I am desperate to put my thoughts into writing now. Its been a while since I last had an emotional episode from my already planned out life until just a year ago, now I am digging deep into this life-bin of failures and frustrations in an attempt to make sense of what's truly going on with my life.

My life has changed dramatically since a year ago. I was engaged two weeks before I was suppose to leave to UK for work and had the most amazing time of my life day dreaming of "the day" for about 5 months until something major happened.

I got engaged the 14th of January and left my hometown on the 1st of February 2018. It was an all good and happy departure with hopes of making it big one day and becoming the person I so wished I was going to be and happily share my life's joy and failures with the only person I ever had a relationship with. It was a typical apprehensive and anxious parting as the destination is going to be  somewhere I am totally unfamiliar with neither have I imagined myself to be working in. Despite all those negative baggage, a hopeful and dreamy Mel took the risk and proudly tried her luck.

In between those 5 months, I met a few other men and women from all walks of life and seen how my once great dream of becoming more is the same dream with different grit and vigor in the eyes of another dreamy person. I felt small. I felt insignificantly small. My insecurities were shooting up and I felt I needed to prove myself and not loose my sanity in the process. I became a victor in proving my worth though, I was one of the few who passed our nursing licensure exam on their first take and at that time, the exam was extremely tough. But I haven't maintained my performance since then. Days went on at work, I realised this wasn't the type of job I was expecting myself to be working in. It is a care home for children with brain injury. Although our unit is one of the medically inclined unit among all other houses, it still didn't feel home. I feel I am not in my element and I know for myself that when I am not in my element, I sure am not going to grow as a person as I do not have even the slightest intent to become better and to be better. There were days when I attempted but the slightest ounce of disappointment and discouragement had great impacts on me. It felt I was pushing myself so hard into doing something I wasn't completely convinced to do.

Months into the experience, I met a guy who was so appealing to my already dead senses. I found him really interesting as he understood me in a head-level-kind of tone about life and other intangible topics that some would just label as "ka serious ba". I enjoyed having conversations with him and how he seems to be so interested in me despite my already "unavailable" status.

July 2018 came and the traditional "Pamanhikan" in Filipino culture came to happen for my fiance's family and mine. It was happy, exciting and full of hope kind of day as I gathered those who were just close and dear to me to witness that event. It was a success to put it in simple writing and I loved how intimate the occasion was. To my dismay, just 4 days later, I had a huge argument with my Mom only to find out how they actually disprove of the wedding and my soon-to-be husband as he doesn't seem to qualify to their standards and that they felt the wedding was too soon to happen. (Wow, too soon. 8 years running 9, too soon).  I decided then on to leave our house permanently and move in with Jett to forget and move on from what happened but honestly I was so crushed and disappointed at how my parents viewed my worth as their daughter. I was merely an investment to them who should repay them of their money's worth throughout the years they've invested on, me education wise and the like.


I came back to the UK with a heavy heart, at my weakest and distraught of the series of unfortunate events leading hopefully to my happy-ever-after.

True enough, at my weakest I came face to face with my greatest temptation... entertaining into my life the interesting guy I met at work. LIFE CHANGING detour that turned my life 360 degrees. I'll write more of this on my next entry.




Blogged @ 10:02 PM
Don't let me go -

I've been feeling so off lately. I kinda feel so uninterested of everything. I feel like everything in my life is just so unhappy, so unsatisfying. It's really unfair for me to say that I just couldn't find happiness in whatever and wherever I am in my life but it's really how I feel now.

Lately, I've had so much plans for  myself. I wanted to take my IELTS review seriously but my schedule and tutor feels a bit unsupportive. For this reason, I don't feel like making time doing my readings and writings. I also feel dissatisfied of my work. It's totally frustrating because now that there are 3 people helping out to do our task as compared to our situation 2 months ago, I still am not happy of where I am.

Probably because I imagined that this year, I'll be assigned in the clinical setting, but some chance of luck, I got in the Out-Patient Department. This would mean, I'd have to stay for another year so I can transfer to another area and finally get that clinical experience I've been long waiting for which also means, I will have to adjust another one year until I can finally plan on making that shot abroad. Gesh!

I feel frustrated too now that I'm seeing my friends settling down with their chosen career. They're not really that satisfied of their job the moment they took up the opportunity but over the years, they've managed to make it comfortable and satisfying for them. Now after 3-5 years of stay, they've managed to climb up the ladder of success and became bosses and/or trusted employees.

