tired, ...

I think I have to start to learn how to disconnect from the problems that are not of mine.

It's rather painful having to carry it around and disliking those involved. I wish these people who change after what happened, and yet one can probably tell they probably have taken it and stored it up in the memory lane.


....


It's been a few months. And I'm still waiting.
At least there's some minor progress now. Better than what used to be bits and pieces which quickly fell apart.

....

It's been disappointing lately. People, things, maybe work.
My trip is not happening. Partly becos of being broke, partly cos going off meant loss of income, and mostly insecurity on my end.

I havent felt insecure for a long time since the breakup. I don't even know if I'm post pms or the burn thanks to the soldering iron is making me feeling all cranky.
I decided to drop the trip after thinking about it. There's isnt a plan or itinerary, and I'm suppose just to go down and play by ear? I don't think I can take that kind of stress for now.
Work's been like that. Play by ear, nothing concrete, a bunch of 'i think i know it all and the solution' and I probably easily end up in that bunch too.

There's just too much things on my mind now.
And school is all the way on top of the list. So near, and yet so far.

I wish, I really wish, I would have more encouragement now than ever. Than whines over work, than demoralising comments like 'thought you were thinking of the trip as a holiday' etcs.

why can I just have a group of people who are encouraging enough to believe in what more I can do? I've had it enough having to make the wrong choice to stay and see 4 years gone by wasted. While I do believe God is always behind every single thing and will restore the time lost when I'm faithful and on track with Him, I can't help but feel the pain of having to waste all those times believing in something which at the end caused me to be in this state now. And deem wrongful to blame the people/organizations involved.

If not for their immaturity, I probably wouldn't be in such a rut/mess.

Then again, no point brooding over that. Damage done, now its time to move on and find the way out.

It's so hard.
And yet the prideful roams the street with glory.

I need to let go, but it doesnt make much sense at times...


And I just want to KE EP LOO KING FO WARD!!! and upward too

=_-

I'm not quite sure who are my friends these days.

There are some whom I'm quite sure they are. And turns out later on that they come into my life and gone the next moment. With me left hanging in the air, still expecting things to happen.

There are those who I never expect or probably just mere aquintances. And yet, they seem to connect with you at a deeper level.

I think I need a lot more time to unlearn, dump the prior knowledges of whatever I had learned or picked up from that place. I'm no longer a teen and still stuck with issues only a te en has.
This is ridiculous.


On the other hand, I guess I wish I could be like them. Chummy and all in their cliques.
Never had that. Dont think I will.

Why didn't I leave earlier? It was already so obvious and yet I kept on thinking I have a purpose there.


I have updated a notion that I have of myself recently. I think I AM more gullible and take things too much at face value. I tend to prefer IDEAL world and take a longer time to adapt to the real world.

zzZzzz....