the day my life as i knew was shattered by an institution and its management.
1:54 AM
a simple dream
For the longest of times, I wanted to be a teacher.
A simple dream to teach in Anderson a normal academic class from sec 1 till sec 5 and nurture them and build a good foundation for them to break the stereotype. To know whether I would make a difference to their lives and how they turn out to be.
Why you may ask?
During my days as a peer leader, I’ve always been given a normal academic class. I never complained but I took it as a personal pride to make sure they prove themselves. Every year my class will do so. And every year, I fall in love with their determination. And every year, they make me want to fulfil my dream even more.
You see the little buddies I made in those 3 years are really special people to me. They help me grow and help me see things differently. These kids score 200 and would rather be in na than in express just to be in Anderson. They don’t mind being labelled in hopes of a better education environment. So every year, I made it a point to make sure I don’t feel short changed. And every year I made sure people know that they not just normal. They are extraordinary. Every year, I get a sense of satisfaction. Because every year I know that I have made people believe in themselves and believe that they are beholders of their own fates.
I wanted to do this year after year after year until I become I whinny old hag who can no longer keep with young energetic kids.
But… The last two years I have lost faith in the education system, its education officers and myself.
I lost faith in the teaching profession. To me, some of these people who call themselves teachers seem to just want to pay off their scholarship bonds and no genuine interest in nurturing their students. Fake concern, stupid awards. Some of them fake it till they make it. Others destroy dreams and snatch away hopes.
I don’t want to be part of that.
I’ve always respected teachers.
To teach is to touch a soul.
But slowly and ever so slowly, I have to convince myself that I m not lying.
1:50 AM
what are friends for?
On teachers’ day, I wanted so badly to go back to Anderson. But I couldn’t bring myself to. I guess it’s the shame I felt and have been feeling. The feeling of what I used to be and what I could have been.
I have always wanted to do Anderson proud. Anderson is where my heart is. I take back whatever I said in the past. Anderson let me grow up, respected me as a person, as someone growing up. Anderson gave me the best time of my short life. Anderson I LOVE YOU! Anderson gave me the friends that have been helping me pull through this period. Anderson gave me people I care about. Anderson nurtured me. Anderson gave me hope.
I really miss my teachers in Anderson. I missed them so much I felt so depressed the whole day.
But true friends check on you, cause they know that you feel pain.
Jiaying Rachel Celine came to visit me after they went to Anderson to check on me. To make sure I was alright. To make sure I didn’t do anything stupid. For them, I pulled myself together and try and to enjoy myself with their company. They gave me reassurance that I wasn’t alone in this meaningless world after everything I worked was taken away from me. They stood up for me.
What are friends for?
They make you remember what warm and cuddly feels like when all your hopes are gone.
1:22 AM
congratulations
I’ve realised something, whatever I have done for the past year doesn’t account for anything.
I’ve also realised that I m so insignificant that my absence means nothing to the people I considered friends.
Then again who expects to make friends with someone who when they were with seemed to be only screaming and shouting at them right? I guess I made surface friends. I didn’t make an impact on them enough for them to care about my existence. Can I say that I’m hurt? I guess I can’t reserve that right.
After all, I can blatantly put it as I’m nobody to them.
I put in the same amount of time and a lot of effort and emotion. Maybe I just can’t compare. why tell me why?
Is it because i was too strict? Is it because I always seem to appear sickly? Is it because I overfed you too many sweets that came from my own meaningless pocket money? Is it because I rushed from SGH A&E with a swollen hand a little too late to start practice? Is it because I didn’t think of my feelings and only thought of yours? Is it because I didn’t try to boost the morale and tried to integrate you without the help of people whom I was supposed to get help from? Is it because I ran a one woman show? Is it because I let management scold me alone and take the blame? Is it because I beg the principal to let me stay with you and got scolded and insulted for it? Is it all of these?
Are these the reasons why you want to make me feel insignificant and unappreciated?
Well you have successfully done so.
Congratulations.
I’m using a band aid to cover a bullet hole through the heart.
1:19 AM
Thursday, August 31, 2006
painkillers don't work..
if pain killers are supposed to do what they do, why do i still feel so much pain..
shouldn't it be able to take away all sorts of pain. i feel more isolated than i ever have before. trying to keep up with a front that i m ok and nothing is wrong with me. after you have commited so much, you just wonder whether it is the right thing to do. doing things in the best interest of others is more painful than undergoing surgery. and yet after i have done so, no one bother to check on me. i guess i really don't mean anything to them.
my greatest regret was to give up everything to come to MJC.
1:02 PM
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
To the people I have come to love so much.
I wish I could say this personally. But due to the circumstances, this would have to do. I hope you understand.
I have taken leave of absence from college; some of you may or may not know I was admitted back to the hospital last Friday. So it is in my best interest that I not return to school in any time soon.
After much soul searching, I realise that I’ve have been irresponsible and selfish in my actions. It is irresponsible and selfish of me to hold any position in the choir comm. in my current state. As such I have voluntarily stepped down as VP, even though it has not been asked of me to do so. I would like to apologise for running for elections last Wednesday and causing much distress and confusion. At the same time I would like to apologise for being an absent VP during my term. I feel I have let the choir down and the trust you have put in me during the previous elections.
Choir, I’m sorry I’ve failed you.
To the previous choir comm., I thank you for giving me the privilege to work with you. Thanks for making my ideas come to life, whether be it during the farewell or the choir appreciation board. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for slogging it out. It was been a rewarding experience working with you. And seeing people with such dedication for our choir is truly admirable.
During my term, I sincerely hope I managed to engage each and every one of you. Especially when I came back from my operation in July, in time for our debut- the national day performance. From the first rehearsal, when most of you were unfamiliar with me and possibly most of the choir, up to our performance itself. I hope I have helped in some way to break down barriers that we brought in together with our beautiful voices. And some more get to know each another better simultaneously in the process. Oh and I must seriously apologise for my drill sergeant behaviour and also for putting everyone through countless practises. But in the end we pulled through, and put up a good if not one of the better performances of the whole event!
My greatest take away from my short term is 34 people that I can truly called friends. I am heartened that I can genuinely greet you when I met you. Even if some of us may live up to our dao-est person or shy-est person personas, I feel heartened to see you smile and acknowledge me. Although I can’t exactly say that you’re the reason for my existence, I can safely and surely say you people are the reason for my existence in meridian. And for that I thank you!
So now as I rest to make sure I will be well enough to join the choir during the holidays, I urge you please disturb me all you can, or I will decay from boredom. And As I train myself with my limited musical abilities to sing shoga and ave maria, I will think of qwerky ideas for open house and our choir concert next year. Cause everyone can contribute to choir regardless of what ever position one may be in. I will continue to do so. Cause my heart will always be with MJchoir.
A great man once said, Without struggle there can be no progress.
So choir lets welcome our new comm., who I believe will not give up without a struggle. Together we CAN make a difference.
Cause remember,
MJchoir, we make the music!
Peace out and May the force be with us.
1:19 AM
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
2:22 AM
Saturday, August 12, 2006
somewhere only we know
Sometimes I really hate myself. I hate myself for making all the wrong decisions in upper sec, for letting myself spiral into depression, for letting myself lost control, for getting of track.
