My Job and I are One - Happy 1st Month Nelly

I don't separate my life from my job because my job is part of life itself.

We document life as photojournalists and i'm a sentimental person.

So they both go hand in hand.

Photojournalism is experiencing life and life to me is nothing but experience.

Therefore, I guess it would be only natural to flood my hard disk space with photos of my children especially with this newborn if not once, but a couple of times a day.

So amidst my pain and while I wasn't sick or bleeding in the chest from all that breast feeding, and in my zombie state of mind, I managed to steal a couple of good moments of my daughter Nataley; during her first week of life.

I should have spent this time sleeping but when you miss this moment, you'll never get it back.

Something I have been planning to do before I was pregnant.

I'm a mother, a photographer, so why not marry those experiences to gain even more?

So to celebrate Nelly's (nickname for Nataley - in cause some of you are wondering why I seem to have 2 daughters). Here are some pictures of her in a more favourable state... the sleepy state where I can just be zen.

Hopefully I can put this to good use and earn some diaper money in the future. Otherwise it was fun.

I wished I could have done more but I was in too lousy a state.. I had so many more ideas but I guess that's one of the most difficult shoots I have faced. To be shooting when I was dealing with a wound below, on top and well... oh well. Thank God it wasn't an assignment.

Enjoy.

Happy first month Nelly.

Nate Turns 5 Today

I have been so blessed to have such a wonderful little boy as my son.

He's loving, kind, sensitive, intuitive, soft-hearted, big-hearted and fun-loving.

God Bless you Nate... you've grown so much and I hope your sister will grow up to be exactly like you. (:

About the First Child

Many people have been asking me how Nate's been doing.

The truth is, he's perfect!

Nate has been nothing less than loving and caring and like a helpful little gnome at home.

He loves Nelly so much he can't stop kissing her, and he drowns her in his onion breadth after lunch everyday before heading off to kindy.

He watches her all the time, laughing at her movements and facial expressions.

Best part is, he is totally understanding towards why i'm always sleeping or lying down or busy expressing milk.

I think the thing is, I keep him informed.

I explain to him that i'm busy carrying mei mei because she, unlike him, cannot walk. So she needs a bit of help.

He says that one day when she grows up, she may have muscles like him.. and then goes on to admire his muscles in the mirror.

And another thing is he takes everything with humour.

He laughs at me and says that i'm a cow. I threaten to then squirt him with milk.

So ... well, apart from a little bit of sensitivity from him sometimes, he's alright. No jealousy, no animosity or hate.

In fact, sometimes, he seems to be doing so well, I'm a bit worried if its normal.

Maybe we prepared him well too..

He would talk to my belly all the time and kiss it.

Now he just laughs and says.. "hey mommy you're not so fat now"

Argh he's so awesome.

I'm Not Kidding

This needle went into my boob and drew out that amount of pus. You still think boobs are sexy?

Neither am I complaining.

I just can't get used to it - even though I believe this has happened to me once. 5 years ago, so now I understand why they say Pains fade with Time.

This time however, it was prolly 10 times worse.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not whining about it but i'm just penning down my experiences just so I can get it out of my head.

I've also sadly come to a point where i'm shock-proof. Every time something hits me, i'm like "Ok bring it on, let's just get over with it now. Cry cry cry also still have to suffer..."

So here we go.

I think the bulk of my post pregnancy blues or depression was due to my overflowing supply of milk.

Most people have their milk supply come in a few days after delivery. Mine comes in IMMEDIATELY.

And when it does, everything gets engorged. I can't sleep for long cause it starts to hurt. Your boobies get hardened and the nipple area is swollen. Everything is hyper sensitive.

Your shirt is always wet because you leak, you suffer from cracked nipples and when you put on your bra, you kinda dread the fact that the healing skin will stick to the fabric and if you don't there's no support.

Let me tell you another secret. The thing that's left out of glamourous articles on breast feeding. There's this term called the Let Down.

When milk starts coming in from your system, you feel like needles are piercing your veins. I kid you not.

Mine felt like that all the time. And I felt like I was constantly going through an electric shock.

This left me in tears. I was stuck in a horrible place where I wasn't able to use a pump to express the milk because it would over stimulate the flow. (It's all a supply and demand thing). And if I didn't hand express it out, it would be engorged. It's a fine balance almost impossible to achieve.

