Day 1.. a new beginning?

1 Jan 2019

Day 1 of cooling down period.

Struggled not to message you.. somehow I think it’s easier for you because you don’t usually text me.. but for me, it’s difficult cos I will message you as and when..

I miss you.. hopefully it’ll get easier as time passes..
Tears won’t flow so much..
Heart won’t ache that much..

時間會慢慢沖淡一切⋯漸漸的就不會那麼痛了⋯
我多想要在你身邊⋯可惜那不是我的位置⋯



「有一種悲傷
不想要與你分開 思念才背對背張望
你是所有 你是合照一張」

Sleepless...

So here I am..
Cannot sleep though I am tired..

辛苦，心疼，用淚水洗臉
我可憐的枕頭

I really don't know His plans in all of this..

Maybe it's just to help him out of his previous....
Maybe it's to reiterate that fairytales are fairytales.. there's no "happily ever after" for me..
Or that I'd not have a fairytale ending..

Maybe I'm being negative about it..
But what can I say..
It's like a calm before the storm..

I thought things were better..
But it might only be the beginning..

Maybe like what I originally thought..
Maybe he's better off without me..
Maybe he'd be happier with someone else..

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

啊！多麼痛的領悟⋯⋯

So this is it..?

So I forced the question..
and made him think about what's happening and to give a timeline to this.

And FINALLY there was a response

Wasn't really expecting any particular type of response so having any response is good.

So now there's a timeline..
something to work towards..

And from there..
what then?

It'd either be a "conversion to perm" or a kthxbye
Something he's not willing to comment on.

I have to admit that I've expected that he'd not be able to take it
PTSD and all...
So what if he had fought hard?
The toll always kicks in later..

Sometimes.. love just ain't enough.

Maybe I already expected his answer when he let me read about "conscious uncoupling".

And MAYBE...
after it all..
he'd still decide that there's someone else who's more suitable for him..
who he'd be happier with..

Probably that's the best outcome of it all..

Happy

The last week was a roller coaster ride..
from being totally upset and crying
to being happy (and wanting to cry maybe?)

Just 2 days ago he suggested a staycation when I get back..
and he suggested going to Raintr33 hotel..
a place where he had nightmares about because of the past..
somewhere where he'd get PTSD about..

I hope that means that he is gradually letting go of the past and that somehow he has forgiven me..
that maybe there's hope for the future..
and that we'd be stronger..
and happier..

Baby steps..
but it's a step in the right direction.

I'm stoked!
And I am definitely very happy!

"In my life

There is someone who touches my life

Waiting near
Waiting here

A heart full of love"

It's me again

Hey.... am back again.

Today is India's Independence Day.. I'm having a public holiday and am sitting in the hotel room...... thinking of..............

So am distracting myself with work, games, couple of Korean drama episodes...

Yet am mindful that he's ignoring me.
不管是刻意的，还是无意的，事实是他是在避开我
Messages have gotten significantly lesser.. replies are short and curt (if any).

I've got 2 weeks to get over this.. I'll be fine in 2 weeks..

Went to office yesterday.. everyone was dancing around me cos they somehow could see that I was not happy and not looking well..

I need to buck up and not wear my feelings on my sleeves..
Should only breakdown when I'm alone..

Need to school my emotions, expressions and thoughts.

If only it were that easy.....

"Nobody said it was easy.. Nobody said it'd be that hard..."


*Post post notes: He said he was very busy and tired the last couple of days hence not really able to respond.

Back again

今天外头的天气反映了`我心里的感觉。。。阴深深，下着大雨。。
心里一阵阵的痛。。。已经好久没这样的感觉了。。。

This blog has obviously been left unused for long periods of time... only for me to come and jot down major periods of time in my life.

That might be good too... for me to put down somewhere..

I had the love of my life come all the way to Chennai to visit me though it was only 1 day (sad but true). He flew all the way though he's terrified of flying.. stayed for less than 24 hrs.. but it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

We had a wonderful time together until he went thru my phone and saw some past messages that I had with some guys that used me in the past. So he got upset.. and angry..
And he left upset....

They always say... 床头吵，床尾和.. never go to bed angry..
I think he didn't manage to sleep.. and I took a long time to sleep as well..

I know how much it all hurts him.. but I didn't have any intention on cheating on him.

I do not have unfinished business with anyone else either.

From the looks of things.. I don't know if we'd ever fall back in place..
Maybe we might.. Maybe we won't..

But if we don't.. then I guess my original plans "worked" out..
He'd be rid of me.. can find someone more suitable and compatible..
Someone who'd make him happier and can love him the way he deserves.

And maybe it's all a self-fulfilling prophecy..
Fairytales never exist in reality..
Good things never last.