I still wish I could have made it to hc, but that is now such a different world. Or even nj or aj, where all my schoolmates are. Where starting over isn’t so hard. Where you have people who believe in you. People you have literally grew up with. Where you know whether you’ll be hit by a fast one pulled by anybody or not. Where you already know everybody and their personalities.
Now in meridian, I will never fit in. no matter how hard I try. I thought I would have a fighting chance. But I still feel like a sore thumb sticking out. Not going to let them get me. I’m gonna make sure I will be the biggest lost to them, if anything happens.
I need to find myself. And I need to find someone, to walk with me through this dreadful journey. To pull me out of the dumps.
Just someone.
Anyone.
Bring me to somewhere only we know…
8:03 PM
Sunday, August 06, 2006
eventful
i feel so drained and washed out.
i don't know how long i can sustain this. like an ongoing performance everyday. i can't do this alone and yet i can't tell anyone.
the week has been eventful.
being taken to sgh a & e in an ambulance however was not. being in the a & e can sometimes make you feel worse. at least i had a good (and not to mention good looking) doctor and a wonderful nurse. but the drip forever hates me la. always clotting, make the whole expr so painful.
choir has been exhuasting. but i love my choir. don't mind giving up the world for them.
school... if the teachers have already given up hope on me, i would rather they tell me. tell me so i don't feel vindicated in every lesson i go to. like a criminal for coming to school.
oh well...
eventful
10:44 AM
Friday, July 28, 2006
thanks Meridian.
i'm morphed into some one i don't know anymore.
thanks Meridian.
10:43 PM
Sunday, July 02, 2006
a tribute to who i was
WHO I WAS
=vj =16 =taurus =part of four5ive fire fighters! [we rawk] =part of Choir =part of ASC =can be emotional =can be a little big mama-ish ="you think you know but you have no idea..."
Likes =Coffee! i really need it. =Cleo.. hahaz.. =My 6230.. i think i would be rather lost with it.. -three5ive... they rawk my world.. =2/4'03.. they made me who i m today.. =Choir!.. those ppl make me happy at the end of the day :D.. =ASC.. a commitment i do not want to regret taking on =My work... so dun come n tell me to stop doing it... =Smallville.. i like superman.. hahaz.. =ONE TREE HILL! the people are so beautiful.. =Someone.. hahz dun tell u who..
Dislikes =Bootlickers.. can't stand them.. =Education System.. it has screwed me up =Awards being given to ppl who don't deserve it =Being left out.. i dun think i m the only one who hates that feeling.. Wants =Admission to HwaChong =Nice looking L1R5 =A life.. more like i need it =make my family proud of me =to be a teacher.. =] =real close and tight life long friends =to myself proud!
who i was is no longer what i am today...
11:46 PM
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
19th june 2006
MJ choir bbQ- those who still had an ounce of energy left to pose for one last picture before we called it a nite!
wonderful experience, er minus what some one said lo.
3:35 AM
i can't believe i m still jet lag!!!
someone please save me... my days n nights are all screwed up.
and that's why i m here.
i wanted to force myself to sleep but it was completely futile. so i decided i should at least try to study. but i was just staring at the pages. hence i decided i should do sthg more productive.
and that's why i m here.
anyway, ytd was eventful. first i had to miss consultation with mr sung so that i can go see the sinseh. when i was there, i was told i could not do tui na because the injury was too old. instead i had to do ACCUPUNTURE!
and so i laid there for forty five minutes with needles on my ankle that had to be flamed every few minutes. man it was definitely an experience.
anyway made my way to pasir ris to collect otah n satay from uncle yacob.bought ice, took cab and said :'uncle! costa sands pls!' i thought that was the easy part. unfortunately i was proven wrong.
i was given the wrong directions by a certain GUY. and they say guys are supposed to be better with directions. got scolded by irritating driver, completely spolied my day. not to mention i had so many things to carry. so i msg xx to sent a hot guy to appease me. she sent two guys, which did not fit the bill. oh well. it was actually mission impossible. hahah. i m being mean now. oops.
well anyway. started my usual BBQ rountine. i love cooking can.. and everything abt it. preparation, buying stuff, the actual cooking and of course eating la. so i naturally did what i do best. hee.
at the end of the day, i guess i was being quite an anti social huh. i didnt join in their games and stuff. well one thing is that i dun particularly like the game that was played, the other is that i didn;t like the state they were playing in. of course its legal for them to be in that state. but i don't really like being around intoxicated people when i m still considered underage. well after last year's 'anderson street mass chalet' i m turned off by underage drinking. so i appologise for not joining in. its just a personal thing.
unfortunately, when i revealed that about myself to some ppl, i guess they took it the wrong way la. maybe because they don;t know me very well. but i think the way they portray me is not very fair. when that person said about me and certain other person are completely against alcohol, in that strong tone, made me feel uncomfortable. very uncomfortable in fact. i'm not the partying kind, i completely agree. but pls dun use that tone with me. i am still, unfortunately for you, your vice chair. i give you and everyone else that condone such actions enough respect to keep my mouth shut when you all are having fun. i only express concern because some of them are underage, and we are open in a public place.
i believe in earning things. earning the right to do things as well. waiting till you're 18 to drink. well just wait then. it probably may not taste any sweeter. but at least make it an occasion for yourself. celebrate the fact under the law you are considered an adult. that's all. i m not against alcohol. my gal pals will be the first to tell you how much i anticipate my 8teen because of the drink! so please don't ever, ever, ever use such a tone with me again. or i won't be nice anymore.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
[the begining of the entry is completely not my style, so chrono. well i m like typing not coherently. i think i shall type entries in just to make myself tired. let the flood begin!]
3:03 AM
Sunday, June 18, 2006
i'm back!
from a crazy marathon of events.
preUsem(LOVE IT)+ltc(wish i could be there more)+uk fieldtrip( i cannot believe it miss the place already)
eeek... mid years are next week and i have not started revising.
i'm seriously jet lag. that why i m awake now typing this.
my maths tuition teacher has once again threathen to quit, my goodness, such a diva la. i feel like dropping H2 maths to H1 and taking H2 geog. too late to do so.
i'm gonna to die la. sprained ankle + flu that doesn't go away.
i miss my friends man. my choir mates, my SG and the english countryside too..
:(
oh well..
anyway, when i came back from the UK i was surprised to find
1) a huge flat screen tv in the living room, that's a total of 4 tv-s in the house lo! 2) both my parents have cool looking specs. eek..
i think i shall go try to make myself sleep now.
ooh by the way, i dyed my hair myself today. i made a huge mess.. hahaha.. i know you ppl might think i m crazy dying my hair during the last week of the (so called) hols. i dyed it
BLACK!
=]
4:06 AM
Sunday, May 21, 2006
i think i m feeling happier now.
or at least i know what i need to do and accomplish.
i'm 7-teen already.
got to get things moving!
finally know that he will be here at least till i finish this 2 years. comforting feeling.
8:15 PM
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
For the past 2 days I have been crying myself to sleep.
Depression is setting in again. I m slowly slipping down again. I've already hit rock bottom. Yet I still am going down. I thought I got out of it last year. Last November everything seemed better. I seemed better. I felt better. But now... I am just sliding down again.
I don’t want to go back to that phrase of life again.
I’m just too good at hiding what I feel. No one knew then, no one shall know now.
I need to be strong for myself. And find that strength from somewhere.
Searching for that inner strength to pull thru.
Keeping sane.
11:24 PM
Friday, April 07, 2006
This week sucked.
