29th Birthday

Morning

Hi, its my birth day tody. Cool. So whats the plan for the evening. No plans. I am going through the usual feel-low-on-birthday syndrome. Birthday is always a day which makes me feel low. It reminds me of all the things I wanted to achieve by this date but failed…of all those people who have forgot me, those who don’t keep in touch anymore, of all the friends who are there but don’t care to arrange a party for me, of people whose birthday I remember but who forgot to even wish me, of my singlehood…birthday is basically a day of bad remembrance.

Ideally friend's should be celebrating the fact that I was born, rather than I myself arrange a party call everybody and tell them hey guess what? I was born let's celebrate. And my friends, forget about celebration they won't even get a gift for me if I don't throw a party. And I am not throwing a party for such friends any more. Not all of them though, I'd say Snigdha and kreeti are exceptions.

Sis didn't wish. Asked Dino out yesterday and he turned me down. Haven't wished me yet. Me going out alone somewhere now...would come back and frown more about my syndrome
----------------------------------------
One memorable birthday

There was this time when I had a huge crush on this guy Sujit. I thought it was love back then, though now when I look back, I don’t think it was. Anyway, so he didn’t wish me all through the day. I was sad. Do I not deserve this much? I asked myself in the evening. Just when my eyes were about to be wet the landline rang and I picked up the phone. It was him on the line asking for the location of my house. He was there for me with a surprise visit and a nice gift. I was overwhelmed. “I love surprises” I had told him earlier. I wanted to run and hug him when I opened the door. Madhu and her then boyfriend (now husband) came over too. We had a small party.

Sujit got married lives at a distance of 15 min from my place. Haven’t seen him for more than 4 years now. I remember his birthday every year. Wonder if he remembers mine.
-----------------------
Midnight

Didn't move an inch from home all day. Was thinking of going out somewhere but felt unenthusiastic. Didn't meet anybody. All day spent in front of this stupid computer. No gift, no cards from nowhere, not even a cake. Was expecting a gift from sis. The least that she could do was say sorry that she didn't get any gift. Instead, what I got from her was her fundas (read shitty crap) on how gifts mean nothing, are actually for teenagers, am no longer in a age to expect gifts on birthday, "Just cause its your birthday doesn't mean I have to get a gift for you."

I recalled all those times gone by, each year I would think of a new surprise, would plan a month ahead and put all my energy time and resource to make her feel special. She was a kid then. Now she has grown up. Have her set of believes and understanding. Doesn't matter if I expect her to get me a gift, if she thinks its immature so it is. On her 16th birthday I made 16 colorful cards and hid them in 16 places in the house. Her and her friend's job was to find out all the cards each had a new message. The entire baccha party was so busy doing that and it was so much fun.

Another time most probably her 13th birthday, she was wanting to buy a music album of then popular band 'Aqua'. For months I kept telling her no they don't make good music, no point buying their album. She gave up hope of ever having that album. On the special day before she could even wake up I played the album at full blast. She went crazy with joy as she woke up to the tunes of 'Be Happy'. There was so much of love and emotion in the air. With time she has become mature and reserved. I can't see her emotions anymore and I am always wondering "are there any?"

One thing led to another and I had to cry. I only cry when I have a fight at home. The only people who can get tears to my eyes are my family for the simple reason that they are the only ones from whom I have some expectations. Let a 100 people forget my birthday I won't be as hurt as when 100s of them rembers but just one person from family forgets it.

That's how relationships are. Painful and complicated. You get hurt because you have expectations. But if you don't have expectations what good is that relationship.

Dino called at the end of the day. Knew he would. Sumit called from Bombay made me really really happy. Vipul and Gundeep called. Manoj smsd. Amit looking at my plight in the morning offered to take me out for a dinner. I, acting like a real jerk made him go around in stupid circle and then decided on a time and venue, only to cancell it at the nick of time. But whatever his sincere efforts to cheer me up made me really happy. Spoke to him for the first time. That guy talks so fast in so many languages. Shashant and Sri forgot. I smsd shashant and called sri. TF called in the evening to re confirm the venue for the xth DBM. She didn't know it was my birthday. Seema has been upset with me for a long time. She called too. Sid and Me sat online and told each other bout our special day. It was his birthday too. One sweet surprise call from Priya

Couldn't help thinking about MJ particularly towards the evening. Wish time had stopped back then on 23rd January 2004, few minuites past midnight, Durg.

That's how it was...my 29th birthday. Shit another year spent in vain.
------------------------------------------
Addendum

Ok this is real bad...Riddhi especially came online to wish me at sharp 12, she also sent me an e-card and yet her name is in not in the list of those who wished...even more bad.. she left a comment reminding me about that fact to which I said "I would put an addendum"...I didn't do that...Now what's worse is, she still loves me...Its exactly this kinda unconditional love that one should be careful of...you always end up hurting these people the most...While you were sulking about having no one to care for you...some one was there standing with a smile giving her/his every thing and you didn't even notice...

Thanks Riddhi...love you too girl...