I was constantly consoled and told that after a week or two, it just gets better because your hormones withdraw, you don't walk around with heavy huge oversized breasts, the flow balances itself out and suddenly all the elements will click.

I had many days of tears where I would just sob myself to sleep. I had days where I would turn weak in the knees when I saw fresh blood staining the whole of my right breast because the nipple was bleeding. It was scary shit.

I just couldn't move or do it. I found myself sobbing and apologizing of course, for sobbing in front of my gynae who suggested I take Furosemide, a Diuretic pill to cut my flow of water.

Can you imagine that? I had to cut my supply medically when people are trying to increase their milk supply. I felt so bad but it was necessary.

I was also ready to give up. I have 2 Dostinex pills which cuts the supply altogether. I've hid them cause i'm not a quitter. But i detest not quitting.

As other post natal moms were getting better, I felt myself falling off the charts. I was feeling weaker and worse by the week. I was sleep deprived and just hanging on by the thread, one day, I started shivering.

This didn't make sense to me because I was actually starting to feel a little more in sync and things were starting to form a routine.

The milk supply had become steadier and I was able to empty the breast at 3hr intervals without leaking down my shirt or all over the house.

I realised I had the chills and fever. This I had with Nate 5 years ago. I just took a panadol, saw the doctor the next day for medication and antibiotics because I suspected it was mastitis.

On a side note, by the second week, I have about 60bags of frozen breast milk of about 120ml each at least.

She made me, however, run to the lactation consultant for a check.

It was there that the consultant spotted a very hard and huge lump at the bottom of the left breast

Alarm bells went off. She rushed me to the breast surgeon because she said it was prolly an abscess - a milk duct that was filled with pus and infected.

That explained the fever and the chills and body aches.

When you have to take care of your baby with these problems it's close to impossible because you can hardly stand up straight yourself. I was feeling awful. I had Nate to love as well. I was NOT enjoying one bit of my new baby. I was sad. Depressed. I hated it. Every waking moment was spent tending to the breast.

I never suspected that abscess because I was in too much pain overall to realize any more new pains.

Plus, I am able to empty the boob all the time so there was no reason for any stuck ducts.

So over at the surgeon, he did an ultra sound and found that there was indeed an abscess and told me he needed to extract it!!! With a needle!!! OH GOD HELP ME.

I tried bargaining to get some pain relief but there was no such thing. I just had to suck it up. At this point I was more worried that no one was home to send nate for his end of year concert and I just needed to get it over and done with.

I guess when you are a mother of 2, there's really really less time for yourself no matter what shitty situation you're in.

I maanged to buy some time to make phone calls to arrange for my brother to send nate to the concert while I get my pus extracted and then I would drive myself over and join the party.

Because life goes on doesn't it?

So yes the pus was extracted and i'm just waiting for the next thing to happen to me.

I dodged the bullet or shall I say needle yesterday at the follow up check up as less pus had formed and the meds were working so he's extended my anti-biotics intake for a few more days just to make sure.

I don't think I would have done very well with another needle.

I've already got the chills, the fever, the mastitis, the abscess, and oh I forgot to mention now diarrhea from the anti-biotics.

Awesome right?

Whatever you're doing right now, you win. I'm about to stare down at my chest as I express my milk once again.

I've said this before.

All the time I spend expressing milk and tending to my breast, I could learn like a new language.

Real Life

Sorry.. Both Parents Are Photojounalists So Pictures May Be A Little Raw For Some But This Is Life - Literally.

So Now I Know

The tacky peach color hasn't changed since 5 years ago - and that silly lamp!

My contractions going off the charts

At this point I was wondering if they would allow CNN to run in the background

Remember a post before this, I talked about my ding-donging decision making process to induce or not to induce because of my poor physical state? Yes so I did. But i'm never doing it again unless I really really have too for the next kid. Yes I would like at least 3 but I need to recover from this for at least 2-3 years... God willing.

After discussions with my doc, she said that if the cervix was dilated, we could prolly go ahead with inducing labour.

That would involve sticking a pill into your cervix and let the hormones do their thing. But if the cervix isn't ripen, the pill would be ineffective. The thing about inducing labour is that once you start the process, there's no turning back.