I don’t really care that gastric juices were killing me.
Cause I know the amount of school work I missed will bulldoze me once I get back.
But my heart already got rammed by my friend. Eh I don’t know whether I still need to call her that or not.
I think four years is more than enough time to remember your friend’s birthday. Ok I am actually satisfied with just birth month. But for some friends it’s just isn’t enough.
In the beginning, I thought it was just a cruel April fool’s joke. You know, mixing up dates with other very good friend’s days too. So I corrected you and candidly, but abruptly, ‘hang up’ on you.
But I guess if 5 days later, you still commit the same error, I am probably not important you at all. Let alone made an impact on you to remember for maybe at least a week.
You infected me with this ‘second choice’ disease. That leaves feeling miserable and almost worthless. I thought I would have recovered by the end of sec sch, but no, I guess it’s like HIV, INCURABLE!
Argh.
I can’t believe I m jealous about this. So stupid of me, but it really hurt me a lot.
A passage I wrote/blog a little while ago as to why I bother being friends with ppl who make me miserable.
“Ppl say dun dwell in the past because the future will never be what it was like.
But it is now the past that keeps me going.
It’s like hitting your head on the head, so that you can find a way out.
Then again there's the easy way out,
by the door of course, effortless.
Effortless.
Yet I continue to bang my head on the wall,
so that I will never walk out on you ppl.”
Will not give up on you…
11:20 PM
Sunday, April 02, 2006
So if you were here before, here is my decision.
MJ. No more poly dream.
And now because I m staying, I have to bloody hell prove my worth. I may be starting from rock bottom and with a terrible foundation. With people who may think nothing of me. But I m already on this journey and I will finish off in the lead.
I need to. I owe it to myself.
I’ve known for a long time now that I m not my friend’s first choice or in fact anyone’s first choice for anything. But even though I know, it still hurts doesn’t it?
At the end of my life I need to find someone that I can say was my everything. I need friend to keep me sane. Not just someone who happened to there at that moment, that few months or even those few years.
Unfortunately, I have not found that person yet.
Maybe because I don’t deserve such a person that’s why it hurts so much.
I find myself nowadays thinking of what I have done in these close to 17 years. What is my place on this planet? Why have I been placed here?
Meridian has not given me a sense of ease. Every day I walk through the hallways passing by people wearing the same uniform as me, the same meridian identity. But all these are strangers.
I’ve tried to assimilate into the jc life. But I just feel so obscure. Missing out on orientation doesn’t help. Neither does being sick frequently. But I have tried, tried my best in fact. I hope I won’t lose myself in the process.
I’ll try and continuing trying, until one day when I know I really failed, will I stop.
Not too long ago, I kept reminding myself that Anderson is my past, and it shall stay there. But I just still have this complying need to go back, to help out. To pray that one day I will never walk through those gates feeling like a stranger.
I walked through those gates once more on Friday. Hoping to find a sense of familiarity. But… I guess the place changed, the people changed.
I don’t care that this one million dollar structure partially raise by us that house this andersonians is so wonderful with state of the art facilities.
Cause it doesn’t house any humility anymore.
I walked passed the GO stairs and saw the plaques that used to show us our history are not there anymore. (From the bottom of my heart, I hope they were sent for repair and not any other.) Instead all around the atrium where medals, trophy, different accolades in glass cabinets. I did feel proud that we have achieved so much.
I can’t help but feel that as we are all rushing into the bigger, brighter future, we are forgetting our history. What has allowed us to come so far?
I shan’t elaborate on any further proceedings that took place. I just feel sad. Sad for everyone who helped build the school, and also the people who have to maintain this. It is just sad.
Possibly not the way I wanted to end this entry. But I guess there is only one thing that is constant in the world, and that is change.
I hope everything
Changes
For the better.
2:08 AM
So if you were here before, here is my decision.
MJ. No more poly dream.
And now because I m staying, I have to bloody hell prove my worth. I may be starting from rock bottom and with a terrible foundation. With people who may think nothing of me. But I m already on this journey and I will finish off in the lead.
I need to. I owe it to myself.
I’ve known for a long time now that I m not my friend’s first choice or in fact anyone’s first choice for anything. But even though I know, it still hurts doesn’t it?
At the end of my life I need to find someone that I can say was my everything. I need friend to keep me sane. Not just someone who happened to there at that moment, that few months or even those few years.
Unfortunately, I have not found that person yet.
Maybe because I don’t deserve such a person that’s why it hurts so much.
I find myself nowadays thinking of what I have done in these close to 17 years. What is my place on this planet? Why have I been placed here?
Meridian has not given me a sense of ease. Every day I walk through the hallways passing by people wearing the same uniform as me, the same meridian identity. But all these are strangers.
I’ve tried to assimilate into the jc life. But I just feel so obscure. Missing out on orientation doesn’t help. Neither does being sick frequently. But I have tried, tried my best in fact. I hope I won’t lose myself in the process.
I’ll try and continuing trying, until one day when I know I really failed, will I stop.
Not too long ago, I kept reminding myself that Anderson is my past, and it shall stay there. But I just still have this complying need to go back, to help out. To pray that one day I will never walk through those gates feeling like a stranger.
I walked through those gates once more on Friday. Hoping to find a sense of familiarity. But… I guess the place changed, the people changed.
I don’t care that this one million dollar structure partially raise by us that house this andersonians is so wonderful with state of the art facilities.
Cause it doesn’t house any humility anymore.
I walked passed the GO stairs and saw the plaques that used to show us our history are not there anymore. (From the bottom of my heart, I hope they were sent for repair and not any other.) Instead all around the atrium where medals, trophy, different accolades in glass cabinets. I did feel proud that we have achieved so much.
I can’t help but feel that as we are all rushing into the bigger, brighter future, we are forgetting our history. What has allowed us to come so far?
I shan’t elaborate on any further proceedings that took place. I just feel sad. Sad for everyone who helped build the school, and also the people who have to maintain this. It is just sad.
Possibly not the way I wanted to end this entry. But I guess there is only one thing that is constant in the world, and that is change.
I hope everything
Changes
For the better.
2:08 AM
Friday, March 10, 2006
i m so sad and confused that i really want to cry.....
why can't some one make the decisions for me..
mj or tp?
11:03 PM
Saturday, March 04, 2006
I m very confused as to what I am going to do next.
I didn’t do well as most of you know. I did well enough to enter a JC. But not well enough to enter a good one. When I received my results, I didn’t know what to feel. Am I supposed to be happy that I made a jump of 11 points? Or am supposed to feel sad that I possibly single handed pulled down the MSG of the school? After moments of numbness, I felt guilty.
I am guilty because I brought this upon myself. I know I am better than this. But I gave up a long time ago. I gave on myself a long time ago. But I felt worse when I realised, my results is not just about me. It concerns my family. My goal in my life was to make them proud. Hah. But what did I do instead. This will be what they will remember me for. I will be that story that they’ll tell. Don’t be like lakshmi jie jie, psle do well go good school then spend so much time in cca and waste her life away with all the MC that why o level never do well. They may not say it, but you can feel that whisper in their breath. I feel very bad. In a sense I shamed my parents. I am very sorry. I really didn’t want this. When left the school, I was behind by my friends. I don’t think they did it intentionally. But they still did it. I was left behind.