We are celebrating the 2nd Anniversary of Delhi Blogger's Meet on Sunday 29th of January @ Cafe Coffe Day, CP from 4 pm onwards.

We would be discussing the following

1. Blogging viz. Creative Writin
2. Blogging viz. Mainstream Media
3. Blogging viz. Adverstising Tool

If you are a delhi wala who blogs and you want to contribute on any of the above topics we would love to hear from you. All are invited.

For any weird, stupid or silly question that might arise at your mind regarding this meet contact Me at the comments section or write to me personally at samyukta_basu[at]yahoo[dot]com. Am also available on Yahoo IM (samyukta_basu) and G Talk (samyukta.basu)

So see you there on sunday...

Tried my hand at absurd poetry as a writing exercise on Caferati...

Absurd?
Yeah absurd
Oh ok I thought absurd
you're so weird
weird isn’t absurd
Like I care
Care is absurd
Here, your paper
Yes that’s absurd
Pepper isn’t absurd
Paper is absurd
Knees hurt
Pain absurd
Getting cold
Axe is here
Hear something
Shrieks absurd
Power gone
You where?
At absurdicity my dear.

In life it is so very rare that you meet someone that you truely like and that someone also happens to like you...to find is difficult to keep is an effort...a lot of care and concern ...it is just that much and we fail to achieve...

That smile, that look, that thing...its very delicate, very fragile, if you find it carry it with caution, handle it with care...

I wanted to say those above lines to someone. Composed a mail 5 times with those lines but couldn't send...What's the point in saying. If he wants to loose me so let it be...It's not that I didn't make efforts to tell him. He knows I like him. He liked me too...wonder where in the line does the things get screwed. I have absolutely no idea what happened to us. Why did we just drift away. I don't know if he wants to see me again, is he ever gonna call me again? What will happen if I bump into him someday at some common event? Will we talk? May be we won't. I have already known how it feels to pretend like you were absolute strangers. Some of the 'YOU' dies inside and you are only half alive then. If that happens again I would be full dead.

I should have written this post long time back... the very next day I wrote the previous post to be more precise. That's cause me and dad were back being the best of friends the very next day. We have these fights always and then we forget next minuite that's how it has always been. Though the legal intricacies about that flat is still not understood and sorted out, but as encounter specialist commented I have left things to him only to be prepared to handle things later, God forbid, if they go wrong.

USAID suddenly (to my knowledge) pulled out all the funds and the project I just joined 3 months back is being shut down. I was really exited bout this project. I would have done a great job, too bad I didn't even get a chance to perform and now All my bags are packed I'm ready to go...

At times I think I have screwed up my whole career and am a looser big time. In this profession (or all profession i geuss) we have a very single route to follow, a single pattern...if you deviate a little from that set pattern you can assume you are never getting back on track. 1-2 years of work as a junior, when you don't get paid anything, you do all the running around the Courts, the drafting, copying, filing...follow your senior with those huge files in your hand. Then, you ditch your senior one day (you obviously would, coz he never paid you and now you have learned all that you could from him) and move on to either join a law firm or join some Company as a law officer.

If you wanna be rich and busy litigation lawyer you have to give 3-4 more years in that same position of an underpaid junior associate...so that not only do you pick up the art of litigation from your senior but you also build a rapport with all those client's who are not really happy with the way your senior has been handling the matters and you also have convinced them that you can settle the matter in much lesser money and time. Having done so you moved on to have your independent practice, the list of your senior's unhappy clients being your inventory...

I have been continuesly falling off from this usual track. I was in practice, then I joined a social research project then back to corporate and now again research...

I realise the lawyer/liar business is not really from me and am also not made for the corporate ladder at the end of the day I want to be extensivly involved in Socio Legal activism and right now I think I should concentrate on gaining more and more research experience. I am thinking I should start independent practice with the woman cell and juvenile cell cases, do some freelance research and also get started the NGO with Khurram da and RK.

Tough year ahead...so much to do...need some money as well, got car loan to pay and also wanna move out. Movings out means an extra budget. How are things going to work out...??

I have begin to have a bad temper. Sis says I become devilish when I am angry, I don't throw things though but I yell. I have these difference of opinion with mom every now and then and I yell at her, I say bad things to her. She was saying if there aint any way to stop the fights then it would be wise to leave. I think so too... I wanna be alone. More and more alone. It seems I can't make no body happy. Sis was asking where from all these anger coming....where from I ask?? I think I should blame it on all the men around me. I gotta keep away from all men who don't fall in the category of father, brothers, cousins, uncles, grand pas and bosses. They all bother me. They create too much of heart ache and tension... I need peace.

I am once again convinced I am not gonna get into marriage. I am a terrible person I won't make a good wife or a mother. With me there my family will never have a peace of mind...No point getting into a mess deliberately. Why ruin someone's life, why bring a life and then ruin it...

I feel like writing a lot today but am sleepy now...my next post has to be about why am I so angry at all men (except those above catagories)

This is one of my post on the creativegarh community mailing list...The topic was about a defining moment in someone's life. An uncanny coincidence that makes a change for life...come to think of it now, I do have some such defining moments though the mail isn't exactly about that...Read on.

