argghh...was reading my ntu email yesterday morning(now its already past mid-nite), and got the shock of my life. turns out that ST Aero withdrew from the Industrial Attachement program. as it turns out, i have to reselect my attachment company on a first-come-first-serve basis?

such responsibility coming from government-linked company. hmph. in the end, i choose to attach to ST kinetics. its much nearer to my place, mind you. besides, it seems to offer better allowance. woo~~

nothing much to write about actually, but i was at a crossroad yesterday. i was wondering if i shld have told her about it. when i first got my attachment at ST Aero, i was delighted and excited that i immediately texted her, despite during her working hours. now i ponder over wat i shld/shld not have done regarding the change.

the though of telling her about the change crossed my mind, OBVIOUSLY. but i cant bring myself to text her. am i still being emotionally attached to her? would it still be right? can i? i still have that guilt feeling when looking at other girls.

enuff said. i did mention i hope to put her behind.

argghhh...today is new year's eve. plans: nil. wonder wat is she doing?

guess 1: countdown with frens
guess 2: stay home

jus got my results for my 3rd year sem 1 examinations. it was...horrid. the only thing that i was only mildly pleased was that i nearly passed all my modules. i got mostly Bs and Cs.

ARGGHHH..i have slacked off.

distractions? temptations? no! i should take the blame. for the incompetence of assessing my own ability, as well as the incompetence of a study schedule, last but not the least, incompetence of discipline and focus.

this is all going DOWN. i shall without fail take these vices to six feet under.

this is the awakening call that i must not condone such evil.

I WILL GET A GRIP.

woooo...jus came back from leavin the final present for her, on the windscreen of her car. in a blue blue envelope(specially made from blue color paper)

it was really exciting. i went to her usual carpark at around 2340hrs+ nearing midnite to christmas day. i was very disappointed that her car was not around. oh well, its christmas eve and everyone is entitled to have fun.

as i was walkin despondent away from the carpark, i decided to drop the gift into her mailbox. jus as i was walking, i suddenly heard a few claps of thunder. somehow i was reminded of what happened yesterday.

yesterday, i was on pulau ubin with my society frens to visit chek jawa. it was so coincdental that she was there cycling as well. she saw me probbably helping out with one of the ice-breaker games. i told her that we would be at chek jawa at a certian timing. however, we still didnt get to meet up. not till around 1640hrs+, when we were all heading towards the jetty. at this moment, we finally saw each another. the moment was brief. she was at the bicycle rental shop while i jus returned from chek jawa on the van. i only got to talk to her at the jetty while waiting for the boat.

wat was interesting was that it started to rain when i met her. then it got worse when i was really close to her at the jetty. we went on different boats, and got seperated. the rain also changed to a slight drizzle while i embarked. somehow, i jus linked our meeting with the wet weather.

hence, when the sudden clasps of thunder came roaring. i was anticipating her return, even though i know its not scientific and its not logical. jus then i saw her car whizzed past the usual road she takes before entering the carpark. although i was at a distance and for a moment(cos i was covered by other structures in between her car and my position), i knew it was her car. but i still wanted to be sure.

i ran towards the multi-storey carpark, through the stairwell and caught a glimpse of the car plate as she went on the deck 2a. it was her car!!

from there on, i snuck around the carpark till she parked her car. i was behind every wall, snuck between cars and looking at her car always one deck lower from where her car was. finally she parked. i was still in stealth mode, waiting for her to be out of sight of her car.

everything felt like a scene from a CIA or Secret Ops movie, that with every step i took, i made sure she was within sight and i was not. my heart was thumping and thumping. i had to ensure she didnt see nor hear me. shhh...

after the gift was carefully secured on her windscreen, i watched her walk towards her lift from the carpark. watching her walk, i felt this urge to company her all the way to her house, like i used to. i even rushed down the stairwell, with the i-wanna-catch-up-with-her speed. the keyword here to note is: "used to". now i can only treasure those moments i used to have with her.