I acted as though it didn’t affect me. I still do that. But it does hurt. There is that emptiness in you that make you wonder. What have I achieved? My life was school, not studies. My life was not mine. I just blew 4 years of my life away. Some times it wasn’t even things I liked doing. And I know I will be forgotten. And so will whatever I establish. I hit ground zero. The lowest anyone can possible go.
But I feel liberated. Cause secondary school is over. This part of my life and all it’s failing and setbacks is over. I come out of secondary school with nothing. And I now I shall take steps to find myself and get back on track. I may be in a dark place now. But it’s only in the dark that you can see the stars. And the stars, they’ll lead you back. They’ll lead you back.
Now I have to decide what path am I going to take? Jc. like where MOE posted me? Appeal, to a better JC? Poly, where they selected me out of 900?
By the 6th I will decide whether to appeal, by the 27th I will decide to stay or to go…
Choices after choices, isn’t being a kid supposed to be easy?
Life
And all its choices.
11:25 PM
Thursday, February 02, 2006
One more sleepless night for me, yet again.
The truth is, I guess when I get my results, my past ends there. Everyone else would have a plan. Go to JC choose their subjects. In fact most are already settled in. And I am afraid i might not have that chance.
Yes I said I want to start a new. But last night I really got me thinking why I m really afraid of my results. No. 1 is my impending future, the other is that my familiar past will be over. After 4 years in the same place, you start to know who are your friends, who aren’t, what you’re good at what you’re not.
But the last year really muffled some lines. That I can’t really remember much. I used to have a plan. Where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do with my life. But now, I am just confused.
I don’t want to think about my future. But it seems like the results will change everything. Whatever path I take it will be related to it. And I would be taking that path alone.
Alone.
5:32 PM
Today I woke up in cold sweat. I escaped from a terrible nightmare. As corny as it may sound, I had a nightmare about the O level results. Throughout the whole day it has been haunting me.
I feel so hallow. Just like an empty shell floating aimlessly around in hopes that something will fill me up again. As much as I want to escape my past, it is still creeping up on me, reminding of all the mistakes I made and how I will always live to regret them.
I need a chance to start a new. But everything really is going to depend on the results isn’t. How I am going to precede my journey on this painful road. I need to find a new path, where each step does not feel like a bed of needles.
Some days back, I went to Anderson. I went in and went out straight. Probably only six minutes. To lessen my pain, I took a cab to and fro. Anderson is my past and I shall keep it there. The school has changed so much after all, it’s not the same. It is now just a foreign land. I shall lock up all my memories, good and bad, away.
Over the last few days, I have been asking myself what I really want to do. I really have no idea. And every day with the thought of my impending future, I feel ever more lost. I have no desire to go back to receive my results. The last few years of continuous failure have left me broken. But each time I put up a brave front. And suck it up.
I hope that this is the end of a chapter of mistakes, pain, and regret.
12:19 AM
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
this will serve as a reminder to myself.
from now till the end of PAE
i will not blog hop. i will not go back to AND also. i will not feel funny looking at ppl in uniforms. i will not meet up with any one from anywhere.
why?
so i wouldn't know what i m missing out. so i wouldn't feel as though i m still paying for my mistakes from last yr. so i can get away from my past. so i wouldn't feel sorry for myself.
i going to have a new start. new beginning.
hopefully.
11:54 PM
Monday, January 02, 2006
Goodness me. I survived 2005.
That was the year where I
Shed the most tears Felt the most heart break Had my longest hospital stay Lied to myself Got slapped for the first time Got caned the first time in sec school life Was told I was a failure by my next of kin Was told I was beyond hope by my beloved school Lost myself Lost hope Nearly lost my mind Survive humiliation on national day prize presentation Survive humiliation at speech day
at the end of four years in Anderson secondary
I realise
I loved the school The school probably hated me I leave without a best friend I am the forgotten friend Whatever I did really didn’t matter I am insignificant
But through it all
I got to thank someone
She was a sensitive friend She wasn’t judgemental like the rest She helped me up when I was down
Thanks joy! I owe you a lot!
12:56 AM
Sunday, January 01, 2006
i can officially say good bye to the worst year of my life since 1998.
goodbye 2005. i really hated you.
12:11 AM
Friday, December 02, 2005
lots ofｔｈｉｎｇｓhaveｇｏｎｅnｐａｓｓｅｄ．
ｂｕｔiｊｕｓｔwantｔｏsay
iａｍinｔａｉｗａｎnow!
andｉ'm lovingｉｔ！
8:50 PM
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
i have to get this off my mind before the results are released tml. i dun want to be there when they release the results. mr chye said that less than five in our class might not make it. i do not want to be one of them. after all i didn;t take six papers. thanks to a certain alkali cpd. i was warded in the hosp not too long ago with a recurring problem n i m not allowed to take the papers. some one who was suspected to have dengue can take? what the hell right. whatever la. i;ll make my mind tml when i wake up. hopefully i'll never wake up. n never face the truth. to the ppl who surround me who at getting top in class n subjects. good luck to you! i hope you'll still remain friends after tml. sian why i m so pessimistic.
tml tml tml
tml we shall know.
10:38 PM
Saturday, October 01, 2005
aiyah! i was so distracted that i forgotten what i wanted to type at first.
ok.. i dunno how to say this.
but i miss going to school regularly. i seriously do. more n more i feel like i m not treasuring my remaining time in anderson. just that i m on a streak of seriously bad luck. someone is cursing me or sthg lo. one thing after another. to who ever u are i hope you had you fun. argh..
i miss my friends. my juniors. my seniors. my teachers. my school. my life.
school was my life since sec1. now i feel so not alive. i miss the councillors a lot. i see them when i m , actually, in school. but its different. different from working closely together. i miss the guys n girls man!
i know its sounds like not very fair to the friends i made outside council to say this. but i dunno why. i reallly really really miss them.
the guys*: jiawei vincent zhirong cheesheng qien yb the girls*: fangyi celine jiaying
*i just need to mention them esp.
sian.. why m i feeling like this?
hurm.... need to study.. i want to be one of the 300 in hc and show those ppl who don't believe in me.
like mrs koh
and
my father.
12:33 AM
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
fever.
dengue? i hope not.
:'(
10:33 PM
Sunday, September 18, 2005
for some reason, even though its the prelims, i gotta urge to say the following:
I MISS MY JUNIORS! puqin, apple, weilun, qijia, noami!!! or ya not forgetting the irritating hao-didi.. haha and the sec2 cuties subeer, huda, pete, yihan!!
dunno why la..
sthg wrong with me.. spent too much time with them last yr le.. still having withdrawal symdrone..
ha ha ha
not funny.
9:03 PM
Saturday, September 17, 2005
"That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me Please say honestly you won't give up on me And I shall believe"-I shall believe,Sheryl Crow
believe.
and i shall believe.
jiayou sec fours!
9:52 PM
Monday, August 22, 2005
term 3.
in and out of TTSH. haiz. sian man. most important term of sec 4 and yet i literally didn't turn up for the whole term.
thanks to those who came to visit me.
hopefully i managed to make see a 'okay-ed' me.
hmmm..
10:28 PM
Saturday, August 13, 2005
I'm a horrible person wallowing in self pity.
i'm not deserving of the care or concern of the people around me.
that is what i would like to say.
i'm trying my best not to act anymore, and just tell u all how i really feel.
