You told me to go home and go straight to sleep, that it would be good for me, but I'm finding the house too crowded, my thoughts too crowded, and all I can do is sit here and numb my feelings out.

I remember our first date, that night when you picked me up at midnight and we took an hour's drive to the seaside where you pointed out the Belt of Orion, saying the middle star was your favourite star, saying it gave you hope, that there was always a way. Tonight I look up and see the three stars in a perfect line, but they give me no hope, and they do not show me a way out of this. Star crossed is the only word that comes to mind.

It was never meant to be. An unintentional meeting which somehow led to daily texting, the first date, the second date the very next day, and then almost daily meetings, but in the end good things were never meant to last. Now I'm sitting here, missing you with your perfume still on my cheeks, blaming myself for agreeing to meet you in the first place, and finally delivering the fatal blow, to you, to me, to us.

Time will heal, yes, but how long will it take? And how much time will I need to come up with an answer? It is not very likely that I will change my mind in a month to want to settle down and have kids, given how dysfunctional my family is, and thus being reflected in my choice. I already know what my choice will be, if nothing changes, but I just need some time to confirm, for myself not to be blinded by attachment, for you to wash out of my system, for heartbreak to be replaced by indifference, to let my rational mind take over again.

My dear, thank you for making me the happiest I've been in a very long time, for not treating me the way other guys have treated me, for taking care of me and being so understanding. I'm sorry for causing those tears we shed today and may still shed, for all the time and effort you spent. Most of all, I'm sorry for meeting you.

I honestly saw a glimmer of hope for us.

It broke my heart when out of habit, you signalled me to text you when I got home, but stopped abruptly when you remembered.

I miss you. I already do.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for the past week, for bearing with me and all my shenanigans and anxiety attacks, for waiting for me who is so slow in everything, for keeping me sane through our darkest period and giving me hope when I thought there was none. If it were not for you I would have already given up and prepared to fail.

Despite the torturous 13 hours a day cramming, the multiple anxiety attacks and breakdowns, we managed to pull through. I do not know about you, but I have to admit I loved it when you were there, and have gotten so used to you being there. Now that this is over, I will miss you a whole lot.

It's over. It's all over. And now that you know that you got that question correct we can get some sleep tonight. All your hard work paid off and I am quite sure you will be fine.

Rest well, the future (and your Bentley) awaits!

Tribute to Ben

11 p.m. We're on the couch in the lobby of Building 399, books, pens and iPads all around us. Around us are small groups of people drilling each other with questions all in preparation for the upcoming registration exam.

"Everyone else has an ex-intern helping them..." I start whining.

"My place didn't even have an intern before me, but we'll be OK. We'll get through."

He sounded a little flat. It could have been the fact that he had been studying all day today since 11 a.m., but it was comforting.

We met each other two years ago through a mutual friend, which ironically now whom I no longer talk to (long story...). We wanted to land an internship in hospital, we both failed, landed in the same company, and somehow now we're study buddies. We are having our exams on the same day. We also had our mock test on the same day last week and he suddenly offered me a lift to the venue. After the test he took me straight to uni, up an empty building past locked corridors into an empty lecturers' office, his secret hideout, and said: "We better study."

So for the past few days we have been meeting up at 11 in the morning studying and quizzing each other non-stop until 12 midnight. Yesterday we had a most unusual study session where we walked into a nearby pharmacy roaming the aisles for an hour revising all the different products.

He is several years older than me, drives an open-top four wheel drive which is the only car here which has not given me motion sickness, and gives me a sense of security like the big brother I never had. Our knowledge complements each others' quite well so we learn things from each other, something I would never get if studying alone. If it weren't for him initiating this study buddy thing I would have given up studying and be mentally preparing myself to fail. But together we kind of force each other to study, and at least I now have something in my brain that I can use.

I have not met many people worth holding on to throughout my five years here, and I am not sure if this good relationship will last. I do hope so, because for the first time in a very long time I finally found inner peace. However, even if this is a friendship based on benefits, I guess I'm still thankful for him being here with me through this time of despair.

Shit my boss says 2

1.
So this guy walked in and asked me about meds and stuff. He's pretty good looking. I helped him and went back to the dispensary.
B: "Stop blushing."

2.
B: What happened to you?
M: I'm tired.
B: Try having a kid.
M: ... (Kay fair enough can't complain...)

3.
B: You tired?
M: I'm always tired.
B: Do you want to come in later tomorrow?
This is like the sweetest thing anyone at work has ever said to me and I almost cried...

4.
This doctor who is really cute came in asking about stuff (he's from Europe) so I tried answering his questions. And naturally because he was cute I couldn't help but smile to myself.
B: Oh my god you like blonde guys.
M: No I don't...
B: I saw you flirting with him!
M: I wasn't even mate...
B: You like goldilocks! *proceeds to tell my other supervisor/senior/"work boyfriend" about "Goldilocks"*
M: I hate you...
P.S. Said doctor has become a regular at our place eheheheheheheheheh...