I'm also insecure of the continuous success of my other half in work and in life. Not that I am not happy of the prosperity he is experiencing now, in fact I'm very proud of him, I don't feel that I deserve someone as settled and established as him now. Presently with whatever is happening in my life, I still feel I have a long long way to go to reach that vision I have been imagining myself to become but unconsciously I am being dragged slowly by the fear of losing him, leaving him and hurting him along the way as I chase my dreams. I just feel I awe him big time and that deciding to chase after my dreams that's taking forever to accomplish is just selfish of me. Many would say why won't I just settle down and let him work for the two of us.Yes, that's the easy course but I'm not that kind of a woman who would entrust her entire life to a man. I was raised to stand on my own feet and fight for my own right and I'll remain to be like that. Maybe this unsatisfied feel is all in my thoughts, maybe all these imagined negative stuffs are just my imagination, maybe I'm too conscious of what other people would think of my decision and my situation that I've forgotten to live for myself, according to my own standard.

I really have to remind myself over and over again that other people's thoughts do not matter and that I have to remain true and honest to myself and what I really want in life.

I have visions of success and prosperity for myself. I'm just pressured because most of my friends are at the state of their lives where they feel they have achieved something and that they're proud of where they are and what they've become. As for me, I'm still striving to reach "there" but I shall promise myself that I will really reach that "there" I am talking about and that I hope someday I shall prove to those people who doubted my ability and my strength that I can make it big because I will make it big and I shall be proud not to boast my success but to share my blessings not just to them but also to those who feel the same as I do now who had broken dreams and crushed egos. I want to be an inspiration to those dreamers someday.

For now, I really pray this out sparked soul be restored to it's inspired state to continue on dreaming, to continue working and to continue inspiring. I need some juice of motivation to start the momentum, just one kick and off I go.


Blogged @ 9:19 PM
Don't let me go -

Blogged @ 2:40 AM
Don't let me go -

Katy sang this song with the lines "But in another life, I would be your girl, we'd keep all our promises, be us against the world."

It's a bittersweet song written by my most favorite pop star of all time. A story of a young love shared by two who promised forever but never really worked-out their happy-ever-after. Katy mentioned MANY can related to this song but for me, many is an understatement.

For someone so dear to tell you "you're the one that got away", it must be a heartbreaking bittersweet statement anyone has ever told. Believe me, I've experienced it first hand. Apparently my happy-ever-after never had any chance at all to come to life but my fair prince was sweet enough to tell me, right before my eyes, just 4 inches away the very lines "you're the one that got away."

So we had this total mix up of him thinking I was single the moment he met me; I holding back because of a failing relationship trying to make it work and him, dreading the return of his long time girlfriend who was at the moment his ex. By the time my relationship reached the pinnacle and came crushing down and me being single, he apparently was back with his girl (probably just a few days after I was single.) Then we had "the talk" and nothing was holding me back to let him know what I felt for him but he got the table on him first, so he said he wasn't single anymore and everything just changed. My hopes were just wrecked like Titanic sinking in an ice cold dark and deep sea.

I thought that was the end of everything. I taught my heart not to care, not to feel and just conceal. It worked a few moments but we both cannot deny how we were still mesmerized by the presence of the other and then there was the "try again" phase.

Here all the adventures started. We got to know each other in a deeper level, a much more personal space like a real love story, a hidden and concealed love story. There were ups, there were downs. There were sweet, there were bitter days. Mostly, there were cute and happy moments.

It felt like loving someone expecting nothing in return. Because of the rarity of the moment, I grab the chance of being with the him and enjoy the time the moment allows us to be together. Times were cherished passionately.

I regret nothing. Even if one day I'll discover it might have been just a game or a lie for him, I don't care (well, atleast for the time being). This chance of a lifetime taught me a lot more lessons I have read in textbooks and journals. This happy bittersweet event is my share to the world of true love. Loving beyond imperfections, flaws and restrictions without having the privilege of being his girl. Loving despite the hurt, loving amidst rejections.

My fair prince, until the the next time our cross-roads meet. I hope you'll sing a few more lines of the song:




Blogged @ 8:53 PM
Don't let me go -

"Holding you for the first time was me wishing I could hold you for eternity"

Intense. The right word to describe my line. Intense in its purest and subtle manner. I've been a fool trying to hide my emotions to the very man who made me say those words in my thoughts. I've been a fool all the more because I've allowed myself to lose control over my emotions and yes, even my affections.

