sigh

I really need to get over this. It's been four years, and I'm getting sick of this.

It has to end some where . And somehow...

I guess most of the rants will end up here.

Sometimes I wish someone can tell me what went wrong with me and Sonic edge.

Whenever I try to talk about this, it's always a closed door I get. While everyone else in that group is happily ever after with their gatherings and etcs, not many people are open to acknowledge the problems in the place. Not exactly agree to disagree - more like sweeping the dust under the carpet.

The most sore part I always felt was that I never felt accepted or given the opportunity to be accepted by people.
It's like the alike attract, leaving everyone else outside the group apart.


I kept staying back hoping things will change, hoping I will be part of something.
It was just plain wishful thinking all along.

I doesn't really matter now that I'm out of it all. I'm only sad knowing who are the people are genuine and who are the people who just pays you lip service and go on with their lives without you.



Sometimes I'm quite lost. I don't know whether if this is something I should resolve before I move on, or just move on all together because that thing isn't necessary to be resolved.

And it still feels like a burden. I don't know why....

It's been a long while since I'm getting so pissed off at work.

I don't like the bullcrap politics and what not. I don't like people playing games.


I'm just a temp for bloody crying out loud!!! I'm already working for peanuts and expected to deliver tonnes of bananas.

Somewhere along the line, something is not right at all.

Post pms? maybe

I've been thinking about stupid decisions and being naive for the last week.

It's a horrible feeling having to waste the last 4/5 years. Of course, God can redeem those lost years.

I can't help but feel upset. If I was less naive, more receptive towards advice, would I be happier?
If I didn't trust some people as much, would I be less disappointed?
Could I have felt more secure?

I don't get it at all. Back to the drawing board again. So some people categories you as "seasonal friends", having to be caught up with other people in the later part of their lives and conveniently chooses to not spend time with you - totally and eventually.
How nice. Add a touch of quotations to it too.

And there's people who just disappear and walk out.

Or combination of both of the above or more.

......

Telling a friend how I felt didn't help at all. Not talking to the same friend didn't help at all. Screaming at the friend that I care didn't help at all.

And so that friend disappears into her own world AGAIN and pops in now and then with some msn message and disappears again till whoknowswhen.

What the heck? Haven't I have enough pain for the longest time? Here I am trying to cope with uncertainty ahead, and assorted stuff and trying to stay afloat, I get people like this person doing this.

How am I suppose to react? I barely even know her nowadays. Oh heck... if any relationship works two ways, then I'm guess there's not even a one way now at all. I'm sick and tired of trying to fix things when there's nothing to fix and I end up looking like a dork who's whining at every single thing.

....

Speaking of relationships being two-way, I realize that once people leave a fellowship - its always that people NEVER touch base with them anymore and their lives carry on like nothing happen. Don't keep in touch, don't ask. Don't even bother to msn, email... whatever.

Nothing new really.

So just because the person who left is heading for another fellowship becomes another classic case of 'its all good, they are in good hands'.

damm. I'm whining again.

And I have to do this every 28 days ... great...

tired, ...

I think I have to start to learn how to disconnect from the problems that are not of mine.

It's rather painful having to carry it around and disliking those involved. I wish these people who change after what happened, and yet one can probably tell they probably have taken it and stored it up in the memory lane.


....


It's been a few months. And I'm still waiting.
At least there's some minor progress now. Better than what used to be bits and pieces which quickly fell apart.

....

It's been disappointing lately. People, things, maybe work.
My trip is not happening. Partly becos of being broke, partly cos going off meant loss of income, and mostly insecurity on my end.

I havent felt insecure for a long time since the breakup. I don't even know if I'm post pms or the burn thanks to the soldering iron is making me feeling all cranky.
I decided to drop the trip after thinking about it. There's isnt a plan or itinerary, and I'm suppose just to go down and play by ear? I don't think I can take that kind of stress for now.
Work's been like that. Play by ear, nothing concrete, a bunch of 'i think i know it all and the solution' and I probably easily end up in that bunch too.

There's just too much things on my mind now.
And school is all the way on top of the list. So near, and yet so far.

I wish, I really wish, I would have more encouragement now than ever. Than whines over work, than demoralising comments like 'thought you were thinking of the trip as a holiday' etcs.

why can I just have a group of people who are encouraging enough to believe in what more I can do? I've had it enough having to make the wrong choice to stay and see 4 years gone by wasted. While I do believe God is always behind every single thing and will restore the time lost when I'm faithful and on track with Him, I can't help but feel the pain of having to waste all those times believing in something which at the end caused me to be in this state now. And deem wrongful to blame the people/organizations involved.

If not for their immaturity, I probably wouldn't be in such a rut/mess.

Then again, no point brooding over that. Damage done, now its time to move on and find the way out.

It's so hard.
And yet the prideful roams the street with glory.

I need to let go, but it doesnt make much sense at times...


