Pondering...

Maybe it's the fact that my body's lost the battle to the virus, once again... It seems that I'm not getting anywhere with this stupid cough/cold. Initially, I thought it was an allergy, with the whole itchy eyes and watery nose thing, yet they have come and gone... but the cough still lingers. Post viral maybe? But whatever it is, it's really annoying! It's difficult cause I need to talk to people when I'm at work. I don't just do a job that requires me to sit in front of the computer screen *and cough to the screen* 

Just on Monday, my consultant told me to take a break and get a drink... But what she doesn't know is.... it doesn't stop! I just keep coughing! And it annoys the hell outta me if not outta everyone else! And I'm sure everyone else is annoyed too, but they're just too polite to say anything about it. And getting through work yesterday was bad! I feel as if it takes me double the time to finish doing one simple thing, because I kept having to excuse myself~!

Frankly, I don't think it's just the physical stress that made me sick. I've got lots going on in my head as well... And it just seems like nobody really understands what I feel, what I want. But then again, who can, when I myself don't know what I want?

I've been home, thinking... What do I really wanna do with my life? Do I really wanna be a doctor? If so, WHICH kind? And even if I do lean towards one way more than the other, what happens when you don't get the sort of year that you want?! Then what?!! Should I take time off, or should I persevere and do something else in the meantime? 

I spoke to Gaya the other day, and she hasn't heard anything from *them* either, or know of anyone who's gotten a call from them.  This job is soooo competitive it's not even funny! It's like half the world applying for 30 positions or something! But I think Gaya prepared herself mentally alot better than I did, cause I was really hoping to get this job! Not all is lost though, for the PMCV matched positions are still not finalised yet, but I'm not holding my breath, if you know what I mean...

It just sucks to find out that so-and-so are in the training program, so-and-so have been accepted for XXX position, and I?? I just feel lost and left behind!! I'll feel so inferior when I come back to work, and suddenly, your colleague becomes your registrar or something, you know? But it's not so much that, than the feeling that I've wasted my time away that makes me more angry at myself. 

I don't know what to do, don't know which path to take. And it really seems that nobody understands. I'm afraid to say anything, partially because I don't know how people around me will react. What they'll think of me... whether he/she will be supportive, or will he/she be angry or disappointed with me? Am I foolish, for I fear judgement from the rest of the world? Or could I be depressed, hence my ailments last longer than they are supposed to? I'm scared, truly am...

Right now, it feels like Remy's the only one who doesn't judge me. 

Would you go interstate to pursue the job you want, albeit in a smaller hospital?? And to sacrifice your friends and family?? 

Would you stay put to figure things out, and just 'rough-it-out' for now??

Or would you take time off and go away for awhile, but risking falling behind when you come back??

I just feel like I need some directions. It's difficult for me to talk to you about it, because I feel like you're judging me, It's difficult to put it out there, you know? I guess I'm just not typically the type that announces her weakness..  

I'm sorry if I didn't bring this up earlier. 

A Dash of Life...

 I just realised that it's been more than a week since I updated anything... Well, I haven't had time to sit down and rest, really... what more updating my blog?! 

I've been working for 9 days in a row now, with a few 13.5 hours shifts, AND on top of that, had to do literature searches for my presentation during the Gynae Audit Meeting. Thank God it went well though!! :) I'm soooo relieved it's over though! I hate doing literature reviews... 

Been rostered to work the whole weekend too, which didn't help! AND I seem to be the shit magnet when it comes to Obstetric stuff! I had 2 code greens **for those who are unaware, it's an emergency caesar in theatre. Elective cases will be delayed, and everyone's expected to drop everything and accomodate the case** on my first day, and 3 code greens on my second day! Which is pretty rare, trust me!! Even for a tertiary hospital! I have pretty much seen every obstetrics complication there is! You name it, I've probably been part of it... still doesn't mean I can handle it on my own though. 

I am beginning to really like my job. Slowly getting a hang of things, and understanding a little bit of what we're doing... Don't have to duck out after seeing each and every patient to get a second opinion... hehehe... Although, I have to say though, I still feel pretty lost doing Urogynae stuff, because it's so subspecialised! None the less, theatre time is always exciting, and consultants are mostly lovely!! 

Sorry I seem to be blogging about my job, but that's about all I've been doing for the whole duration I've been MIA. Hahahaha... I have no life! SOooo sad! The only socialising I did the whole week, was going out for dinner on Sunday night! Even then, I was too tired to really enjoy myself...