I've been "insatiably" attracted to this man I call my Fair Prince. "Insatiably", yes you read it right. Feeling completely powerless right before this man is truly a puzzling piece. It's like drooling over your most favorite chocolate in the hands of another: truly tempting but completely out of reach but still paralyzes you in a way that you continue to aspire hoping that you could get a taste of it someday.

Only a fool could probably keep this going, right? Well, call me a fool but I've been in this limbo for 4 to 5 fucking months and I'm still caught up with it.

How do I really unlove you My Fair Prince? When every waking moment, I still think of you after a week of not seeing nor talking to you and checking my fone every time for any missed call or text from you? When every time I hit the sack, I wish I could hear your voice and talk to you? When I sleep, my dreams are still filled with thoughts of you? When I day dream, I imagine moments with you?

You've completely taken over my life. Every end I go, I see you. There's no way I could runaway from you because until maybe my heart stops beating, that'd be the time I'll stop thinking about you. I've been long perplexed of my feelings towards you. I know this isn't right anymore, you have Peachy and I have Jet but why does my attraction towards you over pass these road blocks? We're back to our "originals" but I am still powerless right before you whenever I see you. My cousin told me, maybe he's just a happy pill in your life, like ecstacy. You know it's not good for you but you still take it because of the "high" that it gives you. I beg to disagree at times, but sometimes I do think this might me true.

You told me the first few months how you're deeply inlove with me. All your caring gestures just melted my defense down and I just couldn't help myself but embrace you in my life. Whatever we had was mutual and God knows how I wanted to tell you the very same things you told me, but I was bounded by a pre-existing relationship that was at that time was crumbling down.

I wanted to wait for that time until I was free so I could tell you without boundaries and hesitations what I felt for you and when that time came, you, out of the blue, told me you were back with her. I was deeply crushed my Fair Prince. I spent nights crying in darkness wallowing over the wasted passion I had for you but I chose not to be bitter and angry because I still wanted to keep you.

I was stupid maybe to still have tried to lure you that even if you were back with her, I still accepted you and allowed you to still manipulated my heart. It was maybe a wrong move from a logical perspective but it was the only way I could reach you to exhaust what I felt for you. I just thought maybe you deserve to know.

True enough, it did some magic between us and we started to connect again more than we used to. My attraction grew bigger and passion grew deeper, I couldn't help but think about you all the time. Over time, calls became rare, misunderstanding became often, texts became work related. I started to feel the gap yet every time we call, you share something very personal that I know you don't do often to other people. I would like to believe this is trust and comfort and it flatters me that you feel this way towards me.

You've shared some pretty aweful truths about yourself. You've shared your countless sex-capades and "kiat" moments with other girls when you were young (and yes even upto now). You basically showed your naked self with all your flaws and imperfections to me yet I am very surprised of myself why up to now, I'm still not discouraged to stop feeling this way towards you.

I don't know but I am seeing a man with great potentials. I'm seeing a man with vision and goals in life. I'm seeing a man with zestful ambitions. You just lack a little push, a little support so you could see what wonders you could do. I'm seeing a successful man in you.

Sometimes I wish, I've met you way before when everything is less complicated than what's going on now. Sometimes I wish, I didn't feel scared to have told you what I truly felt and that I shouldn't have let the opportunity pass. Sometimes I wish, I could still love you freely.

I should have stopped loving you the moment you chose her. It should have been enough to discourage me but it just made me want you more. I also don't have the assurance to know what you feel for me now, I know it has changed, but I know you still care and that's enough for me.

I chose to go back to him to silence my heart and to once again build that wall you effortlessly crumbled down but this I know, one day when time is on our side, I will never pass the chance of loving you and I'm never letting go.

Maybe not in this life time, but someday I know I'll see you. I've never felt this intense you know. I just pray that the odds will be in our favor and that you'll choose me next time around.

I'm still inlove with you after all the rejections I endured from you. The question is, how do I really unlove you my Fair Prince?



Blogged @ 11:54 AM
Don't let me go -

Dear My Fair Prince,

I've longed to write you this letter to immortalize what I truly feel for you. It's been 3 months since we first met and I still could not talk to you about what I truly feel. Maybe because I always have to consider the other party; maybe because I always have to consider your feelings; maybe because I am just too afraid to try. Now, I don't want to think about other things aside from you and me - just you and me and nothing else.