5.
B: (While showing photos of his kid) Look at him. He's so cute. Too bad when he grows up he won't be so cute anymore he'll be like "fuck you daddy".

6.
*Friend from sister store calls*
B: *Picks up phone* SEXYMAN...

7.
This lady came in and accused him of being racist because he served a white lady first.
B: *Shows lady his arm* Look, I'm black (he's very dark) and I'm Asian. So I definitely can't be racist.

8.
B: "It's good if you're black. Look when I lie and I blush no one can tell."
(This was like his best line ever...)

2 days later...

B: I feel sick. Is my face red?
M: If you are I can't tell.
B: (Calls wife on the phone) I think my intern just used my line against me... I didn't expect that...

9.
B: I'm interviewing someone on Wednesday.
M: I thought you found your next intern already.
B: She bailed on me after working with me last weekend.
M: What did you do to her?
B: Nothing!
M: You scared her off mate.
B: I didn't. I just did what I do when I work with you.
M: You sure mate?
B: Yeaaa...
(Silence...)
B: Do I repel you? Is it how I smell? *steps really close and leans across my face*
M: Mate can you not...

I'm finding it really hard to leave this place next year...

Shit my boss says

Just a random collection of the damnedest things my boss has said...

1.
B: Here's a donut.
M: What's the occasion?
B: I wanted one donut, but they come in packs of two...

2.
He refers to my other supervisor as my "work boyfriend".

3.
B: Have a donut.
M: I'll eat it later.
B: I WALKED IN THE COLD WEARING A T-SHIRT TO BUY THIS FOR YOU!

4.
B: You have the day off on Friday.
M: Yea.
(This happened three times within the hour.)
B: You usually say something like "love you", why didn't you say anything today?
M: *Did you just tell me three times I had the day off just to hear me say "love you"?* OK, I love you.
B: That doesn't even count...

5.
B: Where's my phone???
M: *points to phone*
B: You're like my work wife now.

6.
M: *Tries to reach for something on the top shelf*
B: *Comes over and gets it* Why are you so short?

7.
LUNCHATORY!!!
(That means lunch time.)

8.
For no apparent reason...
B: You're moody today. Are you on your period?

9.
B: You know, my kid could have been your kid.
M: What?
B: You both have the same cheeks. (His baby has very chubby cheeks.)
M: You're the worst...

The pill cutter

I'm kickstarting my blog again and starting a new series of my misadventures at work. My first post will be dedicated to the dumbest people of all--- Customers. No don't get me wrong. Some of them are lovely people. But some of them are just empty up there.

Today's story is about a pill cutter.

The discerning intern: I
Old lady who really needs her money back: C

I: Hi, how's it going?
C: Hi, I would like these prescriptions filled. Also I would like to return this pill cutter. It doesn't work anymore.

(Intern looks at pill cutter, notices it is covered in powder, most probably served its purpose cutting pills but is past its prime.)

I: OK. What's wrong with it?
C: It doesn't open up

(Intern tries to open it, sure enough it doesn't open.)

I: When did you buy this?
C: A couple months ago. Look, I don't want to be paying for something I cannot use.
I: And was it like this when you bought it?
C: No. It was fine when I bought it. But now it's stopped working. It doesn't even last. I want my money back. They know me here.
I: Do you have your receipt with you?
C: I don't have it with me, it must be somewhere at home.
I: I don't think you can return this today then.

(Customer dismisses intern, intern dispenses medication, calls customer to collect medications.)

C: Look I think you don't have the right to tell me that I cannot return this. I'm not paying for something I cannot use. I want to speak to someone who can actually do this for me. They know me here.
I: (Sorry what?) Yea sure, do you want to speak to the pharmacist?
C: Who's the pharmacist?
I: (Points at pharmacist) She's over there, do you want to speak to her? (Though I'm pretty damn sure she won't agree.)
C: I don't know her.
I: O... K?
C: I don't know her. Who else is in today?
I: The boys work weekdays, they're not...
C: (Not even gonna let I finish) I'm coming back during the week to speak to someone I know and can do this return for me.
I: Suit yourself.

Look mate. You're being funny. Let's say this was a supermarket, you buy a carton of milk. You drink half a carton and it's abso-fucking-lutely fine. You forget to put it in the fridge and whoop-dee-do what do you know the milk goes sour. Do you take that carton of milk, go prancing back into the supermarket declaring "I want my money back I'm not paying for something I can't drink!" Well I'm bloody fucking sure you don't. I don't know how to feel now, uncontrollable hysteria or murderous rage. And to think that people like you exist and can potentially reproduce and have offspring, and then populate the world with descendants who inherit your rock bottom IQ is frankly bloody discomforting.

Rant over. Bye.

就算放开
那能不能别没收我的爱
当作我最后才明白