a Birth Story - a Journey of Gratitude

My Birth Story.

Wow.  I have read countless birth stories across the internet but the idea of having my own seems like a fantasy.  So much of my pregnancy was spent discussing the birth and what I wanted the outcome to be but the idea that it is all said and done still seems …. well… unreal. 

This will be a long post so if you actually read the whole thing, kudos.  I want to preface this by saying that these are only my opinions as they relate to me and by no means reflect my opinions on others' choices. To each their own!

I have always been pro-epidural.  I thought the idea of doing it without an epidural seemed crazy and pointless.  What's the point of going through the pain when you don't have to?  What do you have to prove? 

I never expected my views to change so drastically.

When J and I decided that we wanted to start on the baby-train.  We never imagined it would take us a full year to conceive.  I went through such an emotional roller coaster during that time and it really set the stage for what I wanted my birth experience to be.  If you read my blog, you know I am adopted.  I had a lot of emotional energy surrounding the idea of whether I would be able to conceive.  I grew up with the intimate knowledge that some people can't biologically have kids.  So when we weren't immediately pregnant, all sorts of fears took over about whether it was even possible. 

When we finally got pregnant, I then went through a whole new roller coaster of gratitude mixed with fear of carrying full term.  Around 13 weeks, I had a scare and thought I was miscarrying.  I was in Chicago at a work conference and almost went to the ER to get checked out until I was able to get my OBGYN on the phone.  The ultrasound confirmed that everything was perfectly fine but that overwhelming feeling of thanks never left.  I spent my entire pregnancy just focusing on how utterly grateful I was that God had blessed us with a child.  And I continually reminded myself that all I could do was take care of myself and trust in Him that everything would be fine. 

When we reached the half-way point, and had the defining ultrasound that shows gender and all other markers, we were green-lighted with a healthy baby boy.  J and I were beyond thrilled.  We both believed it was a boy the moment we got pregnant (even though all of the old-wives tests said girl except for one). 

Once we reached that half-way point, we signed up for a Pregnancy Class and spent several weeks attending what J and I call "our Hippie Class" … The class was wonderful and focused on nutrition during pregnancy and what rights you have when you deliver.  The class was heavily focused on home-births but J and I had already made the decision to deliver in the hospital.  Besides it being covered by insurance, it was also what we believe is a safer option for our first delivery.  We thoroughly enjoyed the class and felt like we learned a lot (especially since I basically knew NOTHING about the birthing process prior to the class).  But I think we were both surprised how little the laboring portion was discussed. 

As we got closer to my due date, more people asked what my intentions were.  I wanted a natural birth … but I also know things don't always go as planned so I wasn't ruling out an epidural.  Basically, I wanted a natural birth but if something required an intervention or I just wasn't feeling it… I wanted the option of an epidural without feeling like I had failed myself and my plan. 

I had heard all the benefits of a natural birth but the idea of actually having one hadn't even occurred to me until my dear friend Whitney had a beautiful home-birth with her twins.  It was such a positive and powerful experience for her and her husband that the idea of a natural birth seemed so much more achievable. 

When I made the natural decision, I called my friend Layne who had both natural and medicated births in a hospital.  I asked about the pain and whether it was like breaking a bone.  (I've broken 11 bones, so I can handle that kind of pain).  She laughed and gave me a heartfelt and honest answer… and I knew, I could handle it.  I told J, "I'm great with pain when there's a purpose!  It's stupid pain, like jamming a finger, that I suck with" ….. I was in!  The natural plan had hooked me!

I spent the next several weeks getting in tune with our little boy.  I knew what I hoped for his birth and I felt like he understood and was on board.  Call me crazy but I honestly felt like he got it and that we could work together to make the birth positive and efficient. 

J and I typed up our Birth Plan and had our doula sign off on it.  (She's a birthing expert so we were thrilled to receive her feedback and advice).

...  Unmedicated.  Delayed Cord Clamp.  Essential Personnel Only.  Hydrate by drinking (water, juice) instead of having an IV.  Intermittent monitoring.  Labor freely in the tub.  Minimal interruptions.  Push and deliver in any position I like.  Placenta encapsulation.  Immediate skin-to-skin.  All newborn procedures performed in our presence.  ...