the really weird part is that after all these 'bourne' activities, i noticed that the sky wasnt really going to rain at all. was the clasps of thunder my imagination? or was it jus coincidence? or maybe we really arent made to see each another again? else it will rain cats and dogs.

if u(she) are really this, i would brave the weathers for you, with you...if i could and you let me.

finally back from a long break, a long break from here that is. i guess i am here to announce my closure of the previous relationship. i guess i finally can put an end to it. the closure came with the final gift, christmas gift.

this will signify my final acceptance and total appreciation of her throughout this period of time. although the gift isnt any big thing(in terms of cost), its jus the way i wanna express my final thoughts for her as someone special previously.

just hope that she doesnt read this before i give it to her. :) will ruin the surprise.

soon i will be starting out my internship @ ST Aero. wonder how things will be like. it really got me thinking about the future....digressing into a solemn topic.

current thots on future:
1) 1 million dollars readily at hand
2) the special female friend that i can have till...

yesh...finally my 10year plan. actually i got nothing yet.

got alot of concerns from alot of frens. there was the sms and present from my NTU gang. the surprising one was the msn message from SwanZ. i didnt know she knew about it, or had it marked somewhere.

the one that i valued alot was from joyce. her simple yet meaningful message. well meaningful to me, make that very very meaningful. if she was alcohol, i rather not be sober. however, things dun work like you wish, does it?

well...i still did promise myself a 10year plan. so here, it is.
1) by 10 years(which means my 35th birthday), i will have my 1st million under my beck and call.

2) by 10 years(which means my 35th birthday), i will have found a soulmate(somewho i can share 1001 conversation with and possibly share activities in common, not forgetting sex as well). defined narrowly by the intent to be with her, marry her and setup a future with.

well, the best 2 things that a guy can hope for, money and girl. a plural money and a singular girl. currently, its a singular money and a nothing.

so...if anyone feels like keeping in me in line with my commitment(i do have a commitment problem), feel free to sms me.

another one of my cousin got married today. it was a joyous occasion, the pity was that not everyone shared the same joy.

another cousin was worried sick about the finances of a wedding. well actually her hubby-to-be is the one thats worried, and she worries for him financially as well. she was quite well drowned in the red wine and the scale of the wedding that she could not afford, well not at this moment or anytime soon.

another cousin was also waiting for that big day. waiting for her hubby-to-be to be ready to wanna do it. not because that guy had committment problem, that i dun know for sure, but its due to less than ideal bread situation as well.

well me? i sat there thinkin of her. if memory still serve me well, this is the first wedding i have attended after our break. although we didnt attend many weddings together, it still feels lonely without her. deep down i still ponder if i shld have did wat i did. either the empty void in my heart or my mind rationalised it, i did it for the best of us.

will she find a great guy to walk down the aisle? will i attend and make a clown of myself at her wedding? will i give blessings to the couple? the alcohol inside me isnt helping like it was promoted in the TV shows.

i need to change...

its been some time since i last wrote. but nothing seems to have changed, with regards to her. i know its time to move on, how?

tonite i attended a team dynamics talk. made some good realisation. i actually have some issues with committment. i guess thats why i haven been able to stick to any groups of frens. according to some team expert, the lack of committment will hamper me from knowing ppl and letting other ppl know me in depth. so far, true.

so now, personal target: to cultivate committment. arrgh...help?

21 has remained an important date in my current life. after her, every other thing seems to wanna fall on the 21st. or maybe thats my delusion(a brain created image or idea to see wat i wanna see)

all is goin well. i hope. i have big plans for my own future but its currently tied to the house i am living in. i really hope my plans will go through successfully. although have to appear sure and confident of myself. i cant help to be sometimes overwhelmed by the uncertainties of life. guess that will have to get used to. :)

its been a month since our break-up. wat is a break-up anyhow? avoiding the person that you once held dear? making her less impt than how she once was? or is there no such thing as a break-up?