Thanks for making the tears go away when It seem like it would never stop flowing. Thank you for being there to hear me out instead of judging me right away. Thanks for telling me not to be a coward. Thanks for giving me a reality check. To remind me of whom I used to be and who I still can be. And for letting me take off my mask for the first time in months. Thanks for being my friend.
I would not say anything about Monday. All I want to say is it has nothing to do with getting the COAs. It was who I was getting it with, how we were treated and worst of all, the real people who hurt me.
Nineteen of them who hurt me, so deeply. Even after what we have been through its still you all who hurt me, over and over again. And yet time even after so long, I just take it in my stride. But now if you bother to know or care, I am broken.
Broken.
Too many heart breaks in one life time ain’t good for me. My heart broke. It shattered into many pieces. I cried because I felt pain. Genuine pain. I do not know anything anymore. Especially about you people who I call my co workers, my friends. Pain erased my memory. And from now on, just let me rest in peace.
Or should I say
Rest in pieces.
10:54 PM
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Re: the day after
So if you are wondering whether I made it through Monday, the answer is yes. But how I did it is a total different matter.
I’m blessed to have a friend like SH. Over the last years, you ppl may never think we are good friends. On the outside, you ppl think I m with a certain group of ppl. But on an emotional level, there are few friends whom I tell anything to. Few that I trust. And few that will not judge me. And she is one of them. She;s one of my first few real friends in Anderson. In Anderson, a lot of ppl know me. Cause they think since they know my name, they know me. Oh whatever. That was the past. The present however is not much different.
We may not agree on many things sometimes. But one thing about our friendship is we have other friends. And we never make comments on them. I just hate it when some ppl who are also my friends call my other friends weird or say something about them. It is just impolite. Very in fact.
For the past four years, when we are at the bleakest, we turn to each other for support. Sometimes words are not exchange, but we know how the other is feeling. And we can also comfort each other with nothing at all. The other thing is that we make sure that we make it a point that its my business that the other is down.
Why? The people who I am always around with can never master that. They act as though they can and I in turn finish the scene by acting as though nothing is wrong at all. i don’t to impose them. Cause they don’t understand. And they will never. Cause they never bother seeing instead of just plain looking.
The thing is that whatever is between stays there, she never discuss with other people even if the other person is also a friend of mine. That is trust.
I really treasure my friendship with SH. now especially after the whole national day saga. Because only on that day, did I open my eyes I see who are my true friends.
3:52 AM
Monday, August 08, 2005
today's the day.
if i can get thru today.
i can get thru anything.
1:11 AM
Sunday, August 07, 2005
ytd we went out shopping. erm make tt i accompanied my friends shopping.
well. i dunno what to say. but ytd made me realise sthg.
we are good friends. but we have other friends outside the four of us. behavourial wise, sometimes we behave very exclusively. but the thing is we are not. we have such a network among the four of us. completely different sets of friends.
we are so much at peace with our selves when we are with each other. very no holds bar. when we are with our other friends its very much different. we change to a different alter ego. so wierd.
its like we even dress differently when we meet up with our friends.
it just makes we wonder.
friend: a person who knows what u're feeling without being told, a person who can see thru your mask, a person who without any big gestures can make all the pain go away.
i guess thats too much to ask.
10:57 PM
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Re: i miss talking!
haha.. you ppl who know me must really be thinking that the title is a joke. well it isn't. i really miss doing that (currently) one thing that i do best. talk. most would just think they know me. ya ya that big size girl who talks a lot. but those who really know me, would know that i have not been really talking. that i'm keeping everything in side or venting in on my foolscap pad. haiz. don't really voice out much anymore. its the very thing that made me who i m and the exact one which made me step on some people's precious toes.
haiyah. what i mean is that i haven been talking much.
but well.. i did it! had an almost hour long conv which celine!!! miss all those times when i did such things. hmm let me try to recall who i used to do this with.
celine- duh of course! (we discussed plans of 'world domination' (right....)) she's now too busy mugging nowadays.. oops.. peifen- those times were really very fun. really really fun. her mum would some times talk to me too. hee :) fangyi- conv were very deep. haha. vincent, jiawei,zhirong--- do not, i repeat, do not have conference call with them! they are usually non existent! unless they were joking about each other. damn funny! hahaha cheesheng!- don't know whether he remembers or not. but this is the guy whom i had the longest and most conv with. jiaying- always talking about work n things that relate back to that.. esp our colleuges and our families.. miss the trust we had..
yeah i think these are the ppl that i have really missed talking to. WAIT! how can i forget this important person..
TONG TONG!!!!! she can continue forever. hahah. like a big sis i nvr had. really miss her loads..
hmm.. i guess gone are the days where i used to able to talk about anything under the sun with these ppl.. too much has happened. to everyone i guess. ppl change. and that is something tt i had to live with.
well today when i was talking to celine, i finally found something i could connect back with school life. well for these past almost 10 wks. i haven;t been going to school regularly. most know the reason. so ya wun say anymore abt it. but its only now that i realise how significant or insignificant these 4 yrs have been.
so many ppl changed. really. some ppl i listed above have become strangers to me. this is just 10 wks. i wonder about mths n yrs after today. would everything just become nothing. just the past?
well, while i m trying to make sense of my life, i believe so are the many of my fellow school mates are doing the same. i think the real shocker is the fact tt so many ppl are getting attached, reattached, detached, or what ever la. but ppl i thought i knew. tts different. haiz. i would say anything. will even act as though i don 't know anything.
i don;t know about them. but i think, i just want to talk to my friends again. catch up about everything. yea. that's what i want to do. i want to talk to my juniors and seniors too. haiz. i just want to let alot of things out!
talk talk talk
all i want to do is talk!
1:36 AM
Friday, August 05, 2005
Re: the odd one out
I feel like crap now. I seriously do not know how to face myself and the people around me. I am very messed up now. Feel like I have lost a big part of myself.
yesterday I lashed out at a good guy pal. Seriously one of my closest friends. hah. A guy ya. Anyway. I feel extremely bad for what I did. A mixed of emotions that was just expressed in the wrong way. Really feel real bad.
for some reason, some times I tell things to guy pals more than my gal pals. Why? I just feel that they are much less judgmental and more sensitive to your feelings. They don;t blow up in your face because most of the guy pals I have are gentlemen. Maybe its this reason that they don;t blow up. But I think I m misusing this fact bah. I think I lash out too much le. haiz. Feel very bad.
I think I have been purposefully building a wall around me. Guess I've been through too much rejection and setbacks in the past few months. Nothing has been going smoothly. And I just too reminded of the past, the good times.
Wednesday was my grandfather's 10th death annivessary. I was feeling miserable that day. Really miserable. My grandfather was one of the two people who really LOVED me a lot. I was the apple of his eye. But he left. My dad ask me what I wanted to do. I said: I want to join him. hur.. Some times I really feel like that. The other person who I really meant something too also left me. They are both in a better place I suppose. But they left me here. And I feel so alone.
Wednesday I received the results of my preps tt I took. I felt as though a dagger just went through my heart. I'm the odd one out. All my girl friends all did well I must say. I felt really happy for them, moving closer to their dream. But for me, now more than ever, graduating from sec school and going to HC is more like a dream slipping away. Now, I m trying desperately to hold on to something. But then I remember, I have nothing. nothing to my name. At least they have their awards. I wonder whether its really true that I didn't work harder than them. Then I stop to think. I was better than them. Once upon atime. When we entered this school. I have the best results of the four of us. Yet now. haiz. Forget it. That was the past. Now is the present.