People were continuously shocked to find out that I wanted to do it natural.  Women who already had children often laughed in my face and I got several "Good Luck with That!" comments.  Others were supportive but suggested that I choose a "method" to deal with the pain like Hypnobirth, Bradley Method, etc.  Eventually, I started telling people that I was planning on using the Bradley Method even though I had no intention of actually doing it or even knew what the Bradley Method was. 

I decided I didn't want to be one of those women who just think they can "wing it" and then can't.  I started listening to a podcast called Preggie Pals. And man, oh man, I listed to almost EVERY episode.  I loved it!  They talked about so many topics.  Many of which I agreed and some which I didn't.  They also had an episode about each Labor Method that basically gave a quick overview of how it works and why women choose it.  After listening to the various methods, I felt firm in my decision not to use any of them.  I know my body.  And I believed that listening to my body would be better than any pain management technique. 

The Friday before I went into labor, we had a fun date night with Whitney and her husband. She asked me if I had any fears about the pain and the birth.  And I didn't.  I was ready.  I explained how I wanted to feel the pain and was kind of looking forward to it.  I knew I could trust my body and that the pain was only a temporary part of the journey to our beautiful little boy.  The only fears I had were about not being able to control the situation.  Not knowing when he would come.  Not knowing whether he would be faced the correct way, etc.  But the pain, I could handle.  I wanted to feel my body doing its job and bringing our boy in the world.  The idea of not feeling that scared me.

Fast forward two days later.  It was a Sunday (December 15th) and 10 days until my due date.  I was determined to get the nursery ready and spent ALL day working on it until 7pm.  Around 8pm, I started cramping.  I had these same cramps overnight for a couple nights so I didn't think much of it.  By 10pm when J got home from work, I was feeling all sorts of weird and was sitting in the bath wondering if I was in labor.  By 11pm the contractions were 5 minutes apart but still painless.  J and I were laughing and joking about them.  Finally at 3:30am, they were painful and I wasn't able to talk or move during them.  We called our doula and she suggested to try and sleep as much as possible and to call her in the morning if I am still contracting.  The next morning, the doula arrived at our house around 9am to see how I was progressing.  The moment she arrived, she told J that it was time!  I couldn't talk or walk through the contractions because they were in my back and so utterly painful that all I could do was pace around the bathroom between each one.  So we jumped in the car and headed to the hospital. 

J texted my mom and said "Get on a plane!" … she was shocked.  No one expected him to come before the end of the year, much less BEFORE his due date.  When we got to the hospital we delivered a basket of goodies I had prepared for the nurses.  J had the brilliant idea of sticking copies of our Birth Plan in the basket too.

By the time we got to our room, I was already at 5 1/2 centimeters.  They let me keep my sleep dress on so that I didn't have to wear one of those huge hospital gowns.  The birthing room was huge and amazing!  It had so much space.  I paced and paced and paced in circles through my contractions, just breathing and focusing on my little boy. 

My entire pregnancy, I had done a lot of visualization of him in my womb… developing and growing and thriving.  We were constantly using visualization techniques throughout gymnastics so using them during my pregnancy and delivery were important parts of how I handled things.  Every contraction, our doula would tell me to visualize him moving down the birth canal and my body opening for him.  It was a mental marathon.  I kept quiet for the most part during those first few hours.  I moved to the bathtub in the birthing suite and just relaxed for a bit.  The tub was such a relief with the contractions getting more and more painful.  Unfortunately, it also slowed down the process a little.  So I was back up and on my feet.  Moving around the room.  Laying around in different positions and different areas of the room.  Our doula and Joel applied counter-pressure to assist with my back contractions.  I basically was just doing anything that made me feel better and moved the process along. 

After a while, things seemed like they were at a standstill and I kept asking how I could move things forward.  The staff had been so incredibly respectful of our birth plan and followed each request without question!  However, I was to the point where all we were waiting on was for my water to break.  And it wasn't breaking.  My doula said the better nutrition you have during pregnancy, the more firm the water sack.  I don't know if that's true but it sure made me feel better!  Finally, the only option was for them to break my water… so I jumped on it!  Yes, please!  My doula explained how it would cause me to go from active labor to transition where the contractions would be even more painful but it would allow him into the birth canal so that I could start pushing.  I was ready to meet him.  Let's do this. 

