ATTENTION: the Center for Disease Control has issued this alert.
A new malady is sweeping the nation, aptly name “Bobbleheaditis.”
Dr. Hans Doofenschmirtz of the CDC announced today, “Those suffering from Bobbleheaditis begin bobbing their heads up and down uncontrollably. We’ve had scores of victims seeking treatment for acute neck pains...We’ve never seen anything like this.”
The disease is spreading strangely. Instead of the cases fanning out like ripples on a pond, Bobbleheaditis is moving in a linear manner; The first cases were reported in Wyoming and they’ve been steadily striking eastward since the end of May. The unusual spread of the disease has a been a critical component in identifying the source of the contagion. Doofenschmirtz proudly exclaims, “Our best scientists have cracked the code on this virus! We believe the disease is being spread by ONE family. They are the single source of this outbreak.”
Apparently this family has so many children that when they pass people on the streets, observers feel compelled to count the children as they swarm the area. Bobbleheaditis or “Bobbleheading” can be severe depending on the activity of the children. Doofenschmirtz explains, “If the children are moving in a circular motion or are extremely active during the sighting, then the infected victims can’t get an accurate count. The poor bobbleheaders are forced to start counting the kids all over again along with the dangerous bobbing motion.”
Doofenschmirtz continues, “Some bobbleheaders have symptoms akin to whiplash, particularly if the child known as Gabe is experiencing a surge of energy. We pinpointed the location of the infecting family in Boston, but there are now reports that they’re moving up and down the Atlantic Coast. Reports of their whereabout are encouraged and there is talk of issuing a reward.”
Along with news of the outbreak comes hope for a surprisingly simple cure. Shop clerks who claim to have met the family insist they’ve discovered the antidote. Louis Anderson, cashier at the Salem Witch Museum told us, “I started to feel the effects of bobbleheaditis when the idea came to me to just ask the Mom how many children she had.” Reports of the number of children have been estimated as high as 13, however this number is now attributed to the “Gabe Factor.” Perkins went on to say, “The mother told me there were SIX kids, and as soon as she said that, all my bobblehead urges stopped entirely!”
Susan Perkins, a cashier in Sandwich Glass Factory, confirmed that number. “When the mother told me there were six kids, I felt much better.” said Perkins, “I blurted out, “BLESS YOU!” and made the sign of the cross.” The large number of children may create additional side effects. “Most of my discomfort wasn’t from bobbleheading,” expounds Perkins, “but from the stress of watching all those children circle our glass artworks. Some of our piece are valued at thousands of dollars, and I couldn’t help but worry that something might get broken. However, I have to say that the kids were really well behaved so I gave each of them a bag a marbles.... They really were a nice family.”
Whether they are a ‘nice family’ or not is immaterial to the CDC. All citizens are advised to use caution when out on the streets. This disease is unusual because it cannot be prevented by the use of a medical mask that covers the nose and mouth, however concerned citizen who have attempted to navigate city streets while using a blindfold have met with disastrous consequences. Doctors at Boston Hospital said, “Do NOT try the blindfold method. It’s just too dangerous!”
Warning signs that this family is in your area included the following:
- Gasping
- Gaspers rolling their eyes
- Mixed outcries such as...
- “Man, you guys got a LOTTA kids!” (street vendor)
- “Aaah!!! Good luck with that!” (train passenger)
- “@#$ lady, you got too many %$#@ kids!” (nasty security guard)
- “Holy smokes! That’s a big family” (train conductor)
- “Oh, I love your big, beautiful family” (woman on the street)
- Staring... lots and lots of staring!
If you see a large family along the East Coast, and begin to feel a bobblehead motion ensue, please AVERT your eyes and leave the area in a quick but orderly fashion. “By all means STOP STARING!" said Doofenschmirtz, "There is no need for any further victims of this disease... and we’re running out of neck braces.”
Pictures of the afflicting family will be posted soon along with the locations of their latest sightings, but “PLEASE,” says the CDC, “look with caution!”