Anyways, can't wait till the weekend comes! We're heading up to the snow again! Yippie!! This time around, with Tony, James and co. Aaron might be coming too, so it should be swell!! :) Haven't seen these people in months! 

Hope everyone's been keeping well! Shall update soon with some photos, when I eventually have time to snap some! :) 

Love lots, 

Mei

AwWwW...

Albert Payson Terhune, the famed dog writer of the 1920s and 1930s who authored the Lassie books, often told this story about his friend Wilson to illustrate the deep love that people and dogs share. It also shows how sometimes what seems to be in the best interest of all concerned may not apply when one of those concerned is a dog.

Wilson’s dog, Jack, was an energetic, six-year-old collie that would meet him every day at the trolley station when Wilson returned from work. This was a ritual that had begun when Jack was a pup. The dog knew the route to and from the station like the back of his paw—and following that route was the highlight of his day. So when Wilson changed jobs and had to move to California, he thought it best to leave Jack on his home turf in Philadelphia with a relative. He explained all this to the dog upon leaving and told him that they both would have to adjust to new homes.

But Jack didn’t want a new home. He would not stay with the family he’d been left with. He returned to Wilson’s old house, even though it was boarded up, and there he passed his solitary days beside an abandoned chair beneath the portico. But every evening, tail wagging, he trotted off to the trolley station. For as long as Jack had been in the world, Wilson had always taken the same trolley home from work, and Jack had been there to greet him. But evening after evening, there was no sign of the devoted dog’s master. Confused and sad, he would return alone to the deserted house.

The dog’s depression grew. He refused the food left for him, and as the days passed, he became thinner and thinner, his ribs noticeable even through his thick blond coat. But every evening, ever hopeful, he’d go to the station to meet the trolley. And every evening, he’d return to the porch more despondent than before.

No one knows why Jack’s new family didn’t contact Wilson, but Jack’s deteriorating condition did not go unnoticed. A friend who lived nearby was so upset by it that he took it upon himself to send a telegram to Wilson in California, informing him of the dog’s situation.

That was all it took.Wilson bought a return train ticket immediately; he knew what he had to do. Upon arriving in Philadelphia, he waited several hours just so that he could take the same trolley that he always did when coming home. When it arrived at the station, sure enough, there was Jack, waiting and watching as the passengers got off. Looking and hoping. And then suddenly there he was, his beloved owner. His master had returned at last! Jack’s world was whole once more—and so was Wilson’s.

Wilson later told Terhune, “Jack was sobbing almost like a child might sob. He was shivering all over as if he had a chill. And I? Well, I blew my nose and did a lot of fast winking.”

Wilson took his devoted dog, Jack, back to California with him. They were never separated again.

Reprinted by permission of Hester Jane Mundis (c) 1999.

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Awwwwww...

If only Remy loves me as much as Jack loved Wilson... but then again, I'll never leave Remy alone. I could never...

Of random quotes...

When I feel like I need a little pick-me-up, 

I always reach for those little quotes that I have written down, 

Tucked away somewhere, 

Amongst a million other things in my study. 

Here are a few of my favourites that I'd like to share with you: 

• Sometimes, we must get hurt in order to grow. We must fail in order to know. Sometimes, our vision clears only after our eyes are washed away with tears.

• I cried when I knew I lost you, afraid I had lost it all. Then I realised that losing you, didn't have to mean I lost me. 

• Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you'll lose your ability to learn new things and move forward with your life.

• Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared.

• Hope begins in the dark. The stubborn hope that if you just show up and do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait, and watch, and work. You don't just give up!You

• You'll be surprised how far you can go, from the point where you thought was the end. 

• One day, someone will walk into your life, and you will realise why it never worked out with everyone else.

........................................................................

On a separate note, we went to the snow again yesterday, and did something different this time :) 

ATTEMPTING JUMPS! 

Yeaps, that's Jonny boy... getting some air :)

Mei looking like a retard, but none-the-less, getting a little bit of air time... kekekeke...

Went with the boys yesterday... I reckon that's the reason why I attempted the jumps. Peer pressure, I tell ya. Cause they all wanted to do it, and being the only girl, I had nobody else to ski around with... hence got sucked into doing jumps with them :) 

But I had heaps of fun, albeit falling a couple of times! Hehe. 

The only posey pic of me, from the whole day. 

Alrite, I'm going to bed now. Long day for me tomorrow :( 

Will be praying for your recovery, little Bailey! Don't be so naughty next time! I hope you've learnt your lesson...