Wednesday, I felt invisible. We happen to sit in such close proximity yet we never know what is happening to the other. There I sat, sensing the things happening around me. I felt so detached from my surrounding. Maybe because I haven been there so much that they have gotten used to it. I guess it doesn;t matter whether I m there or not. I was just part of their past.
Wednesday, I walked around alone. Looking at all the groups around me. Feeling so insignificant. The only thing I had was my shadow to accompany me. I have to act as though I m a strong lone ranger. But. I m not. I m just a broken soul. Drifting around aimlessly.
Wednesday, I put on a play. Acting out what everyone wants to see. I have forgotten what I used to be. How it was to be me. It pains me that no one really realizes it.
my dear friend told me something I told him. He told me to just be myself and go pursue the things I desire. But I instead of thanking him went to say that his concern was only echoed because I brushed his girlfriend off. argh.. Why do I have to be such a jerk. tts a good word to use on my actions. Thank goodness he still remembers who I really m and not this souless being that has encapsulated me.
today, I reflected on what I really want to do. Yet. All I can think of are extreme thoughts. I think I need a break and fly away and leave all these worries here.
next Monday, I don't know whether I want to appear in school. I m such a battered soul. Don't know whether I can take one more blow. Monday will be a conscious choice.
Monday we'll see.
the odd one out.
5:14 PM
Saturday, July 23, 2005
the story behind the story
Re: top eight guys under 25...
Ok I think you people reading this might be thinking I am one hell of a despo! I wouldn’t blame if I were you. Hahaha… but the fact is I am really not.
So why the hell did you write this entry?
Well.. basically, if you go to www.freewebs.com/mulif which by the way is pei fen’s blog, you will notice there is a similar post there. but, she doesn’t really know half the guys on the list. Therefore, to me, it sounded as though I was making up names for the sake of names. So to prove that they exist, there they are! Hahaha…
So that is the story… but what is the story behind the story?
Ok… you see… my dear friend listed her top ten guys. And I made a joke saying that by the time we actually become their age, they will not really be that alive. Hahahaha… therefore I gave her a challenge to find her top 10 guys under 25... and at the same time I listed mine lor… hahaha…
But there are only eight?
Ya ya.. I know.. it’s hard to think of names lor! Ok basically I limited to the shows that I watch or mag that I read to really make any selection. By the way if you didn’t know… most of the male celebrities look way younger than what they really are! Utt is 31, tom welling-superman is 28 etc… so yar.. it was really hard…
So I guess you watch very much only one series now?
Yup. I am totally addicted to one tree hill! Dumb mediacorp doesn’t appreciate the show.. first they used to put season one on Saturday afternoons late last year. I remember catching a few episodes. But I mean like if you don’t follow up, half the time you don’t know what you are watching. So ya I gave up, besides, I had Chinese tuition. Now they put season at 12 midnight on Thursday nights. Right… so ya.. I have been taping it…haha… bo pian.. I like the story line and not forgetting the guys! Hahahahahaha… *now you have reason to believe I am despo*
What is Vincent and Zhirong doing in your list?
Hahahahahah! They got into my good books lor… so this is the best way to thank them, I feel… hope its not embarrassing to them though.. oops… =X
There were 9 on the other list, wasn’t it?
Yar… I know…. The person is real but I don’t want to show the picture. Cause I think its really quite dumb. Hahaha.. furthermore, it’s a little boy... so ya..
Thank you for this interview. Now readers vj will be making more list when she has the time.. for now… enjoy! ********************************************************************
N.B: this is purely a work of fiction, it is not a real interview. I interviewed myself for the purpose of ,well, fun. =]
This is for me to entertain myself lar… as most of you know, I am at home yang shang… I have only move from my house to northpoint the furthest.. further than that, I also cannot take it. Erm, anyway, I have been broody broody this few days. So I guess this entry will probably give more life to me and the blog bah.
to the guys that didn't make the list, sorry lar... its just a list don't take it to heart, ok?
Anyway…
Who’s your top ten under 25?
Hahaha
=]
1:38 AM
RE: top 8 under 25 ------they really do exist!
1:00 AM
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Re: how do you nurse a broken heart?
I think the people in my block think that I have dropped out of school or something. Truthfully I don’t blame them. My own mother said that to me in a fit of anger that day. I got very angry, really very furious. As in I literally felt my blood boil. I couldn’t control my emotions. Then I did the stupidest thing. I lashed out at her.
I screamed out. I said I hope she is very happy seeing the state that I am in now. That I have just wasted my last 3 years. And what ever she and my father said came true. And I hope they are happy that they are correct.
Then I shut my mouth. It was as though my brain send me a signal. That as much as I m hurting they most probably are too. I said nothing for the rest of that day.
My grandmother called me on the phone and said she wanted to me to do well and see me go to university. You know when you heard such a thing you should feel touched. But do you what I did. I was indifferent. I hate myself at that point. What have I become? Once upon a time I would have never been like that. I was the over achiever. Yet now I am completely different.
To make things worst I feel a lot of pressure. I a m the eldest grand child on both sides of the family. Once upon a time I wanted to be the best out of all of them. I wanted to set the bar so high that they will never be able to touch it. So far I have been able to do that. But some thing really switched off this year. After CA1, I felt as though something was taken away from me. No more drive, no more passion for anything.
When that went away, that was really when I lost myself. As each coming test came, more of me left. Now i am just a zombie. There really no one in this empty shell.
Now with the medicine, my internal clock is also quite upside down… my nights and days are screwed… anyway, that day on discovery channel, they mention something about sleeping too much and not being able to wake up or feel energise. I was wow~ that is exactly me! Now I can find out what is wrong with me… but guess what.. it was really a disease… an illness called depression.
I was shocked. I always said I feel so depressed. But you know it is just kou tou hua… now its like to me no joke… I have got to get of this mental state. It’s the only way the rest of my body really can keep up. I need to get out of depression. I wouldn’t let it cripple my life.
Right now I really also don’t know where to start. When everybody else’s prep are almost over, mine is about to start… I am stressed by the fact that everyone is so hardworking yet i haven’t caught the mugging bug. I feel so guilty. I really want to do well. But for some reason my system is not working together with me.
Maybe it needs a break. It suffered too much rejections these few days. Time can heal wounds. I know it. It just depends how long. One thing for sure, the wound on my back is gonna take another 2 weeks according to the nurse. But these wounds for all the other things I have been through, I don’;t know how long it would take to heal. But I hope its soon.
Cause I know that some where deep down, there is the me that i once upon a time used to be.
Right now, all I need is the old me back
Come back VJ,
Come back….