After they broke my water, things progressed quickly!  Every time I would have a contraction, I would throw up.  Contraction. Puke.  Contraction. Puke.  If you know me, you know that I have had intense digestive issues my entire life which caused me to throw up regularly since infancy.  The contractions were upsetting my stomach so everything was coming up and out! 

J stayed by my side the entire time.  Bringing me water, holding my hand, putting wash cloths on my face, holding my throw up bag….. just showing me love and being my quiet comfort through the whole process.  

Once transition was in full swing, he came fast.  I started pushing almost immediately and his head was starting to show as they got my doctor in the room.  Pushing was the most intense and craziest pain I have ever experienced.  I put more effort into pushing then I think I have put into anything in my entire life!  Feeling my body expand and tear but knowing I had to continue pushing… making it worse… was a mind trip and the only time during the entire labor process where I questioned whether I could handle it.  So I  P-U-S-H-E-D and then some!   The guttural noises that came out of my mouth shocked me! It was a quick pushing process of only about 15 minutes and he was out!  Laying on my chest, crying.  The most beautiful human being I had ever seen. 

 

They waited until the cord quit pulsing before cutting it.  When they cut the cord, he was able to snuggle up to my neck.  My son.  My new purpose in life.  I just kept looking at J in disbelief.  He is ours.  We made him.  He is half of you and half of me.  A blessed gift that I was truly honored and humbled to receive. 

J leaned over and whispered in my ear "I love you.  Thank you for bringing our son into the world."

Avett.

Born 12.16 at 6:08pm. 
7 lbs 6 oz.  21 1/2 inches.  

I am grateful for a birth experience that was positive and enriching.  My preconceived idea of what Avett's birth would be like was fulfilled and I was thrilled that it went the way it did.  I would not have been able to do it without the amazing love and support from my husband and our doula.  

Avett -

I am truly honored to be your momma.  I promise to do my very best to be the mother, friend, confidante, and positive support that you deserve.  I have so much hope and excitement for your journey in life and promise to do my best to help you achieve your goals and desires.  I promise to have patience with you and ask you to have patience with me as I navigate the role of motherhood.  I promise to provide you with as many tools as I can so you can brave this world with the confidence you deserve.  I promise to give you a solid foundation of a loving family and hope the hard work we put into having a loving marriage can be an inspiration to you when you seek your companion.  I promise that the times that I fail you will not be on purpose but are my opportunities for growth - they will come with a valuable lesson which I promise to take to heart.  I promise to provide you with the pillars of my faith and hope that one day you will explore that faith and that it will fill your heart as it has mine.  I promise to instill in you the importance of meaningful communication and hope you always feel I am a safe place for you to express your thoughts.  I promise to embrace your spirit and trust you enough to help you become the person you wish to be.  I promise not only to love you with all of my being but to express that love to you every day. 

"Dear God, I thank You for the gift of this child to raise, this life to share, this mind to help mold, this body to nurture, and this spirit to enrich. Let me never betray this child’s trust, dampen this child’s hope, or discourage this child’s dreams. Help me to help this precious child become all you mean him to be. Let your grace and love fall on him like gentle breezes and give him inner strength and peace and patience for the journey ahead."

I love you,
your Momma

Doula: Kristy Huber  khdoula.com

Newborn Photos: Kelsey Zamudio  kelzphoto.com 

Babypalooza!

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You may have noticed that I have been MIA on le blog.  It’s been for good reason.  A lot has been going on in the J and M household.  And to be honest I couldn’t write about it  Maybe I shouldn’t say couldn’t, as much as, didn’t want to. 

I didn’t know where to start and I didn’t know what I wanted to put it in a public forum.  I have done everything possible over the past 7 years to make this blog as private as possible aside from requiring a sign-in. 

In April of 2012, J and I kicked our butts in gear and decided to get on the baby bandwagon.  We had been discussing it at length for a while and decided it was time to start “trying.”  Or as J called it, “we pulled the goalie.”  We didn’t talk about it to anyone and I made him swear to complete and utter silence about it.  I didn’t want anyone to know because I didn’t want the pressure.  I didn’t want the constant questions or the questioning looks or feeling like I was on baby-watch. 