during this month, there hasnt been a day that pass without reminders of her. in songs, places, words and certain familiar yet distant feelings. still remember her little little habits and dislikes. certain songs that reminds me of her and us, or how we are or used to be.
"可是我却不能够在你的身旁
你想要的
我却不能够给你我全部
我能给的
却又不是你想要拥有的" - 李圣杰 最近

out of coincidence i met up with a few frens at a coffeeshop around her house to chill out. as i bade farewell to them and walked home. i past by her usual carpark. i hesitated for a while, before finally deciding to take a look around the carpark and find her car. i wasnt intending to do anything, but maybe jus take a look at the car even if i cant meet up with her. i went through the whole place, but the car wasnt there. guess it was meant not to be.

i continued on my way home, walking down the same path i used to take when i left her place. the sights and sounds seemed to be the same but the feeling has changed. there used to be certain amount of excitement when walking down the path. NO...not excited that i am leavin her place and heading home. rather it was a sense of excitement that overflowed from the date with her. it was always a path where i acted very stupid, where i had to consistently fear that ppl think that i am crazy.

happy memories will be where i can see and hear her again. even her angry face looks rather cute. will be looking out for your face in the crowd and your little getz in the traffic. that i guess will be the only constant in the break-up.

to my 专属天使 i hope the best for you, because i think u deserve it.

is it really letting go when u consistently think of clingin on? i guess something is really fundamentally wrong with me... ...

i tried to get her to come for my uncle's bday dinner. she agreed to it.

i admit. i was still very amateur about the whole dating after breakup. i realised it afterwards that i shldnt have done it. to make it a clean breakup and start facing up to the fact. i didnt tell her not to come, since she already agreed.

in the end, there was no sign of her. no sms, nothing to explain or even to say that she might not make it. i was mad at abt the whole agreed-and-didnt-meet-the-promise. she damaged my trust and faith in her.

the dinner was scheduled at 1900. i tried to msn her, when i saw her online at around 1800...but she didnt reply.

remembering that we are no longer together, i ignored all efforts to get her. i would have no authority to ask about where she was or whether she might be still coming. but our 1st day as frens, she had already disappointed me. did she forget? only she knows. its around 2330 and not a word.

that day has finally came. i initiated the breakup. reason: not because i ceased to love her or vice versa. there are no 3rd party. there was no impulse nor quarrel. we were still very in love...

...

today we were suppose to celebrate our day(21st of every month). i delibrated abt the decision to breakup with her. i almost couldnt bring up the topic. her every move, her smile, her look and that thing abt her, hesitated my previous steadfast resolute.

since last week, i have went into serious thinking and consideration about a certain issue that had, is and will shroud our relationship. Religion. she insisted that i have to be of the same religion as her, for her set of reasons. to me, it seems more of a criteria of her mother.

she was never the person to insist on things throughout the relationship. we have been through quite some quarrel because of religious issue as well. thats why, i knew it was important to her. so now i had to make the call.

i have always been under that religion's influence since young(relatively speaking), though both my parents or my relatives were not from that religion. you can call it fate, but it jus didnt strike me as it had impacted others. i still persisted in my own line of thot abt religion.

it was jus a medium or instrument. in guiding the mass, to follow a certain protocol of good values. although the protocol may vary from one religion to another, it was generally towards a universe goodness of man. it was a source of relief for weary men who go through ups and downs in the path of good.

i am not saying that i am above anything. but i believe that as long as i can keep to the universal ethics of goodness, that would suffice. religion would still have my respect, but i cant choose one particular school of teaching and proclaim it better than others. since the ultimate goal is the same, for the betterment of man.

i was thinking up all possiblities. even the thought of asking her to take off with me. however, it would mean that she would have to choose between me and her mother. i cant put her in that situation, its jus not my style. hence, i choose for her...for us.

i was bothered by it for an entire week, up till the today. i was so sure that it was a silly decision, to breakup because of religion. the one thing in the world that promoted peace, love and harmony, is actually working against its own founding principles. days gone by and i have often wondered abt death. that might bring another ending to the whole situation, where me and her are still a couple and religion will not come between us.