真是的。。早知如此，又何必当初。。。
I never thought it would have been possible for someone like me..
To be able to have something like this..
No matter the duration..
至少我曾经拥有过

Writing this in tears (I'm not supposed to be crying cos going for eye op this week) but can't help it..
I could see the pain radiating off him yesterday.. and I could feel it..
I can feel my pain from it as well..

I suppose it's true..
Trust once broken is hard to mend..
No matter the intention, the thought process behind it.

I don't regret starting this journey with him.
I regret how it started out.

But at the end of this journey..
if it doesn't have a happy ending, at least I know that I had a period (albeit short) of time in my life that I was truly loved, cared for and wanted.

And then I can close up and keep my final promise to him..

I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm really just a very lousy person and not worthy of your love.

我真应该当个尼姑，远离世间红尘。。这样对大家都好些
心好痛。。。真的很痛。。。
但也都是我的错，所以我活该，也是我应得的。

I wish I can take away your pain.. 1 person in pain is better than 2 people in pain.
If only I could......

It's been a long while

It's been a long time since I've written..

I think I'm a bit rusty in my writing. I decided that this is something I should consider writing about because it's one of my greatest struggle ..

I haven't been the best professing Christian.. I have strayed many times.. Ignored many advice and  did many things that I know is wrong..

As a result of that, I sank further. I became depressed, bitter, angry with God.. Many times I wonder why would God put me thru all this?!? But now, looking back.. I put myself into all this.. It's all my fault.. Had I been more faithful to begin with, I would not have to go thru all this pain.

Now at the crossroads of my life.. Someone who fits my prayer came back into my life but in less than desirable circumstances.. I don't think that God would put me thru these kind of temptation if He means for him to be in my life as my life partner..

But I do know.. That from his point of view, if I cannot take him at his lowest now.. To walk thru this tough road with him.. To slough it out with him.. That there will be no future with him.

He's a great guy.. One with a long history with me. A good friend. A nice guy. A sweet boyfriend and a potentially wonderful husband.
One that I would want to have for life. One who would fight for me even if I give up on myself. One who would fight against me for me if he thinks that that is the best for me.

Now here.. People will be thinking.. "What is this crazy woman up to?!? Such a great catch! And she's going to let him go???"
Yeah.. Well.. Things aren't as simple as they seem..

He's married.. Albeit he'll be going thru divorce soon.. He's still out of reach..

He wants me there to go thru the period of divorce  with him.. To be his partner.. His support.
While I can be his support, his listening ear, his shoulder to cry on.. That is not what he's looking for.

I struggle with my spirituality and his.. I don't want to condemn the both of us.. While everything he's proposed and said sounds logical and appeals to my rational self, I can't help but think.. What of the future? Would God bless such a union?

The divorce is based on logical grounds.. Self-preservation I'll call it.. Though it is logical. Having loved the person.. And been thru a marriage it WILL hurt..

I'm sorry I've hurt him so badly in one way or another. I'm not perfect.. Actually I'm way from perfect.. But he still somehow sees some good in me and is willing to fight for me.. And for that.. I'm thankful for God to put him in my life.

Thanks for everything darling.. I pray that God will give you strength thru this.. I want to, will and can be here for you in my capacity if you would allow me to.. But if not, I pray that God will grant you peace and grace in this trying period.

As I make the decision to not be his partner.. My heart breaks.. But I know it's in God's hands.. That I'm leaving him, myself and our future (or lack of) into God's hands.. And may His Will be done.

I really hope that I'm making the right choice..
But I think.. If it is really in God's plans for us to be together.. He'll show us.. He'll lead us back together somehow.. In the right circumstances..

And then we can safely say and will be assured that this is what God meant for us.

I feel like I'm standing at the border of bothering and being nonchalant..

I feel like I'm between closing myself up and not..

I've not felt like this in a long time.. I don't even know what started this..

But now.. I feel pain.. Like this numbing pain sensation is running thru every fibre of my body.. Trying to take hold of whatever it can get to..

And now I'm left wondering.. Should I fight it or just let go..

It's been a long time since I've last blogged..
I've actually stopped posting a long time ago..
So there might not even be readers..
But a blog being a blog is a place to air thoughts and feelings..
So I'll just type whatever I want..

Jealousy, envy..
Never nice feelings to experience..
The only reason I can think of is that people will only feel that way if they compared themselves to others.

So if I don't compare..
I won't feel that way?

Life has never been easy..

Broken up and trying to move on..
Not easy..

But with work and school..
It helps me not to think..

The weekends,
the places we've been to however..
Don't help at all..

It takes time..
Lots of time..

But I'll get there somehow..
With Your help..
With Your guidance..
With Your strength..

Help me also..
With my work..
It's STRESSFUL..
Everyone's leaving..
I feel like going too..
But I can't 'cos I don't have another job that will allow me the hours I have here..

Thank You..
For being here..
For him..
For them..
And also for him..
Learnt a lot..
from all of them..

Keep me..
Help me concentrate..

Forgive me of my sins..

In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.