Of course, after making him swear to the ends of the Earth that he would not tell a soul, I was the one who lost it.  We had been trying for 6 months and I was starting to lose my mind. 

For a little background, I’m adopted.  My sister is also adopted.  I grew up with the intimate knowledge that some people can’t have kids.  It’s not in their biological cards.  Adoption has always been a huge part of my life, my existence and my being.  My sister and I volunteered as kids with an adoption service that my parents worked with.  We went to meetings and talked to parents looking to adopt about our experience, our thoughts, how we were told, etc. etc. etc.  My parents volunteered their time going through parent files and doing home interviews.   Adoption was and is an intimate part of my life. 

So after 6 months of trying (and seeing numerous friends get prego first try), I started to lose it.  I know stress is a major cause of fertility issues so I didn’t take my freak out to J.  More because I didn’t want him to get all stressed and then have both of us be big ol’ stress-cases. 

One day, I was skyping with a dear friend “across the pond” and she asked me…  Now most of my friends who had been asking were back in Oklahoma… so coming up with some silly answer like “oh, ya know… one day eventually” was easy over the phone.  But face-to-Skype-face was different.  I suddenly couldn’t talk.  I had no answer.  I just started crying.  She was all the way in England and I just cried.  She was pregnant at the time with her beautiful little boy, so I held back a little.  I didn’t want to put that burden on her of being the “shoulder” even though I was already crying.  She told me my stress worries were dumb and that J had the right to know how I was feeling about it.  She was right. 

J and I went to see the medicine man that married us and I let it ALL go.  I cried and cried and ugly-girl cried some more.  I expressed my fear of creating some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy about adoption and I let J know just how totally freaked out I was.  My English lady was right.  It was the best thing I could have done.  J wasn’t freaked out like I was.  He had total faith and hope in us and the plan God has for our lives. 

Needless to say, he spent the next several months reassuring me and dealing with my female freak-outs.   Without his support and patience, I would have been an even crazier mess.  He convinced me that I needed a female to talk to.  As a husband, he was giving me the utmost support, but he pointed out it would probably be helpful to talk with someone that would understand the female side of my freakout. 

Enter Whit.  Whit is a mother of 4 beautiful kids.  Most recently she had twins through an amazing homebirth experience.  She is a SuperMom in every aspect of the word.  The first night I met Whit was while visiting with our Medicine Man.  She knew about all my adoption stuff and it was refreshing to talk to a female who knows me.  She knows what insecurities I have and where I stand on life choices.  She texted with me through every test and each week of freakout.  She is really big on nutrition and knowing where your food comes from.  Through all her nutrition research and homebirth experience, she had all this knowledge just ready to go.  Having that female perspective was refreshing and needed. 

Fast forward 6 months and I started tests at the doctor to figure out “the issue” … Basically I started doing lots and lots of blood work.  Low and behold, to make a long story as short as possible, it came back a little unexpected….   

Baby P - debuting Christmas day! 

 

To say we are thrilled is an understatement!

We met my parents at DisneyWorld when I was just about 9 weeks along.  I only see them a couple times a year so the fact that we got to tell them in person was more amazing than I ever expected! 

We waited until we found out the sex to go public and it is a boy!!  We both knew it was a boy though.  I always thought that was silly.  How do you know that it’s one sex or the other.  But we knew.  Even before we conceived, I just had a feeling that our first child would be a boy.  When we went to the ultrasound, there was no doubt in our minds. 

Fast forward to today and I am a couple days from 30 weeks.  I wanted to do weekly updates but when it came to write them, I decided against it.  I just didn’t feel like sharing every detail with the world.  I share the details with J and close friends that I talk to regularly, but the idea of sharing it with everyone wasn’t what I wanted.  So … here is my official first update:

29 Weeks

Total Weight Gain: I lost 3 lbs the first trimester so I’m up 15 lbs from then or 12 lbs from my pre-prego weight. 

Maternity Clothes: jeans!  I love my prego jeans.  Baby P has always sat really low so I wasn’t able to button my regular jeans pretty quickly just because it hurt.  I still wear them occasionally with a little belly band but they just aren’t as comfortable as my Prego-Jeans! I also had to buy maternity work pants and some shirts that go down low enough to cover the tops of them. 