when i told her about it. she went all silent. it was the moment she had been waiting for not with anticipation or excitement but with dread and unwillingliness. she persisted asking me if i could take up her religion. that was the only way she saw. cos we are still in love.

if today had never happen, i might have proposed to her on some other 21st some years later. waiting for her at the other end of the red carpet. putting the right sized ring for her. waiting for her to say "i do".

but all i am left with is the memory of today. the walkin away in different direction.

it will never be the same again

recently jus went to a primary school fren's WEDDING dinner. and yes, i am the fren of the bride.

it is jus amazing how time flies. through that wedding dinner, i met another 2 of my primary school classmates. through searching for them in friendster, i met another 2. to my surprised another fren is also married with children already. WOW~

talking abt achievements, looking back at my life, i really stink. now i am still stuck in studies. squandering my parents' hard-earned money. and for the past 20+ yrs, i have been waiting for the "to-be-great" moment. will it ever arrive? or is jus a myth?

for as long as i can remember, i have known and told myself that everyone is special. i have looked and see the special in many, except myself...yet. i hate being normal. in a sense that i feel useless being normal. i wanna do something to help. help who? help with wat? help which cause? help whenever? help where?

hmmm...i guess it shld be "dare to be great" rather than "to be great". do i dare to be great? hmmm...leads to another question. wat is great? hmmm...guess i will ponder over that for a while.

i finally understand why love is called a special feeling. it is a feeling of one person towards another person. however, that feeling is ever so special to the one who felt it. when this special feeling is being shown in action, speech or other possible means of affection, the other person feels loved. so i guess the whole thing abt being loved is to feel that you are indeed special to someone else.

is that important? yes. i would like to think so. to let that person u have a special feeling towards feel that he/she is indeed special in at least 1 person out of the large amount of ppl in this crazy world.

i was inspired not by my own relationship but my brother's current relationship. they were giving out so much special feeling for one another that it is annoying(in a good way). so far, everything seems good with the 2 of them. interestingly, a few weekends spent at our place, his gf seems to bonded with our family.

did someone tell u recently that u were special to them in some way? if u have someone to say it to, dun hesitate. that feeling might sit with u till the time u enter the grave. however, if u never make it known to the other person, u might jus enter the grave, alone.

wat is a special feeling? if u know that the person hardly bothers if he/she gets his/her frens angry. but bothers to at least come over cuddle around and ask whats wrong. that will be a subtle but special feeling through actions

or sometimes the good old "u are special to me" works wonders, that is IF u really meant it. it maybe easy to con someone abt such matters, but it doesnt end well.

another thing that i think is essential in a relationship is trust. although this is a very very old topic. i have only begun to realise wat it actually means. trust is actually a very general trust, from personality to behaviour. u can say u trust this or that person, but its hardly the case.

more often than not, there is seldom a comprehensive trust between 2 persons. how about the long-lasting couples, u say. this is the really tricky part, communication. its because of communication that is final tool to bring 2 persons to trust each another more. during communication, understanding of one another is built, queries, doubts and misunderstandings are challenged.

its hard to talk abt trust between 2 persons. it is more of a personal path of finding out the whys hows and the astonishing wats

horny trips. Calling out to all girls only.

invited to climb on board a one-night trip to all favourite make-out spots in singapore.

all girls who register have to be screened.

attire: any...best if none.

got so much to tell and so little blogspace.

this time round the exams seems to catch me alot less prepared. seems that there was quite a lack of time this time. maybe its due to my late start? or is there really a difference when the lessons end the week before your exams?

can really tell why there are bustling groups of couples on campus. its because of the care and concern that they can give each another. who doesnt like a bit more care and concern especially during these troubling and stressful times. it could only get worse.

worse, when u have expectations. worse, when u have to worry about all other things other than your exams. worse, when u have more than 1 person in your life.(this is uphold by the equation : troubles = 2 ^ (no of humans))

actually i am jus glad that i am hanging out in an almost all-guys environment. otherwise, i may jus be easily tempeted by the lure of care and concerns by females. cos even care and concerns by this group of buddies have proven to be addictive. no worries, i am still crystal clear abt my sexuality. it is still 100% heterosexual.