10:29 AM
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Re: how could this happen to me
i thought i was really over all the award crap.. i really thought i was over it.. just founf out i am really not.. really really really not.. and it hurts so much.. can you imagine loving something as much as you hate it? that is what i feel for the school.. in a few months everything will be over.. yet at this point of time i can't pick myself up.. why is there such a long hiatus? why?
why did i have to come online? why did i have to log on to the portal? why did i have to read the broadcast? why did i have to click the attachment when i obviously knew my name was not going to appear on it?
no.. my name did appear on the list.. on the damn KIV list.. why the hell didn;t anyone tell us about the list? what';s the point of showing it now? why not after term 1? why not before the CA2? why only now? when it doesn't matter what you do..
a week ago i recieved many sms from well wishers telling me: CONGRATS! you're out of the diamonds!...
f*ck.. its a cruel joke, isn't it? its like a sick form of consolation prize is it? on one hand they said you made some sort of improvement then they said you didn't.. i agree on the latter.. its that they want to 'peng ni dao tian kong' so that they can' ba ni shuai dao di xia'.. for the blow to be bigger is it? is that what it is? i hope they had fun..
life is one cruel joke..
mine especially.
happy laughing
************************************************************************************** this is how i've been feeling..
I open my eyes I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light I can’t remember how I can’t remember why I’m lying here tonight And I can’t stand the pain And I can’t make it go away No I can’t stand the pain How could this happen to me I made my mistakes I’ve got no where to run The night goes on As I’m fading away I’m sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me Everybody’s screaming I try to make a sound but no one hears me I’m slipping off the edge I’m hanging by a thread I wanna start this over again So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered And I can’t explain what happened And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done No I can’t How could this happen to me I made my mistakes I’ve got no where to run The night goes on As I’m fading away I’m sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me I made my mistakes I’ve got no where to run The night goes on As I’m fading away I’m sick of this life I just wanna scream How could this happen to me
currently: recovering soon to be: honour student! how to do that: FOCUS when will i do that: start with packing my files @ 3 then NO MORE PROCASTINATING
end.
2:13 PM
Monday, May 02, 2005
To the MP of Anderson Street
RE: Annoying Neighbours
It has come to my attention that a certain neighbour of ours is trying to rack havoc in our peaceful little village- ANDERSON STREET.
Our village is peaceful suburban town. Hmmm… I should have started that sentence with ‘once upon a time’. I must say that our town has been trying to keep up with other precincts such as Raffles Ville and Hwa Chong Gardens. Each and every family in our constituency has been trying hard to give our 100% best, working together towards a common goal. Our ancestors have left behind a legacy for our town, and as a cheerful resident, I am more than happy to advocate it.
However, recently a rather ugly neighbour has surfaced amongst us. I personally don’t understand why and when this exactly started to happen. They were really nice people in the beginning. God knows what got into them. It is like suddenly they are all mean and everything.
Their household is headed by a bunch of male chauvinists (pigs). They act gentlemanly to the RC, especially on our last moving day. Why I say act is because during one of our heart to heart chats with the women of the family, they always tell us stories of how separatist they are, Always pushing them to one side. Thank goodness for our housewives support group. If not I don’t understand how they can ever stand their household.
But I’m not saying that the women are all prefect. They have their alter egos too. You can see it in their competitiveness. Even if it was just a cookie, they wanted theirs to be the best. Goodness. It is just a cookie. They have also had an ulterior motive for all their work baking those cookies. They are just doing it for the RC’s GOLDen housewife award. While the rest of the women town are busy turning their homes into SOHOs and running business from home, these woman have spent their lives only for that award. How sly. Is that the measure of a successful woman? Hmmm, that’s up to you to decide.
Secretly, everybody in our town would like to upgrade to upper class residence such as those I’ve mentioned before (as our competitor precincts). We still have to pledge allegiance to our town. We have to make a name for our town, we can’t just turn on each and other. It is ridiculous what one of our own is doing now!
We at #01-4505 and our neighbours at #01-4705 have all seen the ugly side of the neighbour that is stuck right between us. Firstly they are competing with them to see who has lesser MSG levels in their cooking. Goodness, it’s just a number. The women there are seriously pissed. There they are happily minding their own business and look that they get. Yes, they do admit that within the household competition is big but they would never allow that to leave the front door. We would all love to be like them, almost prefect. But there obviously no need to compete because of our cooking. That certain neighbour in fact has really MSG levels, I see no reason why they need to make things so unpleasant with their neighbours.
Then there is that matter of trying to keep only the best for themselves. How selfish. We share the same GEOmancer. Both our households are trying to improve our fengshui. It’s that our geomancer has recently needed more time so that she can make the whole of Anderson Street’s fengshui better, hence she has no drop one of her clients. I wouldn’t disagree if anyone says that our neighbour has better rapport with our beloved geomancer. But they fengshui and MSG levels are definitely better than ours. Our fengshui fluctuates throughout the whole house and our MSG levels are definitely high. Some of ours so high that they have hardened to form substances that look like unpolished DIAMONDS. We are trying hard to get our MSG levels down too. It is definitely not that we are a bunch of lazy bums who do nothing. We have people in our household that really give back a lot to our village. People who lead the rest to make Anderson Street are better place to live in. but that doesn’t really better it seems. We really need help with our fengshui. And yet instead of sharing, it seems that our neighbour is having an all out war so that they can have her all for herself. Signing odd contracts, petitions and they even turned on their own, calling each other black sheep.
Instead of encouragement, they use that? That’s how a happy household works? Have they spared a thought for their own family member? These questions keep circling in my head.
I ,for one, really don’t like to see this happening in my own town. It is such an annoyance and disturbance to everyone. Dear Sir/Mdm, I hope you would look into this matter.
Yours faithfully,
A really concerned Andersonian
P.s: I wrote this for some comic relief, nothing more. I’m not out here to hurt anybody’s feelings, Even though this war has hurt mine gravely. To those who do not understand what I’m writing, take it as I’m practicing for my English paper. To those who understand, I plead with you to make this war end. Let us just work to together instead of engaging in stupid battles that go nowhere.
I agree that competition never ends, but we need not allow this to escalate to animosity and hatred. Friendly competition, we don’t mind. Ugly hostilities, is what we wish to avoid.
Let’s work towards the o levels together.
5:15 PM
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Well it has been a long time since I updated this place. Really long time. Lots of events have passed. SYF, forum, investiture, etc… all passed, just like that. No need to update you on those events I guessed.
One point to note:
I’m proud to be from Anderson Choir, I’m proud to be in Anderson Student Council and I’m proud to be the head of the Student’s Consultative Committee.
I’m proud to be a Voice of Anderson Secondary School.
I guess that’s how sec4 life is bah. Everything just passes by so quickly. Sounds so cliché but it is true. It really just feels as though yesterday I stepped in Anderson. Everything started simple. But now everything is so different.
I guess in sec4‘s true colours do shine bah. COLOURS. Well as most of you might know I’m a colourless diamond. Whatever I’ve done for the past 3 ¼ years has not accounted for anything. But what the hell. I didn’t do them for the sake of anything. I did them for …
Damn, I don’t know why I did them for now.
I guess I felt good doing things for the school, giving back something. I guess I was too naïve. Only until recently did I know that the people around actually do things for awards. To me, my heart really broke when I read those words come out from a good friend’s mouth. My world shattered. Cause for the longest of times, I thought that they did the same time as me unconditionally. I felt rather cheated. I still do feel so. F to the people who give awards based on ‘god knows what they based on’. Then there are the other kind whom just damn straight don’t deserve it all. Cause behind them they have always been people covering their ass. People who work double so that their organization will not fall because of an incompetent leader. Up till I still feel that he is incompetent. I guess it’s probably just a personal opinion, since he is getting 2 awards. Right? I guess that’s the good thing in having teachers whom you know in the judging panel and not forgetting having a rank that is higher than others. This world is unfair and I have been trying to live with it. But hey, maybe it is just punishment for us diamonds. I guess it’s the school’s way to telling us we screwed up.