My Fair Prince, I want to thank you for always trying even if it hurts. I want to thank you for loving me this way even if it's always a fraction of the "could have been" whole experience. My fair prince, the first time we ever had a serious talk was under those glimmering diamonds at night. It was as romantic and magical as I can imagine it could be and boy, it was! You talked about what you felt and I listened with an open heart. I couldn't explain what I was feeling at that moment - ecstatic and fearful. Ecstatic because I was so excited hearing you talk about beautiful personal feelings that I was having a hunch you were feeling towards me the moment you decided to join in the house but I was fearful at the same time because I know you had not even the slightest idea I wasn't single. You insisted to claim your 5 second hug, you don't know how I wanted to give you more but I was just too afraid to give you false hopes in the end, so I did what was agreed. I wanted to hold your hand so tight that first night but I felt it was just too soon, I needed to wait.

For some reason you got allergies due to the dusts you inhaled while sitting on that spot. I'd be too cruel to let you sit on the same spot again, so second night came and I let you in my room. A total stranger you were, I gave you my trust that you wouldn't do anything stupid even if you had all the chances in the world. I guess, I wasn't wrong to give you such trust. We talked and I enjoyed every moment of it. Time flew so fast, we reached 12am, 1am, 2am---- the next day we would struggle to wake.up early. (haha) I didn't mind getting tired the next day at all for it was worth it.

March 11, 2014, that night, something magical happened. You asked me to close my eyes and I was so hesitant to do it and even asked you "what will you do?" and you just giggled. I knew what you wanted to do, I just wanted you to have the guts to ask for it, and you did. I'm glad you did because it wouldn't have had happened. I said yes partly because I wanted to know what it feels like to kiss someone else aside from my first kiss but I also said yes because I wanted to feel your lips touch mine.  At first, I hesitated kissing you back because I was afraid, but I wanted to enjoy the magical moment with you so I kissed back. All my nerves started to shake and my soul just wanted to run wild for the ecstatic feeling I felt. Of course, I wanted to appear poise but at the back of my mind, all of me felt numb because of the elated feeling - it was just magical.

More than kissing, more than hugging what I enjoy the most is our conversation when we're together. Even through phone or in person, I just love talking to you. Maybe because it's your humor, maybe because you always have something interesting to talk about, maybe because we just don't run out of topics. I don't care but all I know is that when I am with you I feel unusually happy. Whenever I see you, I always look into your eyes and give you a smile so I could also see yours. Whenever you say you'll be staying for the night, I get this feeling of excitement wondering what wonderful memories would happen next. I couldn't contain myself at times so I try to minimize my interaction with you when you're staying so you wouldn't think I'm too excited. True, I always look forward to seeing and spending time with you even in darkness and within the small world of the four corners of my room for a fraction of a time----- I'd rather gamble with the few moments with you, than a lifetime without it.

But I wish to spend time with you beyond the walls of my room, reach in to your soul and see the beauty of it not in darkness but in light. I wish to share moments with you not in hiding but where the whole world could see. I wish not to hide us anymore.

My Fair Prince, you are absolutely amazing to me. You are an epitome of the kind of man I want ---- not too kind, not too strong, just in between where there's always a mystery to the kind of being that you are. You brought emotions in me that I've never felt before and attitudes that I never thought I had in me. You showed me how I am capable of understanding a puzzling being like you and boy it's tough! But it's an awesome journey.

The next time I could touch your face, your nose, your lips, I wish it will be forever.

I'll end this note My Fair Prince with a smile in my heart telling you I love you. Yes, I do. I never played games with you. What you saw in me and what you are reading now is the truth... You are loved My Fair Prince. You have and will always be. In my heart, you shall live.

No distance and time can take back what we shared. Even if the universe is not on our side, know that when the time comes that the odds will be ours, my heart already has a special place for you.











Blogged @ 8:27 PM
Don't let me go -

Hi. Thanks for stopping by.

Labels: #immortalizingyou #levelingup #mysweetescape #exciting #youlove #secretlove #happylove #moreplease

Blogged @ 4:13 PM
Don't let me go -

We used to be strangers,

Labels: #mysecret #younglove #acuteaffair #lifeadventures

Blogged @ 11:53 PM
Don't let me go -