i think that its natural to feel attached to this group of buddies. since i see them almost everyday. we tend to go through similar exploits, experiences and hopes. its weird that i haven started pushing their buttons yet...:)

actually i jus hope to spread care and concern around to everyone i know, instead of tension, enmity and suspicions. lets jus hope that everyone can surf up on this exam.

yet i have done another stupid thing in my life. i wonder if she will be reading this? lets hope she is...so that i can say SORRY.

long story short: she got promoted at work on friday. she told me abt it on sat. i went to ask her why nv tell me on fri. okok..i know stupid move. arrghh...regretting can?

WAT stupidity. she already told me before that she is not that type to go around telling ppl around her abt new stuff or even her happy stuff. example: her new car. arggh. STUPID me.

besides, she told me abt the promotion herself. that was like a difference from before. i think was quite a change for her as well. arrggh. y didnt i think from her shoes before..arhghh...stupidity sux.

i know she has been changing for me. argghh... STUPID

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY...

last nite will working till very wee hours of this morning...i got a piece of news that someone saw joyce late at nite with frens at superbowl mac. i must admit i was quite bothered by the news.

i was at that moment quite curious and hence proceeded to ask a few questions abt wat had been seen. it may seem that i was taking the whole piece of information to be true, however, it is not. i had my reservations about it. without the confirmation by the involved party, any information can be made up, hearsay, rumored, opinionated or twisted. so i was jus fulfilling my curious side.

after that i didnt confirm that piece of news with her. y? its how she is. independent and care-free. she, i guess, has learned thus far how to stand on her own two feet from her past experience. so she has no one to be accountable to except herself and her parents. so what if the news was true? wat would it actually bring?

another part of me was sore-ly jealous of her frens. i know that been with her meant sharing her life with everyone and everything she loved or cared for. maybe its becos i have a small heart, which has problem containing all of that.

then it all mellowed over, i told myself the same line again. its how she is. she is one of those frens person. wat is a frens person? well as far as i can tell, its wat i am not...:)

out of everything, i jus wondered to myself. i all boils down to trust. that i have, thats why i have chosen not to ask her abt it or confirm it with her. she has no obligation to tell me abt it as well, i think...well i am over it...its jus another piece of information i heard...thats all...:)

time for class lor...

recently jus finished one of a quiz on one of my modules. it has clearly brought to my attention on how weak my foundation of all my modules are. so for once, i am really agitated. however, i am turning it into fuel for my latest drive.

not to forget, joyce bday drawing close. she hopes to see a flat tummy by then. initially, i was quite thrilled and obviously now i am not. i was thrilled initially becos i finally have a goal to chase after. however, up till recently, i am jus getting not liking the idea.

so wat if i dun have a flat tummy? does it mean that it will come between us? or that i m nothing much of a show off to her frens?

but i am still pushing ahead. however, this time its for myself. now i cant be bothered if it will be flat tummy by her birthday.

no...i am not talking abt the Jap movie Battle Royale.

rather, i am talking abt the ones in my life. every exam, in my personal view, is always a Battle Royale for every candiate. the paper is the arena and the grade is the final fate.

students in singapore are destined to walk the path of endless royale for at least 10yrs of studies. the glory of victors is not the distinction, rather it is the ability to remain a victor. the shame of defeat has to be carried by the rest. how would any child have such clear and vivid idealogy of victory and defeat? it is none other than the environment and experiences that are the best teachers in life.

government, public, friends and even families. everyone is taught to fend for thyself. for there can be no permanent friends only permanent interests. nobody owes anyone a living. cruel? cold? the animal kingdom works around these principles as laws of nature sheds no pity or praise for any specific species.

my Battle Royale is coming soon. specifically 3 weeks from now, excluding this week. this will be my last 4th BR. after which, i will be thrown into the real world to survive the ultimate test, life itself.

