right things' even when we don't want to......

I'm reminded over and over again that it's not required that I WANT to do right things to do right things.
It's not required that it be comfortable, it's not required that I like how it feels, it's not required that people around me see it as 'right' or 'approve', it's not required that other folks agree or like it either.

You pray about it, you meditate about it, you get clarity and you forge on to do the right thing.

Failure to do 'the right thing' leaves us getting to do 'the next right thing'.
I don't wanna live my life that way, picking up pieces cuz I knew what was right and failed to do it.
Been there, done that.


I'm reminded of that damn note that I still carry around with me after 17 years:

"You've been quiet for 24 hours, which leads me to believe you have forgotten the rules. Let me tell them to you again.

1) We love you. All of us, all the time, no matter what you say, no matter what you do.
2) Sometimes we will love you so much we will be foreced to tell you the truth about you. That truth will not feel very good to you. It will still be the truth.
3) We will always love you so much that we will never let you do or say things that are harmful to your sobriety/your wellbeing without calling you on them. I would rather have you hate me but stay sober /stay well than love me and get drunk /harmed.
4) Sometimes it will appear to you that we no longer love you. We will write/say things that hurt your feelings or piss you off. In that case, immediately re-read rule (1) above. That rule will never change.
5) We love you.

QOTW 3/6

Do you feel guilty 'receiving' something from someone?


I am not a very comfortable receiver.
I try really hard to be gracious.
But--I always end up feeling a bit 'off'--wishing I would have been thoughtful enough to be the 'giver'.

Don't get me wrong. I really am touched whenever someone has me in mind--that they're wanting to 'give' something simply for the joy of giving.

I do tend to have that tug inside and I'm never quite feeling like the 'worthy' recipient.
And I'm generally plotting how I can make sure to 'give back' at least twofold.

Snowstorm Joys

It had to be near three in the morning when I awakened to the 'plink ... plink, plink, plink' noise.

Okay, so it's dark and I'm alone and I've taken pain medications-- Not withstanding that I have an active imagination. I sat up to peek out the window and discovered it was snowing. Or sleeting. At three in the morning, I wasn't really sure, nor was I really caring. I think I was grateful it was snow and not some alien trying to laser it's way into my bedroom. Yeah, yeah--pain medications and I get along rather strangely.

It took me until seven this morning to feel brave enough to open the curtains. (I'd closed them courtesy of a headache.)

Snow. Dreaded snow.
Now, I remember (vaguely) being excited to see the white stuff at the start of the winter season. I even remember excitedly pulling out the snowman kit that was unused from last winter.

I was not excited to see snow this morning.
Darn white stuff needs to QUIT finding it's way to this corner of the world, already!
Enough!
I'm awaiting spring. This isn't helpful!

We now have a good three inches of the white stuff.
And it's not done.

*sigh*

Fine.

I'm thinkin' I'll haffta get over it and go make snow angels.

Oh dear--I'll get wet and messy and all snowy!

Last time I did that the neighbor came running out of his house afraid I'd had some sort of seizure......LOL

:-D

I'm waiting til daylight AND I'm making sure his truck's in the driveway.......

...uck.........

I just spent 24 hours in bed with a crappy headache...puking included.
This was NOT how I wanted to spend the weekend.
And now I'm getting called in to work cuz other folks are sick.
Good news, I'm feeling better and it's down to a dull roar in my head.
I think I can make it.
I hope.

The sis rang yesterday. That was welcomed.
It was later in the afternoon and I wasn't too bad then.
He rang in the morning when I wasn't too good.
I'm supposing it played a part in him getting all tearful in his mother's kitchen when he swore "I won't do this again. I can't bear being apart." He's reactive when I get headaches. I know which is a left sided headache and which isn't. He's always concerned it's a sign of the tumor coming to life. I just don't feel well enough at that moment in time to give a rats rearend.

Had I not been pukey to begin with, I probably woulda made a puking noise when he was getting all sappy and mushy.

I'm so glad he's more pathetic than me. *chuckling*

In the meantime, the house is a mess. (yes, one person CAN make a disaster)
And I won't have a whole lotta time to get it picked up and cleaned--I'll be going in for 12 hours of work--oh well!

But he'll be home tomorrow night!
He'll be home tomorrow night!!

Someone to COOK for me! ROFL

.......k............

He can come HOME now...........

I think I might be getting tired from working hellaciously long hours.
And I might even be getting my 'fill' of popcorn.

I considered making myself a meal tonight. But I'm an even worse cook NOW than I was before. I cooked pasta.
It said 12 minutes.
I set the timer for 12 minutes, even!
The good news--I did hear the buzzer.
The not so good news--I didn't respond to it immediately cuz I was on the phone.........with work folks, of course. And then I got sidetracked.

The better news---no fire happened.
The bad news...............I'm gonna haffta get a pot to replace the one I let the pasta boil dry on.

No. I'm NOT kidding.


We needed some new pots anyway.

And I don't think I was REALLY hungry for pasta.
Leastwise, not enough to make it twice.
You probably ought not to 'nuke' jarred spaghetti sauce TWICE anyway, right?

He NEEDS to come home, already!
I only have two more pots I can screw up before I'm down to the skillets.