Gender: Boy :)

Movement: So active!  I started feeling him around 14 weeks and he has been super active ever since!  The ultrasound techs always comment about how much he is moving around.  It's been crazy for me over the last few weeks to watch my stomach move.  Sometimes it looks like he's having a dance party in there!  We’ve got an active baby on our hands!
 
Sleep: Questionable.  I had a terrible time sleeping until a friend gave me a giant prego pillow.  It’s amazing!  Now I sleep until I get up to pee in the middle of the night and tend to stay up for an hour or so until I can fall back asleep.

What I Miss: Beer.  Oh sweet, delicious beer!  How I miss thee!

What I'm Looking Forward To: My baby showers!  My mom is flying into town to attend.  Only the second time I have seen her since Baby P came on board :)  .... AND I'm excited about actually starting on the nursery. (That’s a whole post in itself!)

Cravings: Ice Cream, Root Beer, Potatoes, Eggs

Aversions: First trimester – the smell of browning meat made me so nauseous!  Gross.  Now, I have none.

Other Crazy Symptoms: hearing issues. My ears keep sounding clogged where I echo in my head.  It is extremely annoying (especially with all of my presentations).  I travel A LOT for work so I also have been loving my chiropractic appointments.  After trucking through the airport, I always tend to have some intense sciatic/pelvic pain so my chiro is the only way I feel better.

Daddy Update: Busy!  He has been working crazy hard trying to get the new studio up and running before Baby P shows up.  It is beautiful! ...  and the grand opening is this weekend!  Other than that, he has been hard at work trying to get our basement finished so we can move my office downstairs and start on the nursery.  I think we are both over the idea of construction!  Home stretch.  

Best Moment so far:  I love when J is able to feel Baby P moving around.  He moves A LOT.  J’s reaction is always hilarious!  He gets so surprised at every kick and squirm.  I love it.

I can't believe we are on the home stretch!  Crazy!  I purchased his newborn photo outfit over the weekend... Super fun!  And we scheduled our BabyMoon.  Everything is coming along slowly but surely!  Can't wait to meet our little guy :)

"Dear God, I thank You for the gift of this child to raise, this life to share, this mind to help mold, this body to nurture, and this spirit to enrich. Let me never betray this child’s trust, dampen this child’s hope, or discourage this child’s dreams. Help me to help this precious child become all you mean him to be. Let your grace and love fall on him like gentle breezes and give him inner strength and peace and patience for the journey ahead."

Identity Capital

Thirty.  The decade of discovery is coming to an end and the decade of adulthood is right around the corner.  At least, that’s how I feel.  In less than a month I will be the BIG 3-0. 

30.  Wrapping my head around 30 has been tough.  The twenties have been a decade of learning, growing, changing, screwing up, screwing around, and living life with the idea that… well … I still have time. 

Time to make the wrong decisions.  Time to discover myself.  Time to chase silly dreams.  Time to explore life. 

I saw this TED talk by Dr. Meg Jay called “Why 30 is not the new 20” … and it hit me hard.  You can watch it here:   http://www.ted.com/talks/meg_jay_why_30_is_not_the_new_20.html

I HIGHLY recommend you watch it.  I wish this TED Talk would have been a staple of my 20^th birthday.  Like your driver’s test at 16.  You’re 20?!  Watch this NOW!

Several things she said hit me on a level that I can’t explain.  She vocalized things that I didn’t know how to express.  The 20s – a decade to prepare your life for your future. 

30 always seemed REAL.  Real as in, set.  I thought by the time I was 30 I would be solid in the foundation of the rest of my future.   I would ideally be a younger version of my parents.  I’d have the dream house, the car, the set in stone career, the family of my own. 

I don’t think I ever considered that my parents had numerous houses that came one at a time, spread over 40 years of marriage and each one was their “dream” at the time they bought it.  The standard I set for my 30s was about 25 years too early but I was somehow right on track with my stepping stones.  Our house is small and old, but it is exactly what we sought out when we started looking.  I no longer have that red convertible, but I have the exact middle-income economy car I set my mind to.   They aren’t my “dreams” items but they are what I “dreamt.”

