Thursday, January 13, 2005

a very dry throat.
thrust into the middle.
just a bit.
a numbing sensation.
for i will give praise unto Him.
For He is Faithful.
And i am thankful.
Hallelujah!
Glory to God in the highest.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Just as it was about to be over. I am shot down yet again. Well, at least before it took off one of the wheels blew, and take off was aborted. And for that I am grateful.

Its back to the drawing board again. With God this time.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

"It's 9pm on a Saturday night and I am at home! Wa liew, no life sia!" was, to me a somewhat appalling statement made by a friend of mine. I asked myself two questions about this statement when I heard it.

1. What's wrong with being home on a Saturday night?
2. What is life?

Well, it didnt take me too long to convince myself that being home on a Saturday evening, cozing up on my sofa, being a couch potato preparing to watch EPL matches would be fine. Well, I guess, again, it'd depend on the individual - and after much thinking, it seems to me that everything or almost everything has the word - "depend". - because of her/his unique bring up and experiences.

"It depends, on weather, depends on him if he can make it, depends on the situation", I see so many dependence on so many things - that things, or life as I see it depends on layers upon layers of fabric, that if one would be torn, another would be stitched up in its place. Somehow.

I digress with that word I sometimes loathe and fume over - depends on when. The word again. So I must continue with my second question. "What is life?". I am absolutely perturbed and disgusted the way some of my friends use the word - "eh, so today go where life?", "got life today a not?" - and msot of the time, "life" means - clubbing - which also I have personal issues with, but do not really object to. "Wa!, so life ah"

Perhaps clubbing means to have fun, let loose and enjoy yourself with some friends, check out guys and girls modelled in contemporary street wear, sometimes, 'obiangly', which people will spare two glances to check out the wierd wear-do. Then again, I question the motives of the clubbers, and also how the objectives of the clubbing scene movement came to being.

My first query - the motives. Perhaps, it was my first experience with going to a club which was bad that put me off and also the subsequent visits to pubs which had me put off a lot. Why do people go to pubs? Why do girls get to enter for free - get free drinks and all of that privileges (I'm not jealous here)Why do girls (or so it seems) seem to dress extremely scantily and/or sexily? Some questions also arise - drinking. I'm assuming the effects of alcoholism should be well known amongst clubbers and those who do not drink alike - and they get drunk and then vomit their guts out. And this scene plays on every week outside the grass patches, drains, dance floors, wherever youths puking their asses off and in a drunken stupor are dumped into waiting cabs - girls are probably taken advantage of too.

My second query - why and how the clubbing scene came about. I have at the top of my mind some reasons as to why people go clubbing. To socialise - get to know more people. To have fun - dancing. To enjoy time with friends. But the activities have to be universal so everyone can be involved in the same way, not exclusive to just having skills to play. I have to reiterate my stand that I have no objections against people having this kind of fun, its just that I do not agree with some of them. I take this comment my friend made, from a Christian point of view - though I must say, I do not know the faith inside out as yet, but applying it to the best of my knowledge.

Socialising and the pressures of conforming to a society the norms that is attached to these activities when one immerses him/herself into these activities and overtime, and becomes a habit - or a routine where one finds it hard to find a way out of. But where did this mass of gyrating bodies in close quarters with thumping music (if you do call it music), originate from? It must have come from somewhere.

I was reading 'Our Daily Bread' issue and came across this story by David Roper. It describes his experience at a fishing lodge in Montana when another fisherman in his drunken stupor began regaling to him about his visits to brothels and romps with prostitutes. Though vivid in detail which Roper found offensive, he could feel some pathos in the drunken fisherman's voice which reminded him of G.K Chesterton's statement, which also aptly describes what I am trying to elucidate, "Even when men knock on the door of a brothel (or go clubbing) they're looking for God."

Roper says, "Many desires are evidence of a deeper hunger for God. This (drunken fisherman) man, who seemed far from God, was closer than he realised." As the years and decades past, as man walks further apart from God, we have a large void to fill, because we are all made to worship God, this void is then filled with distractions and as Roper describes, "a nagging feeling that [ought] to be something more", and thus fill this void with "self righteousness...or they ignore it".

I used to think that it is easy to follow after God and His word. "Just follow only what, so hard meh?" How wrong I was. It is difficult to follow hard after His word and teachings. But time and again, He picks me up from the street, dusts me down and brings me forward.

De Haan aptly finishes, "Our heart is made for God alone. For only He can satisfy; but oh how much we yearn for things, that in the end are but a lie."

Saturday, September 04, 2004

School has been a buzz of activity. Really lots to be done, hardly any room to breathe for the moment - there is always work to be done. Neverending stream of assignments and projects to complete, one of which will stretch till January 2005 - the next big thing. One of which I've realised how small I've become - trapped in a little space called myself. Having 6 of the top 20 students in this group of 9 working for this project - with me only in the wrong side of the 50% of the level, makes me a really insignificant contributor.

Battles that need not be fought are raging within. Lots of angst and questioning again - what the matter is that I know but really cannot deal with - Its definitely not the stress, I'm really enjoying school but can enjoy it more if not for my past decisions that I made. I can't talk or interact the way I used to. Trust is something I long for - even a simple chat with my parents can't go on - this seems a little extreme and have been considering a trip to a psychiatrist for a while now. Stress? I don't think so...just a little detached from myself. Seeing double vision? Maybe.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

Cold.

Void of Warmth
In a room
And alone with shadows
Of the past
Haunting my future

Cold.

I need a blanket
when I go to bed
The warmth that comes from within
Is fed by a little glimmer
Hope.

Cold

The fireplace wavers
In my living room
The couch that remains
Is but a little comfort
For my later rest?

Cold

A hard board
That I stare against
Stoning is all that happens
My last line of comfort
In time to come

Cold

A long ride to make
Of endless stares and nods
That has no emotion
But only from strange talk
That echoes endlessly in the hallway

Cold

That no one speaks
Or laughs no more
Silence steals more
Away from me
To no end I will find

Cold

A lie I believed
That redemption was near
Perhaps it is
Not for now
But I will continue searching

Cold

I have lost some
And am losing some more
Fo how long will this last
As I finally break
And live anew?

Cold

Icy cool droplets pelt
Against my skin
Fractious and curved
I have no more breath
For myself

Sunday, August 01, 2004

A little rain drop,
kisses my skin
and i shudder.
the reality of it all.
cold.
pelting down
mercilessly
aimless in its pursuit

yes, its cold.
i'd describe it
a systematic breakdown
through the years
building up
tearing down.

i'm cold within.
the sun was never warm.
or was it.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

eating. lots of chocolate. fantastic bars of cookies and cream.........arg...
i need it so much now...
damn.
just had a kit kat..
these are not good chocolates...
i desire...
good chocolate.
man, i never craved for chocolates like this before.
i have never craved for food like i did that day while playing ball.
never.
ever
not simply hunger pangs
just a strong craving...that'd i'd die if i didnt have it
no no
its bad.
addiction.

but i need to enjoy.
more chocolate.