Hi

Not sure if I have any defining moment or not...Most probably I don't, but talking about paranormal I have had many incidents which has made me believe there's something spooky about me, like I have the power of making things happen. well Not exactly make happen whatever i want. Its like when I am deeply jealous (I am a jealous person) or when i am very angry that negetive energy within me does have some impact somwhere around me...

For eg..this one time i had a crush on this coleague of mine...we had a touring job and we used to travel in teams...Now before one such trip that he was about to go i was extremly jealous of this girl who was gonna be his tour partner...and i wanted to be there in her place. The night before the day he was about to leave, he met with an accident and he couldn't go. He wasn't badly hurt or anything but of course he coudn't travel for two consecutive trips. As a compensation he got a much longer trip and this time I accompanied him (our coordinator knew bout the crush :D) and yeah we had the time of our lives.

And that wasn't the only time. There was another time when I didn't want him to go...and our team coordinator had a sudden last minute change of mind and changed his travel plans

I have had many such coincidences. In School standard 4th, my class teacher made me stand outside the class the whole day, wasn't even allowed to have lunch...just coz I had forgot to get my class work copy....its been such a long time and I still feel that pain and agony...i stood silently all day while the world kept burning inside of me. After couple of days she took a long break from school. we didn't know why she wasn't coming. Later we heard she had lost one of her ailing parents (cant remember who).

I never wanted my sister to study in this particular college and her admission got screwed up inspite of having undergone the entire process properly...thereafter she got into JNU and now she thinks language is what she ever wanted to do and nothing could have been better than this.

There are more such things which I cannot publicly mention...

But I never wish or pray for anything to happen....don't believe God has any such scheme of granting or not granting people's prayers...

Another time it was when I had lost my grandpa, about two months later my Dad's uncle also passed away and about 15 days later this Uncle's daughter-in-law (My Aunt) too passed away. two-three days before her expiry I saw this dream, An UFO type flying vehichle taking off from our house's main gate two men and one woman onboard, smiling and waving at me. I could clearly identify one of the men as my Grandpa though I couldn't recall the faces of the other two people.

Not many people would believe....fact is I had second and third and fourth thoughts before writing this mail...but then there are really so many things one can't explain...

wow that's a long mail...gotta stop now..
take care everyone
C u around...

I wanna leave...I wanna leave...I wanna leave...I wanna leave...I wanna leave...I wanna leave...I wanna leave...I wanna leave...I wanna leave...I wanna leave...I wanna leave...I wanna leave...I wanna leave...I wanna leave...I wanna leave...

Take me away from here pleassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssse.

Sanjay today told me "you are a lawyer, how come you people are buying a flat in Khirki Extention". I wanted to bury myself in shame at that statement.

Dad would buy a flat in Khirki Extention. He would make the full and final payment and not want to see a single papers of the flat. And I can't ask why? Every time I say something there is a big drama in the house. This is going on for the past 4-5 months now. Even if I want, I can't keep my fucking mouth, which talks of the legal implications all the time, shut and his ego can't stand his daughter asking questions.

I am told to keep the hell out of the whole issue its none of my damn business.

More than half of the payment has already been made relying upon the builder's word. The other day the builder called up, "Arre aap paise leke kab aayenge hum ne to tenent rakh liya hai...saturday to shif kar jaayenge tenent" The builder would decide upon who is the tenent, how much rent would we get, when would the tenent shift. I can't talk about having a proper verification of the tenent being done. "How much security money are we getting?" The damn me asked. "There is no security money. That's how it works in khirki extention. The builder told me." is what dad answered me. I had an argument on this day before yesterday. "How can you not talk about security money. Everybody takes it." Dad got irritated and went to see the builder to call off the tenancy idea. Apparently the builder was pissed off at Dad's change of mind and said things like, "aap ne to humein be ijjat kar diya, aap hi ne to bolatha kiraya pe chadana hai, aap ka to koi baat ka kuch value hi nahi hai." Dad came back home fuming at me, I am responsible for all the bad things the builder told him. Such nice couple they were who wanted to take the flat on rent. Such nice and honest is the builder and dad had to let them down all because of my fucking mind which looks at innocent people with suspicion.

When I came back from work today I heard that tomorrow the full and final payment would be done. This bloody mouth had to speak out "have you seen the title deeds?" what about the papers?" "Papers are only given once the payment is done" came the answer. "How many houses have you bought and sold dad?" I was calm. "Shut up. Like you know a hell lot of it." yelled dad.

Earlier, I had once said just as a passing thought, I can have a chamber in that flat. "You don't know anything, you are incapable of having a chamber."

I can't take the disrespect he shows to me. I wanna be out of this house. I wanna leave Delhi. I will go to bombay and do mazdoori, i would break patthar, I would beg. I am leaving delhi whether or not I get a job in Bombay.
______________

Damn I can't leave right away....My friend needs me desparately...