You are allowed a maximum of 2 pills and if nothing happens, you need to proceed for an emergency C-section to deliver the baby.

You can't go home and wait for labour to start because there is NO telling how fast the rate of absorbtion is and if the uterus suddenly contracts, its harmful for the baby.

What I failed to realize or maybe I was too impatient to listen carefully and know that these contractions that come with the hormone inducing pills are fake. Which means they are WAAAAAAAAAAY more painful and acute than normal labour contraction pains.

This is different from oxytocin which is given to augment labour already underway. This doesn't increase the labour pain. It's a mild drug to just help speed up the process a little...

Slap me now right?!

Finally after 2 weeks of waiting, I was dilated about 1 cm and the cervix had softened and we decided to head in on a Tuesday night.

Funny cause on the way in a nurse asks me why i'm inducing and she had done it and it hurt so horrible. But she said that since I was opting for epidurial I would be fine.

Pill goes in and slowly the contractions come.. it's ok.. cramping but not that bad.. and i'm still at a centimeter and a half. I'm coping ok and trying to sleep but nothing happens really. Then about 2.5 hours later, I suddenly feel this sharp pains come in all of a sudden. No warning. Just suddenly and it becomes unbearable. I try to breathe it off and use my mind power, whatever I could think of. Nothing happens. It just gets worse.

At this point my whole body starts shaking madly from the pain and I loose control of my muscles. I managed to crawl into bed and curl up and tell my husband not to be offended because I know he wants to help me but at this moment, just don't touch me. Poor guy. I know I found energy to apologise to him for that.

"Give me the epidurial now."

Nurse comes in and checks me, at this point, I think i'm so far into labour because the pains were like NOTHING I have ever felt. At this point, I think to myself... dodging bullets in Thai Red Shirt protests were NOTHING compared to what I was feeling now. This is a thousand times scarier!! If a doctor offered to knock me out unconscious at this point I would gladly accept.

"What? i'm still only 1.5 cm??? No progress after all that pain?"

"Sorry but I can't give you the epidurial yet because its too early. You have to be firther dialted. You just have to bare with it a little!" These words were confusing and not very comforting but at the same time something I kind of needed to hear because it makes you stronger.

She did give me an injection in the thigh just to take the edge off.

It worked for like 10 minutes and I was told that if the pain gets unbearable again, call the nurse.

10 minutes later, I start to bleed heaps and the pain seems to get worse.

I pray non stop, I think of Jesus being sacrificed on the cross and being stoned and think that what i'm going through is nothing compared to Him but it worked for 2 minutes.

"Sorry nurse I really tried to bare with it but its just horrible.. kill me now please!"

She checked me again and said that the sudden pain increase is because the cervix had suddenly doubled its dilation - see what I mean by inducing and the absorbtion rate?! It's not natural.

"Ok we can give you the epidurial, let's call the doctor."

They tell me he will be here soon and I ask if he's in the building and they tell me NO but not too worry because he is very quick.

I dunno why but then I go on to ask "Really? What car does he drive?!"

Anyway so long story short, he comes, gives me the epidurial and 20 minutes later I was myself again. I could open my eyes for prolonged periods of time.

Epidurial is Happydurial.

A couple of hours later, my pretty dainty doctor comes in as my Happydurial wears out but I have a little more strength from being able to nap and 2 pushes later, Nataley (who was then nameless) was out.

I never ever felt love at first sight but that morning, I did.

All pains were quickly washed away and once again I got to look at placenta and all, feel the amniotic sac that baby had been living in and hug that baby girl.

Of course the love at first sight was again interrupted with the first thought upon seeing the goo on her, "Oh she's so ugly... but she's mine!!!" ... then the love at first sight began..

But ask me again if i am going to induce birth? I would rather not.... Its too painful to do it... for me at least.

Influx of posts and Images

Bare with me while I flood the social network with photos and notes about the little one but I can't help it. I'm gushing and totally in love right now.

3-Weeks Ago, A Nameless But Very Loved Little Girl Arrived

On November 19, 2011 at 0850hrs, this little dainty featured being came out of my body.

Til now, two babies later, I still can't believe that something so human and perfect can form within our bodies...

