Having Courage

It's been a long time since I blogged. And those who know me, know that I mostly blog when I am down. This space is like my "shrink". The sanctuary for me, to express my thoughts and feelings without being judged.... And wayyyy cheaper than a shrink I'm sure.

It was a big day today. It's been a huge fortnight actually. Not in a positive way too.

Today, I had a post-op surgical complication on one of my patients. When I found out that she needed to return to theatre, I was devastated. Filled with immense guilt and sadness. I lost my cool, and actually sobbed... Rather horridly. Uncontrollably.

But what got me through the rest of the day, was the fact that my team was sooo incredibly supportive about everything. My boss personally came in and proceeded to do the operation with me. My colleagues held my hands, and gave me big hugs - in attempts to console me. I really felt the support and love.

At that moment, I didn't care if I looked like a bad surgeon, or if I appeared incompetent. All I cared about what whether my patient was okay. Whether there was anything else I could do for me. I felt that I needed to do something to make her feel better... Anything.

But instead, SHE did the biggest thing to make ME feel better. She held my hand, and said to me "Don't beat yourself up. I know you didn't intend for this to happen". I thought to myself, how selfless of her. How could you be thinking of me as you are getting wheeled into theatre??

.....

I saw her again after the operation to debrief her. To let her know what happened and what we found. She looked much more comfortable.

She thanked me.... For saving her.

But little does she know, the reality is.... She saved me. But not losing faith in me. And for not letting me lost faith in myself.

Get well soon.

It's Been Too Long

Nobody writes blog posts anymore these days. I certainly haven't been writing. The space was originally created for me to voice the things that I haven't been able to say to some of the most cherished people in my life.

Today, I am writing again for the same reason.

Have you ever felt like you're somewhere so familiar, yet so unfamiliar? It's my first time coming home for Chinese New Year since I started working. I have almost forgotten what a huge event it is... The atmosphere, the fireworks, the ang pows, the countless mahjong and card games, the eating, visiting, and most importantly, the catching up.

I saw my first acrobatic lion dance performance of the decade. I went shopping with my family in a mall on Chinese New Year Eve, to buy new clothes - a little tradition that we grew up with. You're meant to wear new clothes on the first day of the new year! We had our own reunion dinner at home, just the four of us. We went visiting relatives on New Year's Day and I gave ang pows in KL for the first time.

I visited old friend who are now parents!

How life has changed and time has passed for all of us. But some things, some things remain. My dearest, oldest friends who have known me, and loved me despite and inspite of my flaws and imperfections. My friends who have been there for me through some of my happiest and lowest moments of yesteryears.

The past week has brought me back to a place long long time ago. A place filled with valuable memories. Memories and thoughts that perhaps, nobody else understands. A place called nostalgia.

It made me realise that, in order to achieve something... Sometimes, you have to sacrifice something back. And you may not realise exactly what that sacrifice is, until years or decades down the track. Perhaps then you'll look back and ask yourself, is it all worth it?