I made it to day 12

And then AF reared its ugly head. I knew she was coming--but I couldn't help but hope that the cramps were something else.

One week down

And one week to go. As true to form, as excited and hopeful that I was last week, this week, I'm feeling more down and negative. Why? This makes me so mad. Why can't I stay excited and hopeful???

It's funny. I can envision a positive pregnancy test. I can see that day. Why can't I realize that it may in fact someday be a reality? It could even be this month? Am I trying to protect myself from failure or have I really become this negative??

On the viral front, I'm a congested mess. Afrin is my best friend. WOohoo!

I'm falling apart!

Vomiting at work, not fun. Less fun is that everyone at my office now thinks that I'm pregnant. You know, heaven forbid that a woman of child-bearing age get a stomach virus. Even one of my partners just smiled at me when he found out that I was sick. Smiled! If only I could've made it out of the office without vomiting.

It would be great to think that vomiting 5 days after IUI meant that I was already having morning sickness, but I'm thinking that's impossible. Much more possible is that every virus available is hitting my body this weekend...after the vomiting friday came the cold on saturday and the general misery and stuffiness today. This is lovely!

So, I'm now 7dpIUI and besides my lovely virus, don't really feel anything. Minorly sore breasts, but nothing to write home about. Occasional uterus/ovary twinges, but I really don't know what to make of that. I'm trying to think positively. Trying. Trying to realize that all of this is part of the journey of us adding to our family. Regardless of the outcome. Argh.

And to prove that I'm not in control...

I had a positive ovulation predictor test yesterday! On CD 24!

I called the RE this AM and we went in and did IUI! My cervix was open and there was "lots" of ewcm. My doctor thinks that the dexamethasone helped to trigger ovulation. I'll take it.

My husband's sperm count looked great and my body looked favorable. So, instead of waiting for AF, we're officially in the 2ww!

WOW!

To be positive

Everything I'm feeling right now can be summed up in the words of another infertility blogger. Click here to read.

I'm always planning for the next step. I haven't even done IUI yet on Clomid--since I had lack of ovulation this month, and I'm planning and worried about IUI with injectable medications. I haven't even done a single IUI yet, and I'm thinking about IVF. I haven't even done IUI yet, and I'm already planning on it being a process that doesn't result in a baby. I'm completely sabotaging myself, and NOT trusting in God. And I realize that I'm doing it and I have those thought processes partially to protect myself. Protect myself from the pain. Protect myself from staying vulnerable. Protect myself from hope.

Sigh.

I search other blogs that are going through IUI and I see more that don't succeed than do. And I somehow bring that back to ME and think that I'm not going to be successful.

Sigh.

I am not in control. I am not in control.

It's a bust

Sigh.

Never, never, never in my wildest imagination would I have thought that I wouldn't ovulate this month. I have never never never not ovulated on clomid. So, imagine my shock last week when I went to the clinic for my ultrasound and there were no growing follicles. Disbelief. I felt like my body had utterly failed me. Again.

And I went through all of the stages of grief in the last week just over a lack of ovulation. I was not at all mentally prepared for that. I think I need to buck up a little. I mean, we could be pregnant in the next couple of months. But this also could be a very long road ahead. I'm not being pessimistic. Really.

Only the grace of God is getting me through this. I know that He is faithful regardless. Regardless of my malfunctioning body. Argh!

So, my RE started me on daily low-dose dexamethasone. And I'll go up on the clomid next cycle. And if that doesn't work, then we are on to injectibles. All I can do is try to maintain some level of sanity. And this week is so much better than last week. I'm back exercising, eating right, having alone time, having God time. And all I can do is take this day by day.

On another note, I can not help but comment on the craziness that is the octuplets that were born recently. I'm sure that it has been mentioned in one way or another on every infertility blog. The most recent news states that she is a single college educated female who has obtained sperm through donation, and yes, these two pregnancies resulting in 14 children were from IVF and not IUI. I have so many layers of thoughts on this, that I can't even comment well at this point. All I can say is, how irresponsible is that RE? And who in their right mind would put in 8????? And who is this woman and how mentally unstable can she be? Maybe I'll write more later.