i haven chosen my path after this much of Battle Royale. i have chosen to uphold honour, brotherhood, righteousness, truth and courage. i have chosen not to dwell in the outcome of the royale, but dwell in its process. where in the process, acknowledge my own personal growth and self-awareness.

onward!!

recently something disturbing caught my attention at school.

everyone in school has a particular clique that he/she belongs to. so do i. within this clique of mine, there is this girl. her name is B(names have been changed to protect the identity of the person and assuming that u are dumb enough to not able to deduce it from all the given info).

no...its not abt an entanglement of love triangle. definitely not. rather its abt something that happened to her.

well, she is one of the more well nourished girls around in campus. and yeah, everyone in the gang is quite alright with it and all to the point that we are actually quite comfortable with one another. maybe abit too comfortable. there will always be consistent jokes abt her size and stuff. however, none is actually taken too seriously by both the proposer and reciever. she usually joins in the fun and laugh along, although it does bother her.

here is wat the problem is. the frequency of such jokes have rocketed quite a fair bit. seriously, we arent the first gang of frens to dish it to her like that. her ex-colleagues used to do that to her as well. wat really bugs me is that she seems to be enjoying it quite a fair bit since it rocketed.

i am not saying that she should go all out and kill everyone that dishes her jokes or to take it to heart everything. however, isnt it abt time she give a firm stand on this issue? is she trying to gain more attention towards herself? OR maybe she thinks its her only way of 'fitting' in? did we put her in this situation first? shld she probbably stop the abuse on her pride?

well, from my point of view, it aint stopping. cos she hasnt realised that her pride is being beaten to a pulp. the proposers are jus doin it cos they think she enjoys it. neither one is making any sense. usually its only righteous to 'save' the unfortunate and to undo the 'wrong'. however, is it a save and a wrong if none thinks of it as such?

I dun mind a joke or 2 abt really sensitive issues, like my receding hairline. seriously, who doesnt have it? however, can we really find it in our capacity to joke it off with a firm stand or to jus simply make a joke out of it and recognise that it is touchy for the recipient?

yea...reality sets in. april is the month for exams and not forgetting joyce's bday. so the question is: who is more important? since she is not that type who ask these type of trick question i shall ask on her behalf. :)

well nothing good comes out of last min work. so i am working on both items at the same time. o.0 is that a good answer? hahaha...

everything is fine between us now. details and analysis? now will be a good time. instead of directly jus after conflict resolution. know y? becos cant really get un-excited when i am with her. jus pure CLEAN excitement. its jus like when u see the christmas present walkin up towards u, and of course its the long awaited and legendary present-that-will-almost-nv-be-unless-u-get-it-yourself.

so there was this whole of assumption that i made which turns out to be unfounded. well, its ok. at least i now know its unfounded. the most important is why the unfounded-ness was hatched? one word answer-worried.

and seriously, she aint psychic too. so she didnt know that i was, till the tell-tale signs showed. for example, harsh words and serious tone. all that i can say that she really did quite well with this current conflict resolution. guess she will be on her way to mastering the SHA JIAO(definition: technique used by girls to 'underhand-edly' get away with things).

oh rite...i still have a uni life...back to studies.

the best thing abt being a depression-ist, is that once u have affirmed that the ugliest was painted but its not even a fraction representative of the actual picture. everything becomes a whole lot more beautiful relative from the painted ugly picture.

deep down i am a twisted depression-ist...

so everything turn out fine. like always, like usual. THATs good. i like the usual part. becos, its diabetic-ally sweet. and who isnt a sucker for sweet stuff?

details? once again too many overlooked assumption. so engineer-ically speaking, have to iterate the workings with the newly estimated values and alterated assumptions. an engineer's work never cease, as we try to slowly unravel nature's secret one variable at a time and one assumption at a time.

meanwhile, i think its safe to say that i kinda of like dumping my worries and complains and watever nasty things here. i guess i like it that way and/or i find another alternative method.