And I just want to KE EP LOO KING FO WARD!!! and upward too

=_-

I'm not quite sure who are my friends these days.

There are some whom I'm quite sure they are. And turns out later on that they come into my life and gone the next moment. With me left hanging in the air, still expecting things to happen.

There are those who I never expect or probably just mere aquintances. And yet, they seem to connect with you at a deeper level.

I think I need a lot more time to unlearn, dump the prior knowledges of whatever I had learned or picked up from that place. I'm no longer a teen and still stuck with issues only a te en has.
This is ridiculous.


On the other hand, I guess I wish I could be like them. Chummy and all in their cliques.
Never had that. Dont think I will.

Why didn't I leave earlier? It was already so obvious and yet I kept on thinking I have a purpose there.


I have updated a notion that I have of myself recently. I think I AM more gullible and take things too much at face value. I tend to prefer IDEAL world and take a longer time to adapt to the real world.

zzZzzz....

The topic came up once when I had a conversation with someone during a car ride. The person mentioned to me briefly.

A series of events led me to read up more on this. While in the mist of struggling through some problems, one of the question that stood out most was altar call.
I realise I never really knew what it truely meant, and where it came from. (And I also realise how ill-educated I am on the history of church - not that its imperative, but its only good to understand why certain things were done. Not just blindly following).

Some weeks back, I googled and found this well written article talking about it.
http://fundyreformed.wordpress.com/2006/08/30/finney-and-altar-call/

From the above link, there's another link talking about altar call and the christian
http://www.ryandebarr.com/blog/2006/08/29/depravity-and-the-altar-call-part-one/

With some quick reading, I find myself resonating with them. Quoting from ryandebarr, that "Rarely does a person give up a sin with a one-time act of the will."
I agree very much.
Then why altar call? Read up more about how it came about.

While altar call was birth out of one man's over eagerness to produce results, I find altar call more of a place of support. To have people pray with you and be of support.
The two articles have helped for me to articulate my thoughts. During those times I've mentioned earlier, I've had to struggle with no answers to why altar calls is always pressurising people to go up. Hints of now or never opportunity. And the list goes on.

I think it would be safe to say that God hears the sincere prayers of the people who went foward.

And then there's people who have gone foward to receive Christ. fundyreformed's post highlights a quote from another blog who quoted another person (so many quotes!).
http://www.theirvins.com/archives/2006/08/the_altar_call.php

More than often, salvation is reduced to a prayer. Period. Fullstop. One will have to pray that prayer to be forgiven and saved?! One does not/will not suffer from the consequences of sin, one does not/will not have problems, one does not/will not need to struggle and battle with sin on a daily basis, one does not/will not list goes on.

My conclusion is that altar call doesnt 'fix the problem'. (For Christians) More than often, we find ourselves there repeating after some prayer and then expect whatever was the stronghold or sin to be broken and things will be okay. And then finding ourselves sorely disappointed why Monday to Saturday feels like upmost crap because the same problems came back to haunt us.
The truth is that its still a daily battle we go through. Some won, some lost.
mostly importantly, learning how to fight the battles with God.

my mind...

We are color blind people.

Or rather, we are people who have prejudice.


And again, this is about me.

I don't know. Is it that I've projected as arrogant and that I am less credible?

More than often I've said things which people don't really want to listen. (Happens quite frequently that what I've said is true...).


I'm tired that I've always been given the lip service from people.
Maybe I just too easily believe others and take it at face value. And in the end, I'm the one getting hurt because it was my choice to believe and take it.

...........


I really don't get the mentality of people. If its from church, they'll gladly follow without questioning. If its from some where outside, they would either doubt or be non interested about it.
Biased is the word.


My heart feels like a 40 year old. So drained out by the craps of the world.

In the end, maybe I'm the fool. Choosing to believe in others, yet end up getting my fragile heart broken.

Sigh.

mooooveee

I know bitching is bad.

Its either I rant about work, or otherwise people in my life.

Either way, its kinda sad both ways.

And then, tonnes questions screaming for answers. Most of it has nothing to with me.

Actually, I don't know why I have the mentality everyone owes me a living.
Maybe because those people who I once trusted broke my faith and trust in them.

Sometimes, I just can't get over the fact that they came and trampled over - and go on with their lives like nothing happen. You're down here struggling to survive. And they are up there with all the luxury in all forms.

Is it a bad thing at all? To feel forsaken by the people you one once trusted so much?

One speaker commented that no one can make you angry - only you make yourself angry. Logically it doesn't make sense.

Then again, if someone really comes and mess up your life, and walks away scott free, how can you not be angry?

Running one big one and back to square one - there isn't any practical solution to all the questions. At the end of the day, we can't control how the other party reacts.

I always hope they know their fault in the problem and do something about it.
Why did I even picked up the fix-it mentality in the first place???
Oh right... hanging out with people who has that mentality for too long. Should have a warning label for this...

Bleah.

I really have to move on... moovee....