how many more times i want to get bitten arh...

1) Had some resolutions. God is good, and I feel as if a heavy burden in my heart has been put down...


2)
You don't need anyone else you selfish piece of crap. Of all people you had to learn from that XXXX. I thought I made sense to you, and now you're back to the same shape.

I don't need more damage to my life. You want things this way? You can have it. Don't come to me when you're bored. Whether or not you care as a friend, stay as friends - I don't want to give a damm care anymore. Because no matter how well I treat you - bias or not, you don't give a damm care and it passes through. You just disappear, then make lame excuses like tired, lazy etcs. You just want to enjoy what you couldn't enjoy, and all those things you said don't match up to your actions. And think that I need you. For the record, I don't.

Of all people you had to learn like him. Of all people. You make me want to detest you so much now. I'm already so numb to this now. I feel so stupid having to think I was close to you to be different.

Why am I so weak, so stupid, so fragile, so soft-hearted? Even if I was hard-hearted, you still wont give a damm care.

I don't deserve this kind of treatment.
Not only that, I don't need to stand this kind of shit.
I want my sanity back, with dignity as well.

my homework is so timely. The people around you affects you. The kind of influence...

Life is like a rollercoaster...

I've finally made a decision to move on. And I hope I can keep at it.

Maybe it was a comfort zone for me as well. To have him around in my life, beside me all the time. It wasn't so much that I'm used to having him in my life.

And things just happens. People grow, and grow out of their surroundings.
I think I did too.

I can't keep pouring my emotions and sustain myself doing it. It won't do both parties good by feeding the need. We would continue to be in that comfort zone, and never grow to who we could be.

... ...

I still feel some what responsible for what happened. I regret making some decisions and choices.

But I don't regret he came back into my life. We are just not ready yet...

Take a time to grief... and move on. 2007 didn't start the way I would have wanted it. At least its not too late to work it out. And time to pack up my feelings...

sigh.

Some thoughts... which I cant post elsewhere...

I found some answers from a conversation with a friend...

Is scripture interpretation subjective?
(quoting my friend:it's subjective only when we humans try to interpret it in our own ways. that's why u get alot of differing interpretations... but if u were to let the holy spirit enlighten you, and scripture to interpret scripture, there's only one conclusion.)

Hais. I think I kinda gave up trying to convince that person who always say its subjective with a limited world view.

It's scary. Tampering the Word to suit one's world view can in turn affect others.


God sees the heart. Yes. BUT - the choices we make also impact others. We are not alone in this whole deal...

PMS

Even in 2007, I'm having PMS. Still.

......


Feeling frustrated.

I'm tired of always being the one initiating.

And I hate what PMS does to me.

......


06 made me feel like the line has drawn between friends.

I'm feeling less secure about myself. Even less secure of those people I call friends.

It sucks totally.

What have I done wrong to deserve such treatment? Or am I just wallowing in self-pity?

Argh, screw it...

7 days into 07

Only 7 days into the new year, and I'm lamenting. After re-reading the post below, I can feel every inch of me right now is screaming me-centric now.
Gawh.

Suppose to be the original version from multiply.

Quite pleased with myself. Doesn't sound that angst to me.

.................................



I had a new pair of spectacles made around Oct. Instead of the usual dark blue, I chose the pair with copper/golden rim and orange/brown at the side which the optician had recommended.
A friend comment that it looks nice. And I told her that I wanted a more matured looking spectacles to look like I'm more credible.

No, the specs didn't work as I thought of.







Why is it that my comments or words were never taken seriously? For the last 20 years, I don't think anyone else other than my primary and secondary school teachers took me seriously.
It is as if I have less street credentials as I have no experience or training in certain field and thus people do not take my words with value.

Like how I tried to warn my ex-colleagues about the stuff in the company. And it all fell deaf ear - maybe because I was younger than them.
Or how about when I tried to warn some people about certain things? It's either I get rejected or it passes through their ears. Or about certain suggestions?


I maybe less than eloquent - be it in speech or words. I may not have grown up in an english speaking family. I can't write blog entries in a freaking chim way.
I may not be able to do a lot of other things.

I bother. Because that is not the way to be doing things. I've done that before, and I'm not proud of myself for the half-past-six job.

All I want to do is to do things the proper way. Build the right foundations and look further - not just the end results in front.


Call me insecure and all those stuff. It's not that I don't believe Christ is in me and let that shine.
Sometimes, just sometimes, even normal people can go off the road because they don't have people who recognise their strength, to encourage them in their weakness, to pull them and spur them along in this journey.


Everyone one has a self esteem and ego. So do I. And it freaking hurts when I cant get that same kind of equal treatment in the place where I am suppose to be part of something bigger.


.......

And I make the same mistakes too.

.......

I need to work on showing more grace and mercy? Hmm...

.......



Still having flu, and breaking into a throat infection only after 2 days of torture. it's painful that I only think a lot when I'm down with flu. It's the only time I rest and dig up the hidden stuff.

Job, career, life, friends, quarter life crisis are forming into mini vertigo. And I'm suck into them and spinning around.


.......

Found this while trying to spell check on google for "chose". Blogging at 4am makes it hard for me to remember even simple spelling.

http://www.hechosethenails.net/video/hechosethenails.mov
(nothing new btw, just that I havent saw this clip and read the book)

Some where midway, I saw this (point form my emphasis):

• Some accept the blood, but forget the water. They want to be saved, but don't want to be changed. Others accept the water, but forget the blood. They are busy for Christ, but never at peace in Christ.
• What about you? Do you lean one way or another? Do you feel so saved you never serve? You and I are here for a reason, to glorify God in our service.
  

Funny how one simple googling lead me to a simple comfort and reminder that I needed.

Best.

day 5

I feel down again.

And its only day 5 into the new year.

Maybe it's the weather. And I'm just down under the weather.

06 left a deep impression on me. Or rather, it has left a deeper wound in me.

I'm feeling lost as to what are my true abilities. I feel lost because I don't think anyone can understand where I am now.
Imagine all that you have hoped and tried to work for. And now, all you see is meaningless shambles.

.........

Why can't I accept things I cannot change?

.........

I know the ministry is this way, I know it suits certain people. Their cliques are so and so. Its their world.
I was never meant to me in that world, and yet I chose to be there.

And at the end, I feel abandoned.
It's my insecurities I have to deal with. Does that mean however, some other people can shun their responsibilities?

Why cant I fit into the cell? Why do I keep getting empty words from people - only to have people quote to me "oh dont depend on people - they are fallible. Only God is not".
It wasn't my fault in the first place.


Maybe it's time I write to them. Lest all is kept in my heart till it overflows and eats into me.

.........

I always tell people to pursuit their passions and dreams.

And yet, I lack the courage now to pursue my own dreams and passions.
I'm scared if I can't make it.
I'm tired- because there isn't people I can fall back to.
I wonder - when will I ever be appreciated and be part of something bigger.


I'm feeling lost. Very extremely lost.

.........

Low immune system doesn't help in this case....

2007

2007 is here finally.

I hope I can put behind 2006 and move on.

It's very hard to have witnessed so many things. People who I can't seem to help,and having to see the pain they go through - yet I have no words to comfort them.

Because I need the comfort myself too.

I lack the kind of grace to show others as well too. (at times).
New year resolution?

Other than looking for a new job, spending less and save more, doing the best I can in what I do - I need to toughen up and be less gullible.

I often take people's words at face value and either 1) think people honor their words as much as I do 2)

wow.