made another attempt to drop off the letter at her car again jus now. the time was 2115hrs. to yet another disappointment, the car wasnt there.

she was said to be attending a family sort of church wedding around noon time. so i predicted that well, 2115hr looks like a fine good time to be back home. since she will be having a hetic day tmr. with church in the morning and later goin to batam for ski-ing with her colleagues.

this latest failed attempt has made me realise 2 important lessons. 1) it is definitely pointing towards the directions that i am not supposed to apologise for wat i did at her graduation ceremony. after the failed attempt at the car park. i tried to drop it at her home. and nothing...nobody's home.

the next thing that i have come to realise is how badly i have failed as a bf. the word is TERRIBLY. sad and pathetic attempts like this makes me wonder why i am still carrying on the name as her bf.

so after the failed attempt i tried to find out where she was. up to this point, please note that i dun have the habit of seriously obessing with her every single move. however, it is continuous failure of my surprise discreet actions that lead me down this path.

back to topic, she replied that she was still out at 2115+hrs, which was fine with me on any other sat. BUT not this sat. i tried twice on 2 different occasion asking her out, but was directly and straight in the face turned down by the reason of havin wedding to attend today. so i said fine.

wat really breaks the last straw was that upon enquiring if she was still out celebrating with her family, she stopped sms-ing. that was an expected response, i wouldnt have expected otherwise. this sudden breakdown in sms-ing has only 2 reasons.

reason 1: she doesnt wanna lie and doesnt want to say the truth. hence the third option of silence is used. this is an often used technique, which in fact, i hate.

reason 2: she didnt get the sms i sent.

i am however, quite inclined to believe the reason 2. becos if it really lead to reason 1, ... the picture jus turns bad.

alan's imagination:
degraded from 1 date per month to jus sms-pals. then ... the end?

she replied. saying that she is going home already. upon reciving my latest sms of asking if she got my last sms. quite confirming that it is heading towards reason 1. wat is it with her and jus saying the truth?

is she afraid that the truth hurts that she INDEED chose to go out with frens almost every other time than go out with me. not counting the recent V-day. i have nv gone out with her alone.

Not counting V-day and CNY visitation, i haven gone out with her yet. well that is not quite fair since we jus kinda of patch back at V-day and feb ended quick. so we look into march. i only met her on a tuesday, her graduation ceremony with leslie and serene along too. not that i mind their company, cos i dun think i will ever get a chance of joyce asking me out, if not for leslie and serene askin her if she wanted to double date. sad. but thats how things look from here.

how abt the rest of the month? well...still haven got confirmation of my booking with her on the 24 march and 27 march nite. cos work week, she will definitely be hanging the word tired on her mouth. and she is booked to rock climb with her colleagues next sat. so my best bet is the remainder 2nd half of march. or shld i even give a damn?

does she even know how much i gave up on tuesday to go to her ceremony? shld have jus stayed at school. there wasnt even a thanks for coming. it all ended in a quarrel.

quarrel content:
- i studied my lecture notes on the ceremony but i stopped for only her part where she goes to stage.

- i was still paying attention.

- till that day did i know that her class was too big and had to be divided into 2 classes and she was in class 2. before that i was wondering wat special meaning did class 2 had.

she felt that i shldnt be studying. ok i admit, i was doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. but she could have jus said something else other than saying that "u can dun come de lor"

sigh.

oh...i had fun with myself today. walkin around town central...guess it will be soon when more such wkends will come.

news update:
she is finally home(i guess) at 2315. now the question is shld i go and deliver the letter? ...

this maybe the only place left for me to rant at will, complain non-stop and unload everything i carry.

this is march 10 2007 0139hrs...

why am i up so late? partially becos i was out meeting some old buddies. benny and kumar. the other part? trying to send out my letter of forgiveness...

