I Still Sometimes Cannot Believe It

I am not just a mother but a mummy?

WHAT!!!!

How did I get to this point?

I remember being pregnant that very first time I remember actively doing the deed to get to that point, I remember the birth (ouch) and I remember looking down into my firstborn’s face that very first time, her head between my crotch all smeared with my blood her eyes wide open looking straight at me and satisfyingly noticing before anyone else that she was a girl.

There was no ah! moment, no divine type experience in my emotions (except relief in it being all over) and I certainly did not suddenly feel like some baby’s mother.

Now don’t get me wrong even in those early days when feeling like a mummy was as alien to me as growing fur I still felt fiercely protective towards her and feelings of anger would sometimes overwhelm me when people who came to visit and welcome her God forbid wanted to hold her. Being me I think it helped that I never felt guilty about those feelings and just accepted them as what they were i.e. normal (for me at least).

I remember holding her upon my lap in the very early days and wondering how had I got to this point, going through the motions of caring for her and not experiencing that ah! moment that so many mothers talk about. Then at approx two plus months old I told one of my aunts I don’t feel like a mummy, she responded with laughter, saying she sometimes still felt like that (at the time she had two teenage children and always to my eyes exuded all things motherly). Those words help to confirm to me that I was indeed normal and that in time it would all become clear to me but most of not to rush it and certainly don’t obsess about it.

I mean I knew I loved her, couldn’t imagine life with out her and pray for the fool who might put God out of his thoughts and try to harm her. She was mine and I felt that deep in my bones, there was no question about that but thinking of myself as a mummy still was not tangible to me.

I’m not sure when it actually happened, me thinking of myself as a mummy not just as her mother, it was somewhere between her 18th month and her second birthday (I think). Please don’t ask me to explain what that feels like as I don’t think I could express it in words in type or verbally for that matter. All I know is that I am a mummy and thoroughly enjoy being one.

Now that I have two girls my ‘mummydom’ seems concrete in the eyes of the world and certainly in the eyes of my children but there are still times when I catch myself looking at them playing together and wonder how did I get here and when did this destiny truly became mine?

HOW DID I BECOME A MUMMY????

I Love Being A Woman

First of all:

I love being me, Yeah!! I love being a woman and all that it entails. I always knew I would be a wife and a mother one day but I didn't realise how much I would love being a mother. From the uncharted waters of my first pregnancy to its primal and mind blowing birth I love it, the sleep deprived months that follow to the toddler tantrums I love it. Its not easy god forbid, I think if it was easy it wouldn’t be as special. Its as we were told when we were growing up - you’ll always appreciate the things you work hard to achieve and I know I certainly enjoy working hard to be a good mother to my girls.

Yeah!!! And I love being a mother to girls; I enjoy being with them and connecting with them on a female level, I look forward to introducing them to the world of ‘womendom’ and all it entails; the mysteries of the female body is a joy to behold and I want them to develop a healthy attitude to this and to not look upon their body and the way it works as a failing or as a thing to be derided.

I grew up with very strong women around me their discipline was absolute but fair. They each exuded the persona of a superwoman and I believed there was nothing they could not do. There are four that stand out in particular (though there were many more).

• 1st There was my own mother - survivor of a failed marriage and single breadwinner to her two daughters, she never acted as though it was hard although as a child I could tell at times that it was but I cannot ever remember her complaining or casting blame about her situation she just did what needed to be done and a damn find job she did as well.

• 2nd & 3rd Were two of my aunts both taught me to comfortable in my own skin long before I was aware that I was learning that lesson. Both completely different in body structure but both due to their actions imparted that lesson in ‘plain clear english’.
• 4th This aunt showed me to have faith in a happy marriage and in the blessings of a good husband. She was strong and didn’t appear to need a husbands’ support and or money but through her apparent comfortableness within her marriage I knew that it was what I wanted for myself though I was now the product of a broken home.
  

I know I haven’t actually gone into exact detail of how these four women’s lives influenced my own life but I am grateful for the lessons they taught me, even when I didn’t know I was being taught.

I ask God for his guidance and grace in this task of raising strong comfortably self-aware women. I do not want to have to do this by myself so also ask for blessing on my marriage and to be surrounded by strong women that would impart their inane wisdom of strong self-worth onto my two beautiful daughters.