Then again, I don’t regret sacrificing my time, my effort, my life, because my only reward is self satisfaction. As I said before, I don’t do things for recognition or appreciation. I do it for self satisfaction.
Well 4 teachers have already spoken to me. I’m trying damn hard to make people rethink me. Rethink me as a competitor. I will be. You just watch. One day they’ll regret the fact that I did better without them. Yup, it was their loss.
Mr. K msged me on Wednesday. I was very touched. He boosted my confidence and self belief. I’m going to work hard. So going to work hard. Miss Yeo re boost me straight away. I’m touched to have teachers who care so much about me. Just at the time when I really wanted to give up on myself they gave me the confidence to make me stand on my feet again.
I’m gonna finish my work. And with pride I will hand it up. It may be late. But better than never.
I guess that how I gonna start off. It may be a little late. But it’s still worth a shot. It’s now my life I working hard for. Not for anyone else other than me. It may sound very selfish, but hey I spent the last 3 ¼ years for others. Now its time for me to have some time for myself.
I guess this is how it’s gonna be.
I guess
11:44 PM
Thursday, March 03, 2005
i can't believe the best i least expected to make me cry made me cry.
thanks alot s**h**
10:19 PM
Thursday, February 17, 2005
re:
from now till to the o's,
i will be in love.
in love
with
the o's.
;] -madly in love
10:43 PM
re:
i do not like him.
i only said he was adorable. that's all lor.
one thing leads to another, and now i getting teased like no body's business.
no mood to fall in love lar. use your bloody brain lor.
tsk tsk tsk.
10:12 PM
Thursday, February 10, 2005
its the second day of chinese new year.
i had fun on the first day! really, not had that feeling for a long time. well family does mean alot to me definitely. chinese new year always make me rmb that. took family pic on reunion dinner too. so happy! the 1st n 2nd generation listened to my request! yay!.. haha.. of course lar.. i'm the 'zhang nu' of the family leh..
anyway, the feeling was lost quite soon.
today made me realise completely the lyrics of the song 'ta yi ding hen ai ni'.. or rather ni yi ding hen ai ta bah.. yup, thats it.. you make me realise that i would be spending vday alone.. i do hope i do see how sweet u'll be on tt day..
on vday, i would have drowned in my work. by then, i would have forgotten abt you.. i wouln't have the time to think of you and her.. i'll be scarficing for the greater good of andersonians.. hahaz.. hopefully they will have a vday.. and hopefully i get to see more hearts getting connected!
yup... hopefully, my hardwork wouldn't go down the drain..
haiz..
[ wo yao de ai ]
7:07 PM
Monday, January 31, 2005
I’m depressed.
What has happened to me in the last month has left me thinking a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot, a lot.
Thanks to the workshop, I received an eyeopener. A big one.
It also opened a heart closed for so long, making it once again vulnerable.
Now it’s again
By someone so alien.
Alien.
Or am I the one that is alienated?
Compared someone you barely know and one whom you have a sisterly bond with.
I think I would choose the latter too.
Haiz.
I hate myself for letting myself get hurt again.
7:04 PM
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Re: a sense of closure
good bye 2004
1st and foremost i would like to thank those who spent the last day of 04 with me.
thanks ya!
ok...
2004
a year i wouldn't forget, a year i would like to forget. it doesn;t make sense. the whole yr didn't. i got hurt many times, i hurted others many times. they changed, we changed, i changed. all the events keep pouring in now. i rather not mention. haiz.
guess what, its time to look ahead.
hopefully 05 will be better.
hello 2005!
10:01 PM
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Re: My dance partner
I got the most understanding guy as dance partner! and he rox... [jytoo]
=]
10:20 PM
sorry...
Re: sorry...
sorry.. i'm very sorry.. i didn't mean it.. sorry..
forgive me..
7:18 PM
Friday, November 26, 2004
f
i'm back and i want to go back to china i hate this place.. i want to escape it all...hhate u all.. this last year will be the worst year of all..
11:29 PM
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
F-L-I-R-T!
go figure...
hee
1:03 AM
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Re: Finally this works...
Yay!~
after like 4 days of trying to wait for blogger.com to work.. it FINALLY works.. however, i still m unable to access my blog. sianz.. which also means those who have 'stumbled' upon this blog and tagged... sorry cannot see what u tag or reply.. my comp, like me, is sick and needs medicine.
right.. okay.. microsoft word is definitely no substitute for blogger though..
allow me to cut and paste the past few days of musing
Friday, 5th November:
This will definitely teach me a lesson.
Never walk in the rain. You will definitely fall sick de...
Sianz.. Fancy having 2 days MC during the holidays.
I have completely lost my voice. My temperature is reaching 38 degrees. I’m like so drowsy, walking around is a complete blur. I can’t even drink water, even that hurts. My nose is like a leaking pipe, it doesn’t stop dripping.
Die man… tml still got to dance. Really hope I will recover before I go to china.
Saturday, 6th November:
typing this on word on my uncle's laptop.. what a DAY~
morning.. woke up early and ate up those may not cause drowsiness medicine and made my way to AMK station to meet up with the rest of the China trip ppl..
god.. so paiseh.. nearly made them go up the wrong bus.. =X
anyway.. we danced.. and danced.. and danced.. and danced.. and danced.. till i actually felt like puking.. too giddy already..then again really happy that everyone is putting in so much effort! =)
well after dance pract, rush home to go to chalet...
CHALET IS SO DAMN CHIO~
i did not even know the place existed.. anyways still went to the reception to ask if they were any more vacancies for council cohension day.. haiz.. too late liao le lar.. that place is like so chio.. taken up by ppl already.. it faces the sea, its open concept, everyone is in close proximity, oh yar.. its FULLY airconditioned.. hahaz.. yup..
wanted badly to go swim.. but.. unfortunately didn't bring along swimming stuff.. stayed in the chalet reading newspaper cover to cover.. top 50 ppl under 40 was a damn good read anyway.. watch the best bet... cool show.. erm.. what happen after that is not so nice already..
my irritating cousin broke my clip in front of me.. argh.. and he dared to lie to me in my face.. apparently it was becoz my face was too scary already.. like really too scary that he wanted to save himself so he lied.. aiyah.. not my fault mah.. but i know that kids will be kids de lar.. haiz..
decided to escape the noise by going bowling.. but.. the secret plan was uncovered by the kids liao.. bo pian.. became baby sitter.. yet again.. but it was fun.. officially crown my family the royale gutters.. hahahz.. we really cannot play to save ourselves.. anyway.. it was also then that i noticed how different it is to play with family and with friends.. haiz.. started to think abt the times that i went bowling with my friends.. haiz.. oh yar... it was also then that i found out that celine changed her phone to a 7610.. wah... she better let me play.. hahahz.. one more ptn to add.. bowling alleys are usually accompanied by pool tables.. nxt to pool tables are relatively good looking ppl.. but.. skill is a total different issue.. there was this guy.. not bad looking 1 i must say who had no skill at all.. he fling the ball off the second storey and the ball landed in front of me on the 1st storey.. i got a shock man.. i looked up and stared.. stared hard.. thank god he appologised.. or else...
or here's the fun part.. i played tong siao mahjong.. all the winds leh.. but only win a few only.. haiyah.. play with the pros what.. hahahz..
so now here i m typing this. yup. guess what its sunday..
MJ choir bbQ- those who still had an ounce of energy left to pose for one last picture before we called it a nite!
