mcjm
12 07 1989
18
tpjc
hscs
Cauterize.

Aiysha
David
Elaine
Esther
Huda
Hui Jun
Hui Mian
Josco
Melvin
Rachel Tan
Rhyss
Shu Qi
Valerie
Warren
Yi Wei
Yong Quan
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010

=) never doubt your ability to change the way i feel.

I sincerely felt a sense of euphoria when you were right there speaking to me.

But all this feeling fades away and is replaced with a void each time you're no longer there.

I don't know how i should feel,
When this uncertainty always sets in.

signed off, 2:08:00 AM

I thought about you again today.

Why is it that after so long, these feelings are somehow still laying dormant inside?
It seems like it's only waiting for the day when I can finally show you how I feel.
Or maybe all of that is just in the past.
Somehow I know, my feelings are just so strong that I can't seem to ever forget it.

Thinking about you always brings that sense of warmth,
and sieveing through my thoughts, that sense of pain would also always seem to tag along.

You were always just there right in front of me,
but somehow I'm always never able to reach you.

Someday when we all grey and old,
I'd really like to ask you the thoughts that were going through your head during all these years that have come to pass.


and somehow when I think of you, I'd always secretly wish that it would be me who'd be by your side when your back aches so much that you can't get the papers.

thinking about all those times you left me in the dark makes aching feeling hard to fade away.

signed off, 12:23:00 AM

it's 3.30am now
and i'm so tired that i can't even sleep.

it's these late nights that make me thing of the things that truly matter to me,
and all those precious opportunities that i let slip away.

you didn't reply, and it made me wonder,
of what i must mean to you as a person.

you've changed.
slowly, but surely,
you have.

i guess it's all part of the process of finding our own identities that we lose who we truly were back before we even started on this search.

it's going to be the 26th of december soon enough.
and i'm not even sure if i should pose the question.

because i don't even know if it's still bears any significance,
or i'm so emotionally confused right now that i'd just wish that life was just that simple.

but it isn't.
so here i'll be,
always wondering,
and always left here waiting for an answer.

what is it that you are looking for?

tonight i suddenly was reminded of the movie - the leap years.
the movie held so much meaning to me.
because somehow i could really relate to it.
and i shared it with you because i really didn't know what else i could do.
i guess i just wanted someone else to know the turmoil that is going on inside of me.

this quote from the movie came to mind:
if you are not too long, i will wait here for you all my life. - Oscar Wilde

signed off, 3:28:00 AM

Change can be so terrifying.
And yet, it's so necessary.
And perhaps that is what scares me even more.

I've been so afraid of change since I was Primary 6
because I saw the people around me all turning into characters that I don't even know anymore.
And that's probably why I've mostly tried to remain the same until now.
Still that same, happy-go-lucky person that I've tried to be.

Anyhoo, I really have to find the motivation/determination to do the necessary; all the things that would bring me to achieving my goal one day.

I've been asking my friends recently whether between being contented or successful, which one is more important to them.
And naturally, the answer is contention.

Maybe I'm too ambitious.
But I just feel this desire to want to be somebody one day.
I want everyone to recognise me for who I am.

But I'm so easily distracted.
And I always lose sight of my goal.

Maybe it's because I've lost my priorities.
Or maybe it's simply because I've forgotten what it feels like to have something important to fight for.

signed off, 7:48:00 PM

i'm lying on my bed in camp right now, and i just can't get to sleep; thinking about everything that could have been between us.

I was watching 'he's just not that into you' last night, and watching shows that discuss about matters of the heart always make me think of you and me.

I don't know.
Maybe i've tried so hard to make it seem like a fairytale fantasy to you, and trying to live the dream for me that it just might never become real anymore.

I really miss you. But you just might never know it.
All i ask right now, is to be there by your side, and to see how your smile lights up my world.

Tomorrow's another day in school for you. And right here, there's always someone thinking of you. Goodnight sunshine.

signed off, 10:45:00 PM

I'm feeling the same emotions again; trapped in this emotional cycle for countless times.

Can I break free?

Do I even want to break free?

Sometimes I really think I'm going crazy.

How can I want to do something so much, and yet not be able to do it at all?

But of that aside, I know deep down that I still foolishly hope.
But what exactly am I hoping for, I don't know anymore.

Today's Valentine's day.
The supposed day whereby couples will renew their commitments, gain new strength in their relationships.

But for me, today's just another day.
Try as I may to make it memorable for that special someone, I know things will never change.

But at least I know I tried, huh.
What lame excuses for myself to mask my own weaknesses.

But honestly, what was I thinking?
She already made her intentions obvious by her inaction.
And yet, I try.

She must have her reasons.
But chief of them, I guess it's because of him.
I was foolish enough to actually ask her even though I know they are together.

Maybe I should just stop doing everything, or anything at all.
Just lay stagnant, and follow the slow currents of life, wherever it may take me.

The regimentation of NS life is already enough to take my mind off most matters.
I should just quit resisting and simply, fade away.

signed off, 1:58:00 AM

It's my second bookout day today.. and tomorrow, I'll already have to book in.

Time seems to become less and less each day in the army.
I can't even remember the last time I did anything at all outside of the army.

And by far, the last 2 weeks inside were one of the toughest 2 weeks of my life yet.

I was basically in the jungle 8 days out of the 11 that we were in camp, and most of us were close to breaking point.

We had to march with our fieldpacks, and we had to sleep on top of soil, rocks and what not, and even when consuming our meals, we didn't even have the proper sanitation facilities that we could use before we ate our food.

But what occurred to me was that I was pretty much thinking of the same thing each time I needed to get my mind off the whole regime to break the monotony of things.

There would be this one girl that I'll be thinking of, especially during those 2 mornings of my situational test route marches.

And the same song that I sang to her on her birthday last year would always echo in my mind.

I hope she still remembers.

The song.
The emotions.
And everything it stood for.

signed off, 2:29:00 AM