The twenties are a time to discover yourself… but that means discovering yourself  while creating an identity.  Twenties isn’t a time to just throw away all responsibility, it’s a time to create Identity Capital. 

A couple parts of the talk were perfectly stated expressions of two major points of my twenties: Finding a Partner and Exploration. 

In college I had a boyfriend that was perfect… perfect for college that is.  He was the Rush Chair for his fraternity, then the Social Chair for his fraternity and then the fraternity President.  Basically his job was planning the best parties and making sure that everyone had plenty of fun.  He was perfect for that scenario.  We talked about marriage because, well, that was the next step.  You graduate college, get married, start Career, have babies, retire. 

What a plan that was.  Seems so dumb now that marriage was more of a stepping stone.  He was the worst partner I could have chosen for my life.  But at 21, surrounded by sorority sisters where my biggest decision was what Date Party gift I should make…. I didn’t have a clue. 

When my husband and I started dating, we started couples counseling.  Growing up in the “south” the idea of counseling was a sign of weakness.   A sign that something was wrong.  With my husband, that wasn’t the case.  It was a sign that you wanted to grow.  And that you wanted to make sure that growth was in a positive, loving direction.  We went through more counseling before we got married then after.  And it was the best decision we could have ever made.  It gave us the tools to deal with life as a couple.  As partners.  Together.  We talk all the time, how we would never be where we are today if we didn’t go through all the counseling we’ve done (and still sporadically do)over the past 7 years.  

The second part of her talk that really struck me was Exploration.  She discusses the negatives of huddling together with the same group of people.  Not investing in outsiders is not investing in yourself.  Or your identity.   Take chances and reach outside your comfort zone. 

In college, I huddled around my comfort zone of female friends.   At my university, the Greek system was HUGE.  As in, EVERYTHING.  Or so I was told.  I clung to my small group of about 10 sorority sisters.  I regret that decision ALL the time.  I should have branched out.  But I was scared.  I was thriving in my little comfort zone bubble.  I should have branched out to the other 83 girls living in my sorority house with me…  or heck,  the other 200 or so girls in my sorority in general.  I especially should have branched out to other people on campus.  I should have.  But I didn’t.  I don’t have much to show for that time of my life socially.  The girls I thought were lifelong friends never answer my calls.  When I moved out of state, only two of those girls stayed in touch.  And although we just keep in touch through our blogs, facebook, and instagram, I care about them and their journey in life… and am so thankful that they care about mine.  The rest stayed where they always were… as “activity friends”… I just didn’t see it then. 

I realized that the majority of friends I made in college that were caring and supportive friends AFTER graduation were males.  They cared about my journey and life and vice versa.  But as we all found our partners in life, those friendships went by the wayside.  Which I think was necessary and predictable. 

I regret not using the college atmosphere to grow more in my identity.  I should have done that study abroad program.  I should have joined the club I was scared to join.  I should have spent more time outside of class learning from the professors I valued.  I should have taken advantage of having 26,000 peers at my fingertips.  They always say hindsight is 20/20. 

I at least feel like I made up for that after graduating.  I moved out of state a year later which was a whole new form of identity exploration.  I lived a year in Utah, a year in Vegas, and then came back to Utah.  I met so many people and made so many friends.  But these friends were on a whole different level.  They were meeting mid-20s me… not fresh-out-of-high-school-time-to-drink-a-beer-me.  Living in 2 states where I had no background was difficult.   I didn’t run into childhood friends at the grocery story.  I didn’t have that “I know so-and-so” moment.  I didn’t have my high school friends I could call when I needed a ride from the airport or wanted to grab lunch.  I didn’t have my family when I needed a hug.  I was just me.  By myself.  Making a new identity and growing into who I am today. 

It was rough.  It was exciting.  It was new. 

It changed my perspective on all sort of beliefs.  Changed my political affiliation.  Strengthened my faith.  Created new passions.  Solidified my identity.   And it was worth every second. 

As I enter my 30s, there are things I wish I could change.  Things I wish I would have explored or taken advantage of.  But with those comes the lesson to always continue to grow.  To live outside your comfort zone.   To adapt, to change, to explore, to have fun, to love, and to cherish every day we are given. 

So here’s to you, Thirty.  Let’s get this decade started.  We have a whole new journey ahead and I can’t wait to get started!