I guess that's why they call it the miracle of life. (: We didnt' have a name for the longest time. It was always meant to be Roxy or Joni or something rocker-like. But Nate insisted on calling her something starting with the letter "N". I told him the words "Naughty, Nutella and Nice" started with the letters "N".

Then it got narrowed down to "Natasha", "Sasha" or "Nataley".

So yes a week later, she started to look too much like Nate to be a Roxy or a Sasha and we ended up with a Nataley Tan.

So let me introduce you to Nataley Tan, Born on October 19, 2011, at 085ohrs at 37 weeks weighing 3115 grammes

This Is Me Preggy With A Red Nose And Proud Of It

And just like that, my 37 weeks of pregnancy came and went.

Funny how we can always look back at and event and say to ourselves “On hindsight, it wasn't all that bad now was it?”

I had blogged earlier about how having a second one is nothing like the first.

Indeed every pregnancy is different.

This time round, I had severe sciatica which is basically the compression of your major nerves cause deep pains and for my case, my muscles were later immobilized because they were overworked on top of trying to survive the nerve compressions. I pretty much wasn't able to move much after 7months.So this led me to a challenging last leap during the gestation period.

I had an option of inducing labour by the time I had hit week 37, where all the baby's vitals are developed and of course, barely able to walk or put on my underwear without falling over, I opted for it.

There were many days during the decision making process where I would go back and forth and back and forth on whether it was right to induce.

What if baby didn't wanna come out? What if it failed after two tries of inserting a pill to induce labour and I had to go for an emergency “C” section delivery?!

“… but Nate was born 37 weeks and he turned out fine... oh but this one is slightly bigger than Nate, and I don't wanna give birth to a HUGE baby. It's too terrifying... oh but what if i'm not ready to let go of my free and easy lifestyle _ whatever is left of it?..... Terence did remind me that I hardly had a life at that point with my paralysing pains anyway.”

So I induced. But more on that in the next note.

This time round, I had made it a point to enjoy and embrace the whole pregnancy experience.

Truth is, I was really young and unprepared for the first birth. No one around me had kids or was married. It was scary and I was too busy trying to be normal and lead a young and carefree lifestyle.

I don't regret Nate one bit. He is such a sweetheart and I love him to death but at that point in my life, I didn't see it that way. There were many struggles within myself where I was proud of where I was but at the same time I would feel sometimes that I was robbed of my freedom to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Now I don't even know what that word means. And it really doesn't matter.

Of course that's all different now. Everything was planned (and then unplanned due to work and then planned again, and then eventually accepted), I did enjoy all the little things that pregnancy brought...all that movement in the belly.. though I still think it's weird and can never get used to it. But mother nature can be such a bitch sometimes and throws curve balls at you. You think you've been through it all but man, this one was different, the pains, the aches, the hormones, my physical strength which was not as great as during my first pregnancy by the end of term. Even the shape of my stomach was different.

Maybe the first was just a way of preparing me for the second. And if I had gone through what I had to this time, the first time round, I think I would have been really put off.

Truth is, I was more fearful overall despite having gone through it before... because I knew more this time round. I was more worried, more paranoid, more cynical but at the same time more ready?! I even believed that I wouldn't be so lucky the second time round with the first baby being so perfect. Look at Nate. He's awesome. Sweet, gentle and kind. Strong and fun and my whole pregnancy #1 went on smoothly without a glitch. I was even playing scrabble in the delivery room while in labour!

This time round however, I was sobbing all night with fear the night before delivering. Preparing myself for something a little less wonderful... maybe it was the hormones, maybe it was the extra knowledge of what was to come. But thank God things went fine. And I still believe that God has blessed me.

Perhaps it wasn't mother nature. Perhaps it was His way of teaching me strength when I asked to be a stronger person. He threw me things that were very hard but not beyond my control so that I could find strength and get through it.

Perhaps it was His way of teaching me patience... because at the end of the day, through all my cursing and swearing, I knew deep inside, aside from all the fears that things were going to be ok and it would all pass. But man. Be careful what you ask for because when you ask for it, you're so gonna get it. I guess I never really enjoyed life on the straight path. I love adventure and curve balls so ..... yeah...