The Real Me

I normally post beautiful, fashionable things on my Instagram and on Facebook. Food, fashion, and other things I enjoy like nice clothes, shoes, holidays - but never anything deeper. Never anything more thought provoking… Because in my line of work, there's so much confidentiality issue that I can't really discuss my day, or how I feel on my Facebook, nor could I post too much information / pictures that reveal too much about the things I deal with at work on my Instagram. So over time, they have become an avenue of my fashion addiction.

But that is not the real me.

I would like to believe the real me has more substance - as I browse through old blog posts I have written. None of it is about fashion, or designer wear. It's because that's not why I do what I do. My love for my job and profession is not so I can go and buy nice things to make me feel fulfilled.

The real me is a lot deeper than that. I often reflect on my life and wonder if I am here for a greater purpose. And I am glad that although I'm no famous professor, my job allows me to touch peoples' lives everyday. Whether it's helping to bring their new bundle of joy to the world, keeping them alive so that they could see their loved ones, or sometimes, just being a shoulder to cry on… I believe that I am put into this world to do my job, and to do it well…. because even though I refer to it as my job, it's not it is. It is a huge part of me. It's who I am.

My husband said that I'm a giver. And I don't think he's too wrong about me. I always try to give my best in all that I do, because I enjoy seeing a smile on my patient's face at the end of it. Or a little thank you card with my name on it. It's wonderful to feel that sense of being appreciated. Whether it's at work, or at home.

I went on the "rampage" according to hubby, cleaning the house today. Because you know, how one thing leads to another - vacuuming, that led to changing all the sheets at home, that led to cleaning the bathroom, that led to doing the laundry etc etc. Hubby came home and gave me a huge hug, followed by a big THANK YOU, and now, he's preparing dinner :)

So even though my life hasn't been the cruisiest and easiest in the recent months, I'm thankful. I miss my family lots. I miss my grandma lots - to a point that sometimes, I still wake up from my dreams with tears in my eyes. I know I may not be the best in keeping in touch - emailing and making phone calls, but it doesn't mean that you guys are forgotten.

I love each and everyone of you with everything that I have, and I hope - every single day, that you guys are happy too.

Whether you're at home, on a holiday somewhere else, travelling the world, stuck at work till late, having a bad day sometimes, or even up in heaven…. wherever you may be - that you are happy too.

I miss all of you, every single day - but I just want to let you guys know, that I am happy. And that I will continue to work hard, and live my life, to make each and everyone of you proud.

The mighty pen

It's been a year since I penned anything down. This has almost become a forgotten space.
I guess with the busy lifestyle, we hardly find time nowadays to slow down, think, and pen down our thoughts.
But I seem to have a craving to write, or more like... a desire to blurt out my feelings, when I am studying.
Perhaps because I am up late at night - for I am a night owl when it comes to studying. I am NOT a morning person at all. In every sense of the word.
Somehow, the calm, still nights are when my imagination run wild, and I have this urge to pen them down.

As we approach D day, I really hope that I am going to pass this final hurdle in my journey to become a specialist. Those who know me, knows that I absolutely hate studying. I am more a "learn on the job" sort of person, but unfortunately, we've all got to play the game. And in today's society, qualifications are super important, for competition is so stiff, and it could be merely a piece of paper that separates you from another super qualified candidate.... Who knows?

I know I'm rambling.... but there's so much I wanna say - but can't string my thoughts together, because it's so fleeting.

I guess it's me freaking out before the big exams :(

And I miss popo going to the temple and praying for good luck for me.

Po

Dear Po,

It's been 6 months since you left us, to what I presume is a better place.

Not a single day go by, where I do not miss you. I still think about you a lot. The shocking diagnosis, to the way you left us so quickly. I guess, the only positive about it is, you didn't have to suffer for long.

Thinking back, there were so many instances that I should have pressed for more investigation to what was happening. You were already having some non-specific symptoms - but I guess, the question that I constantly ask myself is "Does it really change anything?"

The selfish part of me will always answer "YES!" - because we want to spend more time with you. We want you to be at our side forever. But, we're mere mortals - and forever, we do not live.

I always questioned - "Why didn't I bring you to see a doctor?" "Why didn't I press on investigation those symptoms??" "Was it a surgical complication that eventually took you, or was it merely a progression of the advanced disease?" I guess I'll never know.

But I guess it really doesn't matter - because the moment I saw you so peaceful in your sleep, I knew you wanted to go. I knew it was time. I was just glad that you waited for me to touch down, and gave me the opportunity to say goodbye before you left for good.

Po, I miss you so bad! I miss calling you, asking for recipes, I miss listening to your stories - even though in recent years, you kept repeating the same stories. They were still entertaining. I miss having you spend the night at our place. I miss giving you a foot rub, or a back rub while reminiscing the good old days.

Though I haven't lived with you in many years now, I just want to let you know that you've influenced my life in so so so many significant ways. I can still hear you saying specific phrases every time something happens - your sound advice.

I am so glad you were a big part of me growing up. I am so glad we got to go on family holidays together. I am so glad that you got to come to Australia to visit me, and see a little snippet of my life here. I am so glad that we drove you around, and went places. I am so glad I got to see your expression when you saw snow for the first time. I am so glad we got to share a snowfight experience with you. I am so glad you saw me start dating, and am so glad that you finally saw me marry the love of my life.

But Po, I am so glad that you are no longer suffering, nor in pain. I know you are at peace with everything, and that you'll always be watching over us. I am truly honoured to have been loved by you - and I just want to let you know, that you'll always always, be loved by me.

I MISS YOU SO BADLY. Somedays, more than others.