summary update:
- back together with joyce again...
- recently attended her graduation ceremony
- did something else at her graduation ceremony

hence, i was up on the idea of writing her a letter to ask for forgiveness. this idea was to be coupled by the other idea of leaving the letter on the windscreen of her car. i visited her usual carpark at 2230hrs. no sign of her car. then again at 0100hrs. DISAPPOINTED

i wonder if i am more angry about not delivering the letter or not knowing what had happened to her. the last i heard from her was a reply that she didnt knock off earlier. that is relative to her almost everyday OT timing. if i told u that it wasnt getting to me...i will be lying through my keyboard.

its not that i am trying to keep tabs on her. but isnt it amazing how i can think of communication as the most important tool yet she is not very into this communication stuff. or maybe jus not to me?

i was jus talking to benny. he was telling me that he wasnt planning to get attached at all. seems that he feels his lack of time would lead to his lack of commitment. funny how it seems to be with joyce.

with her 5-day work week on her shoulders, the most impt thing she need at the end is a good rest. so that leaves jus wkends. with sunday being her family cohension day, saturday is the only day of the week left. however, the contenders are getting to be in a very long queue. from friends, to colleagues, to me and probable other family matters.

so if you work out the stats, i will on average get 1 date per month. the odds jus gets better, since her friends group consist of many other sub groups which can have the options of taking up more than 1 sat. not to mention the colleague bonding that is essential to all workplace.

"face it" u say. ya...i have to understand her pain-staking 'body splitting' every month. too add to above odds, she is probably the least sticky girl i have seen.

maybe the problem really actually lies with me. sighz...we will nv know.

i am of course an uninteresting person with rather low sense of humour. low apathy replaced with a very engineer's touch of reason and looking at things. i am not a dresser not to mention good looks or chiselled body. i have ego, pride and low intellect coupled with low confidence.

by now you should have a picture or the worst guy you can meet on the street. not to forget my t-shirt, basketball pants and slippers.

back here again at memory lane.

recently, due to the things in motion. i have been set to be thinking about myself. the answer that came with the question was simple enough. or i thought so. i kept asking myself "am i too soft?"

i kept thinking about how i always thought for others and thought about others. i even go to the extreme of thinking for them even when the event has yet to be. hence, my character built up to be of cautious words and actions leading to a mysterious and unfathomable person. i keep getting this SNAG tag tied around my neck. not that i dislike it nor like it. its just that i dun know how to deal with it.

in view of Taoism and the whole yin yang concept, i shone it on myself. since guys are all supposed to be yang materials and yang stood for everything impulsive, reckless, stubborn, rash, etc.. you get the idea. but i however, keep finding myself standing on the opposite side of the line. on the yin side to be exact. i am nothing impulsive, not to mention stubborn nor rash. so from Taoism point of view, i am a yin guy. in short, i am messed up. maybe what i need most now is a dash of yang. time for slight personality adjustment?

there have been this project that i have been doing for quite some time. come to think of it. its about 1yr and 2 mths plus. its a part of my life that i cant get it or understand. not that i am not trying, but its just that she is making it hard for me. if i said that i was the yin, she would definitely be the yang.

she is detached but craving love. she is simply complex. she is without reasons and logic defying. she is sometimes cold that sends shivers down the heart and yet at times warm and fluffy that totally brighten the day. she is mostly in a world of her own and all i do all the time is to look for that door. everyone around her seems to have found the door except me, wondering deep where that key has been cached. while looking into her world full of people happy, joyful and smiling. all so perfect just the way it is without me.

there have been times where i have thought about whether i do belong in her world. i first came by this little world once upon a time. in this land far far away, i saw this little girl that i liked. i try as i may and try as i might, to get into this little world of delight. no matter how much i shouted at the doors or how hard i knocked. it seems that she just stared right in my eyes, i could not have known what she was thinking.

was she thinking about why this stranger is trying to intrude into my private space? or was she thinking about whether to let this stranger in? or was she thinking did this stranger knocked on the wrong door?

i dun not even know the questions let alone set quest for the answers. she has me totally baffled. she has me totally under her spell. i have no where to run nor to hide as i lay bare in front of her. i am hopelessly i. L...