So I had a friend over for dinner... Instead of being early, he was late.

It would look like he would rather not waste his time and let me wait instead. Interesting...

There's that thing about the checklist again..

He's not doing so well.

Haha~

I didn't want to have to do this, but you left me no choice.

How can you be so insensitive and selfish and then expect there to be no consequences?

I wish you'd learn your lesson 3 years ago, but all you did was fall back into those ways.

When it comes to me, don't you even have a heart?

I regret knowing you.

Regret feeling bad for you when you were sad because you have never felt bad when it came to treating me with respect.

All I have to say to you now is, "Pay up. And let's forget we ever knew each other."

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So I decided to check on the statistics of my blog and found out to my utter surprise...

Oh hey! I still have readers! xD

I'm guessing it's the few people who know about this blog and are actually interested in my awesome life.. (Not..)

But thank you. It's nice to know that people still bother. Lol.

Everyday has ups and downs still.. Everyday I feel happy and sad.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to feel nothing throughout the whole day?

Better to feel neutral than too happy or too sad right?

Meh... With the things that have been happening lately... I don't know what to think anymore.

What happened to the innocent world I used to live in?

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I want to thank you for telling me the truth about the past. But sadly, it doesn't make me feel any less disgusted, knowing what had already happened.

I want so much to get through to you, to tell you about my anxieties, my fears, however irrational they may be. I wish that you'd hold me and tell me that I was just overthinking things, and assure me of your uninvolvement.

But like everything that I've always wanted and never gotten, you have never bothered to assure me.

If you tell me you didn't do it, you say it by throwing it in my face, not even caring that I flinch as you say those careless words. Then you turn away from me, and busy yourself with ignoring my hurt gaze.

I told myself to trust you. That from our new arrangement till now, you have not given me a reason to doubt you.

But old habits die hard and I try so hard to push those nagging thoughts out of my head.

"He's telling the truth." I tell myself.

"Look, he even swore when I asked him to."

But can a seasoned liar ever really put aside his lies for a moment to share a truth if it meant losing what he thought was good for him at that point in time?

You may not understand what I am talking about. To be honest, in another month, I would probably have forgotten what I was going on about too.

My memory blanks out at important checkpoints like it doesn't want to know. Perhaps what I have is selective amnesia. Where everything bad just gets blocked out, and I never remember a lesson.

Perhaps what I truly need is a fresh start.

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Stuck between voicing out and facing rejection, the only way one can think of is to write his story out in words, in hope that it gets to the right person... Who might finally understand his pain.

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So...

I was all moody just now for reasons I cannot say.

And like he sensed it, a friend messaged me "I love you. Good night! ♥".

He's from America so the time is right, and he's just a normal friend whom I chat with once in awhile. But just reading that, when I was feeling down, totally made me smile.

Sometimes, we should be grateful for the little things.

Thank you, L.

My apologies. I read back on my previous post and realise it might have sounded more ominous then it should have. Sorry for scaring you Kathy. =X

Anyway, the verdict came out on my blood test results and it turns out I have hyperthyroidism.

It's when you have an overactive hormone gland and it's releasing too much hormones, hence causing a multitude of symptoms/problems like body tremors, mood swings, depression, anxiety/panic attacks, insomnia, heart palpitations, rapid heartbeat and more.

I went to a polyclinic and got some meds for lowering my hormone levels and heartbeat rate and I've been taking the meds for 2 weeks now.

You wanna know what's really ironic?

I've been feeling breathless lately, to the point of becoming lightheaded, dizzy and nauseous and I'm wondering if I might actually faint soon.

And then I realised oh hey, what if the meds to lower my heart rate is the one causing it?

For a couple of weeks now, before I was diagnosed, I couldn't sleep every night and would lie in bed until 3am just waiting. On a few instances, I would hear my heart beating and vibrating like it was a drumbeat coming from within me.

I took to measuring my heartbeat rate like the doctor said to, and found that my heart was beating abnormally fast for someone lying in bed. The average was 122bpm and I once got 133bpm! *extreme!*

Anyway after the meds, apparently now my heartrate while sitting here is 83bpm and my friend just measured a 60bpm. =.=

We're both sitting down and not doing anything exciting so.. Wtf?

I'm guessing the lowering of heartrate is causing me to not get enough oxygen which in turn makes me pant like a dog who just ran the 2.4km run and get more headaches.

This is stupid. =.=

I'm so tired I could cry. T_T

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Burnt all my bridges, stubbed all my toes. It's like I'm deluded or building a wall.

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So... Drama.

Nobody likes drama. But sometimes I wonder if a part of me thrives on drama.

I mean, come on now. If you knew the shit that happened to me, you'd be thinking, "Dang, she must be making it up. Cause that's just crazy."

Recent drama-worthy news. I took a blood test to test for something...

No dude. Not STDs.

Results are out and I'll be going to the clinic later.

I don't know what to think though. The nurse called me yesterday and told me to see the doctor today.

1. If results were negative, she would have just said it over the phone. Yes/No?

2. If results were positive, she wouldn't tell me to go down the next day since it'd be better to get help quickly. Yes/No?

So yeah... This wait is not helping. I have scary thoughts running through my head. And my 'friends' aren't helping.

I was talking to a friend yesterday, after having been pissed off by a few others. I posited (Fringe reference, yay!) that I usually see things/situations as logical and that everyone else should understand it as well, hence it pisses me off when they ask the obvious.

My friend offered this news; that I assume most people have common sense, when sadly most people do not.

I laughed at that. And realised he was right.

He suggested that I should expect the least of the general population, and to explain in detail, what I would consider simple, to them.

Interesting suggestion though. I just had to tell him that I did not like being treated as dumb, to which he said that he did not consider me part of the general population.

Fair enough.

As of now, my headache continues to torment me.

With the way things are going now, I do believe I have a lifetime of meds to look forward to. Yippee. =.=

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Funny how when I need you, you find reasons not to be there.

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