Friday, September 08, 2006
Shattered
28th august 2006
the day my life as i knew was shattered by an institution and its management.
1:54 AM
a simple dream
For the longest of times, I wanted to be a teacher.
A simple dream to teach in Anderson a normal academic class from sec 1 till sec 5 and nurture them and build a good foundation for them to break the stereotype. To know whether I would make a difference to their lives and how they turn out to be.
Why you may ask?
During my days as a peer leader, I’ve always been given a normal academic class. I never complained but I took it as a personal pride to make sure they prove themselves. Every year my class will do so. And every year, I fall in love with their determination. And every year, they make me want to fulfil my dream even more.
You see the little buddies I made in those 3 years are really special people to me. They help me grow and help me see things differently. These kids score 200 and would rather be in na than in express just to be in Anderson. They don’t mind being labelled in hopes of a better education environment. So every year, I made it a point to make sure I don’t feel short changed. And every year I made sure people know that they not just normal. They are extraordinary. Every year, I get a sense of satisfaction. Because every year I know that I have made people believe in themselves and believe that they are beholders of their own fates.
I wanted to do this year after year after year until I become I whinny old hag who can no longer keep with young energetic kids.
But… The last two years I have lost faith in the education system, its education officers and myself.
I lost faith in the teaching profession. To me, some of these people who call themselves teachers seem to just want to pay off their scholarship bonds and no genuine interest in nurturing their students. Fake concern, stupid awards. Some of them fake it till they make it. Others destroy dreams and snatch away hopes.
I don’t want to be part of that.
I’ve always respected teachers.
To teach is to touch a soul.
But slowly and ever so slowly, I have to convince myself that I m not lying.
1:50 AM
what are friends for?
On teachers’ day, I wanted so badly to go back to Anderson. But I couldn’t bring myself to. I guess it’s the shame I felt and have been feeling. The feeling of what I used to be and what I could have been.
I have always wanted to do Anderson proud. Anderson is where my heart is. I take back whatever I said in the past. Anderson let me grow up, respected me as a person, as someone growing up. Anderson gave me the best time of my short life. Anderson I LOVE YOU! Anderson gave me the friends that have been helping me pull through this period. Anderson gave me people I care about. Anderson nurtured me. Anderson gave me hope.
I really miss my teachers in Anderson. I missed them so much I felt so depressed the whole day.
But true friends check on you, cause they know that you feel pain.
Jiaying Rachel Celine came to visit me after they went to Anderson to check on me. To make sure I was alright. To make sure I didn’t do anything stupid. For them, I pulled myself together and try and to enjoy myself with their company. They gave me reassurance that I wasn’t alone in this meaningless world after everything I worked was taken away from me. They stood up for me.
What are friends for?
They make you remember what warm and cuddly feels like when all your hopes are gone.
1:22 AM
congratulations
I’ve realised something, whatever I have done for the past year doesn’t account for anything.
I’ve also realised that I m so insignificant that my absence means nothing to the people I considered friends.
Then again who expects to make friends with someone who when they were with seemed to be only screaming and shouting at them right? I guess I made surface friends. I didn’t make an impact on them enough for them to care about my existence. Can I say that I’m hurt? I guess I can’t reserve that right.
After all, I can blatantly put it as I’m nobody to them.
I put in the same amount of time and a lot of effort and emotion. Maybe I just can’t compare. why tell me why?
Is it because i was too strict?
Is it because I always seem to appear sickly?
Is it because I overfed you too many sweets that came from my own meaningless pocket money?
Is it because I rushed from SGH A&E with a swollen hand a little too late to start practice?
Is it because I didn’t think of my feelings and only thought of yours?
Is it because I didn’t try to boost the morale and tried to integrate you without the help of people whom I was supposed to get help from?
Is it because I ran a one woman show?
Is it because I let management scold me alone and take the blame?
Is it because I beg the principal to let me stay with you and got scolded and insulted for it?
Is it all of these?
Are these the reasons why you want to make me feel insignificant and unappreciated?
Well you have successfully done so.
Congratulations.
I’m using a band aid to cover a bullet hole through the heart.
1:19 AM
