mcjm
12 07 1989
18
tpjc
hscs
Cauterize.

Aiysha
David
Elaine
Esther
Huda
Hui Jun
Hui Mian
Josco
Melvin
Rachel Tan
Rhyss
Shu Qi
Valerie
Warren
Yi Wei
Yong Quan
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010

I'm wasting away
but I guess you can't see it.

Can you be here for me and be my inspiration and motivation?
Please?
Because I thought you said you'd be here for me.

I saw you today in school again.
I was in the science lab, listening to Mrs Gay's briefing for the Tampines river thingy tomorrow.
And then you were walking past the doorway, and you looked through the doorway.
And our eyes met.
But I was too stunned to see you that I couldn't even manage a smile.
And you walked away.

I don't know why, but right at that moment, I held my head up to look at the door, and there you were, with your head turned and looking straight back at me.

I'll be leaving school soon. And I won't know when I can see you again after that.

There are just so many things that I don't know.

signed off, 5:52:00 PM

I dreamt of you last night again.
It was all so fuzzy,
but all I could remember was just sitting down and talking to you
and smiling like the dumb fool I am.

I'm falling really sick - I've been coughing my lungs out the past 2 days.

I saw you in school today. And I don't know why, but I avoided you.
Perhaps I just wanted to avoid the situation of an awkward 'hi',
when I know we both actually deserve so much more than that.

I'm not avoiding meetings with you because of any other reason but this.

But we don't talk anymore, so how would you know?

goodnight.

signed off, 10:59:00 PM

All this time all I've been doing
is to look for the key to unlocking your heart.

But you threw the key so far away that I couldn't find it.
And I think I'm losing the strength to go on searching for the key.

I'll still be here for you
And I guess that's the one thing that will never change.
but maybe one day,
maybe,
you'd find the key to your heart
and give it to someone you'd truly treasure.

For now, I should stop trying so hard.
Until I can sort my own mess out.
Of who I really am inside
who I really am to you
And what it is that I'm truly searching for.

But know this.

You'll always have a special place in my heart.

Smile.
I wanted to type 'Smile, sunshine.'
but then I realised that maybe sunshine isn't a word I can use anymore.

signed off, 9:33:00 PM

1111.

Even if there isn't a time you've crossed my mind everyday,

my phone will still remind me.

Each time I hear the reminder.
I don't know if I should be reminded of all the brief happy moments that we shared
Or of the long periods of stupidity when I feel I'm just lying to myself.

There must be at least 1111 reasons for me to remind myself
how stupid I am
everyday.

signed off, 11:18:00 PM

I don't know.

Maybe you're too used to being chased and made happy all these years that you just don't feel like settling down anymore.

Haha.
You always ask if I want the tickets back,
and I always ask if you can go.
Like a fool I'd always ask.

Maybe we're so used to this feeling of a tug of war
that it's become a habit.


Do you know?
I really have no control over what I do anymore.

It's ok.
I'm too tired.
Just let me sit here and drift away.

signed off, 10:50:00 PM

I'm so sick and tired of myself.

Of how stupid I am.
And how tiring I have made my life become.

signed off, 11:59:00 PM

I didn't want to believe that it's true.
But I can't fight it anymore.

signed off, 1:19:00 AM

I really understand now.
Even after trying so hard, for so long.
I'm still that unimportant in your life.

I won't try anymore to be someone in your life.
Maybe it's because you didn't want to care.
And perhaps it's because I've tried too hard from the start.

signed off, 11:17:00 PM

Why did I still dare to hope when I know that nothing's changed.
I'm such a fool.

Always just hoping.
What is it that I'm looking for exactly?
I'm just running so hard at an end that I can't even see.

It won't be reciprocrated. Not now, and not ever.
That much is clear enough now.
Perhaps it's time for me to spend more effort to reciprocrate what other's have done;
instead of spending all my time to chase my own wishful thinking.

Happy birthday to me, Beatrice, Kar Wee, Steffi, and Jimmy.

Happy birthday.

Smile for today, fat boy.

signed off, 3:39:00 PM

Happy birthday to me.

This year's just like the others.

signed off, 1:40:00 AM

Five more days to the open house at tpjc.
and that's five more days to my birthday.

Hah. To think I'll still be in school on my weekend birthday.

But it'll just be another day.

I've been mulling over it these last few days whether true, and lasting joy does exist.

And I'll finally have to agree with those who have always thought it doesn't.

How can it? When the days ahead seem so gloomy and hopeless.

Maybe if there is indeed a sense of direction, then things will probably change for the better.

But it's always these hopes and wishes.

I'm too tired to go it alone.
After 8/8/08,
9/9/09 will come soon enough.
And if there's still nothing to make us stay,
then there'll be nothing left after that day.

signed off, 11:41:00 PM