Freakout 101

k............this whole 'pathetic' thing is something people are seeing as 'normal' and something to aspire for?

Then would someone care to explain to me why it is that I'm freaking out?!

*sigh*

Ya know, I think the realities threaten everything I've ever known before.
I'm a self reliant, self sufficient, independent individual.

I don't 'need' anyone.

Should it all fall apart tomorrow--I'd deal.
I don't FEEL like I'd deal worth a darn at the moment.

18 days and this is what reality reared it's ugly head??!

I'M A MUSHBUCKET!
And EVERYONE KNOWS IT!
And we're suddenly some 'old married couple'?

Ya know those 'when we grow old I'll still be holding your hand' moments you have?
I'm living them, apparently.

NOT that it's all bad.
People 'aspire' to arrive at this point this with someone they love.
It's 'normal'.

Freaks me out.
Utterly freaks me out.
*poof* Everything you've known suddenly--gone. It's apparently been a slow erosion and no one asked my permission!

*shuddering*
And pray tell, if something SHOULD happen tomorrow...how the hell DOES one deal when they wake up and find themself here, checking locks and rechecking and reacting to all the noises a house makes?

Okay.
Breathing is required and I'll try to do that.

I need a cuppa coffee---black, no sugar.
Ya know-----it's probably just that itty bitty sh*tty committee messing with me.
Coffee.
Yep.
Maybe popcorn WITH coffee.
Gawd..........that doesn't even SOUND good at this moment!

OMG
What DID I just say!!!!!!!!!

Pathetic Email

Whaddaya suppose to do when you get something like THIS in your morning email?:

Hi Hon........
((((((((((((((((Mel))))))))))))))missing you like crazy here.
Quite honestly, I really can't wait to get back home.
It's great seeing Karen, Mum and the kids, but I miss Iowa.........I miss my home and most of all..I MISS YOU!!!!!

We are going off to find sea rocks and shells today. It's bitterly cold outside so we many not get many, but we are going to drive to Chester and then on to the coast. Dunno what time we'll get back and of course it's your long day so I doubt I'll get a chance to talk to you.............

SoI love you very much and miss you Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooodles

:-)take care
Love
Steve

Karen sends her love too.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


I believe my response was something akin to:

Ya know, I was going to say that it's been too busy around this joint to be missing anything but sleep--but that's not true.
I've discovered how pathetic I've become.
I mean -- sleeping in the guestroom hearing strange noises checking the locks two times, retiring after one in the morning so I'm GOOD and tired, keeping myself so busy I can't think and ending up thinking ANYWAY kinda pathetic.

You'd think that wouldn't happen, knowing that it's an 18 day trip and that we're MARRIED for goodness sakes!
Married folks are suppose to want time apart from their spouse--so they can kick their heels up and do what they WANNA do. Right?!
But ohhhhhhhhhhhhh nooooooooooo...........just call me pathetic.

Sappy, mushy, 'I'm feeling kinda lost and missing some major piece of me here' kinda pathetic.
Makes you wanna gak, doesn't it.

Makes ME wanna gak.

I MISS YOU.
BOY do I miss you.

Yep.

Pathetic. LOL

((((((((((((((((((((the Brit)))))))))))))))))))))

My regards to Karen--you'll haffta hug her for me and squeal a bit. :-)

*doing happy dance*
Shells! Sea glass!! Rocks!!!!!!!
I'm a happy woman!

I really do miss you.
*sigh*
I really AM pathetic.
Love you muchly and bunches and lotsa and MORE!


Can you say P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C?!?!!!
*rolling eyes*

'Men In Black' Syndrome?

So the generalized answer was "I don't do people."
Then came the analytical explanation:

I do things out of responsiblity and obligation. I have a responsibility to some people and an obligation because I get to have a LIFE today.
By chance, today I even LIKE some of those responsibilities and obligations.
My upbringing was all about how it looked--socializing with family was out of responsibility and obligation to make it 'look' how it was 'suppose to' according to the family code.
Socializing for the pure joy of being around 'human beings' isn't what I 'do'.
I do things out of responsibility and obligation.
I'm an alien.

More of that terminally unique stuff?
Perhaps.
I still struggle seeing myself 'like' other human beings.
Now, I'm told I'm more like them than I delude myself into believing.

I still am of the belief that I...................am an alien.

I'm not even sure I have a desire to BE a 'human being'.



Now THERE'S a true statement!
Makes ya wanna hum some Will Smith song, huh? LOLOL

Wow! *chuckling*

***Your Birthdate: October 1***

You are a natural born leader, even if those leadership talents haven't been developed yet.
You have the power and self confidence to succeed in life, and your power grows daily.
Besides power, you also have a great deal of creativity that enables you to innovate instead of fail.
You are a visionary, seeing the big picture instead of all of the trivial little details.

Your strength: Your supreme genius
Your weakness: Your inappropriate sensitivity
Your power color: Gold
Your power symbol: Star
Your power month: January



Supreme genius? LOLOL
Someone's gonna haffta tell me what my 'inappropriate sensitivity' is about though.
I'm sure I'll have a taker or two for THAT one! LOL